Brain Damage
by DewdropLotus
Summary: A run-in with a hoard of Akuma ends in an unfortunate meeting with a familiar purple butterfly; leaving Kanda with severe brain damage. Allen now has to figure out how to bring Kanda back into his mind, while trying not to fall himself. AllenKanda
1. Blood

_A/N: I thought this would be a different change of pace from my last story._

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><p><strong>Brain Damage<br>**_Part one_

There was never an acceptable amount of bloodshed in battle. There was never an acceptable reason for such a gruesome thing to even exist. War, destruction, chaos…madness and all of it for something that seemed so…primitive. It was like the age old fairy tales of good verses evil and the "take over the world" theme that seemed to leak out of those dusted books your grandmother read to you dozens of times.

Monsters do exist; ugly, horrid creatures born of human sins, sometimes, not even horrid creatures. Just, humans.

How could people be willing to do such things to each other? Thoughts of wonder drifted through, as a young man—adorned in black—took down one of those wretched sins, dispelling the trapped and innocent soul attached.

"Allen! There's more!" A woman's voice echoed over the abandoned town. Hours before, that town had been no different than any other town and it scared him to think of that the fatality rate had been since the arrival of the Akuma.

Allen tore through the creature before him. Level one Akuma weren't much of a challenge, even in flocks. Level twos weren't much of a struggle anymore, actually. Once upon a time, this may have intimidated him. They'd all been wrung through until they were forced to be stronger. They had gotten to the point where this started as just another typical clean up job.

He wasn't a fool to think this mission would somehow be simple because he didn't see anything like a level four. He knew there was a Noah lurking somewhere. He could feel it. He wondered why it wasn't showing itself, but he didn't have the fear of them he had before. They didn't seem to want him dead…but then again, that said nothing about the safety of the people he cared about.

They'd been given the mission once they had received reports of Akuma activity slowly picking the town apart. He, Lenalee, Lavi, Kanda and Krory had been sent to the main battle front, while there had been others scattered around to rescue any survivors. They'd cleared so many, yet they seemed to just be pouring in just as fast as they destroyed them.

"Lenalee, where is Lavi?"

"He's closer to the town square with Kanda!" She called back to him, her voice wavering with the effort she forced into her powerful kicks. Her boots glistened as she danced like a destructive tornado. "We have to catch up, there are stronger ones there."

"I'm sure they could use a helping hand," he grunted, tearing through the mechanical flesh of an otherworldly creature, progressing forward with long strides. His thoughts immediately shifted to the probable expression Kanda would make if he'd heard that. It wasn't exactly a pleasant one either. Then again, there wasn't a face Kanda ever made that was what anyone could describe as pleasant. He was, to put it lightly, the biggest buzz-kill to ever grace Allen Walker's presence.

Despite all of that, his need to move forward was primarily a selfish one. He knew they needed to regroup and work in bigger numbers for efficiency, but he just wanted to be closer to that unpleasant—even bitchy—man. Allen had long since admitted to himself that he had an unnatural attraction. He wasn't going to attach any sentiments to it, but he wouldn't deny that he watched Kanda with nothing short of awe. It was like watching a water drop roll off a freshly bloomed flower. You didn't notice it at first, because of all the other flowers; but when you noticed that one, it was all you saw.

Kanda wasn't exactly a flower…he was more like a Venus Flytrap. There was a strange beauty about him, but then again he bit like a savage. That was what he saw when he and Lenalee finally caught up with the other two. The savage ferocity of that "flower".

It was clear he'd taken some damage, if Allen was to take note of his appearance. His long hair was floating about him and it was clear it was pissing him off as he gracefully hacked everything to death in front of him. Most of his jacket was in ruins, but despite that, there wasn't a mark on his skin. Just that strange tattoo on his chest.

"Yuu! I think the coast is clear!"

"Stop calling me by that name, you damn idiot!"

"Stop it, you two!" Lenalee interjected to stop the probable change in Kanda's target. Lavi knew how to push buttons like no one ever before and Kanda's buttons were made for being pushed it seemed. Actually, the only person who seemed to push his buttons better than Lavi, was Allen himself.

"Aw, Yuu's just being a grouch!"

A growl emanated off Kanda and the anger fueled his attacks. He brought Mugen down on the level two without even a pause. His sword clean cleaved the creature and released the soul from its imprisoned hell. Allen could see it clearly. At least the soul was saved.

Allen dropped into the clearing next to Lavi and the redhead turned a grin on him, "You guys finally caught up~"

"We were kinda blocked off after you guys bolted out ahead, you know," Allen replied, his face showing almost a pout to Lavi, who instantly grinned.

"Don't worry, Allen~! Yuu and I are tough cookies~"

Kanda cut in with a vicious bark, "I will kill you if you don't stop calling me that, idiot." Mugen point in Lavi's direction with a murderous intent glistening around it. He wasn't in a very good mood, it was clear. Well, not in a good mood according to Kanda. Which meant almost unbearably pissy to normal people.

"There's a level three!" They heard a voice carry. From what any of them could guess, it sounded somewhat like Krory. Where he was, none of them were really too sure, but there was a sinking feeling that spread across the clearing and without a doubt, the cry of "level three!" hadn't been just a joke.

They all stood in the center circle of the town, eyes moving around and inspecting everything they saw moving. Smoke and trembling buildings were all they saw. The air fell stagnant and the tension rose to almost numbing heights. They were accustomed to fighting higher level Akuma, even taking out some level fours…but the higher level Akuma had abilities that one could never be sure about. It was like sticking your hand in a dog's mouth and wondering how many teeth it had and how much it would hurt if it bit you suddenly.

"Shit, where is it?"

Lavi stood straight, his hammer shaped to his height and the large end about the side of a carriage wheel. "I feel strangely like prey."

Just as Lavi's last word left his mouth a nasty screech invaded a silence. The sound filled the clearing so suddenly it made Allen jump a little. "_Kwahafawfawfaw_!"

It sounded almost like laughter, a shriekish horrifying laughter. The ground seemed to crack from above the laughter, where the Akuma pulled itself from. It was below them with long razor appendages attached to its sleek main body.

Lenalee dashed toward Lavi and vaulted him out of the way of one of the swinging appendages, carrying him out of reach and up on one of the desecrated buildings. His single eye didn't leave the spot he'd been in, or rather, the spot next to where he'd been standing before Lenalee brought him to safety.

"YUUU!"

Allen turned his body to look back over his shoulder after his necessary retreat to higher ground. He didn't like the sound of that strained word. He didn't like the way Lavi almost seemed ready to jump right back into that potential death trap. He didn't like Lenalee's terrified screech. He didn't like the chill that flew up into his body and stopped his heart cold as his eyes connected to the source of the sudden dread filling ever cell in his body.

One long appendage curled around Kanda's body. Its tightened grasp seemed to coil over every necessary spot to keep Kanda immobile. The long serrated spikes caressed his bare skin and drew lines of blood to cascade down his body. It's strangely pulsing appendage wrapped itself around Kanda's neck and before either Lavi or Allen could get back to the body, a loud sickening crunch was heard.

Lenalee's cry was heard over all the noise taking place. She caught up with Lavi, who was about ten steps behind Allen, as they watched the creature drop their fellow exorcist's unmoving body. His neck was contorted into an unnatural direction, and without even thinking, Allen closed the space between them to grab his body before the creature could do any more damage. Lavi activated his hammer and set out to blast that thing to ash with the twisting flames that came from his seal.

"Allen, is he okay!"

Allen set him down and checked over him. His pulse was still there, which meant his heart was beating…but he wasn't breathing. "I…I don't know. There's blood everywhere. Looks like it's coming from his ears. His neck looks broken."

Lavi swung another hard hit to the Akuma that was letting off more eerie laughing noises, "Snap his neck back into place!"

"What?" Allen's eye widened at the suggestion and he looked over Kanda, not even wanting to think about such a thing.

"Just do it!"

The snow haired boy shook his head and tried to calm his nerves, "Lenalee, can you hold him still?" He asked, not really needing her help, but wanting her presence out of his own fear. He was thankful for her understanding in that respect. She placed her hands on his chest, a sense of urgency in her eyes as she glanced back to Lavi, who was fighting the level three Akuma, assisted after several moments by Krory.

Allen closed his eyes and grit his teeth hard, his hands on each side of his fellow's head. 'I'm gonna be sick,' he thought and wrenched Kanda's neck straight with a strangled crack that he knew he'd never forget in his lifetime. Several moments of anxious waiting passed and Kanda opened his eyes. His body had been able to heal a broken neck.

"Oh Thank god." Lenalee cried.

But Allen knew immediately something was wrong. His eyes were open and his neck was seemingly better…but there was still blood flowing from his ears, thick and coagulating. He pressed his fingers into the thick red fluid. It was sticky. It was like it was clotting as soon as it came from his ears… "Kanda, can you hear me?"

No reply.

"BaKanda? Are you in there?"

Again, no response but a dull look in two almost catatonic eyes.

"Allen? What's wrong? Is he not healing?" She leaned close, inspecting the state of his eyes. They were unfocused and unblinking.

A painful thought occurred to Allen as his eyes continued to be stuck on the dark clumps of blood. "Lenalee…I don't think this is just bloo-." He started as he witnessed a horrifying sight unravel before him. From the man's ear, emerged a purple butterfly, floating out as if to taunt him. _Teasing him. _

His heart pounded so heavily in his chest he thought he was going to die himself. He could ear the quite laughter echoing from no where and everywhere all at once. "L…Lenalee…we have to get him back home now. **Now**."

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><p><strong>To Be Continued…<strong>

_A/N: Decent opening chapter? Yes? No? Die in a fire piece of shit? Let me know!_


	2. Survival

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Two<em>

Loud crashing sounds echoed up the hallways and threaded throughout the building. People's voices carried in all directions as they frantically moved to cater to the injured who were brought in from the scene. Panic seemed to escalate as a particular patient failed to immediately come out of the critical state like he usually did with ease. Komui shouted commands with a tinge of alarm as he was forced to start compressions on a man who never seemed to be able to die. "His temperature is over 106 F, we need to cool him down now!"

"H…hey, isn't 106 a lethal point?" Lavi stuttered, lingering just outside the room with Allen and Lenalee. They anxiously watched in the doorway as the scene exploded with urgency. Cold cloths were draped over Kanda's body and he was promptly being given assisted breaths in between compressions.

"We need to keep monitoring his oxygen level!" Komui's voice rose over all the beeps and whirs of the machinery. "We don't know what effects this can have on his brain if it's prolonged, someone please take over for me. Keep compressions going, I need to inspect his wound. Shut the door."

Lavi jumped back as one of the assistants apologetically shut the door and consequently locked them out from immediate range. Lenalee's hands clasped together mimicking prayer. Her eyes brimmed with tears that only seemed to freefall more as Lavi pounded on the wall next to the door. "Damn it, Yuu…"

"He'll be okay…" Allen's voice came out soft, but even to his own ears it felt hallow. He was making internal wishes that he wasn't sure were reasonable. The sight of that violet butterfly sent shivers of disgust through him. The same butterfly that almost destroyed his heart had been dancing death in Kanda's brain. And even though he was capable of regeneration…the brain wasn't a simple organ at all. The brain controlled body functions…and even if he were in perfect health, any permanent damage to his brain could… "No…he'll be fine."

Lenalee's hands reached out to clasp his shoulders and she hugged him tightly. For once, he didn't have any immediate objections. He just wanted to close his eyes and wake up to find that Kanda still had that usual pissed off look on his face. Not…dead eyes and brain matter seeping from his ears. His stomach lurched at the thought.

When he'd realized what his fingers had been touching, he'd almost vomited. He'd seen his fair share of horrifying things, but…that was his friend's… He shut his eyes and leaned his head against Lenalee's shoulder. He didn't even try to fight back the liquid pooling under his eyes. There was nothing he could have done once he saw that butterfly. They had tried to get him back as quickly as they possibly could. But… he felt so useless.

The fight had come to a screeching halt when they had realized they had to return back as soon as humanly possible. Rage from both he and Lavi had sent them down on the Akuma like angels of death. The level three Akuma met its end at a double attack and the weaker enemies were left for the remaining forces. They just didn't have time to wait for the battle to conclude. The other exorcists were capable and Allen had no choice but to leave the rest to them. He cradled Kanda's body while Lavi used his hammer to make their travel swift.

Wrapped tightly in Allen's black coat, Kanda had made no conscious movement, despite his eyes being open. The occasional blink occurred, but it appeared that this was an involuntary action and that only added to Allen's fear that the Teez had done far to much damage than was safe even for a man who had been able to heal his own broken neck in moments.

Allen spoke to Kanda the entire way back, trying to get any kind of reaction…no matter how small, any reaction would have shown a possibility for recovery. But there were no responses. His arms dangled heavily down his side and his legs were only supported by Allen's efforts. The white-haired boy had screamed in his own mind over and over, wishing he'd been able to intercept it. He begged for any sign. He numbly wished it had happened to him instead.

Anyone but Kanda, he thought guiltily.

But then…anyone other than Kanda wouldn't have even had a chance at survival. Even though it was looking like a losing fight, at least the fight still existed and Allen refused to believe that Kanda's pride would let him accept being killed by a butterfly. Eating his brain or no; Kanda would have rather killed himself than die by a butterfly, he suspected.

A dry, strained laugh passed his trembling lips, "H…he won't die to a butterfly."

"Y…yeah, Yuu's too manly for that."

Lenalee pulled Lavi into the hug. Even if he was a bookman—and supposed to be impartial—she knew he was worried. She could feel his deep platonic love for Kanda. They were like brothers. Twisted and bickering brothers; but brothers just the same. Kanda was like a brother to her as well. She couldn't stand the thought of losing another brother. If only she'd grabbed him too. But she knew blaming herself wouldn't make Kanda happy if he were in capacity to express any sort of emotion.

What they couldn't figure out was when the Teez had even infested him. Lavi and Lenalee had thought it happened when the Akuma had trapped him in its grasp. Allen suspected it was before they'd even caught up with him and Lavi. He knew the potential of those awful golems. He hated them with everything in him, even more so following Kanda's near death state.

The three of them lingered in the hall, eventually coming to sit against the wall, huddled by the door. They could hear muffled commands and beeps that managed to escape the thick walls. Lenalee fought back more tears every time she heard her brother's voice trickle to her ears. The panic had remained in his tone for what felt like hours. Every minute ticked on like days and the wait felt like it was going to suffocate everyone who even dared to come close.

At—what Lavi estimated to be—about half an hour since they were shut out, several other bodies approached the area. Krory has been treated and released for minor injuries and arrived at the critical scene with Marie, who was gritting his teeth, near tears himself.

Allen watched Marie without fear of being seen; Marie couldn't see after all. It crumbled his heart as he watched the grown man—that had obviously some history with Kanda—come close to breaking upon hearing the commotion on the other side of the closed doors. He could see the large man's fists clench helplessly. They were all helpless now, weren't they? He smiled bitterly to himself. 'Kanda would hate us all for making such a scene'.

More bodies trickled into the hall. Some curious, some concerned and some showing distress that wasn't expected. Various finders murmured amongst themselves. Some of them saying he deserved it, which brought Allen's blood to almost a boiling point. However, there were others defending him. A man whose name he'd determined to be Gozu, was adamantly protecting Kanda's reputation.

He wasn't a completely heartless monster, despite his boasts.

Even Allen knew that and Allen was the one Kanda gave the hardest time.

"Please BaKanda…" He pleaded out loud. He hadn't realized his words carried until the voices quieted around him. His head dropped back and he stared at the ceiling, tears blurring his vision; not caring who saw him or what they thought of his display. He wanted them all to shut up. He wanted them to go away. "Please…don't die. Please. I'll do anything if you don't die, you stupid idiot." His voice felt thick in his throat and it threatened to choke him. He'd felt loss before, but this was a different kind of pain.

"Allen…" Lenalee caught his eyes and hugged him tighter. Her heart splintered seeing his distress seeping into his features. He was so emotive; always showing his heart on his sleeve and it was almost painful to see the extent of his ache this time. Her womanly instinct picked up every sob that wracked his body and she could only place this response somewhere in the range of "love".

It wasn't a surprise. Maybe to anyone else, but she'd never seen Kanda so animated around anyone before. They fought tooth and nail over everything. Their companionship, if you could call it that, was what brought out Allen's real side: the young man who was just as much of a hellion as Kanda. Allen was just more polite when it was necessary and sometimes even unnecessary.

Her fingers ran through his soft white hair, patting it down and trying to calm him. "He's too stubborn to die, Allen," she reassured, hoping she was right.

The sounds coming from the medical room were getting softer, less rushed and more consistent. There was a steady hum of activity behind the doors now. Komui's voice died down to inside volume and hearing any updates was hard through the brick walls. It was hard to tell if this was a good thing or a bad thing. It could mean he was stabilized…or it could mean he didn't make it and the supervisor was trying to come up with a way to break the news to the three of them.

They waited.

And waited.

Hours upon hours of anxiousness was threatening to drive Allen insane and he was ready to force his way into that room when the door opened and Komui stood in the entrance way. His face was flushed from the rush of it all and he was breathing heavily, as if he'd run a marathon. His eyes were dark and hints of wetness could be seen on his face where he'd pulled his glasses from his face to wipe his eyes.

"Brother?" The tentative voice brought Komui's eyes to them. He panted more evenly, his wits collecting and he stood straighter.

"You three, come in here please. I'd rather talk to you without the audience."

No one was sure what the hell that meant. That could have meant the worst, but at the same time, that could have been Komui giving the three of them the reassurance they needed without the unnecessary collection of people to drown out the detailed progress report he was likely to give.

Numbly, Allen stood up and wobbled over to the door, with Lenalee right behind him and Lavi following them both in. The door was closed once again as they all entered the medical room.

"Okay, the good news is. He's stable."

A cry of relief came from more than one of the people in the room and Allen wiped his eyes, waiting for the man to continue.

"His brain was…I can't really think of a better way to put it than _swiss cheese_. Even then, that's making light of it. More than three quarters of his brain was…gone from what we inspected. Luckily, his body's regeneration doesn't exclude that organ. We've monitored it and it actually appears his brain has fully regenerated at the cost of some of his lifespan. Without pushing his body a little, he would have died. Unfortunately…" He paused, not knowing how exactly to continue.

"Brother?"

"Unfortunately, while his brain has rebuilt itself in matter…it hasn't exactly reconnected all the wiring."

Allen's relief wavered at this. "W…what do you mean?"

"It means that he's essentially like an empty book. The book itself is entirely there, but the pages are still being written. He'll need a lot of time to reconnect his memories, motor functions…and…there's no telling how long that will be or if he'll even be able to do so. Physically, his body is absolutely healed without a scratch. Mentally…he has a two year old's capacity. Which, is still an improvement, when his brain first reformed, he had absolutely nothing. He'll need to have familiar stimulus to try to jar memories and behaviors back into him."

"Can we do anything to help?" Allen blurted without even waiting for the man to breath after his last word.

"Actually, yes. I will need at least one of you to be a permanent care taker. He's most familiar with the three of you and when the other two of you aren't busy, being around him may help speed up his recovery if he can recover. His body isn't like most, so this isn't exactly a brain science we can truly count on. It's not like having amnesia. So don't get any idea to hit his head to try and force it back in." He cast Lavi a quick glance.

Biting his lip, Allen had only one question lingering in his mind. "How come you don't have Marie take care of him? Marie knows Kanda better than we do, probably…"

"Marie can't see Kanda, which is important right now. Kanda can't communicate in words as of right now. So we'll need to use his body language to see if we can make sense of any attempts he makes."

Allen nodded. He understood that, certainly. He felt a little guilty immediately raising his hand to the task, but he wanted so badly to help Kanda from what he'd just witnessed the man going through. He never wanted to see that beautiful face look so…dead, again.

"I'll volunteer, Komui. I can take care of him. I've had a lot of experience having to fend for myself in worse places than this. With help, I think I can do this. I can help him. I know I can. He's got to still be in there."

Komui smiled. There was a somber echo to his smile, but he was hoping beyond all reason that Allen Walker was right.

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><p><strong>To Be Continued…<strong>

_A/N: Like it? Hate it? Go die in a fire you piece of shit? Let me know! Thank you for the previous reviews. I'm enjoying myself. And I apologize for its unbeta'd status. _


	3. Doubt

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Three<em>

There was nothing remarkable about Kanda's room. It was impersonal as the day he'd probably set foot in it. The walls were bare with exceptions to scattered pictures that were hung plainly on the brick. The room was chilly and lit only from the overcast sunlight that seeped in through the single window.

Allen looked around, not particularly surprised by this. Kanda wasn't known to be very personal in anything, but he had to wonder if that was superficial or he really chose to have absolutely nothing that could give away his personal feeling and sense of self. From the looks of his personal area, it was appearing more and more that Kanda really didn't have much of a _personal_ space, but just a _space._

He moved into the impersonal room, setting the lamp flame to a comfortable brightness. Lavi let himself in behind him and set to wake Kanda up from his long sleep. This had become a pattern for them. Over the previous three days since they had taken roles being his caretaker, they had worked out a way for all of them to get social interaction with him. Everything from wake up routines, to bathing.

They let him sleep during the midday and came to wake him up just before dinner. His mind seemed to be improving in the ways of alertness, but his limits left him clearly tired for long periods. Thinking didn't seem to be Kanda's forte before this brain damage, and it certainly wasn't his forte now.

"Yuu, it's time to eat," Lavi said sweetly, helping the mute man into a sitting position. His Asian garb made him look like he was both battle ready and sleep ready. Allen somewhat envied the clothing style of the eastern side. It looked comfortable, but it wouldn't suit someone like him. Kanda looked like he belonged in a Japanese painting, so it was only natural he would suit it to a perfect degree.

Lenalee came in moments after Lavi, who had finally managed to get Kanda sitting up without a fight. His legs were dangling from the bed and Allen struggled to get his flat shoes on before he could kick him in the face out of sheer instinct. He had to wonder if Kanda's very being was programmed to want to cause him bodily harm.

"He's looking a little more alert." Lenalee smiled and carried a tray with her to set on a small table beside his bed. They weren't exactly ready to take him to the cafeteria area, so they simply brought food to him.

"He's still refusing to make any noise. Maybe he just can't. He's not fighting quite like before though."

"Yeah, he didn't kick my jaw in while getting his shoes on this time either," Allen laughed a bit. It was a somber laugh, but there was a part of him so full of relief at the show of growth that his laugh partially rang true.

"Even with his mind a little blank, he's probably not comfortable with people being so close to him all the time."

She climbed up on the bed with a comb and ribbon in her hand, seating herself behind him to brush his long silky hair free from knots. She was almost jealous of his long hair. Her hair had been long, if not longer, but the color of his hair and the texture were just the sort of thing women go out of their way to achieve. She pressed the comb against his scalp and gently worked it down, freeing those strands from neighboring ones.

"Haha, look'it. He closes his eyes when you do that," Lavi teased and those eyes opened slowly. It was brief and it was easy to miss, but Lavi swore he saw a familiar look of threat in those dark eyes. "Aww Yuu, don't make faces," he chuckled and prepared to feed him.

Allen was sure that this would embarrass Kanda to an early death. He was sitting up and he stayed seated upright, but he wasn't really able to focus his mind to move his hands more than heavy fumbling and walking was downright impossible with the way he lacked the coordination and ability to control his feet like his mind was trying. He was getting the idea, but the actual action was hindered by his mind's broken status.

"Come on, Yuu, just eat it. You love Soba. Well, I think you do. You always eat it."

Allen sighed as his attention turned back from glancing over Kanda's current appearance to Lavi's…attempt at hand feeding Kanda. Lenalee had done that the previous few nights and it appeared there was a really good reason for that. "Lavi, he's not going to eat anything from you if you feed him off a fork. Not to mention, you're making that face. I wouldn't eat anything you push in my face either."

"Huh? What? That's how I've seen women feeding their children. It makes them happy and comforted, right? Right Yuu?" He turned around suddenly to press the fork closer and Kanda's foot shot out immediately and right into the redhead's shin, sending him to the floor in a whiny grunt. "Ooow. He kicked me!"

"I would too, Lavi. Do I need to do it again? You're going to upset him." Feminine fingers traced through the long locks and pulled them back carefully, not wanting to pull any out. The long ribbon she'd placed on her lap was pulled under the high pony tail and she nimbly tied the ribbon so that it held firmly in place, the tails of the ribbon falling along side his hair.

Kanda turned his head to look at her when her hands fell back to her lap and she smiled. His eyes shone with something she couldn't quite make out. She had a feeling it was some degree of appreciation for the action, but she wasn't going to assume anything without his permission. She just patted his shoulder affectionately and kept her sweet smile on him.

Motion in front of him cause Kanda to return his gaze back and no longer was Lavi in his direct sight, but instead replaced by Allen. "Sorry, BaKanda. You'll have to deal with me, because Lavi's an idiot, right?" He chuckled and Lavi pouted, even despite Allen's teasing, even friendly, insult that was reminiscent of what Kanda had called the redhead.

With care, Allen leaned forward with proper chopsticks carrying a small bite that the Japanese man was sure to appreciate more than when was served by fork. He took the bite slowly. It was progress. The first time, they really had to work at it. Lenalee, with her patience of the gods, had spent at least and hour clearing a small portion and Kanda fought wordlessly with her the whole way.

Komui had said he had the capacity of a two year old, but they didn't really think he meant it literally. He was capable of understand their words, he could function to some degree and made ways to communicate with them by looks and strained gestures, but there were too many things he absolutely couldn't do alone. They'd tried to work with him and encourage him to eat by himself, but he would start gritting his teeth when he couldn't move the chopsticks or keep them in his hands properly for more than a few minutes.

For the sake of time and Kanda's poor teeth, they'd decided to keep it to the simpler tasks. Kicking his legs had been the first major physical success and Lavi was stupid in even encouraging that one. He deserved every kick he got, Lenalee has thought when she first had to check Allen's poor nose. Though, even if it was a terrible idea to encourage a potentially harmful range of activity, his ability to follow simple instructions showed something. Kicking meant his motor skills weren't completely shot and the strength of that first kick into Lavi's poor knee showed that he was capable of some control.

Though, he seemed to only lash out against them when they were attempting to feed him. At the time it was why they had Lenalee doing it. He seemed to have an instinct not to kick her. Struggle, turn his head, make face and lay back on the bed to escape her, yes; but he never kicked.

"See, Lavi? He's not offended now."

"He's so finicky." The redhead, leaned against the back of the chair that he was straddling. "But that's our Yuu."

"I told you he was still in there, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but…are you sure we'll be able to get him completely out of this, Allen? I mean… He's better, but three days and he can't really do mu-"

A chopstick found its way threateningly pointing at Lavi's face. The redhead jumped back with his arms up in defense, calling mercy to Allen who had that serious face on. "He'll get better, Lavi. He will. He's not a quitter. Don't even suggest it."

"Hey, hey, I'm not saying he's a quitter or anything. I'm just saying that…what if the Yuu doesn't go back to being Yuu? It would like being a different person…It wouldn't be much different than if he died…"

"Lavi…Shut up. Kanda is Kanda and that's it. I believe in him to recover. He's never proved me wrong or let me down even if he didn't mean it that way. I can't count the amount of times he's saved me just to prove his point. It's no different now."

"Allen…" The single emerald eye softened at Allen's resolve. The way the snowy haired exorcist had clung to this believe had led his mind reeling in thoughts and considerations that usually came when evidence was presented in front of him. Like Lenalee, he was observant; and like Lenalee, he came to the same conclusion. It was cute and strange all at the same time.

But he was worried about Allen. Allen was so bent on believing, that he'd set himself up for a potential heartbreak. It wasn't that Lavi wanted to think the worst, but after several days and a snail's pace recovery for the quickest healer he'd ever met, it was looking like a steeper and steeper slope into a direction that wouldn't end well for someone.

"I don't mean to offend either of you, Allen, I'm just thinking out loud. You never know what could happen…"

A sigh escaped parted lips and those silver eyes blinks slowly as he continued feeding a man who had once threatened to kill him and had the power to back up such a threat. "I know. I'm just… I don't want to think of it that way, Lavi. I don't want to see it go down hill like that."

"Cheer up, Allen. He'll come through. I mean, he's kicked both you and Lavi a few times, that has to mean he's in there somewhere." There was a bit too much joy in her voice as she dropped those facts out, but they were just that. Facts. With the strength he put into kicking Lavi's legs out, he had to have some partial influence in his mind. Some biased reason why kicking Lavi seemed like a perfectly awesome idea.

Allen passed the last bite to the dark haired man and he felt quite pleased. He'd finished his meal without a hitch…well mostly without a hitch and he'd even eaten more than usual.

Hesitantly, he reached out to Allen. His hand wavered as he struggled to make it do what he wanted to. Those fingers curled around the chopsticks in Allen's hand, much to the surprise of the British boy. One pair of fingers let go of the chopsticks and the other pair took them into his hand and placed them—with effort—on to the chopstick rest before looking back to Allen with long slow blinks. He leaned his head slightly forward and Allen could have sworn it almost looked like a polite bow. If there was anything Allen could ever say in defense of Kanda, the man _did_ have splendid table manners while actually eating…

That aobviously didn't exactly include their lunch table fights, but that was beside the point.

A muscle involuntarily tugged at the smaller man's lip and the smile etched wider across his face. "I told you, Lavi."

The bandana wearing hammer user gave a large toothy grin, "Haha, looks like Yuu can't stand to be doubted."

"This is wonderful!" Their female companion brushed her fingers down Kanda's pony tail and leaned toward the other two. "I think we should go out to the garden today. It's a little overcast, but it's not too hot, so he might get some fresh air."

"I think that sounds like a perfect plan, Lenalee. How about it, Kanda?"

Dark eyes slowly traveled from person to person before settling on the window, content with watching the light filter in through the breaks in the clouds. There was no protest, or any hint of a protest, and they took that as his way of saying "yes".

"Let's go then."

**To Be Continued….**

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><p><em>AN: Love it? Hate it? Go die in a fire piece of shit? Let me know! Thank you everyone for reading. I'm glad this doesn't seem to be too stretched; sometimes it's hard to tell with your own story if you're getting the right portrayal across. So thanks! You have my gratitude. See you in the next chapter.  
><em>


	4. Protect

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Four<em>

The cool wind blew through the trees in a soothing wave over the small garden. It wasn't something spectacular, just an ordinary garden. Despite the blandness of this small haven, it was comforting to the bodies that took to occupying it during the afternoons. Flowers edged the whole area and framed the stalks and other assorted plants that were commonly used when the chef prepared meals with the home raised vegetables.

Leaves began to slip from the trees with each gust of wind that threatened to carry them all away. Allen picked the leaves from his hair with amusement. It wasn't annoying or anything. It was peaceful. He looked down at the head resting against his bent knee. A week ago, he'd been looking at the same image, only strikingly more horrifying.

Kanda rolled to his side and pressed his ear against that knee, his dark eyes blinking and watching the wind tumble through the tall grasses. In the time since he'd regained some degree of self awareness, the dark haired man had refused any sort of affiliation with anyone other than Allen, Lenalee and to some extent, Lavi. When Komui made an attempt to check up on him, he was met with resistance that made him retreat quickly.

Despite the thrashing and strangled attempts at whining protests, Komui was extremely happy at this. This was progress.

Allen wasn't thinking about "progress" and Kanda's "current state". He was just thinking about moving forward and trying to help the man as best they could. He didn't want to stress anyone and he didn't want to push Kanda. That could end up in stirring up things that could harm him more than good.

From what he could tell, Kanda recognized some faces, places, and he was coherent enough to catch on to some word meanings or at least the tone at which they were spoken. His memories had to be leaking back in slowly, but in what sequence, they couldn't be sure. He was convinced fully that he knew who Marie was. That much had been apparent in the way Kanda acceptingly received a hug when the large man had come in to check on his current state.

It was quick, but it was full of affection like a big brother's care for a younger sibling. Marie had a history with Kanda that the others weren't exactly sure of, but there was deep respect between them It brought forth another small tear to Allen's eye when he saw how deeply affected the man was over the accident that hadn't been quite an accident, but Tyki torturing Allen by targeting the people he cared for.

He subconsciously found himself running his good hand through Kanda's soft hair. There was no sound of protest, but a gentle shifting as the man made himself more comfortable. He'd made previous indications that his head was giving him pain, which had brought them out to relax there in the first place. It wasn't a surprise that having your brain destroyed, then regenerated might leave a bit of a headache.

"How's he doin?"

"He's doing better, I think. What'd Komui have to say, Lavi?"

A green eye peered down at him with a mirth that spread deep across his face, "He says he's gonna have to split us up later on, but he'll let us keep this up for at least the next five days. Lenalee will be back from town soon too. She says we should try taking him to the cafeteria. Maybe he'll jog some memories in there?"

A sigh left Allen's lips, "I guess that means we need to get him in the bath now then, before she comes back?"

"Well, I some how don't think she's gonna wanna join the fun, ya get me?"

"Women can be just as perverted as say…you, Lavi."

"Hey now, be nice, beansprout."

"My name is All-"

His words fell half way when he felt the body rested against his knee move. Kanda's long hair trailed down his shoulder—spilling on to Allen's leg—as those dark eyes looked up at him like he had been jolted awake by something. Both pairs of eyes locked for a moment, a single instant of recognition passed before it settled back into a state of somber questioning. It was like a memory that was there, fresh at the surface, but yet draped by a veil that cut into the clarity.

"Hey, do you think he recognized-"

"Shh, don't, Lavi. He has to remember some stuff fully on his own, remember? Komui told us to be careful not to teach him memories. Otherwise, he may just learn how to act like himself and not actually be himself."

"I know, I know. Let's get him moving, kay?"

A nod followed and Allen sat forward a bit. He took Kanda's hand in the least offensive way he could in order to help him get to a standing position. He knew that the man wouldn't exactly have the capacity to really be offended at that point; but at some point, those memories would come back and then he'd have to face the wrath of Kanda. Wrapping his fingers around the more elegant ones, he pulled and encouraged his fellow exorcist to push himself up more. Without making it obvious, he'd slowly begun to put less effort into helping, making him work harder and push himself to rekindle his relationship with his nerves.

Walking was still something of a task. Moving wasn't impossible, but his coordination by himself was awful and usually reduced him to annoyed crawling and eventually giving up in frustration.

In all this, he still had yet to speak a single word.

And that disturbed Allen Walker the most.

"You got this, Yuu." Lavi's voice broke his quiet thinking and he held Kanda's shoulder and advanced step by step, eventually falling into their three person lineup, where he and Lavi would be on each side of him.

He recalled the first time they'd set about this particular task, thanking all the gods that they had mixed nationalities and thus, a communal bath. It didn't make it awkward to cram three people into a small wash room, because they simply used the big bathhouse when it was fairly empty.

Just like every night before, they stepped in and gathered the necessary items to get this_ fun _experience over with. He couldn't deny that he still felt a little awkward when they had to strip Kanda down. It made his face a little hot and he usually was able to blame it on the heat caused by the spring.

No one would be lying to say that Kanda was a good looking man. He had a handsome strong face, framed by perfect hair—clean and kept neat—with eyes that angled in just a way to make his features appear angular, not too masculine…but masculine enough. Even with his hair splayed out, he maintained a gentle masculinity that Allen somewhat envied. He was beautiful, but dangerous.

Pulling the cloth from his upper body, silver eyes laid out over the strange tattoo mark on his chest. He'd looked at it each and every time, and he couldn't explain why it gave him shivers. He couldn't explain why he seemed to think it had grown since that first time he saw it. Well, he knew it did. He couldn't be going that crazy. It was spread further out to his shoulder and he wondered constantly why that was, but he didn't ask anyone. The only person who he was willing to hear that answer from wasn't talking at the moment. So he'd wait.

"Okay, Yuu, you know the drill. Let's get them pretty locks o' yours all nice and clean."

"You sound creepy, Lavi."

A cunning eye turned on him and he didn't like the way it gave off an aura of mischief. "Look whose talking, Mr. Blushy face."

"I am not blushing! It's hot in here!"

"Yeah, 'cause we took Yuu's clothes off." That grin reached toothy levels that made Allen feel extremely vulnerable and yet filled him with the desire to choke Lavi.

"I know you get all hot and bothered by him, Lavi, but don't project that on me."

"Oh Allen, I know you want all up on him. I mean look at him. He's pretty good looking~" Lavi eyed him up and down, at least being decent enough to act this silliness while the man was at least still wearing pants.

"Lavi, please, no matter how much you eye him longingly, I think he'd probably drop kick you, before you got anywhere," Allen rolled his eyes, swatting Timcanpy away, who chose to divert from Allen to sit on Kanda's head. The owner of that head simply blinked languidly, raising one hand slowly up to touch Timcanpy and tiredly pluck it off his head, holding the small gold golem in his hand. He involuntarily twitched when Tim opened his toothy mouth and licked him.

"So, you think he'd choose you if we were the last two people on earth."

Without skipping a beat, "Yes."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I don't call him by his first name."

"That's not a good reason," Lavi frowned.

"We're seriously discussing this?" A towel was draped around Kanda's shoulders, when Allen decided to ignore Lavi's intentional taunting. He could clearly see what the redhead was doing now. Kanda may have been mentally shattered, but he wasn't deaf or blind. This discussion could end up imprinting in his memory later and Allen didn't wish to have to explain why they would even go there to begin with, Lavi's taunting or not.

"Yuu, why don't you tell us," Lavi straight up ignored him and he ground his teeth a little. "If we were the last two people ever in the world, who would you rather take care of you?"

Allen groaned at the very concept of asking that to a person who would probably kill them both and live in an empty world contently. He watched Timcanpy fly up off Kanda's hand and back to his head, where Kanda plucked him off again. It was clearly going to be a repeating cycle. But for a moment, the Japanese man stared at Lavi, inspecting his features and despondently shifting his weight from foot to foot, his eyes showcasing how hard his mind was flittering thoughts; trying to figure out what was being expressed and how to return it.

"Are you done annoying, Kanda?"

"He's not annoyed, he's thinking! So how about it Yuu~?"

A twitch at Kanda's lip pulled it down into a frown that almost resembled the many frowns he'd worn before. His fingers wrapped around Timcanpy to keep in him his hand for the moment, and the other hand brushed against Allen's sleeve, catching it in a light grasp. He turned his head from Lavi and set to ignore the redhead.

"Ouch, Yuu. Just, Ouch."

"Now that you've been thoroughly denied, can we get back to important stuff? Lenalee will be back soon, right?"

"Yeah yeah, yeesh, you're mean when you're grouchy, Allen."

"I am not. You're making this uncomfortable," he retorted, throwing him a towel and assisting Kanda in removing the rest of his clothing; wrapping his waist in a towel.

Timcanpy squeezed out of Kanda's grasp and floated around Allen's head once before going back to Kanda, flitting about landing on his shoulder while Allen was stripping down for the bath as well. Timcanpy opened his mouth to lick the man again when Allen cut in, "Timcanpy, stop that. You're annoying Kanda too."

Kanda poked it.

Timcanpy licked him.

Kanda flicked it.

Timcanpy flitted behind his neck and perched under his hair.

"Hmmmn, iie."

Allen turned, wide eyed. It wasn't much of a sound, but he'd heard that word slip from the Japanese man's mouth before. He was pretty sure "iie" stood for "no" in his native language.

"Holy hell," Lavi blurted with the same expression Allen had. "He said something, Allen!"

"I know, I heard it too."

Kanda looked at both of them with half lidded eyes. He closed them and leaned his head, wanting his bath and less interaction. He turned his gaze and tried to let them know that with just his eyes alone. Timcanpy came out from under his hair and flittered over to Allen and opened his jaws wide to bite his hair and pull.

"Tim! What are you doing?" He frowned at the golden ball, watching it pull his hair. "What? You want us to go to the bath? Okay, okay, we're going." He huffed and swatted Tim, who went right back to sitting on Kanda's head.

"It's like he's protecting, Yuu." Lavi chuckled.

Allen had somewhat taken note of that himself. Lavi may have thought it was a joke, but Timcanpy really never had any other interactions with Kanda that would lead to fondness…was Timcanpy picking up on his affections for Kanda? While they helped Kanda into the warm water, letting him dissolve into it, he wondered if he was actually that obvious.

**To Be Continued… **

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><p><em>AN: New OTP KandaxTimcanpy. _

…

_What, can't see it? _

_Spoil sports. _

_**Reviews are like candy. And I'm perfectly okay with cavities. And thank you to everyone who reviewed thus far! It makes it worth the time writing!** _


	5. Hallucination

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Five<em>

A golden ball floated around and monitored the man sitting in the lounge room. The winged golem perched in several places in the room, eventually going back to rest upon the occupant's head. It was shooed away and simply went about the process once more, completing the cycle. Timcanpy dropped down on the back of the sofa that the black haired dependent was currently resting against. His little golden body inched across the back of the leather until he was just above the other body. He sat there, wings stretched out and motionless. He was instructed by his young master to keep an eye on Kanda while he went to speak with Komui.

There weren't very many places that Allen had been content with leaving Kanda, but he had decided that as long as Tim was with him, at least if something went wrong, the little golden golem could report to him immediate. The lounge was a little brighter than Kanda's room and the barrage of colors were likely to keep his senses stimulated more than in the monotonous room stagnating with lifelessness.

Ultimately, Kanda's head grew heavier as he grew more tired of thinking. The little golem floated down to the sofa armrest when he moved to lie down, filling the length of the sofa. Comfort settled in and he rolled to his side, eyes heavy and head throbbing as random words and feeling leaked in and vanished all at once and yet not at all. He couldn't remember who he was, but he knew exactly who he was…or did he?

He let out a small groan of dissatisfaction. His arms weren't cooperating and his legs felt like jelly much of the time. The best he had accomplished by himself at that moment was moving his body to lie down on the opposite end of that plush piece of furniture.

Dozens of images kept flashing in his mind and it kept him from closing his eyes just yet. His long hair hung free down the side of the couch, touching the floor at the tips and making it look like a waterfall of dark hair. His hand reached out instinctually and he touched the end of the dark locks, inspecting those strands intensely.

It felt like it wasn't even his own hair, but the pull against his scalp told him otherwise. Didn't he have shorter hair? He thought he did. Or maybe he didn't. Actually, he wasn't very sure what he looked like. He saw his face in the mirror, but it looked foreign. He looked older than he thought he was.

He felt Timcanpy drop down and snuggle against his neck as he laid there. He didn't have the energy to make the little golden creature go away. The little critter wasn't that annoying as long as it kept its tongue inside of its mouth and out of his hair.

When there really were no more thoughts occupying his mind; he closed his eyes, resting his face against the sofa. Sleep overtook him and his head stopped throbbing as a result. Oblivious to the world, he curled into the leather.

The time passed in long ticks, as indicated by the clock on the wall. Kanda didn't stir. He slept soundly. Steady breathing set a rhythm for the room and Timcanpy curled close.

Absently, Allen had begun to miss his little head-pet, but he was also okay with that head-pet staying close to Kanda. It gave him a better sense of security when it became apparent that the exorcists still had to do some form of work to not alert Central of what happened. It wasn't exactly a wise idea to not mention the event, but Komui had said insistently that he did not want to risk Kanda being taken up by Central.

Allen was able to protect Kanda in at least some way with Tim there. Lavi had been sent on a short mission and Lenalee had another task keeping her busy for the time. So aside from when he could get one of them roped in, Allen was the only one really consistently there. That didn't mean he didn't have tons of help. He couldn't have done it without everyone's help. It was just getting harder and harder as Kanda withdrew his willingness to be around anyone else more and more.

He smiled, passing people in the halls after he left Komui's office. Occasionally he would stop for a short chat with people. Being social seemed to come naturally, even though all he wanted to do was get back to the lounge and proceed with the daily schedule like usual. He couldn't deny getting a little worried as the days slipped away. Kanda hadn't spoken much else beside that Japanese word. He'd made utterances and usually they involved telling Timcanpy "no", clear indications that Kanda didn't like his hair being a nest.

There was distraction in his silver eyes that usually gave away to others that his mind was in other places and as a result, they usually kept the interaction short. For some reason, they all avoided asking about Kanda, unless they had a specific reason to—such as Marie. Allen wondered if it went back to how Kanda treated everyone, or perhaps it would be easier to say how Kanda didn't even bother with everyone else. He supposed it would make sense if many people disliked him. The man pointed a sword at his face before either of them had uttered names.

Even then, Kanda never once called him by name. Though, as the days molded together, Allen was starting to desire that so much. He'd have given anything to hear "beansprout" slip from those lips with intent.

With an exhale of breath, he reached the lounge and turned the door to let himself in to check up on his dependent. He was instantly met with Timcanpy to the face and he let out a small grunt of irritation. "Tim!"

"Hn, idiot apprentice."

The voice was familiar to Allen's ears. So familiar that it sent tremors of terror through his body that threatened to force him into a full break-out run and never come back. The only thing keeping him planted to that spot was the threat of pain and the concept of leaving Kanda in a room with the man who gave him frequent nightmares and more debt than a small country.

He looked back to Tim, who has floating about still. The little golden ball-creature was supposed to warn him about danger. _Thanks, Timcanpy._

"W…wait, what are you doing here?" He stared a moment, realizing that he'd stepped foot into the headquarters, probably completely unnoticed and sat there, on the same sofa as Kanda appeared to be resting. Even worse was that Kanda's head had managed to find its way against the man's leg, much like he usually did with Allen when they were out in the garden. A little twitch of annoyance seeped into him and he wanted to toss his master out. But at the same time, he was confused as to why Kanda hadn't struggled like he'd done with everyone else and for some reason Cross Marian seemed to have absolutely no problem with being used as a pillow. Something wasn't right.

"I just wanted to confirm something, idiot apprentice," he said with a puff of smoke leaving his mouth. The tone suggested that he thought his answer wasn't anything but clear and concise, but this just made Allen's blood pressure raise more. "Timcanpy showed me what was necessary. I'll be on my way." Without giving the boy a chance to interject, he slipped from under Kanda and stood, towering him with that frightening look on his face.

Allen raised his arms as the tremors seeped into his very being. "D…don't hit me again."

"Hn, idiot apprentice," the general said simply, striding past him without any hesitation. "Tiedoll is here," were the last words that had come from his lips before he seemed to vanish from existence. Allen made a dash for the door and looked around with urgency, but he really was gone.

"Did I just hallucinate?" His hand moved to his face in contemplation, considering if he was just tired or if his master was just back to playing cruel games with him. It wasn't until he spotted the messy gray mop of the artist across the large circular building, that he realized that there was some truth to the image of Cross Marian. Whether it was real or an illusion, there was no doubt that it was right about Tiedoll being there and if Allen remembered anything about what Marie said about Tiedoll…he treated his apprentices as children…which meant…

"Oh, why does this have to be complicated…" Allen moved back into the room and kneeled before Kanda, who was groggily stirring from sleep. "Hey, we gotta move, okay?"

Two dark eyes opened and watched him heavily. He was coming out of a short sleep, accompanied by Tim, who dropped down on his head while he sat up. The Japanese man looked around, eyes glancing over Allen and everything else. It seemed to be a look that suggested something was missing. This made Allen question if Kanda had been fully aware of Cross's presence, assuming Cross has actually been there in the first place. It wasn't exactly beyond Allen's mind to haunt him with images of his demon of a master on occasion.

"Here, take my hand. I'm going to take you to my room, because I think you have a visitor that you probably don't want to deal with right now."

Kanda blinked his slanted eyes at Allen's hand and hesitantly place his own hand into it. His muscles screaming awake to aid his movement so he could stand with the slightly shorter male. He grunted and lifted the other arm to pluck Tim from his head, placing it on Allen's head and patting it with a deadpan expression. There was a hint of a threat in his dark eyes that would have normally indicated harm to the Golem if it didn't stay put.

Allen's arm snaked behind the taller man, and he slowly coached him back into the short slow steps that had gotten them there to begin with. He had learned very quickly that he needed to be close to Kanda when he tried to venture out on his own. The man was stubborn no matter what form and he'd tried many times to travel, only to end up on the ground, waiting for someone to assist him. Movement was still off center and filled with confusion.

They'd had the worst experience yet, days previous when they'd tried to integrate Kanda into the social setting of the cafeteria. He'd been walking on his own, between Lavi and Allen, and then Jerry appeared. It wasn't Jerry's fault, but the man was so flamboyant and outgoing that it startled Kanda. Poor Jerry, who wasn't really that aware of what had happened, had accidentally caused Kanda to take too many steps back and lose his balance. The cafeteria was somewhat empty, but there had still been a few people to see the man's head connect with the floor.

He'd lied still for a few moments before curling his toes at the pain that probably flooded back into his brain. Allen blamed himself for not being quick enough to catch him, but his healing ability seemed to kick in and cover any possible fractures he might have gotten. A couple of the people in the cafeteria jumped up to help them get him to a place where he could sit and rekindle his senses. They spoke softly and Kanda didn't seem to be bothered by their assistance, which had led Allen to believe that it wasn't about who was near him as much as how they spoke to him.

Komui had a voice that carried across buildings…which might have explained by he was so adamant about not being near the man. Even so, Kanda didn't allow anyone to touch him without protest unless it was either he or Lenalee…Lavi was subjected to being kicked if the previous two individuals weren't with him. It made Allen wonder if Kanda was annoyed by the sound of Lavi's voice, or if he recognized the redhead. It was also possible it was both reasons.

"Almost there," Allen reassured, taking him in the opposite direction he saw Tiedoll coming from. His room wasn't that far and Allen wanted to get him safely tucked away before his mentor found him like that. He was being protective, he knew. But it was for the safety of everyone involved that Tiedoll didn't harass Kanda.

"Allen?"

It was Lenalee that stood before them, her casual attire accentuating her usual aura of pleasantness.

"Oh hi, Lenalee. I'm trying to take Kanda back to my room before Tiedoll catches up."

"Tiedoll is here?"

"You didn't see him?"

"No…but I guess it makes sense to keep him away from Kanda for now. I'll go with you, then. Oh! And I bought something while I was in town that might be good for Kanda." She added, moving out of the path to walk with them to his room.

"What'd you buy?"

"It's a Japanese tea called _Tamaryokucha. _It's supposed to have a more neutral, tangy taste. It's not sweet, but not bitter. So I though he could enjoy it and maybe the caffeine will get him a little more alert. I'll tell you, Japanese teas are hard to come across."

"That was nice of you, I'm sure he'll like that."

The door to Allen's room slid open and before Kanda stepped into the room, his eyes scanned over Lenalee before he bowed his head enough to shade his eyes by his hair and a soft utterance spilled from his lips, "arigato gozaimasu."

Allen and Lenalee gave each other shocked looks before entering the room and closing the door gently behind them, minds blazing with the sound of his voice.

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><p><strong>To Be Continued…<strong>

_A/N: For some reason, it won't let me reply to everyone's reviews, so thank you guys for all the reviews! _

_To Answer someone's questions: Tim is seme. Totally. _


	6. Polyurethane

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Six<em>

"So he's speaking more now, huh?"

"Yeah, but he's only speaking Japanese…" Allen sighed and slumped into the seat. Lavi had finally returned from his mission, to see this new development and to Allen's disgruntlement, Lavi was perfectly able to understand him. He was a tiny bit jealous at that. He felt completely cut off from words with Kanda now that it was apparent that his memories were leaking back, but from the beginning. It was creating a huge language barrier.

"That's good though, right? It means he's still in there to some extent, and not just a vegetable. Yuu is still yuu!" The big grin Lavi sported was promptly cut off by the hard skull cracking object thrown into his head. Timcanpy fluttered after a moment and flew back to the source of the throw. "Ooooow. HNNG. Yuu…."

"Damare. Mou takusan!" Kanda growled, voice raised not much above a harsh whisper.

"Oh Yuu, don't be so mean."

"Lavi, what'd he say?" Lenalee asked, watching the Japanese man reach his arm up to pluck Timcanpy from the air above him and bring the creature down to hold it in his hands. He was sitting on Allen's bed, like he had been doing at that particular time each night for the previous four days. His legs were pulled up to his chest and he leaned against the wall, holding the little gold golem in a way that almost looked like cradling.

"He said: _shut up. That's enough._"

"He's probably referring to you calling him by that name," Allen suggested.

Lenalee interjected, "Or maybe he doesn't like you."

"Hey…now that's just mean. I dunno why he's mad, but he's mad. That's great! I mean, well, not him being _mad_, but the fact that he's even able to be mad. Looks like improvement to me!"

"I'm sure he feels that way, Lavi."

At Allen's numb response, Lavi turned to Lenalee with his sparkling grin and pointed toward Kanda, "Hey Lenalee, why don't you take Kanda out to the garden for a lil bit. He's walking better right? I wanna talk to Allen about something right quick, and we'll be right down there."

She gave him a quizzical look and glanced between them. She wasn't nosy enough to get between something she wasn't invited in on, but she was worried about the sudden tone, and the way Allen seemed to have less enthusiasm these days. Brushing her skirt straight, she stood up and smiled. "Alright. It looks like a nice day out anyway. Kanda, would you like to go to the garden?"

There was obviously no comprehension about those words, but her tone had given the challenged man some degree of trust, and he unfolded his legs, letting Tim fly free from his grasp, making a quiet "tch" noise when it went right into his hair.

"We'll see you guys in a bit," Lenalee smile and took Kanda's arm to direct him while he coped with Timcanpy's possession of his precious head.

Allen watched them go with a small hint of longing. He wasn't longing to necessarily go with them—though he did want to—but he was longing to see two vicious eyes in protest at the concept of following along so obediently. Weeks before, Kanda would have waved them off and dismissed them as annoying pests. He would have then stalked off to his room or to the training room to meditate. Now, he'd spent several days in Allen's room. He'd slept those nights in Allen's bed. Not a single threatening glance came his way either.

Once, Allen had even shared his bed with the man. He didn't even get kicked. It was almost suffocatingly disappointing, which was ironic. All he'd wanted was Kanda's approval, and when he finally had complacency and decency between them…he wanted all the abuse back.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Lavi's voice cut until his subconscious like a knife. It shattered his bubble of silence and caused him to face the truth he knew he'd been keeping at an arm's length. Lavi had warned him that it could end up differently than he wanted. He knew that. He knew it painfully so, but even still…he wanted to try his damnedest for Kanda. Even if the man didn't have a clue. Even if it could end in them returning to their hate and be hated way of existing.

"Yeah…I'll be fine," he replied, forcing that smile to his face.

"No you're not."

Allen made no movement to protest, he knew that Lavi would see right through him. Lavi wasn't the fool he acted like. Those eyes were capable of picking up a latex face like his. The mask he'd stretched over his skin didn't work on everyone. "I will be though."

The redhead pulled his chair closer and leaned on the back of it. "Will you though? You've been eating less. You've been more quite. All you've been doing is taking care of Yuu."

"I want him to get better. I have to be patient. He's recognizing stuff now, right? That's a sign that he's just taking his time…"

"Allen, listen to you. You sound like a person who's in denial. You need some time away from him. Three straight weeks isn't healthy."

"Lavi, stop lecturing me. I'll get him back. I can hear people giving up on him. Whispers in the hall travel further than people think. They believe he's gone and it looks like he is. It really does. But I won't give up on him. I am not letting go." Allen shook his head and buried it in his arms.

"You love him, don't you?"

He didn't move. He didn't sit up. He didn't breathe either. Those words might have fluttered across his mind a time or two, even before the incident; but he was never one to believe he was capable of it. Kanda didn't appear to be too keen on the concept surrounding that four letter word either. Both of them were stuck in a suffocating darkness that locked them out from believing they even had a right to think about it. "I don't know. I just want him better. I close my eyes…and all I see is his body…blood...and gray matter. If he doesn't come out of this, then you were right. It's no different than if he'd just died right there."

"Hey…I'm not telling you to give up on him. But, just be careful. You're so focused on everyone else, that you're forgetting you. Your heart is being crushed by every failure. Every time he fails to be Yuu, your heart is shredding. If you can't handle it, let me take over. He fights me, but at I can handle him."

Allen shook his head voraciously, "No. I said I'd do this. And I'll be the one to do it. He wouldn't want to be tossed around between people because he's a burden. He hates being forced to lean on people to begin with."

"But isn't he being a burden to you?"

"No. He's not a burden. It's just hard to think about him then and now. I want so bad to hear him called me a beansprout…I want him to pick a stupid fight with me. I want him to look at me like he could set me on fire. At least that was alive. That was passionate. That was Kanda."

"That was the person you miss."

"Yes!" He let out a sigh and sucked in a breath, "I do miss him. Stupidly so. He'll make fun of me and call me weak for letting something that happened to him stop me in my tracks…But at least he'll be able to look me in the face and recognize me. Now I'm a stranger to him. I am a face he's never seen. He doesn't care that I was cursed, because his mind hasn't gathered what being cursed means yet. Don't get me wrong, he's still as defiant and pigheaded as ever, but he's only that way right now because he's being catered to, not because he has the conscious option to be."

The listener sat back and clapped his hands down on his knees before standing in front of the younger, white-haired boy, "Well, Allen…I'm here to help you, if you need it. I care about Yuu, but I also know that if you get too attached and something goes wrong… the pieces will be impossible to put back into the mirror right. Don't let yourself so open that you can't see the reflection."

"I know Lavi, I know."

There was a small knocking sound that caught Allen's ear and he looked toward the door to see his little golden golem tapping into the door. He appeared to have been deposited on the side that Kanda wasn't on. Either it was a conscious thought to get Tim out of his hair—literally—or he'd accidentally left the golem in the room and they'd closed the door before it could catch up. Though, he could have sworn he'd watched Timcanpy go out with them.

In fact, he was sure of it.

"Timcanpy. How'd you get back here?"

The golem floated around his head before nesting on his head, and Lavi chuckled. "Maybe Yuu hurt his feelings."

"He was Master's golem, so he'd gotta be more resilient than that," Allen let off a small smile and poked Tim. _Kanda likes to poke Tim, _he thought and his chest tightened again. _This is almost unbearable. _

Timcanpy faced the door. His eyeless body almost seemed to be watching it as if someone would walk through, but no one did. Several moments passed and Allen stared out the window. He wanted to give Kanda and Lenalee some time in the garden alone before he went and joined them. She seemed to comfort him in a slightly different manner than he did. There was a sisterly aura around Lenalee that he couldn't explain, but he knew it was something that the temporarily challenged man could feel.

Temporarily, he hoped.

Allen remained completely oblivious to what Timcanpy continued to sense beyond the door. Pressed against the slatted, heavy wood was the man haunting Allen's mind. His cheek pressed to the door and he stared into nothingness, he had just been listening to the words they had spoken. He understood them, but didn't at the same time. There was a heavy feeling in his chest that he didn't know. He didn't understand.

With Tim on the other side of the door, he had nothing to distract this feeling. It was a burning, lingering prickling that invaded his senses and threw him into the migraine inducing flurry of questions.

Who was this person who had been caring for him?

Why was he so adamant on caring for him?

And why did he want to hear earnest happiness come from the white-haired person's lips. It was like the voice and face didn't match and the disequilibrium was upsetting, unnerving…and unnatural.

But then, wasn't everything about him unnatural too? He didn't know. He could understand bits and pieces. He could speak in a language, but the thoughts and words were hindered by his lack of understanding everything as one piece. He could blurt phrases and bits of things he thought he once knew, but ultimately…he couldn't focus an original thought without everything hurting.

Thinking was too hard. His eyes drifted closed and he felt Lenalee's presence near him again. Those eyes didn't bother to open. That girl had left his side because she saw that man with the gray mop of hair across the walk. It seemed like she was a distraction to keep that man out of his hair.

He'd been left to hear the words beyond the door, wondering why Timcanpy had fizzled himself under the door crack.

"Sorry, Kanda, it looks like Tiedoll is still looking around for you, I think he's worried. We should tell Allen and Lavi. So we can figure out what to do." Her words came out like a jumbled cluster of vowels and consonants. He didn't understand. He didn't care. He just decidedly didn't want to see that person's polyurethane smile, strong and unbreakable…but moldable to a maddeningly convincing lie.

He didn't like this Allen Walker. Somewhere in the core of his mind, he thought it was all wrong.

**To Be Continued… **

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><p><em>AN: Skipped a day because of a headache caused by a nice concussion. I'm the dumbest guy on the planet to be unable to operate a 4 foot ladder like that._

_corrodedstar: I'm glad you think I'm not moving too fast. I wanted to press the timeline each chapter to accentuate the importance to everything, but without boring you guys. I can't really see stripping Kanda of his dignity, I almost feel like it's inborn to him. _

_Thank you, everyone else for the reviews! It makes me happy to see opinions. _


	7. Heartbeat

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Seven<em>

The air felt thick, hot and uncomfortable. There was something suffocating in the way the moisture clung to his skin. Heat trickled up his spine like a fire dancing through his veins. Breathing seemed to become a chore, as if there were bricks pressing insistently into his chest. He sucked in a breath and panted it out, staring into darkness. Endless darkness met him and a tremble snaked into his limbs. He felt momentarily paralyzed, on the border of sleep and reality. Forcing his eyes open, he pushed out the haze of tiredness that wanted to take him back in.

The darkness took a moment to accept him and his vision slowly came back to him. Slow breaths created a steady rhythm, dropping his pounding heart-rate back to normal. Two silver eyes watched the ceiling, sweat forming over his brow. The room wasn't as hot as he felt, but the air was unmoving and he felt like he was sinking.

Perhaps he was sinking. His mind was heavy with the things he wished he was capable of. Allen Walker loved people. He wanted to protect them. He wanted to save the lost souls of the people that couldn't be protected. Yet…he was failing his own desires to protect something more basic. He was failing to protect his own heart. Hours slipped away, days…a month. All he'd accomplished was to create vulnerability in himself. He cared too much, didn't he?

A soft breath escaped into the air.

It took a moment for the snowy-haired boy to realize that wasn't his breath…and the pressure on his chest wasn't just his dream creeping into reality. He lifted his head up just enough to peer down his front, his silver eyes connected to a pair of dark ones that were watching him intently.

He almost jumped at the sight of them. In his haze, he'd been vaguely aware of another presence in the room, but he hadn't realized the space closed so drastically. That familiar dark mop of hair splayed out to cover his torso, running back up over the man's shoulder. Against Allen's chest, Kanda had his ear pressed; like he was listening. Listening to the steady thump of Allen's heart. Curled under Kanda's chin—close up to his neck—rested Timcanpy. The little golden tail of the golem had wrapped itself around Kanda's wrist, the wrist connected to the hand pressed just above his heart.

That warmth flooded back into his veins and he felt like he was transparent. Those eyes seemed to be able to stare into him like he was a pressed open book, complete with blueprints to his every thought. He knew that wasn't probable, since Kanda's ability to make deeper connections was still very much splintered. Yet, he felt like he was looking into a familiar face. Those eyes looked reminiscent of the same cold ones that glared him down needlessly.

"Kanda…" He breathed without meaning to. He wondered what thoughts were going through him. He didn't recognize him, or he would never have remained where he was. Did the sound of his heartbeat ease him?

A quiet whisper filled the interior of Allen's room, "Shitsurei shimashita."

That feeling of heaviness pressed back into him. He wished he understood what that meant. He would have to ask Lavi, if he could even remember the words that were spoken in a language that felt alien on his tongue.

Movement caused him to stir, leaning up a bit when the weight lifted from his chest. Without a word, he watched the other occupant of his room crawl from the place he'd been to stand beside the bed. Those tantalizing eyes were directed out the window as the moonlight splashed in over his form. His mouth opened, wavering before fumbling over sounds and meanings he wasn't sure he really recognized. "I…ca…n…t….re…mem…ber."

Allen sat up, his eyes widening and watching the figure in his surprise. There was no doubt that the stretched syllables had formed English words. He'd heard them as though they'd been screamed into his ears. He couldn't remember, but he _was_ remembering without even knowing.

A glint of light passing down Kanda's face brought Allen's attention. His feet touched the floor and he sat at the edge of the bed, watching the one drenched in the open moonlight. Kanda's eyes refused to meet Allen's, but the younger one was no mistaking what he was seeing. Another drop of liquid spilled down the pale skin, curling under his strong jaw, losing its hold and falling into the fabric of his sleep shirt. Those eyes kept focused on the moon above, staring almost hypnotized and vacant.

Small pieces of Allen cracked and crumbled into a mess at the foot of his bed. There was pain in those eyes. Frustration of knowing nothing, but feeling like you should know everything. Allen couldn't even begin to imagine that feeling. He couldn't even try to put himself in Kanda's shoes.

"I…I want to help you so much, Kanda. Even if you can't understand me…I'll talk anyway. Because this is hard. They're giving up on you. Even…even Lavi sounds like he's preparing himself to have to put you in the past. I don't…I don't want that. It's not right…it's not fair. You fight and nothing else, so I can't believe you'd let this go. I'll be here as long as it takes," his fingers tightened in the rustled sheets of his bed.

"A…arigato, Allen-san."

It shot like lightning through his body. His name off those lips was something he'd wanted to hear in the past, but now…he knew it wasn't in a circumstance he'd ever have wanted. "I know you're just repeating phrases and names you've heard. The you that's hiding in there would never call me by my name…But thank you anyway."

Timcanpy floated around Kanda, his wings flapping him back and forth. Kanda lifted a hand in front of him that Tim casually plopped down on, the golden tail flicking the blackish beads on his bracelet. "Tim…can..py," he said softly.

Allen found himself just watching. His little golem had created something between it and Kanda. A thought crossed his mind and he leaned a bit to survey every action between them. His mind settled back to his Master's strange appearance…assuming he wasn't actually hallucinating. There had to have been a reason for it, but what, he'd yet to truly figure out.

Kanda turned back to him and moved closer, carrying Timcanpy. The long-haired man kneeled down on the floor in front of him, watching him. It was like his eyes could see his soul in the same manner he could see the Akuma soul. A shiver inched up his spine and he bit his lip. That face before him was gorgeous and he didn't know how to look at him without that awkward section of his brain flaring up. Lavi had hit him in a sweet spot with his question that day.

Love was a stupid, stupid emotion. Never in his life did he want to feel this way and be so tied down by all the chains of confusion like he was. He didn't want to have the vulnerability he felt when Kanda's ear had pressed so intimately against his chest. His past acquaintances with that emotion had left him cold inside.

The warmth seeped back into his body, sitting there…stunned. Kanda's head pressed back into his shirt, ear to his chest. He was kneeled in between his knees, listening to the pounding of his blood, hot in his arteries.

"You….I….I…knew…y..ou."

Allen's heart thumped harder and he felt emotions well up in him until they spilled over and he couldn't contain them. The clear focus he had on the body before him blurred until it was a moving shape. He resisted the overwhelming desire to pull that body into an embrace and never let it go, but he knew that wasn't his style. Despite the words falling from those lips, the aura around Kanda remained strong. His mind had a veil over it, but his body remembered his patterns.

In the way he'd removed Timcanpy from his head…in the way he'd clutched Mugen when he was given it to perhaps stir up memories…his stubbornness to walk by himself…his tone—short and to the point…everything about his every aura screamed "Kanda". He just needed his mind.

The memories of that body remembered that heartbeat.

Kanda felt it against his ear and something in him fluttered alive with a sense of déjà vu. He only knew the name because of the red-headed moron who had seemed to equate him to a child. He only knew "Allen". But that wasn't all. His brain hurt with every flustered thought he tried to force. Grinding his teeth, he shut his eyes. He wanted to think. He wanted the thoughts teetering on the tip of his mind to spill over, but all he could come up with was a black abyss of things that didn't make sense.

That blackness seemed welcoming and accompanied by the steady beats. He wanted to think…but he didn't want to think any more. His grip on Tim loosened until the golem was able to freely hop up the length of his arm and regain his position on the left shoulder.

He was blissfully oblivious to the arms that picked up him and moved him. He was oblivious to the sheets that were pulled over his body. He was oblivious to the body that moved to leave the room while he was tucked away outside of consciousness.

He was oblivious to the tear filled eyes that watched him sleep.

Allen tore his eyes away from the sleeping person in his bed and exited the room. He shut the door as quietly as he possible could, the turned and leaned against the hard brick wall, trying to collect himself. He panted in breaths like they were being torn away from him.

Standing against that brick wall—reflecting—he felt a small sparkle of hope drown out the negativity in his mind. No. It wasn't Kanda as he knew him. He didn't call him beansprout. There was no sword pointed dangerously close to his vital organs. But there was a shadow of a person in that room, slowly coming into the light.

Wiping his face, he felt the corners of his mouth tug into a smile. Not a hallow shell of a smile…but a real smile. It spread into him, the same fiery feeling as before he woke up and he was suffocating in the darkness. Except, this was a pleasant feeling. This was hope.

"Allen?"

A shadow cast over him, blocking the lights of the walk path. Allen looked up to see a familiar face with an eye patch. "Lavi."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I am."

Two arms folded in a pose of curiosity at the strange behavior being displayed by the other—at two in the morning and in the hallway, no less. "Are you sure? You're not dreaming are you?"

"Nope. I just needed some fresh air. Kanda took over the bed and about suffocated me."

One green eye blinked, "He's in your room? In your bed?"

"Yeah," Allen stated, casting a glance off to the side lightheartedly, "He's spent the last week in there with me. I usually bring him to my room after everyone is asleep. I'm afraid to leave him in there with Tiedoll stalking around. I don't know how he'd respond to a man coming into his room in the morning and acting like his 'father'. You know?"

"Wow, you're sleeping in the same bed?"

"It's completely innocent, Lavi. Head out of the gutter, please."

"I…well…it's just…Kanda and…you. In one bed. Seems like one of those pictures that doesn't exactly fit right in my head, you know…" He trailed off and then hesitated for a moment. "Wait, why are you in such a good mood? Are you telling me the truth about it being inno-"

"**Yes, Lavi.** I'm just…feeling more confident than I was. He spoke to me. Directly to me."

"In English?"

"In English. Well, broken English, but it was understandable nonetheless. He told me he can't remember. He knows he had memories. He's not empty. He knows that he knew me. Maybe not who I am, but he feels it. I will bring him back."

A twitch pulled Lavi's smile a little wider and his gaze softened, "I believe in ya, Allen. If there's anyone out there who could. It's probably you."

"Thank you. I will make sure this ends well. And when I see Tyki again, I'll give him the stomping of his life. I will make him suffer what he made Kanda suffer. Somehow. Someway. And when the time comes, Kanda can help me."

_Because that time will come. _

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: A little more interaction. Kanda has no problem threateningly getting up in beansprout's business, so I figured if he wasn't fully aware, that he wouldn't be any better with boundaries. The Kanda Way: Action first, talking later. _

_Thank you for the amazing reviews! I'm going to enjoy some of the upcoming chapters very much. I missed a day again because I was painting a Kanda pic. So I may end up making it an every other day thing when I work on that picture. _

_To answer someone: Yes, I'm a dude. _


	8. Eyes

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Eight<em>

There was one green eye peering at him, as if inspecting some deeper detail. It was disconcerting, because—unlike the one with the silver eyes—this one didn't seem to have the same softness. The silver eyes he'd gotten used to seeing were full of something tender that he couldn't describe…but it was something that seemed only present in that person. Actually, it seemed only present when those eyes fell on him. Trying to make sense of it was just another migraine inducing task that he avoided when the pain swelled in his tired brain.

"He's definitely more alert," he owner of the green eye affirmed, moving a hand to prod his cheek. He felt a tinge of something he couldn't describe. It was a darker, less complex emotion and more along the lines of instinct, he imagined. His hand flew out to grab the prodding finger and bend it dangerously back. "Muah! Hey hey hey! O wow ow! Okay, I'm done, be nice! No hurting the Lavi!"

"Well, you shouldn't put your hand in his face, Lavi. That's like sticking your head in a lion's mouth. It's not a good idea…" Allen made a sour face, "Trust me."

"Besides, I don't think he's as blank as before. He can speak more now. And he's walking and everything so much better," Lenalee smiled and finished tying a new wrap into Kanda's hair. "I think we're just waiting on his memories."

"He still sleeps in Allen's room," Lavi blurted with a childish pout.

"**Lavi!**"

"What? You said it was innocent, so there's nothing to be ashamed of! You just happen to like sleeping with Yu!"

Lenalee looked cautiously over to Allen, a tinge of pink in her cheeks. "It is innocent, right?"

"Oh Lenalee, not you too!" Allen groaned and hung his head. "He just seems to sleep better when he's with me."

"Your excuse last time was Tiedoll, Allen."

"It wasn't an excuse, it's the reason. Tiedoll is a great guy, but if there are no memories of the man, he may cause Kanda to clam up like with Jerry. Especially with how personal Tiedoll can get. Honestly, Lavi, I'm surprised you haven't made him curl in a ball in a corner, boiling with rage he can't exactly place."

Lenalee chuckled and straightened the long locks down Kanda's back. "I'm sure Lavi will get a swift reminder. Anyway, Allen, would you like to meditate with us today? I know you usually go eat when we do, but…I was thinking we can try to maybe get him to spar."

"Of course, Lenalee. What do you think Kanda?" Allen's eyes fell back over the dark haired man seated in front of Lenalee. His lips were slightly parted and several hitched breaths seemed to slip through. It took a moment for Allen to connect the change in his demeanor. His dark eyes were staring off at something he couldn't see, moving here and there; they were wide and almost seemed laced with what could have been bordering on panic. "Kanda?"

"F…flowers."

The girl behind him leaned closer to look at him from the side, "Flowers?"

"…Every…where." His eyes continued to move around the room, trailing over the furniture, floor…even the other occupants of the lounge. They were everywhere. They weren't stemmed flowers, but rather sat upon the surfaces at the base of the pink petals. They were still and unaffected by the environment. Despite the lack of natural light within the lounge, they were as brightly bloomed as they ever would be.

The sight of the flowers shouldn't have bothered him, but somewhere deep inside him, it filled him with a gut wrenching desire to scream. His teeth clenched together and he shut his eyes so hard he could feel the liquid drops forcing out, and dropping down against the exposed skin of his wrists. Breathing became a chore and his body filled with a swelling hot prickling that threatened to suffocate him and trigger a horrific claustrophobia he didn't know he had. He vaguely heard voices calling what he then believed was his name.

He didn't care. All he saw was that flower. One trembling hand reached out to touch the rosy petal, but there was nothing. He felt nothing but the coarse leather beneath his hand. The leather of the sofa he'd been seated on was all that was truly there.

Yet, that flower was there. It, like all the others, filled his vision until he felt sick enough to pant for breaths and curl his arms around his body. His legs tucked under him, as if by instinct and he leaned forward. There was warmth he met in doing this; another body that met his and he could only stare blankly at the person whose mouth was moving. Silver eyes poured that indescribable emotion and his mind seemed to overflow with too many things to categorize at once.

"Iie…Ii…N…No."

His own voice fell deaf to his ears. His brain screamed at the turmoil cascading down on him, blooming a memory that he was now sure he didn't miss at all. That flower…It was important to him and yet, it filled him with so much dread. It filled him with a worthless darkness that seemed to chain him down and leave him catatonic. "I…I….don't…."

The flowers were still there. Unwavering.

"…want…to."

His eyes burned with the sight of those pink petals.

"…remember…"

"Kanda!" A female voice cut into the darkness, but was quickly drowned out by the deafening silence of his illusion. His mind was swimming in things he didn't want to face. A flower.

"What's he talking about Flowers?" The redhead's voice cut in like a far away echo and his hands clamped over his ears to stop the echo. He pressed his palms against his head, curling his body tight, hiding from something the others couldn't see.

Lavi leaned in closer to the trembling body that had attained fetal position against Allen. His muscles were rippling through his arms and his fingers twitched at the pressure against his ears. Spots of red appeared in his vision and his single eye widened, "holy…Allen, he's crushing his head! He have to get his hands away from his head!"

Without another word between them, both boys hurriedly snatched each hand and pulled them each in different directions at the loud protest of the owner of those hands. Lavi pulled the arm he'd taken back and forced it behind Kanda's back, keeping the man at bay while he turn his head to check his ears. "Damnit, he's bleeding from this ear."

A concerned grunt left the other boy, "this one too. What…what happened just now?"

With a shake of his head, Lavi replied, "I don't know. All I know is that it wasn't a good thing. Lenalee, can you go grab a couple wet clothes?" His green eye blinked seriously at her, and she nodded her response before quickly leaving the lounge.

Allen's soft voice spoke close to the man's bleeding ear, "Kanda, can you hear me?" He had to try to calm him down. None of them exactly knew what was going on in his head, but he needed to at least try and get him cooled down enough that they could perhaps lay him down and clean out his ears. "You're okay. Whatever you're seeing that we can't, it's a memory. It's not here right now. You're only here with me, Lavi and Lenalee."

Words. Kanda heard many words flooding his senses, but the flowers didn't go away. The suffocating silence was quenched with voices. But those flowers…they remained in his vision until he felt an emotion welling up so deep in his gut he wanted to lash out. This…hatred sent trembles across his body and he vaguely felt the pressure of Lavi pressing his own arm his into his back. The other was in his snowy-haired companion's grasp. The younger boy's pale fingers were laced with his, warm and close. It was a strange and soothing gesture that took the punch out of the illusion that was making his mind collapse in a heap of confusion and turmoil.

"We're not going anywhere, okay? Close your eyes and rest for a minute."

If he closed his eyes, would the illusion go away? He hid his face into Allen's shoulder, eyes shut as a result of pressing close. Darkness enveloped his senses and he breathed quietly, his arms freed and hanging at his sides. He didn't want to see them anymore. Nothing made sense, and a strange sense of self loathing welled up in him at his own actions. This display felt unnatural and weak. He felt weak. The illusion of a plant he couldn't even name had him in such a state of disorder. Unfamiliar tears welled up in his eyes and he hitched his breath to fight them back. It was frustrating. A sense of helplessness dragged him in on himself and he didn't even have the desire to move or think.

He liked it better when he didn't think.

A cool wet sensation at his ear brought him from the numb disorientation. His eyes opened a little, but snapped back closed the second his brain registered those pink abominations. Turning his head, he gave weak protest to the man named Lavi. The abrasive cloth pressed to his ear was annoying and unnatural. He didn't want Lavi's presence like he did Allen's. Lavi didn't have the same touch. Lavi didn't have the same eyes.

Lavi didn't connect with him the way he suspected Allen had once before.

Teeth gritted at the agitated movement of his jaw and he pushed Lavi from his hurting ear. He felt dull pain all the way to his skull, it seemed. It was receding as the moments passed, but the ringing remained and a lingering pain swelled in his brain.

"I'll get this, Lavi."

It was that soft voice again. The voice was full of concern for everyone. In topics he couldn't even register, he'd heard that tone. How could this boy care about someone who didn't even know who he was? How could this boy selflessly and openly show his affection for those around him without feeling so naked? Kanda couldn't even ask for help without every sense alive in him telling him it wasn't right.

He couldn't even let Lavi help him, even when he'd clearly been incapable of helping himself. Was that why he let the other boy help him? Because that boy was practically a saint and he had this deep unbreakable feeling that he was some kind of monster.

He didn't know.

He didn't know _anything._

All he knew was that he saw flowers everywhere and no matter how many times he closed his eyes and opened them again, they would not go away. They were there in his vision to stay. As long as his eyes were closed, he didn't have to think about it. And as long as that gentle voice spoke to him, he didn't have to die on the inside anymore than he already felt he was.

"I think he's calmed down. I got his ears cleaned out, but who knows what damage he actually did in there. He needs to heal for a bit," Allen slid from Kanda and carefully drew him back to lay him on the sofa. Perhaps he'd been pushed too hard, too soon. Kanda's mind wasn't a simple thing at all and they all were fully aware of that. Allen sat back and looked him over, trying not to let the swelling in his chest overcome him. Perhaps he needed a good meal, bath and sleep. They could call it a day and start over fresh the next morning.

Those dark eyes cracked open to see the white mop of hair moving out of his range of view and a momentary impulse caused a hand to grip Allen's sleeve. The owner of that sleeve looked back at him with eyes widened slightly and lips parted in surprise.

"K…kanda?"

"D…on't…leave."

Everything felt heavy the moment the words left his lips. He struggled to keep his eyes open, but found he was failing the fight and he let them slip. The last thing in his vision was those silver eyes.

Not a flower.

Not the color pink.

But that strange boy's eyes.

_Please, don't go. _

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: I've been waiting a while to get to this one. And I enjoyed every second of it. In regards to someone's review, don't worry, I have plans with Tiedoll, but I need to wait on it. I love Tiedoll, he's such a trip. _

_Thank you for the reviews, pop me one and tell me how you liked, hated, or wanted to kill it!_


	9. Garden

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Nine<em>

Tangled in sheets, Allen Walker woke up to the light pouring into his room. The sun rays were softened by the glass in his window and he let out a small yawn as he stirred to life, body itching to stretch out in preparation for the day. He rolled over, jerking back as a little ball of motion moved under him. "Timcanpy, I told you I'd roll over you if you sat there." Another yawn escaped and he turned his body to the other form in his bed, tucked against the wall.

"Kanda, it's time to get up."

An unpleased noise came from that direction and Allen couldn't help a chuckle. His fingers wrapped around Timcanpy and he leaned back to drop the golem in Kanda's personal space. "Come on. Get up time."

Timcanpy hopped around on Kanda's shoulder until a hand flew out and took him by the wings. Tim disappeared under the man's body, curled against him in something that Allen was almost brave enough to call…cuddling. _Poor Tim_, he thought, dressing himself while the other body remained in the sleep position.

He pressed the last buttons into place and glanced back over the tousled black hair that seemed to infect his bed, splayed out in every direction possible. It seemed like he was in a peaceful sleep for once and he just couldn't bring himself to wake him up. Timcanpy was with him, so he felt a little better with the idea of leaving him for a few hours at least. That, and he was able to move around without much need for help. "BaKanda, I'm going to see Komui. If you can hear me, I'll be back."

Shuffling and a quiet grunt was all he had returned. He took that as an affirmative and smiled as he backed out of the room.

"…hrm..Al..ma…"

Allen paused and waited to see if Kanda was actually stirring or talking in his sleep. He wasn't sure what he'd just said. It could have been another language or perhaps a name, but when no more motion was made nor sounds escaped his lips, Allen felt content that he had just slipped random sounds. "Sleep well," he whispered, "keep an eye on him, Timcanpy." Without anything further, he slipped out the door and shut it softly.

"Hi Allen!"

The voice that exploded in his ear almost made him jump several feet. He spun on his heels and was met by two pretty eyes and a smile that could sway most men. "Oh…Lenalee…you scared me."

"I'm sorry. I saw you coming out and just reacted. Where's Kanda?" Her eyes glanced around until they met back to where he was, straightening himself.

"He's still in my room, sleeping. Tim is with him, so I didn't think it could hurt to let him sleep. Komui wanted to talk to me anyway, so by the time I get back, I can probably get him out of bed."

"He's usually the first awake." There was a clear hint of concern in her tone and she stepped into pace with him—walking toward her brother's office.

"Yeah. But he needs the sleep. And it shouldn't bother him that I'm not there for a little while. He'll probably get back to sleeping in his room soon anyway." He stated plainly and two soft eyes looked over him. He could almost feel the weight of her glance. She was staring right down to his core and it made him shift his walk a little, sudden uneasiness trickling down his spine.

"Are you going to be okay with that, Allen?"

"What do you mean?" He knew he shouldn't have even let the question spill out of his mouth. He knew exactly what she meant, and he really didn't want to have it worded back to him in such plain English. That was a trap he'd accidentally laid himself down in and handed her the switch.

"I mean with Kanda. He's been sleeping in your room with you for weeks now. When he's gone, are you going to be oka-"

"Yeah! I mean, come on. What would I want to sleep with him without a reason for? It's BaKanda. He's coming along quicker now. He'll be back to his murderous ways in no time." An extremely false laugh came out of its own accord.

"You're a terrible actor for someone who was a travelling entertainer."

"I'm serious. I'll be okay. It's just a recovery period for him."

"Allen, I'm worried about y-"

The silver haired boy cut her off by opening the door to her brother's office. He couldn't listen to her pick his feeling out and hand them back to him like they were neatly ordered and labeled with documented photographic evidence attached. It had become hard enough trying to convince himself that nothing would have changed once they returned to their normal setting, with Kanda back to being Kanda. He was adamantly trying to ignore the little turning in his gut at the idea of waking alone in his bed again.

"Oh there you are Allen."

Well, this was unusual, Komui was present and awake… "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes…I have a mission I need to send you on, Allen."

"A…mission?" A little spot of dread coiled in his throat. A mission meant that he would have to be away from the headquarters. That meant he would have to be away from Kanda for days…possibly even weeks. The very idea of that made him want to back away and say no repeatedly. It was a promise he'd made. He said he'd be there to make him better.

"It's a close mission, that's why I'm sending you. I know you want to help your fellow exorcist, but if we don't get you out on at least a mission for the time being, Central will start to suspect something. The mission I wish to send you on will benefit from your eye anyway. They can't seem to locate the Akuma in the area. It's small town called Lancaster."

"Oh, that's really close. That's only like a four or five hour trip there by train." The dread that swelled in his chest lessened a little.

"Yes, but you'll probably need to stay there for some time. The Akuma is a higher level and it's possible it's trying to hide and wait until we're not paying attention. None of our exorcists can actually find it. It's not coming out directly to attack."

"That could mean there's a Noah present…"

"Precisely. I want you to be very careful when you're there. Lenalee and Lavi will both be going with you, because I want a quick return for all three of you."

All his mind could think of the entire time was one thing. "What am I supposed to do with Kanda? I can't just leave him alone. Sure, he can get around on his own, but socially he's a recluse. I don't know if he'd come out of m….the room if none of us are around him."

"I'll have Marie watch over him while you are on your mission. From what Lavi's told me, he's been sleeping in your room, Allen?" Komui's dark eyes met evenly with his and he felt that familiar knife of inspection burrowing into him again. It had to be a sibling skill, one that perhaps Komui used a bit less than Lenalee, but one of those skills nonetheless.

"Yes. If I leave him in his room, he doesn't sleep now. It's been like that ever since I hid him in my room when Tiedoll came around. "

Komui leaned forward a bit, fidgeting with his hands briefly while attempting to collect his thoughts in the easiest way to present them. "About that. Tiedoll left yesterday, he'll be back in a few days—I believe he said. I also spoke to some of the other members of the Asian branch. Primarily those who were responsible for Kanda before he was transferred into Tiedoll's care. Zu Mei Chang told me that it will get worse before it gets better with his memories. That's why I want you guys to go quickly and get back so that you can stay with him. I'm afraid I can't even get close to him without him shutting me out, but you already know that. He only really trusts the three of you."

"And even then, brother, he doesn't really let Lavi that close to him either. He gravitates to Allen."

"That is unusual…But this just means you'll have to be swift. Marie can handle Kanda and all of his conniption fits, but I'd like to keep the stress on him down. At some point I need to get him to Hevlaska and see if he's even able to invoke his Innocence. Mugen has shown no activity at all, even while he's held it. I was under the impression that the Innocence simply requires the person who can wield it, but I'm starting to think that he needs to be mentally and spiritually connected and he's clearly not yet."

Allen nodded, "We can bring him down there to her when we return then. When do we leave?"

"Now, if you can. The trains to Lancaster are scheduled to leave in two hours. I'm sure you can get your stuff together and leave by then."

The sound of foot steps alerted Allen to another presence in Komui's office. He turned to see the large, blind man behind him. Marie was a very unusual man, but Allen really liked him. He was huge and perhaps even a little frightening until it was realized he was really just a gentle giant until he needed to fight. He was an extraordinary listener, of course and at some point, Allen wanted to talk to him more. "Hi Marie."

"Hello Allen."

"Marie, I'm going to leave Kanda's care with you until Allen returns. I'm sorry to push babysitting on you, but he's hardly going to be drawing on the walls or eating dirt. I'm sure he'll cause you no grief. Allen might have a few pointers to help you, if you wish to discuss the details. Both of you should hurry along."

"Thank you brother," Lenalee said in a polite bow before turning to face Allen, "I'm going to go get Lavi and get him briefed on this. I'll meet with you at the port, so we can get to the train quickly." She took his nod as an affirmative and tucked away the book reports her brother had handed her during the discussion. She left the three men alone and headed out to find Lavi. Little parts of her were ticking with concern. It was important to keep herself out of Allen's personal business, but at the same time…it was hurting her to see him so in denial. He wasn't going to be as okay as he said and she could tell that already. She would simply have to wait until she could get Allen alone and in a situation where he couldn't escape her.

Allen watched her go, following suit with Marie in leaving Komui's office. He let out a sigh of relief at Lenalee's absence that didn't escape Marie's exceptional hearing, "Something's bothering you."

The silver haired boy flinched at the sudden voice, "No, I'm fine. I'm just…tired."

"You're concerned for Kanda, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah. I never thought I would see him like this. It's…disheartening. It's like watching a warrior lose his legs. He'll get them back, but it seems like it's a giant puzzle with blank pieces. He's not talking to anyone about much. Even me. I know he can talk and he can understand the words, but he won't tell us what he's suffering. I don't know how to help him when he's losing himself."

"That's just how he is. That you are even there for him is probably enough. That's probably why he's taken focus on you, Allen. I've seen him a few times since the return, but he's different with me than you."

They walked slowly back to where Allen would pick up his things to leave for the mission he didn't really want to embark on. His thoughts were constantly on Kanda. Sure, he'd thought that Kanda was being very picky in who even came near him; but he'd never really thought _that _much about how much Kanda was particular to him. Well, he did consider it, but Lenalee also let him close to him.

Then again, he'd completely taken for granted the fact that the man who threatened his life once, slept in his bed next to him.

He didn't know what to think anymore.

"He likes the garden," Allen declared suddenly, trying to keep his mind from thinking too hard about the black haired exorcist in his bed. "I'm sure he'd be content if you went with him later. The flowers seem to be wilting and weeds are growing in, but he really enjoys meditating out there."

"Hah, yes. The garden needs some sprucing up a bit, I imagine. Its tender has been out of commission for a while."

Allen cast a glance at him out of instinct, he knew the man couldn't see him, but it was just a reaction he had when engaged in discussion with others. "Oh? I've always wondered. Who takes care of the garden?"

A smile came to the large man and he answered simply, "Kanda."

Two black boots came to a stop, falling behind Marie. Allen's mind quickly shot back to Kanda and danced around the information he'd been fed. Kanda was the one who kept up the garden? He'd never seen him out there actively working on it before…unless he did so at night when no one was around. He could picture the sour man doing it like that. The idea of that garden being Kanda's, made it feel a little more special to him. It felt weird even thinking that, but he couldn't deny it made the little manicured plot of land matter more.

He picked back up behind Marie with things floating through his mind. That had meant that Kanda's liking for the garden wasn't just a random fondness. He'd been in there—in his mind—in some degree for longer than they'd really realized.

_We'll get you back before the flowers die, Kanda…I promise_, he thought, heading toward his next destination.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Transition chapter. The next ones will be much better. I have many things I want to do with this. It's going to take a while to finish. So I hope you enjoy the ride.  
><em>

_Thanks for the wonderful reviews on the last one. That chapter was probably my best yet. _


	10. Red

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Ten<em>

Timcanpy hopped across the table in front of his temporary keeper. The little golden wings pushed his body along and seemingly created a sort of back and forth pacing that only that particular golem could manage to do without looking broken. The golem had kept close to Kanda, as instructed by Allen. It followed the dark haired man who seemed to go no where even when he moved to difference places. The listless wandering of his new master had the little golden ball mimicking the movements.

A finger pressed down on Timcanpy and it stopped moving, like it'd been squished in place. That finger belonged to the Japanese man that had no desire to keep his mind occupied and—instead—chose to torture the golem. He sat beside Marie in a far corner of the cafeteria. His back faced the other occupants of the dining area and he had no intention of making it look like he noticed anything else that would cause him to turn. The pink flowers scattered everywhere—yet nonexistent—had caused him an inability to face large open spaces without being overwhelmed and sent into suffocating anxiety.

Lately, all he could think about was a young face and the name Alma. He bit the side of his mouth to make the thoughts go away. Flashes of the past crept in and all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep. As the flashes got longer, they grew darker and carried and eerie tinge of red that threatened to make him wretch.

The space between he and Marie had all but closed and if it bothered Marie, he didn't make any indication. Kanda's capacity of memory was obviously expanding, but he most of what he was currently aware of were abstract ideas and a few flashes of people…but one thing he did clearly remember was Marie. He'd saved the man sitting so close next to him. That man was who was keeping him from curling in on himself and hiding in Allen's room until the white haired boy returned. He could call that man his _friend_.

"You haven't eaten anything, Kanda."

"I'm not hungry," he muttered at the blind man's 'observation'. There was no doubt that Marie knew Kanda's usual patterns of acting if he could tell that he had yet to take a single bite of his food without being able to even see.

"You haven't eaten since they left."

"I'll manage."

Timcanpy fluttered under his tyrant-like finger and weakly snapped his jaws at the offending digit, but simply couldn't reach.

"Allen is going to think I've starved you."

"I'll eat when he comes back."

A breath escaped the larger man and he simply slipped back into being a presence for Kanda. Arguing with Kanda was essentially like fist fighting a ten foot thick brick wall and he didn't exactly have knuckle guards on that day. It was one trait that he'd always known in the boy from the moment they met. His extreme level of stubbornness had saved them both a handful of times, but it seemed to work against him in emotional aspects. It wasn't easy to understand what he was suffering at this point either. He was one of the few people who knew the story behind Kanda, but he couldn't even fathom the feelings that were raging through a mind that had been essentially wiped clean.

"I'm going to take a bath." The younger man spoke quietly, but Marie heard it like it was right in his ear. There was a lonely twinge to the tone that Marie had never heard from that sultry voice. He could hear the movement of the other man—his fingers squeezing Timcanpy as he took him along with him—and the rustle of cloth that indicated he'd already made up his mind before he spoke the words.

"I will check up on you shortly."

"Thank you."

Kanda left without feeling like he was being babysat, despite the very fact that he was. He appreciated Marie's presence, but he also appreciated the ability of free movement. That Marie would eventually go to find him, suited him better than if he was forced to be led everywhere personally.

There was a strangely upsetting feeling that had started when the white haired boy left for his mission. He'd been awake long enough to find out he was leaving and then he was gone. Kanda had curled back into Allen's bed, fully intent on simply fusing with it until the familiar face returned.

That was—of course—until Marie had entered and told him that he was going to watch over him…That Allen wanted to leave so fast because he wanted to return quickly. It made him feel a bit better that the owner of the room he seemed to live in had a desire to return quickly.

Two days passed and that anxiousness trickled in more. Marie's was the only face he was familiar with, but it lacked the eyes that kept him calm. He missed silver eyes that held the whole world worth of love in them. Love for anything that moved. Love for some things that didn't. And concern for him…Concern for him, despite Kanda himself knowing that he had to be a terrible person to feel the way he was and to see the things he was seeing.

He knew he was a terrible person. He felt cold and maybe even a little dead inside. The warmth he slept next to seemed to vanish when the body did, so he was left to believe that the chilliness that he'd thought was there sometimes was actually just him.

His feet brought him back to Allen's room, where he intended to pick up his clothing for the bath. There wasn't a speck of dirt anywhere on his body, and yet, he felt horribly unclean. It was like he could feel dried, crusted blood on his hands, arms…even his face. It didn't disgust him quite like it had the first time he woke up, swearing he'd seen himself covered in blood. No matter how much he'd scrubbed, the illusion of blood had lingered until the morning. Now, all that remained of that particular feeling was the faint clotted discomfort of a dried wound.

Even though that feeling stuck to him, he knew it wasn't possible for him to really feel a wound the same way others did. He'd nicked himself on Mugen and marveled in watching the cut vanish within moments. It was incredible and horrifying at the same time. He found himself frequently digging his fingernails into his palms, just to see how long the mark could last.

Timcanpy fluttered out of his grasp and hovered around him, seemingly waiting for him to gather his things and get a move on. The little golem seemed to have a personality of his own that tended to remind Kanda of its master, the white haired saint that oozed with compassion.

Perhaps that's why he wasn't entirely too offended when the creature landed on his head and stayed there, effectively becoming his new head-pet.

"Timcanpy…" Exhaling a breath, he simply closed his eyes and took his oriental clothing from the folded pile next to Allen's. The room _felt_ like his and even though he was supposed to be in his actual room, he couldn't seem to sleep anywhere other than Allen's.

He found himself thinking more about that boy than anything else running through his mind. All of the illusions of death, blood and flowers could be drowned out by thinking of those eyes.

Mindlessly he trekked out of the room toward the communal bath. The idea of sharing with a bunch of—essentially—strangers made him uneasy and hesitant; but he found that most people used the bath during the early morning or the late evening. It was a gamble, but he'd gambled right, he noted, stepping into the bath area and looking around.

Setting his things down, he plucked Tim from his head and casually tossed the flying golden ball into the bath water. He expected Timcanpy to come flying back out and right at him. He was a warm, sopping wet ball and the first time he'd flown back at him, Kanda had been graced with a short lived bruise on his cheek from the velocity at which Tim flew into him. This time around he simply held open a towel to block the assault and subsequently capture the critter.

"That's what you get," he stated simply. He didn't bother to clarify to the golem, but he was inclined to believe Tim would infer his reference to the head-nesting thing—assuming Tim was sentient beyond the simple ingrained commands. Kanda believed there was no other way for Timcanpy to have that much personality.

Flicking the towel open, he released him—now warm and nicely dried. He didn't know if he was effectively washing Timcanpy or just toying with it. He scoffed to himself for no particular reason other than it feeling like a natural response.

He treated Alma that way.

A shiver flickered up his spine and he shook his head to clear out the thoughts of the face that was his current haunting. Blindly he stepped away from the cove-like area that stored his belongings. A sudden sharp burning sensation followed his movement and it caused a shock to his senses, starting from his foot. His eyes trailed down to the source and his vision filled with red. He felt paralyzed for several long moments before his brain could connect the red liquid seeping from his foot to the razor that had probably been dropped by someone else.

His fingers lifted the shaving razor from the floor and he looked at it. Speckles of red covered the exposed, icy looking blade and those red specks dripped back to the floor, where the rest of it pooled under the pad of his foot. He lifted his foot, already knowing the wound was closed. The wound was closed, but the damn blood remained. Was there any proof he was even human beyond the fact that the blood was outside of his body?

He had no scars. He had no wounds that stayed longer than the time it took for his body to register they were there. Even as he dragged the sharp metal along the palm of his hand, he knew it would just heal. It would vanish. The blood that haunted him in his delusions was about as real as the blood dripping down his arm to join what had already exited his body. He didn't have any open wounds, but the red covered him like a disease.

Was any of it real at all?

Could he prove he was even bleeding?

He had no idea if he was in an illusion or if he was really pressing the sharpest corner of the blade through his hand.

He could feel it. Of course he could feel it. It hurt. Sharp, twisting, human pain that seemed to splinter along his nerves until his heart was pumping to make up for the shock he was forcing his body into.

Moments, just moments, and the gaping hole he'd pressed into his hand had closed and the blood was already seeping out slower. All he was left with was the illusion. All he was left with were the memories that he—at that moment—could not discern from the reality he was in. Blood, thick and coppery, oozing from his body until he no longer felt the sting. Then it was dry, flaking on his perfect skin.

This was the horrible feeling he'd had. He wanted to wash it all away. But even if he managed to wash reality, the illusion would tattoo his body with red until he could understand the horrible loss welling up in his chest. A young face he'd known named Alma. Red. Red. Red.

Red.

That's all he knew.

His past was plagued with death and all the blood he had on his hands wasn't his own blood.

He hurts the people he cares about. That much he'd made himself painfully aware of in the moments of clashing reality and hallucinations.

The blood at his feet didn't matter to him. He was already wearing it all, even if others couldn't see it like he could. So when he sunk to the floor, and the fabric of his pants soaked the red liquid in, he simple couldn't bring himself to care.

Even as Timcanpy repeatedly prodded him in the head, he stared down at the red. "What …the fuck am I?"

The answer lingered in a newly cleared section of his mind, but he didn't want to acknowledge it was there. He didn't want to feel the searing chilliness of how bitter his soul was. He didn't want to see truth. Why would he want to remember how inhuman he was? Why would he want to remember that he wasn't a person, but simply another weapon the order created to fight until it died—no matter how long it took him to die.

His fingers curled through his hair, brushing back the strands while he cradled his head in his hands. Eyes clenched closed again and he did everything he could to keep himself from losing every thread of sanity he may or may not have had. He didn't want to go back to those memories.

He didn't want to be Kanda Yuu. He hated that person.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Poor Kanda. I'm putting him through hell. _

_To Answer a Question, I've set the timeline ambiguously for the purpose of the whole Noah/Allen thing to present itself in a sequel. With exception of minor AU elements, this will encompass most of the canon points. _

_Thanks for all your reviews! Let me know what you think!_


	11. Beauty

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Eleven<em>

Roots pulled free from the soil that housed them. Weeds were wrenched from the caresses of the earth and discarded into a pile of brother weeds that had met the same fate before them. It was a monotonous, yet soothing task that had occupied the time of the one tending to the flowers. The flowers seemed to be wilting, much to the dismay of the cool eyes that inspected them. He brought water to them and pulled the suffocating grass weeds that were taking over; but it didn't seem to help them too much. Of course, it had only been two days since he'd pulled the first weed.

Since he'd lifted that plant, he'd focused himself on that garden. The white-haired boy—that had him yearning for the warmth of another person—had yet to return, though his arrival was expected later that very evening. Their mission had apparently been more complicated than they had anticipated. That was the gamble of being an exorcist. Not that he remembered any deep details of his time as an exorcist. He could remember to the time of receiving the forged Mugen and even that had blank spots here and there. He could vaguely recall faces and experiences.

He kneeled in the garden, pausing in his work, to look out at the waters that expanded out far beyond their tower. The breeze tousled his unbound hair and he made no effort to restrain the black locks. He hated those silly strands as much as the person they were attached to. It was possible he was only feeling these things because he didn't understand everything in the expanse of the life he was reliving; but some how, he knew that it wasn't just a temporary feeling. Self loathing seemed like a shallow expression, but he was feeling that shallowness deep into his bones.

"What progress you've made, Yu."

An older voice pricked at his ears and he felt a tinge of distaste settle into his chest at the name that was used. It didn't seem to make him want to harm the older sounding man quite like he wanted to the obnoxious red-head. "Don't call me that."

"Would you mind if I painted you?"

His request to cease was obviously ignored, "Why would you wish to do that?" His eyes turned back to the gray-haired and quite scruffy looking old man. There was a canvas already under his arm, so it was clear that he was going to paint whether Kanda had actually said yes or not.

"There is beauty in everything. Soulless, dejected and wandering as you may feel—and even appear to others—you've still found a beautiful garden to call your own Eden." The legs of his easel ground into the firmly packed soil a short distance away. His paints were in a case he'd had tucked into his jacket. He'd only brought five colors. White, Black, Red, Blue and Yellow. He much preferred to take the simpler things and work them into something far more complicated and beautiful. Such was the way the world worked. The most beautiful things were constructed of the basics, but molded into puzzle of complexity that couldn't be simply painted with an array of colors. They required mixing, testing, and time to perfect the details.

"I don't like poetry," the younger man replied, but there was no bite in his response. It was simply a reaction. He made no effort to move either, choosing simply to remain there with his legs tucked under him and his oriental clothing draping down him, making him look like some kind of Japanese royalty. The wind picked his hair up and danced it around his face again. He liked the feeling of the wind. The wind felt liberating and free. He didn't understand the beauty of the world like the old fart who insisted on calling him by first name, but he understood the simple pleasures of the human relationship with nature. He was tending a garden, after all.

He could ignore the flowers that weren't actually part of his garden. The sting of the pink petals had all but vanished, leaving him to wonder if he ever could find anything to be "beautiful", like the man who had set about painting his garden. What is beautiful to him? What does Kanda Yuu find to be something special and striking? The word "beautiful" seemed to be stripped of its meaning, when he considered that every time he looked in a mirror he saw a face that many people considered "beautiful".

After enough broken glass and spots of blood, he'd been denied the rights to go anywhere alone—which was the true explanation for the old fart's presence. The mirrors were his fault, but Komui had immediately drawn unfounded conclusions about the blood pool he'd created in his attempt to discern reality from the haunting visions that cursed him. Certainly, he'd driven the blade through his hand and watched the red liquid free fall into the tile; but they couldn't prove it. He told them he just stepped on it—which was true—and they couldn't rightly deny the reason, for lack of better evidence.

He supposed the healing ability had uses after all. He could get away with self torture and daily suicide and get up and walk away if he wanted. That wasn't his cup of tea, however. Once he'd discovered even bleeding to death would simply "heal", he'd determined that he was cursed to suffer until his soul was eaten away. He couldn't simply brush that case off with Komui, however. The Chinese man didn't seem to believe him when he'd said it wasn't a reoccurring thing. Apparently killing one's self was frowned upon.

Not like he could die. And that's exactly what he'd told Komui. He knew he wouldn't die from it; rather, he was reconnecting with the limits of his body. That's the excuse he came up with, anyway. That time, he'd actually had some part of him hoping there would be no waking up.

Reality just wasn't treating his mind well. Hallucinations had almost become a schedule. His sleep was riddled with events that were too horrifying to be reality and yet, he knew they were just that. All he wanted was those eyes to come back and give him peace for just a little while. His hearth thumped in his chest as the wind picked up in a second wave, all he wanted to do was stop the disjointed and reproachable history that came with the body he controlled.

A breath escaped him of its own accord. It wasn't as melancholic as he'd imagined, it was more an exasperated expression leaking out from his attempted steely reserve. Of course, it might have also been from the golden annoyance that snuggled lovingly into his clean hair. "Timcanpy, damn it." He frowned and lifted the creature from his head, content to let the obnoxious hovering thing settle against his knee.

It seemed like the stupid thing came around just when his thoughts went south. If the thing had an ability to sense his emotions, it was doing a good job on response. If he wasn't, he had an uncanny ability to comply with coincidence. He made a face when he felt teeth nibbling almost lovingly on his hand. "Augh, Timcanpy, who taught you such repulsive behavior." He prodded the golem, who left a trail of saliva on his hand, "that idiot didn't teach you manners."

"Hm?" the painter muttered, "Did you remember something?"

He stared down at Timcanpy, not quite sure why he'd referred to its owner as an idiot, but for some reason it felt like the words were so familiar. "No. I didn't."

"You're looking pale, have you eaten?" The artist continued to brush the long stroke into his canvas, caressing the colors with each twist of his wrist.

The lie slipped out instantly, "Yes."

"Yuu, you shouldn't lie to your father, I'll make sure you get something to eat. You'll starve and then what will you do?"

"You're not my father," Kanda pronounced the words between grit teeth and slowly, as if speaking to a moron.

It was an idle smile that crept to the face of the artist. It was something of a mild amusement with a tinge of intentional word battling, "So you do remember some things."

"Are you done painting?"

"Patience, Yuu. Timcanpy wants to be painted as well."

Kanda glared down at the little ball, his mood soured for some reason again. He'd been jumping back and forth between the helpless, loathing feeling to all of that, plus a topping of antisocial bitterness that seemed to leak out and lash at others in his direct vicinity.

It wasn't everyone else's fault. He knew that. It just seemed easier to make them stay the hell away when he wasn't even capable of dealing with himself. If he couldn't handle himself, they sure as hell couldn't. Only Marie and Tiedoll had any luck with him since Allen's mission started. He was being complicated and he didn't give a shit. He was seeing flowers, blood and death. He'd drained the blood out of his body just to see what would happen. Mirrors were the bane of his existence. He had every right to have no desire to let strangers into his personal space.

There was no telling how much time passed, while he remained there. He just simply let the wind caress him. It enveloped his hair, clothes and seemed like it was leaking directly into him. It calmed him into a meditative state and he felt like he'd been long overdue a real state of meditation. With closed eyes, his fingers absently pet Tim, who was back to nibbling on his hands. He didn't want to care, so he was going to try to take one damn moment out of this horrid day—like every other day, really—and simply exist.

It wasn't until sometime later when a hand pressed against his shoulder that he came out of his temporary trance. He looked up with lazy eyes, not even bothering with pretend alertness. He didn't really care how he appeared to anyone, since he didn't know them anyway and he wasn't sure if he wanted to, simply because it would be more memories he'd have to sort.

"I'm sorry we took so long, Kanda," a pleasant voice spoke softly to him, but all he was focused on were the eyes he wanted to see again. "I heard you had a little trouble while we were gone. Komui said he won't make me leave you again for a while. I hope that doesn't bother you."

He didn't know how to respond to the pale haired boy. The words were left in his throat and he wasn't sure if they were what he was supposed to say anyway. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to act. Luckily for him, Timcanpy was a master of distraction and promptly flew back to his head, resting directly on his upturned face, teetering on the bridge of his nose.

There was a strong—almost surreal—urge to violently react to this face invasion. His eyebrows furrowed and he was certain he was straining arteries in his temple. "Tim…can..py…" He gritted slowly, eyes emitting a murderous gaze.

A chuckle filled the air between Allen and Kanda, and it was determined to come from the former. His gray eyes shone with a mirth that had almost caused Kanda to lean in inspect them around the form of Tim that was taking up most of his sight. This boy was an enigma to him. Maybe it was because he was different than those around him, who claimed to know him. Maybe it was some kind of feeling he got. He wasn't sure, but he wasn't going to question it for fear of scaring those eyes away.

"I think Timcanpy likes you. He only messes with people he's fond of, you know," Allen lifted the golem into his own hand, prodding the happy thing.

"Tch."

It was a simply response that really had no meaning to Kanda, but apparently it had some meaning to Allen. Those gray eyes seemed to soften as the smile took over his face radiated the warmth he needed.

"Tiedoll finished his painting a little while ago," the younger man started idly, taking a seat next to Kanda. He held a small canvas in the hand that hadn't housed his golem. He said you were a great model. He seemed a little surprised you sat there for four hours like that."

_Four hours?_

"I hadn't realized that much time passed."

"Knowing how good of an artist Tiedoll is, I'd say you must have been rather peaceful. You look like it in the painting," he said, holding the canvas in front of them, Timcanpy floated up to the painting to perch on the top edge. "I'm curious about the red though."

Kanda's eyes scanned over the painting. It was like looking at someone else, because as the man next to him said, he looked peaceful in it. He knew quite well there wasn't a whole lot of "peace" in him, truly. The picture showed the warm caresses of the wind, making his hair float around and crowd his eyes and he suspected some people might confuse him for a girl at first glance. Especially with his hair loose like it was. Despite the softness of his hair, the strong lines of his face were prominent and his form was quite masculine in nature. His oriental attire was colored with masculine hues and he simply looked like he belonged in Feudal Japan.

But all of these things didn't really stick in his mind like the splashes of red that Tiedoll had added as an introspective touch about his view of the brain damaged student of his. He'd never expected this sort of interpretation. The painting featured him—holding Timcanpy in one hand—the other had been casually rested against his leg. His hand was painted with hues of bloody red that dripped from the fingers.

…And formed roses in the dirt below them.

Nothing else about that picture truly stuck out to him, except that concept. The poetic transition of blood to a flower—a flower he didn't despise. It was as if he was wordlessly telling him that the invisible blood sticking to his skin wasn't without purpose. General Tiedoll may have appeared to be just an eccentric old man—who seemed to have turned himself into Kanda's adoptive father—but he could see things that Kanda never knew if he would. He saw beauty in the world that the dark haired man was lost in.

For just a brief moment, tracing a finger over the dried acrylic of the blood roses, he thought perhaps he saw something beautiful.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Thank you to everyone watching this and reading along! Especially Eurythmiic. My super awesome Muse, who catches all of my embarrassing Typos. _

_To Eurythmiic: CLOCK. Now laugh. I love you. _


	12. Pillar

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Twelve<em>

The cool sheets wrapped his body and made a comfortable haven out of his bed. His head sank into his pillow perfectly and he felt like he could rest there forever. Then here was the pocket of warmth he felt in the crook of his neck as his body stirred into the world of consciousness. It felt like he was being embraced. A steady breathing could be heard somewhere close to his ear, and his own heartbeat seemed like a pleasant lullaby. Fluttering by his chest made him open an eye and peer down, to be met with the color of gold.

Timcanpy fluttered softly on his chest, his strange mouth nibbling on the fingers that were splayed somewhere over his heart. Those fingers were not his, unless of course, his thumb was on the wrong side of his hand—which he knew it wasn't. They were long, pale, and elegant fingers belonging to the hand of his bedmate. The breathing by his ear, and subsequent warmth, was also a product of the dark haired man that clung to him nightly.

He really knew it was a bad idea to let this behavior continue, but the comfortable pleasantness he had in the moments before waking made it all worth the probable heartbreak he was going to be on the receiving end of.

His mission had hit him with a painful discovery, or rather, admittance that he knew he'd have to deal with sometime. Lenalee was certainly to blame for it and even a bit of Lavi. The train ride there and back from Lancaster was nothing if not full of more awkwardness he could even describe. It wasn't unusual for Lenalee to be so in sync with the feelings of those she cared for, but this had been like taking apart Allen's precious insides, inspecting them with a fine tooth comb, then putting them right back in all nice and orderly.

Allen might have fallen into something too deep with the man in his bed. It's not like he could deny that the curiosity hadn't existed since he met the strange man. It wasn't like he could erase the tears he'd spilled when he'd first truly feared for Kanda's life; back a month or so before, when he'd been assaulted and wiped of everything he ever knew. Every moment he'd spent with him since had been one mountain to climb after another.

His eyes trailed softly over the sleeping body curled against him. It was almost like he was holding on for dear life, and he probably really was. Komui had spared Allen no details about the events that had taken place there while he was away. He wanted desperately to be mad at them for letting him have that much time alone; but somehow, Allen knew that Kanda maybe needed to see the power of his body.

The concept that Kanda had actually killed himself had sent shivers down his spine. That proud face had always seemed to cling to the life he'd been living. Allen didn't know if it was for some reason or if he was like most humans and simply wanted to live. Regardless, Kanda had never seemed to be the kind to let himself meet an end before his due time. It was for this, that the younger Exorcist was extremely grateful that Kanda's body didn't let him die like that. Bleeding out must have required work to keep the blood moving out before the wound healed.

Allen didn't like thinking about that.

"Hnng…"

A noise from the left ear made him turn his head. There was a face tucked into the crook of his neck and from the sounds of it, the man was stirring awake. The face lifted back sleepily and looked at him. Eyes met and all the blood rushed to Allen's face. Those dark eyes had no focus, but yet seemed to have a glitter to them that showed a curiosity that Allen hadn't seen in the previous days he'd woken in similar fashions. "Good morning," Allen smiled softly.

There was no reply, but the hand that was on his chest had moved to his face. Cool fingers pressed against his right cheek, trailing down to his jaw. The hand brushed back up and through his white hair. Curiosity had leapt up in him at these actions. There was no indication that Kanda recognized him as 'beansprout', but he seemed to be thinking about something directly in relation to him.

"Kanda?"

"I see you…" There was a long pause that almost threatened to make Allen uncomfortable. "…In my dreams. You're sitting. Sitting on steps. There's someone singing. A lullaby. Then these eyes..." He brushed his thumb over Allen's right eye, allowing it to close as he made the motion. "…Are hollow. You cry for others. But those eyes…I never see them like that when they're on me…Why?"

Allen's heart stopped in his chest and he almost thought he'd died right there under Kanda's cool gaze. For someone who had never given the impression of being in tune with his the people in his surroundings, he was being painfully observant at that moment. Or…perhaps it wasn't _that moment_, perhaps he'd always seen what he was dreaming. Perhaps that was a memory he'd had before he'd been broken. No one ever knew what Kanda was really thinking. If he was writhing in pain in silence, they were oblivious. He was just that good at hiding himself from everyone.

Words stuck in his throat and he was suddenly terrified in ways he'd never been terrified. Two drowsy eyes had struck him with fear he'd never really had to contend with. How do you tell someone who cannot remember you? How do you express the closeness you've always thought you felt? How can you convey the way they seemed to clash and yet fit perfectly?

"I…don't know what you mean, Kanda…" He felt lame the moment he stuttered out the words. _Augh, thank god he hasn't the capacity yet to realize how full of it I'm being. _

Kanda pulled back, sitting up and letting Tim reclaim his precious hand, "I know your face. But I cannot place you anywhere. I know the girl, Lenalee and the idiot red-head; but you are no where and everywhere at the same time."

"That's probably because I come later in your memories. Komui placed your current memories about around fourteen. You don't meet me until nineteen."

"…_Fourteen._" Cool words echoed in the room. "But…there is no _fourteen_."

"Huh? What do you mean, Kanda?"

Kanda stared at the window, glistening from the morning light, "If…you met me at nineteen. How can I be fourteen? If…I've only been alive for nine years? Lavi said he was nineteen. But my memories say I met him when I was only alive for a few years. So then I would be nine now."

Allen stared at Kanda as if he'd actually lost his mind. What was he going on about…only a few years? Was he saying he was nine years old when Allen had first met him? Because that sounded like insanity talk. He decided to try and skirt around the topic in hopes of not encroaching upon a sequence of memories that perhaps he was not supposed to be in on. Kanda's past was hazy to everyone and Allen figured there had to be a decent reason for it.

"Well, either way, you haven't met me in your memories yet. I'm sure you will remember me eventually. Until then, how would you like to get a little training in?"

"Training?"

"Yeah, play fighting, sort of. Before your mind was wiped, you were kind of an amazing fighter," he said cheerfully, perhaps even compensating for the strange turn of the conversation too much. Even though he'd truly thought that about Kanda, he really never wanted to actually admit that Kanda was like watching fireworks fill up the sky.

"You sound like a fan."

"Ehh…well," he coughed stupidly, "I imagine even your enemies can admit your movement is something unique." _Excellent save, Allen. You sound like an idiot. _The feeling of stupidity passed when he realized the tone in Kanda's voice had been…teasing. He face crunched up and he puffed his cheeks, "you're making fun of me."

It was faint, oh but it was there. The corner of Kanda's mouth curled up into what Allen swore was a smirk. His smirk. Not the shadow of Kanda, but the man himself. His gritty words and expressions were leaking back. If there was any evidence beside that faint smirk, it had been in the simple fact that he was more commonly referring to Lavi as an idiot. He almost swore once that he'd seen Kanda instinctively go to reach for Mugen.

Which brought him back to his previous idea.

"Hey, let's get dressed and go get some food. Then we can spar. Maybe for once I can actually beat you with a sword."

A characteristic snort came from the man who had stood in response to Allen's proposal. His eyes glittered at the challenge, "Oh yeah, Allen, _beat me_."

Bricks seemed to drop down on Allen's head and he wasn't sure which was punching him down harder, the fact that Kanda had made that sound so unbelievably _sexual_ with his husky voice, or the fact that he'd unknowingly just called him Allen and it sounded to deafeningly _wrong_.

The hot feeling in his body suggested his mind was more focused on the fact that Kanda had just placed a horrifically impolite image in his otherwise pure, _innocent_ mind. He took to staring down Timcanpy when he realized the other body was redressing for public wear. If it wasn't bad enough to deal with Kanda's nightly tossing all over him, he was now dealing with the conscious allures of the man. Thankfully, Kanda's mentality was still young and yet to be cuttingly aware of implications. Unfortunately, Allen considered, at some point…all of that would come back and Kanda would certainly remember everything that had happened while recovering. Komui even said that all the events of his recovery wouldn't simply get forgotten. Allen was battling his mind and body to give away as little personal information of his feelings as possible, but he was betraying himself…and once Kanda's distant, icy persona was fully reclaimed…he was likely to slice Allen into small ribbons to use to tie his hair.

Actually, that was a rather grotesque thought.

He shook his head and slipped from the bed to get himself dressed when Kanda was nearly complete with his morning ritual. His mind didn't stop running and it always ran back to Kanda. Perhaps it was because he was still worried. Perhaps it was because he was so happy about the progress he was seeing in him. Perhaps he was breaking slowly as it came closer to the time when Kanda would push him away and go back to pretending that he had no soul and thus didn't require people caring about him.

If that was going to be the case, Allen intended to harass him until he was either killed, or Kanda at least let him be his friend. He absently let his fingers hook the buttons of his shirt.

Kanda watched Allen fix his dress shirt with curious eyes. The boy seemed to be in his own world. He could almost see the thoughts spilling from those eyes. They were ranging from hopeful to the hollow he hated so much. His dreams were filled with them. He didn't like those eyes at all, but he wasn't going to interrupt the man's thoughts simply to make them go away. At some point, Allen would look at him again and the hollowness would disappear for a moment.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was scoffing. He didn't know why. He didn't understand where all of the irritation and the denial was pouring in from. He denied that he enjoyed Lenalee fixing his hair. He denied that he kind of—a tiny little bit—liked Timcanpy cuddling his shoulder. He denied that the events of his past were not his fault—they were. All of them. But he could not deny that Allen Walker had done something to uproot him at the core. No matter how hard his mind was trying.

What was at his core, he still didn't even know; but Allen had somehow broken through barriers that didn't exist yet and spread the warmth of companionship into him. He didn't want to remember his past and probably most of his future…but he wanted to remember this white haired fool who was taking care of someone who seemed to clash so hard with him, if what everyone else said about them was true. Allen had let him sleep in his bed and curl up against his body when he needed warmth to thaw the ice forming in his soul. Allen had helped him walk, bath, and communicate. He'd helped him deal with the cutting knives of his past. He didn't judge him for his 'suicide' attempt and apparent self harm in the British teen's absence. He was just there, like a pillar. Allen was his support and even though the instinctual recesses of his mind screamed to deny him and push him away for all he was, Kanda found that he didn't know if he wanted to let go of his pillar.

_What will happen if I find I don't like him? Can I simply push him away? I don't know. I'm confused. _

_Thack!_

"Ow, damnit, Timcanpy," he growled at the flying blur of gold. "Who the hell taught you to fly into people's heads?"

"He just likes you that much I guess," his smile was pleasant and it crept up into his eyes, which meant it was one of the real smiles this time.

"You can like someone without pissing them off," he frowned.

"Sometimes…" a sobering look traced over Allen's mirthful smile. "Sometimes the people who aggravate you the most are the ones who love you the most."

Kanda had no idea what he meant by that.

And he suspected he wouldn't for quite a while.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: I just wanted to make a lil note here, Kanda's personality is being based in between the "young" Kanda in the recent manga, and usual Kanda. Young Kanda seems to be more curious to me, if "the talk" scene is to be taken into consideration. _

_This is fully planned out and there will be a sequel. Thank you for the reviews! They feed my desire to write quicker!_


	13. Phobia

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Thirteen<em>

A foot sailed through the air, hitting the defending target with practiced ease. The body attached to the foot moved like it was made for the dance-like fighting style it performed. Muscles rippled through legs and arms, and the steady—even—breathing seemed to state how this exercise was a usual practice, even if he looked a little flushed. Kanda was clearly made for this, Allen smiled idly. This had been the third day they had brought him here to train and it seemed like he was in sync with his body again.

"He's gonna whoop you if you don't get serious, Allen," Lavi joked and laughed at the harmless glare shot his way from the younger boy.

"I don't want to hurt him, you know!" He called back, lifting an arm to block the next swift kick Kanda aimed at his upper body. He had to admit, it was damn impressive that Kanda was so flexible. Allen knew he was pretty flexible too, but the dark haired martial arts god seemed to be infused with control over his limbs. Allen knew that much of the skill he was showing currently was his body remembering the actions, not so much his mind remembering.

Regardless, Allen was almost entranced to a distractingly dangerous degree. He'd remembered that Kanda trained blindfolded often, so this sort of battling probably did seem like play to him. He wondered back to all their needless fist fights…they sure beat each other a lot...

_That sounded so awful in my head_, Allen thought ruefully. He hadn't meant to think of things like that, but it kind of just happened occasionally when the wrong combination of words were presented. Allen decided that he was spending too much time with Lavi.

"Maybe you ought to spend more time worryin' about you gettin' hurt." Lavi's lazy, friendly expression annoyed Allen for a brief second before he simply chalked it up to Lavi being Lavi.

"If you're worried, baka, then why don't you spar with me?" Kanda's rich voice echoed in the training hall, decorated with a Japanese insult just for Lavi.

"I won't go easy on ya Yuu~"

"Call me by that name again, and you won't have to worry about much for long," the Asian man threatened. His eyes narrowed and he turned his stance to face Lavi, the latter almost regretting this decision. Kanda had never been good at holding back and he figured his chance to play with "nice" Kanda passed in the days before. It wasn't hard to see the traces of their Kanda now. In fact, it was hard to tell he was still recovering at times.

It seemed like the only one who had remained forgotten was poor Allen.

Lavi walked out toward Kanda, cracking his knuckles with a silly grin on his face. He knew he couldn't take Kanda's fists of rage if he was serious, but he was hoping that the dark haired demon wasn't completely up for breaking his neck that morning. "Alright, Yuu, let's go~"

"What did I tell you, two fuckin seconds ago, idiot?" The growl emitted low and the threat of death shone clearly in those familiar eyes. Lavi missed that, despite how much he valued his life. Perhaps Lavi was deeply masochistic, but the abuse he received from his longtime friend was a sort of treasure he wouldn't trade for anything.

He took a simple pole weapon to defend with. There hadn't been much of a plan to fight back, but rather they worked on parrying and dodging to keep Kanda on his toes. It had been good practice for him and eventually got him right back into his normal motions. Kanda was barefoot and stretching his arms across from Lavi. He looked so…normal. It was like nothing changed, though Lavi wasn't able to ignore the different glint in his eyes than from before. Other than that, it felt like the same man as before.

Lavi decided to take the first real move to get the party started. He swung the pole and watched carefully when Kanda jumped away from it, his long hair trailing like a waterfall behind him. The man spun and his foot came at the green eyed man faster than he'd prepared for. His arm lifted to defend himself from the kick to the face that was intended. Missing being knocked down, Lavi let out a little breath of relief.

"Looks like you're the one needing saving now, Lavi," Lenalee teased with a chuckle while she and Allen stood on the sidelines. "Go get him, Kanda!" She cheered.

"Aw, come on now!"

"Round two, Lavi!" Allen added after.

"Hey! We're not even done with round one!" The red-head complained, briskly dodging a fist that sailed toward him. He returned with a low swing, expecting Kanda to simply jump it. He didn't jump it, however, and the wooden weapon cracked into his shins. For a moment, Lavi wondered if he'd done that on purpose. Kanda was known for taking bodily harm intentionally in order to get the upper hand; but when Kanda dropped to his knees, he realized it wasn't a ploy. "Uh…Yuu?" He moved closer.

"Kanda?" Allen was next to him before anyone was even aware he'd moved. "Hey? What happened, are you okay?"

Kanda shook his head and stared at the ground that seemed to move below him, swaying and disorienting him. "Unh…I…just got dizzy." He placed his palms on the floor and leaned forward, closing his eyes to get his bearings.

"Hey, I didn't hurt you did I?"

"Unh…No…you hit like a girl," the Asian man muttered. His face contorted in discomfort and it was very obvious to Allen, if no one else saw it.

Allen moved to Kanda's side and knelt down closer to him. His hands worked of their own accord, pressing against his cheeks and forehead. With little effort, he brushed Kanda's hair back and caused him to turn his face up. "Look at me." It wasn't a demand, but a rather plain request that he was glad he wasn't going to be fought with over. Kanda's dark eyes slipped open and met the silver ones. Allen had to look closely to see what he was looking for within those dark irises, but he confirmed it nonetheless. "Your eyes are dilated. That's probably why you're dizzy."

"Dilated?" Lenalee knelt next to Allen, her concern radiating from her.

"Yeah, Komui said his eyes were dilated when he was brought in. Brain trauma can do that, I guess. He feels like he has a fever. Maybe we should get him to your brother." Allen's words slipped from his mouth as a secondary focus. His primary focus had been settling on wondering why he hadn't noticed any sort of difference in Kanda's physical status. He'd been fighting fluidly. He'd been moving like he was perfectly fine, a little flushed…sure, but that was normal when moving around like that. He made no mention of feeling ill…Unless… "Kanda, you didn't say anything about not feeling good…why?"

Several pairs of eyes fell on him and he knew they were wondering what the heck he was thinking about, but Allen had been around Kanda now far more than they had. He knew his usual thought process. He was also aware of the events that Komui kept hushed from the others, the part where Kanda hurt himself intentionally.

Framed by dark lashes, Kanda's eyes studied over Allen's expression with effort. He had to let his eyelids slip closed again, however, because everything was so bright that he thought he was seeing spots. "It'll go away."

"You don't know that."

"Everything else did."

If Allen's ears didn't betray him, he'd heard a dejected sense of disappointment laced into the rich tones of the man's voice. It was obvious that the older man was having a hard time coping with the things that were rolling back into his mind. Allen desperately wished he could smooth out all the troubles that were coiling up around him, but it truly wasn't his place to force comfort. It really wasn't his place to play protector either…but…. A prickling sensation in his fingers itched to reach out and hug him, but he had to fight it back. "Let's get you to Komui, okay?"

"I'll be fine."

The protest was a weak one and the younger man assumed it had something to do with the pain etched into Kanda's pale face. He was warm, with dilated eyes and now wobbling with every movement. He supposed he'd just assumed that all of the damage to his brain had been perfectly healed over and just the data content needed to be restored, but this was making him reconsider. Maybe it was similar to building muscles: you work muscles and strain them, so they heal stronger. He always felt sore the day after an excruciating workout, but felt stronger when the soreness disappeared. Perhaps Kanda's brain was acting the same way.

"You're clearly not fine, Yuu," Lavi interjected, helping Allen pick him up from the floor. "You have been fighting it back like Allen said, haven't you?"

Lavi's voice was close in his ear. He was close to him and so was Allen. Grinding his teeth, Kanda felt trapped between them. A sense of panic welled up in him at the closeness and pressure he was being placed under. The concern from both of them was causing his heart to beat uncomfortably until he could hear it thumping in his head. "I. Am. Fine."

_I'll be fine. Go away. _

"Lenalee, can you tell your brother we'll be heading to him with Kanda?"

_Go. Away. _

"We'll carry him there."

_Please…go away. _

"...Yuu? Allen, he's trembling."

_Dear god, go the fuck away!_

"What is happening…Kanda? Hey, stay awake, okay? Kanda?"

_I can't breathe. _

_I can't breathe!_

_Go away!_

He begged his body to suck air in, but he seemed to be paralyzed. This feeling was something he couldn't remember and it was terrifying him in ways he didn't think were possible. The suffocating, endless abyss he was crashing into was clinging to him with greedy fingers. The almost numb pain he'd pushed back had crept in until he couldn't take it. If they would just _go away_ he could breathe. Their careful gestures. Their concerned looks. The way they cared _so. fucking. much. _It was causing tremors to trample through his nervous system until his entire skull filled with a fire that caused his vision to fade.

The pain that wracked his head for days upon days was tolerable and he'd just needed to lie down. Sleep. It would go away. Just like they should go away.

His hands clamped over his ears to drown out the voices and his mind flitted over details in every direction until a realization came upon him like a wave crashing through his glass ceiling. This was a returning feeling of his. The familiarity was sinking in and he hastily crammed the puzzle pieces back together. He didn't _hate_ people like he was led to believe from descriptions of himself.

He was afraid of them.

They needed to move away.

"Go away." He croaked, his lungs burning from the pain of holding his breath involuntarily. "P…please. Please. I will do fucking anything….if…you just…back up for a moment."

Both people glanced at each other and let go of him very carefully, taking a step back from the trembling form. Normally, they would have ignored a request that could be potentially dangerous to the person's health; but neither of them had ever heard that tone of voice from the subject. Allen had never even suspected that sort of pleading could come from that mouth. It sent dagger of pain through his heart. Was this another memory crashing back in on him? Was he already returning to the cold person he'd been before?

Kanda panted for air, begging it to come back before he really did suffocate. It wasn't like suffocating would have killed him, but the feeling was so wretched. The pain itself wasn't what was so hard to bear, but the anxiety…the panic. He didn't understand why he felt so terrified of those two people when he felt so vulnerable. Was he troubled by people seeing him like that? He knew his sense of pride was strong; but somehow, he knew he wasn't that shallow.

Maybe it was more like…he didn't understand them. He didn't know why they cared and it felt alien. It felt like pinpricks. His body tingled uncomfortably and he bit his lip as the feeling returned to his limbs.

He didn't want anyone to care.

He didn't want to be loved.

He didn't deserve it.

They couldn't understand. They wanted to help. They wanted to care for him and help him.

People who cared for him…and loved him…ended up dead.

He curled in on himself at the thought. No more blood. No more death. If they stayed the fuck away, he didn't have to get attached. If they stayed the fuck away, they could go on thinking he was just a cold bastard. He wanted his walls back. It was time to rebuild them, shut everyone else out again and make this anxiety and vulnerable feeling disappear. Feeling this way…hurt…Theses were memories he absolutely hated and wish he'd never gotten back. He needed his protective barriers to protect everyone else from him. He needed his protective barriers to protect himself from him.

"Kanda… Kanda…Hey. We need to get you to the medical ward. Can you walk?"

He looked up at Allen to see those warm precious eyes he somehow really liked. He hated them. He hated liking them. He wished he'd never had the opportunity to like them and the stupid dumbass that those eyes belonged to.

_I need to hate you. _

_I need to push you away. _

_Especially you. _

_You're too holy to deal with me. _

_I need to make you disappear. _

_I will just hurt you and you will break me. _

_This isn't…_

_I need to make you hate me again. _

_But I don't want to. I don't want to…beansprout, what have you done… _

_Fuck. _

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: If this one seems a little choppy, then I've done my job! I wanted it to be unsteady like a panic attack, in a way. _

_Since my computer flops when it comes to review replying: _

_**Animeloverx175:** The sequel will have a bit of a different feel, but I'm already thinking it out.**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> I'm hoping I'm not pushing too fast, but at the same time, I'm trying to move the timeline along. So I'm glad it sets well with you.**  
>Ivory-fanged-goddess:<strong> Tim is the real master here xD I've also got lots of Noah/14th related plans, though most of that will probably be sequel.**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> I'm worried I'm pushing it quickly, but I'm also not pushing everything in precise order, so there will be backtracking somewhere for the poor guy. And I'm trying to keep it to every other day, but some days, I just feel like writing more. So I get them out sooner.**  
>EXO718:<strong> I plan to get more Tiedoll in here, and Eurythmiic convinced me to actually draw Tiedoll's painting, so thanks to that loveable old fart, I'm drawing more. I'm trying to skirt around Kanda's past details because of the sequel timeline. We'll see how that goes!**  
>Eurythmic:<strong> Clocks oxoxox! ILU MOAST**  
>Book Thief101:<strong> I'm stalking new DGM chapters like my life hangs in the balance, it's giving me my timeline for the sequel, just about. It ought to be interesting, you're on the right track I think.**  
>Kei-Hikaru<strong>: Haha, yeah. Allen and his martyr complex. I had to abuse it for this story to work. It's hard writing from Allen's perspective because I'm a Kanda fanboy. But it worked out for the most part. Also, if you liked the oneshot I also have posted, you're going to enjoy the basic idea around the sequel. _

_Thank you everyone! The response on this chapter got me all kindsa motivated. Not like you can tell._

_Since I. Post. Every. Other. Day. _


	14. Fourteen

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Fourteen<em>

Kanda sat in the lounge, thinking. He was just thinking. There was a maddening feeling that he'd let something important slip from his mind. His mind had called Allen something before he'd been carted away to the medical ward the previous day. Emotions that had flickered had been crushed down by his desire to discontinue his outward display. He could scream and curse himself without the other people seeing his pitiful behavior. In his determination to calm his own panic before being presented to Komui, he'd forgotten the haze of things that had passed through his mind. And they felt important too. He cursed to himself over and over.

All he'd needed was rest. He had been dehydrated and apparently still healing in his brain. His body was an amazing thing, but it certainly wasn't perfect. In order to keep him alive, it had to rush to put everything back together. The pain he was feeling—the migraine like splitting pain—was from corrections in faulty rebuilding.

Fuck his stupid brain, he huffed to himself in the empty room.

A little nudge of pressure on his head came into his senses and his scowl deepened. "Timcanpy…where were you yesterday?"

Timcanpy hopped to acknowledge that he was aware of Kanda's concerns. Tim made no effort to appease the man, though. He simply remained there, perched right into Kanda's tied back hair, tucked into the fluff of his bangs. Tim liked that particular head. The hair was soft and a midnight color that reminded it of similar hair.

"Well, it looks like you have a fan," an unusually deep voice echoed in the room, much to Kanda's sudden surprise. The body it belonged to casually dropped down on the sofa next to him. Smoke clung to his jacket and it trailed from the end of the cigarette hanging from his mouth. Even if he'd been facing away, Kanda felt like he could have noticed the flaming red hair that descended from under the man's hat. Timcanpy moved to perch on the edge of Kanda's head, facing this stranger.

"Er…you're…Cross…Marian? Allen's teacher, if I recall him telling me."

The single eye peered at the current perching post of Timcanpy, "So you really don't remember, yet." Without another word, Cross turned closer to Kanda and took his face in a large hand, pulling him closer, his one available eye inspecting the younger man before him like he was authenticating a gold coin. He noted the paralyzed look on the exorcist's face. It was probably just surprise, because it certainly wasn't fear. This boy wasn't acquainted with the fear of another living person and Cross wasn't exactly out to turn him into another sniveling Allen Walker.

"What do you want?" The younger man finally managed to speak. There was a familiarity in the hand that was holding him in place that he wasn't exactly sure of. It was a dream-like remembrance. "I'm familiar with your appreciation of beautiful things, but I'm not for sale."

"Ha ha! Sharp tongue, but you're still a brat."

"And you're a lecherous jackass," Kanda spit in return, with a gaze that could have even been challenging. His _pissed off_ meter was actually exploding with activity he hadn't experienced since his "rebirth". The only reason he hadn't slapped the shit out of Allen's risqué teacher was because that sick bastard could probably break him twenty times before he got his hand within face range.

"I simply prefer to surround myself with pretty things." Cross was teasing the poor boy. Allen was more fun to torture with physical labor and pushing his debts off on, but Allen's little _boyfriend_ was a different kind of amusement at that moment.

"Well, surround yourself with someone else. I'm not a woman."

"I could make you act like one in a matter of minutes, boy," Cross grinned darkly, squeezing his chin tighter, pressing fingers into Kanda's jaw.

Gritting at the sharp pain against his jaws, Kanda still managed to not learn to shut his trap, and it actually amused Cross more than he'd expected and he let out a thick chuckle when the eloquent words slipped from those thin lips, "I only swallow if I'm in a good mood. That doesn't happen often, so I hope you brought something for the mess."

The sarcasm was so thick that Cross could have put his cigarette out on it and left no marks on that porcelain face. His eye crawled back up to the golden critter nesting. "Well, Timcanpy, I see you approve of such a vulgar little thing. He's got more gall than that pathetic idiot apprentice, doesn't he?"

"Can you let go of my face, before this is considered molestation," Kanda gritted.

"Molestation? Don't be ridiculous," Cross leaned close into Kanda's face and suddenly a look of discomfort came over the younger of the two. This made Cross more interested by the moment. Allen had managed to find temporary friends in the past, but from what Timcanpy had shown him, this boy was something precious to the little idiot. Something more than just a friend or "brother". Perhaps this was the one that _that_ person had referred to. "Molestation looks more like…" A sick sense of pleasure came to cross when the face that he ran his tongue down the side of clenched, followed by a distinct lack of breathing from the victim.

Timcanpy fluttered and his teeth pulled at a strand of red flaming hair that had invaded his territory.

Cross merely chuckled and pulled back to sit casually next to the shell shocked young man. "Someone predicted that my foolish young pupil would find an anchor. That he would find salvation in One. So try not to break my playthings before due time, Allen still has my debts to pay off," he took a long drag from his cigarette. "And there's a number I'd like you to tuck away in that broken head of yours."

"…Dare I ask…?"

"_Fourteen_. That's all you need to know, brat." He lifted his hand and pressed his fingers against the side of his face, snaking around to the back of his neck—threateningly. "Now, take a nap," he commanded and he closed his hand around Kanda's neck until the struggling boy passed out from lack of oxygen.

The opening of the door alerted him to the presence of another familiar body. It was a matter of convenience that Allen Walker would return for his _boyfriend_ around the time Cross had knocked him out and allowed the body to casually slump against his leg like the first time the little idiot had come in to see him there.

"….M…master…" Allen quivered and shut the lounge door behind him quickly, locking it to keep anyone else out. "What…what…why? Kanda?"

"He's taking a nap. Boy sure likes to fall asleep during my visits. I can't imagine I _bore_ him."

There was a brief moment before silver eyes flickered and fell out of focus. Allen's gaze became distant and his vision blackened out until he felt like he was falling asleep. Despite his efforts to remain awake, Allen slipped into a dream-like state that he couldn't seem to escape from. Part of him welcomed the comforting darkness for a moment.

"So. That's what's going on," Cross exhaled another breath. "I was wondering why that idiot didn't seem fazed that I was here the first time."

"It was necessary."

"Necessary? Is using your influence to repress memories a good idea?"

"He doesn't know what happened to you. He doesn't remember my existence yet either."

"I can't keep the Inspector away from here forever. It's a miracle I've kept him away this long without it being obvious I'm still very alive and involved. The brat is going to be watched over again soon."

"I know. Thank you for your assistance. I take it that you are here to tell me the Inspector will return? As for your first untimely appearance, I managed to place the idea of a hallucination in my host's mind. I can simply do that again, Allen is unsure of his own thoughts." Two golden eyes trailed over Cross, then to the body slumped against him. He noted the marks that were faint and fading from that pale neck. "I didn't think you were into strangulation."

"Don't get the wrong idea. He may have a pretty face, but I like my women to be actual women. He just needed to take a nap for a while," he said casually, taking a long smoky drag from his cigarette.

The tanned hand—that had once been Allen's pale hand—reached out to touch the satiny skin of Kanda's neck. His fingers caressed the faint marks and he watched with interest as an annoyed sigh left the unconscious man's lips. The long inky hair was trailing down his body and making him look ethereal. His face was almost pure in his sleep and the darker skinned personality within Allen couldn't help but feel a familiar attraction.

"He's not the same person, you know. That man died."

"I'm aware of that."

"It appears otherwise. Your infatuation with that exorcist thirty years ago never stopped. Did it? Is that influence why my idiot of an apprentice has attachment issues with this one?"

"No. The attachment is all of his. I bear no attachments. I'm here for one purpose at the moment."

"Then why are you dancing around, if you can control him this much, then why don't you just take him over and be done? Mana is no longer around for you to necessitate waiting." he spoke with smoke pouring from his lips. "You two have been quite troublesome. I find one of you and the other ends up gone."

The dark haired Noah kneeled before the resting body next to Cross. He leaned in—his face close, very close. His dark lashes brushed the sleeping man's cheek and he pressed his face to the warm one beneath his. "Timing is everything, Marian."

"Your timing is going to screw with your real awakening. Keeping his memories in a holding cell is asking for problems. I've been watching you through Timcanpy. So you can cut the bullshit. You're stalling because of this brat."

"Hn," The Noah looked up to Timcanpy, not betrayed, but surprised a small bit that Timcanpy had been able to catch any glimpses of him at all. He'd been very particular about what times he took over his host's body.

"This kid is not that man. He may have the same body, but that's not much different than saying Allen is you. You're dawdling."

"I'm biding my time. I know you trust me, Marian. Or you'd have never presented yourself before me right now. I cannot take on the Earl without an insurance plan. Last time, ended well; but not well enough. This time shall be different." His fingers traced along Kanda's pale jaw; his lips pressed against the side of that beautiful face.

"Then I suggest you put your infatuation aside. That man never loved you before and he probably never will." With the statement spoken, Cross stood and looked down at the Noah and the beautiful, pale faced man.

"I was preoccupied then, of course. He was very young and I never wanted him involved."

"Yet, look at you now."

"You almost sound concerned, Marian. It's as if little Allen's big heart has broken through the callous, uncaring image you've been latching on to. This boy may not have loved me, but he feels something for my host. I will exploit it. Allen will gain the loyalty I need from him."

Cross eyed him casually. He didn't care to continue and argument that had no heat in it to begin with. He wasn't there for the argument. Actually, he had been there for confirmation and to check up on the details of what Timcanpy had originally given him. His concern wasn't for Allen or the Noah within Allen. His concern was whether or not it was wise to play a mind game on the young Japanese man, when his recollection of that man's true strength left little desire to have it unleashed upon the one side that Cross Marian actually supported. The Noah was walking on thin ice. The Black Order and the Earl's Family were equally as wretched to him, this third side was the only hope he felt existed for anyone if anyone even cared to exist in this ugly world.

"I will continue to block Allen's memories until they are needed again. If you will continue to assist me, it would be greatly appreciated."

Cross turned and walked toward the large stained glass window, placing a gloved hand against it. "You didn't need to ask the first time."

Golden eyes closed and a smile traced across the dark skinned face. He hadn't heard the window unlatch, nor had he heard the rustling of fabric; but he knew that Cross gone out the window and had all but vanished without evidence of having even been there. He felt the cool breeze on the back of his neck and he casually lowered his lips to the ones belonging to the man sleeping on the sofa. It wasn't what he would call chaste, but he felt comforting warmth seeping from the lips his were caressing.

He sat back, his golden eyes half closed but watching intently. "He will take good care of you. Try to remember what I need you to, please~" His eyes slipped closed and the color drained from his skin until the pale hues of Allen's complexion returned. The Noah sank back into the recesses of Allen's mind, forcing up the barriers that would prevent him from realizing any of the details.

Allen groaned, leaning forward into the edge of the sofa. He felt like he'd just woken up from a dream and a weird one at that. Warms sensations in his face alerted him to how close he was to Kanda. His eyes opened slowly and he wondered if Kanda was at all aware. It seemed like the other man was completely asleep.

He tried to remember why he'd suddenly fallen asleep and how he'd even ended up where he was. Unfortunately, he found he couldn't remember anything after he'd put his hand on the door handle to that room.

Timcanpy fluttered over to Allen's head and perched, watching over both of them.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Plot chapter, oh noes. This chapter was originally what I wanted in the first chapter with Cross, but I decided to wait so Kanda could be more active and I could place the necessary points that will be addressed more fully in the sequel. Unfortunately, I did kill a lot of the ambiguousness of the timeline. As this is clearly just after the big deelio at HQ—_AU elements permitted_. I do need to go back and correct my small errors, so please forgive me if you see them. _

_To all the people who've been asking about the Noah!Allen, I've been trying so hard not to reply and tell everyone the plotline. I want it to be a surprise, you mood killers XD. Details will be shed on Cross, Link and the Noah as I move this first part along. This story here will end so that people can enjoy the basic concept around it. The sequel is made to encompass the bigger plot that doesn't exclude Neah and the past surrounding Kanda. _

_**Please tell me what you think on this chapter, if none other! I do listen to viewer responses, and that may gauge how I choose to go about it. Thanks everyone!**_


	15. Slip

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Fifteen<em>

Beansprout.

_Beansprout. _

**_Beansprout._**

That was the word. He could practically see it written in multiple languages in his head. That was what he called him. His brain had called him _beansprout_. He spent two days trying to remember just the word. For some reason, he couldn't remember much of what had happened on the previous day, but he'd been able to narrow down the words, until he'd arrived at the answer. Now why he'd called Allen that, he wasn't quite savvy on yet; but there were hints and wisps of memories of the white haired fool that was protecting him to an almost sickening degree. He found himself confused, repulsed, and longing all at the same time.

He really didn't want to do anything but sleep. Lethargy was seeping into his eyes and he knew he must have looked like he'd been awake for days. Even if he hadn't been awake for that long, he felt like it. Perhaps it was because Allen hadn't slept next to him the previous night. The cursed boy had been forced to take a short trip—a few towns over—to run an errand. He had already been back by noon the very next day, but Kanda didn't sleep for any of the time he'd been gone.

He knew why.

And it pissed him off.

His entire world was thrown off balance by the absence of that kid. If that smaller body had been there to curl up under the sheets with, he would have been fine. He would have slept peacefully and woken up without any fatigue in his body. In fact, that was all he wanted right at that moment. Nice cool sheets, with that…**beansprout** of a kid and Timcanpy's stupid finger nibbling.

And it was driving him bat-shit crazy.

There was a strong impression in his mind that he never relied on others. It was even more strongly implied due to the simple fact that people avoided him when he went anywhere. Granted, he was becoming very aware of his…rather bitchy attitude and even felt his irritation levels rise to frightening degrees over simplistic things. Somehow, it was looking more like he was the local serial killer from the way Finders seemed to…vanish when he passed close to them.

He pulled another weed that was choking the violet flowers at the corner of the garden. It crept into his mind that he was probably shattering everyone's image of him, but the amounts of damn he gave were actually dropping into the negatives. Every time he ripped a weed out by the roots, he felt like he was liberating thoughts that were suffocating him much the same way as the poor flower was being choked out.

"The flowers look much happier."

Kanda didn't look up from his position—hunched over by a row of Columbines. "Hn, they're flowers." He brushed the loose dirt back over the base of the Columbine and leaned forward to pull the grasses out of the other side. He'd taken no care of his white shirt and smudges of dark soil could be found just about everywhere down the front. His pants had been spared the fate of being obvious, but they were just as filthy. The fabric ended mid calf and the exposed skin from that point had been smeared with the same spots of dirt that marked his cheek, arms and hands.

"You look like a forest child," Tiedoll commented, standing over where the garden tender was working.

"You're pissin' me off, old man," he snapped half-heartedly. "Can't a man play with flowers in peace? Tch."

The general took a seat on the decorative rocks that bordered the small area, "My my, you're expressive today, Yuu. What's the occasion?"

The younger man's head snapped in the direction of the old general. He wore a frown that expressed his dislike of being called on his actions. He wasn't truly able to gauge how he was "supposed" to act, even if he felt everything he knew was literally teetering on the very edge of his mind. He was just doing what he wanted at the moment, and be damned if anyone else had a problem. "Well, next time I'll be certain to shut my mouth."

"No need to be so temperamental. Expression is a good thing. Mind if I sketch you, once more?"

"You already did that, I'm not a model," Kanda snapped, turning back to face his project. He grimaced at the idea of being captured into art when he looked as filthy as he did. At the same time of having that feeling, he didn't really care enough to stop the old teacher. Tiedoll was a dreamy artist and keen on trying to father him to the point where Kanda couldn't seem to disassociate enough to tell the man to simply fuck right off.

Tiedoll pulled his charcoal from his jacket pocket and let his canvas lean on the long string around his neck, angling it for ease. "I painted you. That is much different. It's a different kind of beauty."

"Why do you keep attaching beauty to me?" A growl came of its own accord, one that Kanda hadn't seemed to realize he was emitting. "A pretty face doesn't make me beautiful. I am an ugly person." He hated his face. He hated his face so much he'd been tempted to take a knife and make it look like he felt it should look, but he knew the futility of that. His scars disappeared without his permission. If he wanted to skin himself alive, it wouldn't even last long enough for someone to wonder what the fuck was truly wrong with him.

"It's not just your face, Yuu. While there is beauty in your appearance, the complexity of you is most striking. Surely, you must wonder why there are those who hold you so dearly, despite the _ugliness_ you hold so strongly to."

"What are you trying to say?" It was an earnest question and he hadn't meant to sound quite so curious, but he was. He stared down at the violet flowers, his hands planted—palm down—into the soil. Waiting.

"Simply that the one who despises you most, is the one looking back at you in the mirror."

A short chill crept through the younger man. His eyes fixed to the flower and refused to move. Even if he was staring right at it, he didn't see it. He saw right through it, just like Tiedoll saw right through him. Perhaps this old nut wasn't wrong at all…no, actually…this old nut was about as right as anyone could ever get. The thoughts were always running through his head. There wasn't much about himself he liked. He hated his personality. He hated his face. He hated how he'd let people think of him as a cold hearted little shit, when he just didn't want to get others involved in the walking catastrophe that he was. It had never occurred to him, however, that he was the one who was full of the most hate for him.

His heart thumped hard and his face felt hot. The feeling of stupidity welled up so tight in him that he wondered if he should just shame himself completely and cry about it. Well, that _stupidity_ was what he was using to excuse the drop of liquid that slipped on accident. Shaking his head, he passed it off with a scoff. Emotions were his enemy until he could rekindle all of the parts of him that were missing.

That line of thinking always brought him back to never wanting to be himself again.

He felt a familiar nudge against his head and took note of the spot of gold he saw from the corner of his eye. Timcanpy's tail was hard to miss when it was waving in the air by his face. The little wings that carried the golem drooped and seemed to lie against his head like Tim was hugging him.

The wind blew through the plants before him, tousling the dirt that he'd disturbed. If he minded the dirt that blew into him, he didn't make a display of it. "What can I do?"

Tiedoll looked up from his sketch at his young student, curious that he would ask a question as not forthcoming as that one. "Hm?"

"What can I do, to hate myself less?" Looking out over the garden, he noted the wind blowing over the tall plants. They folded against the weight of the breeze and there was a small moment he felt he understood the plight of those flora.

"That's a question for everyone, I think," Tiedoll answered, his charcoal making deep lines, trailing Kanda's hair across the scene of his sketch. "If I were to suggest…I would say: surround yourself with people who see what you do not. There are people who see the good you cannot. There are people…who love the victim of your mirror."

"…Can I keep them?"

"Hm?"

"Your painting and your sketch."

"Of course you can."

"I want to remember this, when I'm not this way anymore. I wonder if I will even care, when my walls of indifference block everyone out," he mused quietly.

"You're not indifferent, as people may make you out to be. You're simply young, confused, and insecure. It's my belief, that this will benefit you more than harm you."

Kanda's eyes lazily trailed back to give Tiedoll a look. Both pairs of eyes met for a moment and a bored expression crossed over the younger, "breaking me and resetting my brain has benefits? ...You know, I've learned something about artists."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"That artists are crazy," there was a long pause following his words and he pulled Timcanpy out of his hair and held the golem in his hand, close to his chest. "But that craziness gives them eyes to see beyond the realm of closed-minded people like myself."

"Hm, that's quite insightful. I thank you for sharing it with me, I'm aware that you may never be so open again." The charcoal scratched against the paper some more.

"I don't even know why I'm talking to you as much as I am. All you do is annoy me."

"Now, now, play nice, Yuu."

"Stop calling me that," he gave a disgruntled _hmph_ and stood up from his spot, brushing the dirt from all over him. "I hope you were done. I've already embarrassed myself enough, I think I'm going to go bathe." Without waiting for the elder man's response, he walked on passed him, leaving his garden freshly tended to. Timcanpy curled his tail around the slender wrist and remained pressed against the man's dusty shirt.

"Yuu."

Two feet stopped at the call of his name.

"Someone does not have to be an artist to see beyond face value. The coldest oceans can harbor the most life within them. The most meaningful companionship can come from the ones who cause you the most turmoil."

Eyes widened at the second part of the man's short speech. Filtering through his thoughts, he immediate recalled Allen's statement. _ Sometimes the people who aggravate you the most are the ones who love you the most. _It repeated in his mind until he was questioning how the **beansprout** had really meant that. If only he had the missing pages…but…at the same time, he didn't want the missing pages. He was back to the confusion of knowing who he was, not knowing who he was, and wanting to understand Allen with desperation he never felt before.

He stepped back into the building, carrying Tim like he'd forgotten the little thing was all but cuddling him. He didn't mind the damn thing anymore, to the point where it could get away with such activity now. As long as he wasn't nesting his hair, Timcanpy could get away with anything around him.

Making his way back to the lounge, he let a quiet breath out. He was expected to join Allen and Lavi shortly anyway, in order to take him down to see Hevlaska. He couldn't quite remember what she was all about. It was another one of those things that he knew, but didn't. It was vague, yet it was just out of arms reach of remembering. Just like everything else seemed to be. But he wasn't really that concerned about it. If it was necessary, then it was necessary. It had to do with Mugen and he certainly wasn't going to protest anything he could do to make his sword cooperate properly.

Tim fluttered suddenly when he put his hand on the door and turned the handle to go in. "Tim…what the hell's your pr—"

Another voice drowned out his own and its owner hadn't taken notice of him yet, "—and he doesn't remember me, but I love him, Lavi, I don't know what do to anym—"

Kanda's hand lost feeling and he didn't quite know when he dropped Timcanpy; but the golem hung from his wrist for dear life, temporarily forgetting to fly. Dark eyes met two panicked silver ones and it didn't take a genius to tell what the topic of the conversation was. If the look in that poor boy's eyes told him anything, it was that he'd walked in on something that he wasn't supposed to hear. Allen looked like he was going to start trembling at any given moment. His mouth moved like he was going to try and find something to say to pass that statement off as something else, but he was failing and failing thoroughly.

"Oh boy…" Lavi stepped back with an uncertain look.

Timcanpy fluttered up to Kanda's neck and settled there. The perching-post rested a hand over Tim, staring stupidly at Allen. So stupidly, he knew that he must have glowed a spectacular aura of dumbfounded. It was like Tiedoll…_knew_.

Every feeling he'd been contemplating in his head and struggling over had smacked him in the face the moment he'd opened the door.

Everything came back.

All at once.

And all he could do…

…was run.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Don't get scared. We're not done here yet. I'm too much of a dick to give you guys an easy finish. If there are ten more chapters, I'd be under doing myself. _

_Thank you for the reviews, everyone. They're always welcomed and appreciated. _


	16. Pretend

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Sixteen<em>

If there had ever been a moment in his life where he'd felt trapped, it was at that moment. Under the crucifying gaze of the man who'd walked in to hear him speak the most incriminating words he's ever uttered, Allen had effectively put his foot—no, his whole leg into his mouth. It had been extremely clear that he'd scared Kanda away with that accidental bit of information. It had been extremely clear by the fact that Kanda wasn't in his room that night.

Allen stared out his opened window and simply let the moonlight pour in. He didn't feel like doing anything other than that. Thinking was enough effort and self torture. He hadn't expected Kanda to walk in the room. At least, he hadn't expected it at the absolute worst sentence he'd spoken. There was just a growing need to tell someone. Lavi was a good listener when he wanted to be and he'd never tell Allen's secrets, but it looked like that didn't matter for anything anyway.

He'd quietly chosen to retreat from taking Kanda to Hevlaska. Lavi asked Lenalee to go with him and both of them stayed behind. Allen stayed because he felt like he was the world's biggest moron and Lavi, because he was an unfortunate witness to the whole thing and he didn't want to make Kanda anymore uncomfortable than he'd seemed.

Though, that was just the thing. What the younger exorcist swore he saw in those eyes wasn't the disgust or rejection he'd expected to see. There was a ton of confusion and what he wanted to assume was just…shock. If anything, Allen could have sworn he saw the walls fly up around Kanda and when he fled, it seemed like it was an impulse instead of a chosen action. What did Allen know, though? He'd been too stupid to realize the best course of action was to avoid falling into such a state over a man who—under normal circumstances—would have rather seen him dead.

_What have I done? _He mulled. His eyes scanned his room. There were still traces of Kanda everywhere. Everything from the clothing he'd left draped over the chair in his room, to strands of his long black hair that he'd found in his bed. The room held an air of Kanda. Everything he could look at brought memories back or brought him back to thinking about that man. The distinct lack of Timcanpy even made him think.

He knew where Tim was. Timcanpy had been told to stay with the broken man and thus, would continue until Allen rescinded the order. A sigh escaped him and he rolled over just as he heard a knock at his door. There was no effort made to get up, instead he chose to simply call out, "Come in, it's unlocked."

The door clicked open and the light outside his room poured in. He could make out the person by their silhouette. "I came to see if you were okay. I was expecting you and Lavi to be with Kanda earlier, but Lenalee brought him."

"I'm sorry, Komui. I just…wasn't feeling good."

"Did you get into a fight with Kanda?"

"No, not really," he replied quietly. It wasn't a lie, but he was sure there was a reason why Komui would ask such a specific question.

"Are you certain? Because I was informed by Tiedoll that he'd left to find you and then came back looking like he'd been having a panic attack. Tiedoll's words, not mine, mind you."

With that, Allen sat up a little. "A…panic attack?"

"Like I said, that's what Tiedoll described it to me like. Apparently Kanda went back out into the garden and dug up an entire section of the field while muttering and at some point Tiedoll had to calm him down to keep him from tearing his hair out. It's extremely unusual behavior for him both before and after all of this. What did you say or do?"

Guilt trickled in like daggers all over his heart. He didn't go after Kanda, because he was afraid of what would transpire, but because he hadn't…he'd potentially placed Kanda in harm's way…albeit, harm by his own hands, but harm nonetheless. Allen was grateful for Tiedoll at that moment. The crazy old artist may have been a loon sometimes, but he really did care for his underlings. That was something that Allen was so unfamiliar with.

"I…I was talking to Lavi and I said something that I shouldn't have, he walked in about that time." Allen couldn't see Komui's face due to the light direction, but he knew there were questions written all over it. He didn't want to answer the ones he knew would come and he was hoping he could get away with not disclosing information that would not only incriminate him, but probably cause a huge spectacle for Kanda as well.

"What did you say?"

"I'd prefer not to repeat it. I'm sorry."

"Hmm…Well, alright. I assume it was something that perhaps brought a memory back to him?"

Now…that he hadn't thought about using as an excuse. Komui's convenient wording had made it easy for him to simply nod and play up his poker face of not knowing what was going on either. Of course…after telling him he couldn't repeat it…well, that would lead one to wonder what could be so bad he didn't wish to speak of again.

It wasn't like he could help feeling that way. He'd been entranced by Kanda for a long time, but getting so close and so comfortable with the re-growth of this man, had brought him so close to Kanda's core that he wanted to still see it when the cold shields firmly replaced themselves around Kanda's heart. It was a silly way of thinking, but he wanted so much to see him like no one else did. He already saw the parts of him that no one else did. He'd watched the man dream at night, murmuring in his sleep next to him. He'd watched him cuddle-abuse Timcanpy in his sleep. He'd seen him wake up with his face all marked from the crumples of the fabric and his hair a mess. He'd washed Kanda's hair for god's sake.

What Komui said about his memories retaining had suddenly terrified him so deeply, he couldn't feel his legs for the blood rushing to his face. He'd seen all of that and the sword wielding demon would remember every bit of it. Nothing could ever be the same between them, but he was hoping for better…not worse.

Knowing his luck, he would end up with Kanda's sword in his throat. Then again, he supposed death by the one you loved the most could be seen as a mercy killing.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow and I'll see how he's doing? I'm going to sleep for a little while…if that's okay…"

"It's fine Allen. Please don't feel like you have to hold anything back. We are here to talk to you. You're not just a weapon of the Order."

"Thanks…" He muttered, leaning back into the pillow. He heard the click of Komui's boots as he prepared to exit the room. Allen sat back up again quickly, "Hey wait…how did the meeting with Hevlaska go?"

"Hm?" The scientist turned back to face him, "Oh, his synchronization rate is at sixty-one percent. It's not…bad, but it's not what he had before. We should be able to get him back on the field very soon if we just practice him a few times with Mugen. His memories are very close to being restored, but his emotions still appear to be untamed. That could be what's causing the disturbance in him that's throwing his syncro rate off."

"I see…Thanks for letting me know."

A moment of silence passed again before Komui let a breath out and spoke, "I know you're worried about him, Allen. I can see that very clearly. Whatever happened earlier, don't let that stop you from caring for him. He's probably confused. If his memories are coming back, he probably doesn't know how to handle that someone had been willing to care for him as much as you did."

Unable to catch the slip, Allen groaned. "What else did Tiedoll say to you, Komui?"

"He told me enough. He's concerned for both you and Kanda. As are the rest of us. We're not blind. He could use a friend like you. So don't let his stubbornness push you away if it comes down to it. Sleep well Allen."

He left before Allen could even try to reply. There was a small bit of Allen that was thankful for that, because he didn't want to have to explain to Komui that what was going on was a little deeper than "friendship". He'd already poured his heart out to one person. At that point all he wanted to do was roll over, sleep and not think about the black haired man several rooms away from him—though, somehow he knew that would never happen. He'd be seeing Kanda in his dreams.

Pressing his face into the pillow, he tried his hardest to let sleep take him, but he missed the body that usually took the space next to him. Lavi warned him about this. He told him not to let himself get too carried away.

He should have listened.

And he knew that from the beginning.

The moonlight that crept into his open window, crept the open window of the subject of his thoughts—and eventual dreams. A flutter was the only movement in the room and Timcanpy eventually settled against the swordsman's chest.

He was sprawled across his bed, his hair loose and trailing down the side of the bed like it was cascading. The ceiling was what got most of his attention. His eyes just focused up and on nothing else. He had no energy to actively do anything. The moonlight had gotten to the point where it pissed him off because all he could think about was white hair; white hair that would glisten like snow when the light poured over it.

The images of what he'd walked in on earlier that day had refused to go away. The look on that beansprout's face had been one of fear, if he ever saw it. All he could think to do was run away so he didn't have to see the turmoil boiling behind those silver eyes that had nurtured him for so long. Regret pooled in his chest, because he knew the moment he'd stepped back, he saw something break in Allen. Part of him wanted him to suffer for making him feel this way. Kanda never wanted any connection to people that he couldn't simply walk away from. He didn't need people to be close to him, because he knew he wasn't going to lead a long and fulfilling life to enjoy the company of anyone else.

His room felt cold; unexplainably freezing cold and he knew it wasn't because of the temperature. It was because he felt disgustingly alone. His month and a half of being pressed flush against another body had created a habit that his body and subconscious didn't want to break.

It was all bullshit.

He'd hated the little bastard from the moment he peered down at little brat from the top of the gate leading into the Order tower. He'd refused to shake that little brat's hand. He'd refused help from him. He'd refused to talk with him or even share the same lunch table with him…So what in the hell happened?

When had he started saving his ass? When had he started sparring with him? When did he start to give any semblance of a shit?

It didn't even matter anymore. He cared. He cared about that beansprout. He cared about Allen Walker.

Because Allen Walker had broken down every fucking defense he'd ever mustered up to hide away from the people who'd tried so hard just to see him smile or be social in the least. These people had tried to make him family and failed. Yet, in came Allen Walker; showing the deepest sense of love he'd ever seen and had gone out of his way to protect and comfort him when he was a shell of a person.

A shiver crept over his body and he rolled over on his side, holding Tim in his hands. Timcanpy was Allen's golem. The little annoyance had become almost a pet to him as well. Even if it had no face, he felt like it could convey its feelings in its actions. It was mimicking Allen from the beginning. Every time it clung to him or curled up on him, he was conveying a trust that impersonated what Allen had for him. Would Allen's "love" still remain after he knew that Kanda's memories were restored?

Kanda wasn't so sure himself.

His feet slid from the bed and touched the floor. The dark room was easy to maneuver around since he had next to nothing in it. He didn't hold any value in possessions and he was never in his room so he never bothered keeping things. At that moment, he didn't consider it his room at all anymore. His room was where the white haired exorcist was. He bit his lip as that thought passed through his mind. It was bad for him to keep these thoughts going on in his mind.

It was bad for him to continue to be attached to something.

_Shit. _

This had been easier before, when he could brush off everyone and everything with a "tch" and go train outside. There were pesky emotions attached now. Emotions that weren't anger felt wrong and he was half wondering to himself—as he stood in the middle of his room—if he'd really remembered everything and if everything was really back in place. It all hit him so hard. His vision blacked out for a moment and then he ran straight outside to blindly go crazy on his garden and try to sooth the thoughts pouring in. Ripping plants out of the earth only helped so much until he got back around to the "I love him", line that echoed in his head.

There was no denying who Allen was talking about. Not after his reaction and the context of 'the person not remembering him'. Oh he remembered him now. He remembered details he didn't realize he'd taken in. Stupid shit like how Allen's face mark changed slightly. Or how Allen hair seemed a little less tamed than before. How Allen had seemed to be closer to him in the months before his run in with the Teez. How similar they were. How shitty their childhoods were.

How much they needed each other.

Grinding his teeth, he stared down at the floor. He was suppressing his outburst, but he wanted to break everything to vent these things he'd forced himself against for all of his life. He didn't deserve to be anything but a weapon to be used by a religious organization that didn't care if he was killed over and over. He didn't deserve someone with such a good soul wanting to love him. It was craziness.

But he'd said those words.

He'd single-handedly cracked the mask of cold indifference that was being rebuilt, whether he knew it or not.

Kanda looked down at Timcanpy. It flapped in his hands, as if to tell him what he should do and he knew that Tim wasn't just channeling the beansprout's feelings. It was channeling his now. He'd unwillingly become another master for Tim. He took a step toward his door and stopped. Should he? Should he really encroach on something that didn't need to continue, despite what his inner desires begged him for?

One foot after another led him out of his room. The door shut quietly behind him and he looked around him to see if there were any other forms of life in the large circular walk path.

No one but him.

He trekked several doors down to find the one he'd been familiar with for a while. Timcanpy flapped and lifted from his hand, dropping to the floor and dissolving himself under the crack. That was a useful little ability, but he wondered if this would be considered trespassing? The lock clicked and the concept of breaking and entering vaguely crossed his mind. Tim let him in…so it was okay right?

The door creaked in softly and he slipped into the dark room like he'd been planning to do it all night. In reality, he was simply working on every impulse his body could force him into at that moment. He just wanted to sleep next to Allen, as fuckin corny as that sounded.

Allen didn't have to know yet.

The movement into the room hadn't gone entirely unnoticed and Kanda knew that from the moment he'd stepped in. Allen wasn't a heavy sleeper like one might think. Everyone in the order had to be ready to jump to fight at all given times. The silver haired boy was no exception. So when he rolled over and those silver eyes glinted in the light of the moon, he hadn't been surprised. Allen, however, had clearly been surprised.

"Kanda…"

"I...can't sleep in my room."

A soft look passed Allen's visage and Kanda felt a tiny spot in him die. He knew that spot to be any ability to turn away and dismiss him forever. He'd damned himself. There was a newfound emotion stirring in him. He quickly identified this as guilt.

"You're welcome to sleep with me, you know that."

He put on the best poker face he could muster and—without making any indication that he had all of himself back—he moved toward him and crawled up in the bed with him; taking his usual place, "Thank you, Allen."

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Inb4 Eurythmiic kills me to death because of that. _

_100 reviews, goodness! I'm glad I could please so many. _

_**Dreamless Abyss, IrukaAsato, Marufu-chan, Kawaiiprods, Lotus Seed** Thank you guys! I'm pleased that you're willing to keep on reading as I torture my readers.**  
>WakeToSanity<strong>: I love your reviews, I really do. They make me feel like I'm not actually butchering the dogshit out of Kanda and Allen. Haha. I always saw Kanda as a deep character, but held back by the necessary walls he'd need to keep himself sane. So I wanted to play on that. I guess it worked!**  
>Sayo-chan64:<strong> Oh no! Don't cry, because then I'll end up breaking you to death in future chapters xD I wouldn't say I'm a brilliant writer, I just have some practice~!**  
>EXO718:<strong> Oh I shall be a dick forever more~. Well, at least for a long time more.**  
>Book Thief101<strong>: I'm so likely to make people crazy with the way I end chapters xD No braining me though, I need my frontal lobe to torture Kanda! I sadly have this thing planned so far in advance that ever bit of ambiguousness will be absolutely necessary. This should be fun. I'm glad you enjoy~_

_**And Finally Eurythmiic, my dear moyashi, you are the abusive wind beneath my narcissistic wings. You keep me writing. Keep abusing me, please. **_


	17. Advantage

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Seventeen<em>

Allen's eyes fluttered open some time in the deepest parts of the night—or earliest of the morning, depending on how one looked at it. The few hours of sleep he'd managed had been the best few hours he'd remembered sleeping in a while. He felt fully rested and he didn't even need to be awake and probably would choose to go back to sleep once he'd given himself some time awake to think. Timcanpy's tail rested against his cheek, not far from where Tim himself was sleeping in the crook of Kanda's neck. That body that rested against him was warm and comforting.

_I'm taking advantage of him, _Allen thought bitterly. Part of him felt regret for doing so, but most of him just wanted to enjoy the peace that was shared between he and the other occupant of his bed. He'd been a little surprised that Kanda had come to him that night. After Komui had left, he'd slept poorly for a while before he'd gone to get a small bite to eat and then lock himself in his room once more. It was the turning of that very lock that had jolted him from his in-between state of awake and sleep. The footsteps had been Kanda's without question and he had felt elated by them.

The man didn't seem disturbed by him at all. His black hair ended up all over his chest and he found himself toying with the ends of the dark strands. His hair was silky and neatly trimmed at the edges. Allen loved Kanda's hair. For various reasons, he admired the way it seemed to trail behind him like a shadow…or the way it seemed to accent him in just the perfect way no matter how it was styled.

Allen's pale fingers traced the contours of Kanda's face absently. It was strange the way his mind wrapped around him. It wasn't a lustful attraction that he held…granted, there were times his mind drifted into that direction. It wasn't like Kanda helped curb that much…he had tendencies to come back from battles with all of his clothes from the waist up missing. The younger man wasn't going to deny that his eyes trailed over that body more than a few times. Thankfully, starting fights with the man made it easier to excuse the close proximity required to get the eyeful he subconsciously wanted.

He just didn't realize that's what he'd been doing at the time. After all, normal people don't suddenly realize they're hot for the person they appeared to have this hate-hate relationship with. Allen furiously denied how his heart beat nearly through his chest back when Kanda had come back from the Ark's lost rooms. Well, now he was perfectly accepting to why. It took a long conversation with Lavi and lots of self reflection to come to terms with himself.

He'd give anything to have this every night, forever. It sounded cheesy—even in his head—but it was true. It was because of the situation, that he was abusing the position he was in. If Kanda rejected him and hated him furiously when it all came back, he probably still wouldn't regret opening his heart to him. His internal fear of that was what kept him hoping that it stayed that way for a while longer.

From as early as he could remember, he never had anything he cared about that didn't get ripped from his grasp. For that reason, he was prepared for the absolute worst.

Movement next to him broke his concentration and he turned his head slightly, watching Kanda turn in his sleep. His face moved closer; his cheek pressing flush against his. Warmth spread through his chest and Allen could have sworn he'd just been blessed by some god. The most unlikely of circumstances led to this. He hated Tiki with passions he'd never before had, but almost appreciated the horrid act he'd done on the object of his desires.

Because of that he'd gotten much closer to him.

He turned his head toward the other man's face. His nose touched Kanda's in what could almost be looked at as nuzzling. Brushing the hair out of his face, he pressed his forehead against the other. How Kanda was still sleeping was beyond him, but he was not going to argue the fact. If this was his only chance to be affectionate, he had no problem doing so in the darkness of his room with no witnesses.

Timcanpy didn't seem to disapprove his affections toward his temporary master, and nestled somewhere right between their necks. His faceless body was pressing comfortably against both of them. Tim was clearly content, just like he was content.

A movement against him made him freeze for a moment until he realized that his bed mate was subconsciously returning his small affections. In the month or so of sleeping next to him, Allen had taken note that Kanda's sleep patterns were relatively unguarded with him—as opposed to how he'd seen him sleeping when he wasn't in the bed with him. Either Kanda just felt more protected, or he really did trust Allen.

As Allen's lips hovered just above Kanda's, he wondered if this would be considered breaking of trust. He wasn't going to violate the man or anything, though one could consider this invading personal space to the nth power. He didn't care. Not at that moment. He'd already blurted out his deeper secrets and yet, the man still returned to his bed, curling against him perfectly contently.

Not that Allen was thinking that Kanda should expect to be loved on in his sleep…but he must not have been distraught by Allen's affections. Of course, this meant nothing for the possible scenario of Kanda's memories coming back and him finding himself being hacked into tiny pieces to be shipped to every continent in the world. Risks he was willing to take.

Sudden movement by the swordsman pressed his face closer and their lips touched. He'd already been close enough to feel the warmth of his skin, but this wasn't anything like that. This was possibly the most innocently connected he'd ever felt with someone. Oh how he was breaking his heart harder with every second he let his lips brush the ones opposite of him. When reality would finally decide to kick him in the face…well, he would have to place up his poker face and pretend it wasn't shattering everything he knew.

The other face pressed to his seemed to melt into his. They were pressed warmly together and their breathing became even, air moving as one. He smiled so softly, the only indication that he'd done it was the feel of his lips moving over the other man's. It was strange how well they fit together. Their bodies were shaped to each others in such a way that they seemed like they were supposed to be like this.

Face to face.

Bodies pressed close.

Non-sexually moving as one unit.

That could have just been his imagination, but he thought even their hearts were beating in unison. Shoot, even Timcanpy molded into them like it was by intentional design. He was just being silly, he knew that…but it was a nice change of thought from his mind-shattering fear that he'd permanently scared Kanda away.

He hadn't just yet. He had a bit more time.

Silver eyes slipped closed, but his face remained pressed to the other's. He wasn't ready to let the warm feeling go just yet. His heart steadily thumped in his chest and because of the constant beating, he couldn't hear the other heartbeat matching his own. The drowsiness that took him over made him oblivious to the pair of eyes that cracked open and cast a glance over his moonlit features.

Kanda wasn't asleep either.

Not at all.

His curiosity kept him from making that fact known. He'd very obviously not forgotten what Allen had blurted. He was also very frequently thinking about that. Allen had no issues telling Lavi, apparently, so it was obvious that he wasn't just saying that at random. That beansprout never did anything without putting one hundred percent of himself into it. He admired that about Allen, but he always did wonder if it was such a grand idea for the kid to risk so much of himself for something he wasn't even sure of.

Allen didn't even know he was fully aware of their history.

It led right back to that guilty feeling he was trying to get used to, curling into the pit of his stomach. What would happen if Allen knew? Which Kanda did Allen "love"? That was the part that was eating _him _away. And could Kanda be as open as the soft hearted boy whose face was melting into his own? His natural instinct to shrink away and pretend it didn't exist was an overwhelming one, but he didn't have to pay it any mind as long as he didn't have to be himself.

That couldn't last forever, though.

Allen's arm wrapped over his side and he made no effort to stop the action. They were already bleeding into each other and it felt like it was a temporary veil from the shitty world they lived in anyway. He pressed the side of his nose against Allen's more and breathed softly, blowing warm air between them. His impulses raged through his blood and he felt his entire body scream different commands at him. Some commands demanded he run away, but he didn't want to give up this thing they were in. He was taking advantage of Allen.

Unlike the soft innocent of Allen's nuzzling, Kanda's chaste kiss against his lips struck something deeper. He hadn't intended to actually do it. It just…happened. The comfort they had created had just reached a point where everything seemed okay.

Silver eyes slipped open and he didn't even give a shit that he was caught. Their actions were so clearly purity in its finest. Despite the closeness, despite the way their limbs had tangled, there was nothing but feelings curled around them. If sexual tension ever became apparent, this was one case where it was a result of emotional desire, not the other way around.

Why did that little fool have to break his mind like this? Kanda absently wondered what had brain damaged him more, Tiki's Teez, or Alan Walker's big heart.

Allen's fingers slipped through his hair and he enjoyed the sensation more than he'd ever want to admit. Being so engrossed in someone wasn't something he'd ever truly felt or at least remembered. It was suffocatingly addictive and the prime reason sleep was no longer an easy task when he was by himself. If he wasn't himself, he could have had this. Damned he was to be born the way he was, with the abilities he had. Then again…if he'd been born any other way, he may never have met the silver haired beansprout that had him curled into his bed like a tamed cat.

For some reason, that thought didn't bother him so much. He wasn't _tamed_, per se, but he wasn't resisting. He wasn't turning away that beansprout that had infected him with whatever comfortable disease he'd contracted.

Now it was clear that both of them were wide awake. Neither could really pass off their compromising situation as sleep induced. Lip-locked and opening each other up through their thoughtful gazes. Neither protested when the kiss deepened. Neither protested when Allen's body rolled over Kanda's and covered him like a warm blanket. Fingers interlocked and their hearts beat together even as they both felt a heavy wave of desire wash over and glue them together.

Timcanpy hopped over by Kanda's head and nestled amongst their cascading locks of hair—Kanda's below him and Allen's brushing over him.

They were taking advantage of each other. Somewhere in them, they both knew this. They didn't know the extent, or what purpose; but they could taste the turmoil within each other. They were both a storm of emotions that seemed to thunder at the same time. Allen's guilt was in that he was pressing himself on a man he didn't think knew a damn thing about him. Kanda's guilt was in that he was dissolving into the body above that didn't know his truth.

Both of them stupidly believed it wouldn't last very much longer.

Allen's fingers unlaced from Kanda's and trailed up to his face, caressing his softer features. When his face wasn't scrunched up in that angry scowl, he was gorgeous. Ethereal even. They made fun of his girly face; but he could easily be considered the most handsome person many people would meet. His caressing hand was covered by the larger, rougher hand of the body below.

A tremble slipped through his body and Allen's kiss intensified by desperation. His breath covered their mouths when he pulled away. Soft whispers fell from his lips as he apologized for his forwardness. He felt somewhat ashamed of himself. He felt somewhat satisfied. He felt something of everything and nothing at all and he didn't even know anymore! Nothing made sense!

"I…" He started so quietly that anyone else would have to literally be inches from his mouth to hear him. "I…didn't…Well…I meant…I meant what I said." It wasn't like he needed to admit it; it had been so obvious he could punch his own face through a mirror. But he wanted the words to go straight to the person they belonged to. Not an accidental slip of the tongue that could have looked like it was unwanted things he was feeling. "I do love you."

If Kanda had any hope left at all to break the threads tying him to Allen, he'd lost them then. If Allen loved him as he was, then what need did he have to change?

"Please remember me," Allen whispered against his lips.

Something broke inside the dark haired man.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Good ol turmoil. Prepare for a fun r__ide. In case you hadn't noticed. I like to drag thing out for reader torturing purposes. You are all my victims~_

_**Dreamless Abyss:** I update about every other day now. I'm have an entirely different plan for these two than the usual fic I see floating around. Kanda is a logical person after all. When he wants something, he wants and gets.~**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> I hope I don't slip too far out of in-character. Unfortunately for poor BaKanda, his emotions are still out of control. Building between them and reforming his character is a challenge, but a fun one! Be sure to let me know if I slip in an unforgiveable direction.**  
>EXO718:<strong> Can you blame Kanda~? I'd love Allen's attentions too. xD**  
>Kawaiiprods:<strong> Many thanks :3 I've still got a lot of ways to go and many chapters to use to top the previous ones. I may kill my poor muse with anticipation.**  
>Kayce Hurd:<strong> Well, I'm just stating facts now. Tim is seme. The end.**  
>Lotus Seed:<strong> I love every comment I receive. They're my fuel! Once I get started on something, I'm likely to stick to it as well!  
>And thank you to: <strong>Darker Than Black12, BookThief101, Animeloverx175, and marufu-chan<strong> for the kind reviews!_

_**And most importantly, my muse: Eurythmiic**. Now, just because Allen kindasortaalilbit topped here, doesn't mean you're toppin' me. You are MIEN.  
><em>


	18. Complications

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Eighteen<em>

"Come on…again!"

The command was followed by another swift fist aimed directly at the speaker. The movements were solid, strong and rekindled from the messy form he'd had before. There were still certain moments where the Japanese man would lose his balance and take a dive, but they were few and far between now. His footwork was light and quick and his flexibility seemed to be back up to the bar he'd had before. The only concern that Allen had lingering in his mind related to the strange twitching that he'd taken note of on Kanda's right side—most particularly in his arm.

He'd seen it in the way the man pulled his punches when it flared up. Brief, fleeting looks of recognition seemed to flit over those dark eyes and Allen knew it wasn't just him seeing things. He'd been too close to Kanda not to see the small changes now. They'd woken up that morning, face to face and heart to heart. There wasn't much that Kanda could hide. Something wasn't right with him.

"Are you alright?"

That pale fist crashed against his open palm and he almost reeled back from the force. The twitching set in and Kanda's arm slacked with feigned intention and he moved back in another preparation for attack. That was how he was playing it off like it didn't exist. He simply pretended he was going through the motions over again. A typical Kanda action. "I'm fine, Allen."

The sound of his name made Allen's heart skip a beat. He'd wanted to be called that by Kanda for a long time, but now it just sounded bitter. Not bitter in tone, but bitter to his ears. He no longer had the taste for his own name on that pretty tongue. There was a pet name he'd been given specially that he wanted to hear again. Blocking another fist, Allen inspected every aspect of Kanda's face and expressions that moved over them.

That man should have been disturbed.

He should have been creeped out by Allen's constant affections.

But he'd taken it in stride and even walked the same steps with Allen that very morning…the morning after Allen had stupidly let himself get entirely too personal with him. He wasn't going to be stupid and ignore how good it felt to have that closeness, but it was also dangerous for both of them. Kanda responded and even initiated what Allen would call the probable first _real_ kiss of both their lives. Allen's memories held the same sort of restraint he knew Kanda to live in. He couldn't think of a time when he would have ever been comfortable kissing someone and so he never did.

Until that.

All that had done was made him want more. It was like tug of war with his heart strings. Some of him wanted to take Kanda and just go for it, some of him wanted to hold the man down and beat the rest of his memories back so he could get the eventual suffering out of the way.

"Hey Allen, I think we should try to get him to invoke his innocence," Lavi's friendly voice sailed through the air. He was in current possession of Mugen, much to Kanda's inward dismay. "He might be manly enough to handle it now~" He teased.

Kanda stopped and frowned at the redhead. It took every ounce of willpower not to leap at the annoying brat and take back his Mugen. He wanted that sword in his hand so bad he could feel his arm pulsing for it alongside the annoying twitch that he was starting to believe he conjured up over his guilt infested mental state. "I could put your face into the floor with my bare hands. I don't need a weapon for you."

"So scary~. So you don't want Mugen back?"

With his hand out expectantly, he let his personality leak out on accident, "Give it, motherfucker."

Kanda didn't see it, but from the corner of his eye, Lavi saw the starting smile on Allen's face. That brusque tone of Kanda's was a familiarity that he'd been wanting back for quite a long time. But even though he saw the smile, he didn't miss the melancholy that had crept into Allen's eyes. He could only blindly guess what had happened between them after the shocking accidental confession. All he knew was that he'd met the two of them as they _both_ exited Allen's room. There didn't seem to be much tension between them either. His all seeing eye had taken quick note of how neither of them seemed to notice that their hands were touching as they stood side by side. Or that Timcanpy was sitting his body on Kanda's shoulder, with his tail stretched out to Allen's shoulder.

At first his mind drifted over the kinds of thoughts that he wouldn't voice if there was a lady present…But the way they seemed to co-exist didn't appear to have any sort of sexual feelings attached. Lavi wasn't stupid. He had seen that glitter in Allen's eyes every time he was watching Kanda. That was originally why he pressed the teen into opening up and letting it out. What he hadn't taken into account was the possibility that Kanda might actually respond positively to it. That was why he'd told Allen not to get attached…

All things considered, there was still the very real possibility that Kanda would snap out of the delusion and break Allen like a twig, physically and mentally. Yet…somehow, he wasn't picturing that all too clearly in his mind. Perhaps it was the way he was sensing something false in the way Kanda was acting. He knew every detail of that pretty face. He knew the details of how he moved—his hands always fisted when he walked, whether intentional or by habit, and how he also walked with a sway that radiated his self confidence while remaining passive. His eyes were always critical. His expression was always just short of anger, yet perfectly passive to the point of even being dismissive.

Those were things he'd not seen in Kanda since the "accident". However, he saw traces of them—restrained as they seemed—all throughout the impromptu training session they'd decided on. He didn't want to draw conclusions, but even the way the words slipped off his tongue seemed to perfectly portray the Kanda they were most familiar with. How had Allen not seen it?

"Hey!"

Lavi pushed a smile into his cheeks and stood up with gusto. "Here you go, Yuu!" He grinned, tossing Mugen across the training room to Kanda. This would confirm one thing or another for him. _Let's see you move. _

Without missing a beat, Kanda's arm shot out and his fingers curled instinctively around the hilt of the sword that could almost be looked at as an extension of his own body. His eyes sent promises of pain to Lavi and that green eye challenged him back for a moment. A moment seemed to pass by between them that made Kanda's skin crawl. He should have known that Lavi was not easy to trick and he'd already busted himself. Until that particular moment, he'd not been given a chance to actually openly wield Mugen. That he had flawlessly captured the thrown weapon and unsheathed it in the same practiced, fluid motion was severely incriminating to eye of a person who could spot differences in the tiniest of details. He hadn't stood a chance of getting through the day without him noticing.

He scoffed at Lavi and turned his head to escape the eye contact that was causing that strange unnerving twitch to come back. That was going to drive him crazy, if everything else didn't.

Allen provided the perfect opportunity for distraction, "Are you ready to try invoking Mugen?"

He nodded silently, in order to avoid saying anything else that could dig his hole deeper. He wasn't exactly too thrilled to be training in an open room with Lavi watching over him like a hawk. No one was going to leave him be anyway, after his stupid stunts he'd pulled when his mind was still in dozens of conflicting pieces. But…did it really have to be Lavi, if Allen was already with him? The only person he actually gave a real shit about was Allen anyway.

_Beansprout, I wonder what you're thinking?_

"Innocence…activate!" He put everything he'd recollected in his mind into the familiar action of turning Mugen's power switch into the on position. What he hadn't been prepared for was the ungodly shock that curled through the hand that was holding Mugen. The sword was fully activated, yes, but he felt like he was on fire from head to toe and everything seemed to be pulsing directly into his skull. "Ahhhgnn."

"Kanda?"

Pain trickled through the tips of his fingers and seized his right side until he couldn't move his arm without feeling like he literally having his elbow socket drilled out. Trembles snaked through the other side of his body and his legs just stopped working. He let go of the sword just before he collapse in a heap on the training room floor. The glow of Mugen died down and he stared at the weapon catatonically. What in the hell had just happened? Did his innocent just reject him?

No.

It had invoked just fine, it just hurt him so much to maintain even the smallest amount of time with it…but why? He had all of his memories back…not like he could really admit to that without the trouble that would follow.

_Shit. I can't keep my eyes open. _

He heard voices but they were both bleeding into each other and he couldn't make out what the words were. Not sure if he was feeling pain at all, he moved his twitching arm. When another wave of searing ache ran up his nerves, he concluded he was still in pain. His stupid brain just wasn't properly connecting pain sensors. Of course, no one had considered there would be any issues with those spots of his brain, but he was sure thinking about it then.

A wave of nausea came over him and pressed down on him so suffocatingly tight that he didn't know if he could breathe easily anymore. Without even realizing he'd closed his eyes, he jumped up into a sitting position and glanced around frantically trying to fill his lungs with much needed oxygen. The world kept on spinning uncomfortably. His hand moved over his face and he found himself resting his head into the hand, propped up on his leg. "Augh."

"Hey, if you're gonna throw up, let me know. I'll grab a bucket or something."

"Fuck off," he blurted, trying to get his bearings and not lose that semblance of a breakfast he had picked at. He was growing more pissed off by the second about the fact that Mugen had practically told him to fuck off until it was ready to cooperate. Without Mugen, he was even more useless than if he'd had his entire brain sucked out his ears.

"Glad to see you're back to normal."

Kanda's heart stopped in his chest and it was not a good combination with the fact that he felt like his insides were rearranging themselves. "The fuck are you talking about?" He feigned. It wasn't a good attempt at all, but he didn't want to sit there and let his control over the situation slip through his fingers without any effort at all.

"Cut it out, Yuu. You're not that good of an actor when I'm watching. And I've been paying close attention to you."

That little guilty twitch remained through his nerves. "Go the fuck away. Where's Allen?"

"You mean, where's _beansprout_?" The redhead received a heated glare. "He went to go get Komui when you started writhing in pain on the floor. I wonder why your innocence lashed out like that. Your memories are clearly back. But I have to say, it's pretty terrible of you to play pretend like this."

"You understand nothing."

"I understand a lot. A lot more than you do. You're toying with Allen."

"Like I said," Kanda gritted slowly, wanting to silence him in any way he could possibly make it happen. "You understand nothing."

"I understand that Allen's head over heels about you and you're stringing him along. I tried to tell him to stop it, but he didn't listen. You're just going to break him. If you hate him that much, then tell him to his face and be done with it. Don't do this crap when his guard his own. He's spent a lot of time trying to help you get better. He doesn't deserve your vengeance streak."

"You may have your head wrapped around ever book in the world, but you're still a fucking idiot. The one who's breaking isn't beansprout, it's _me_. You. Goddamn. Nosy. Idiot."

Lavi gaped at him momentarily; his accusatory gaze dropped when he realized the meaning of the words that had tumbled out of the normally reserved person before him. The look that had etched into Kanda's face wasn't actually the anger he was trying to pass it off as. It was almost a helpless look that Lavi couldn't even explain. In fact, now he never could explain anything pertaining to Yuu's emotions, because it was becoming very apparent he wasn't nearly as single sided as he'd always been. "Yuu…don't tell me…"

"Stay the fuck out of my business and I won't fold you in half. Breathe a word to beansprout and you'll be realizing you're dead after you're already in _hell_. This is our problem. It's bad enough he's already spilled his guts to _you_ and complicated this."

"You're the one complicating it now."

Kanda grabbed the front of Lavi's shirt and pulled him close, ignoring every searing throb that wracked his skull, "Just shut up and leave it be."

Lavi's expression held no contempt, but he felt a little but of it deep down for the decisions the man threatening his life was acting out. "I won't say anything. But this is wrong. Even for you and no one is really surprised when you act like a cold insufferable bastard. This takes the cake, however."

Just as the grip loosened on his collar, Allen's voice traveled through the training room. "Kanda? Kanda are you okay?"

Lavi whispered hastily before Allen was able to make it back over to them with Komui in tow, "he cares about you. If you hurt him intentionally, I will find ways to hurt you back."

Kanda merely scoffed, knowing and hating that Lavi was right. But how the hell could he just come out and say, 'oh, I think I remembered everything!' Clearly, something was still wrong with him and he needed to sort that out on top of his emotional instability and the constant fear of rejection that was searing through him. He didn't even understand why this fear was building.

Allen had confessed to wanting him to remember him.

That meant Allen loved all of him. So what the fuck was he gaining by hiding?

Actually, the answer hit him the moment Allen's body pressed closer to his in what was probably seen as simply support. The comfort that seeped between them was more than just a casual touch. It was personal. It was not just physical support to help him up and get him to the infirmary. It was emotional support.

If he came clean, there was a possibility he would lose the ability to be that close to him. He'd be sleeping in his own room again. Alone. They would be split on missions again. He could possibly go months without any real contact with Allen. That thought made the nausea return. Mainly due to the fact that it conflicted with his inability to believe he was worth being loved and the fact that he didn't know how to express anything even remotely heartfelt.

He wasn't emotionally ready for this illusion to shatter yet.

He also had no idea how to be loved by someone.

If everything came out in the open, he would be faced full on with both of those things.

And he wasn't sure which of the two shook him more.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Trust me, I know where I'm going with this, bear with me as I string you readers along like puppets. ...now dance for me._

_jk_

_**Fallen Angel Of The Forgotten: **Oh I'm evil, you should see what plans I have in my head and the direct comparison to how much it'll make my reader squirm. My muse'll probably beat me with a stick_  
><em><strong>MechanicDreams: <strong>I'm glad it brings you some joy. Apparently-from what I've heard- this fandom is overrun with AU kinda stuff, I've never really read much fanfiction myself XD figures. _  
><em><strong>Marufu-chan: <strong>Once I start a chapter, it just falls out, so updating is just that easy XD_  
><em><strong>WakeToSanity:<strong> I wanted to present love before lust as I gather the lust thing usually comes first in stories. I've found my most heart to heart moments with people are more like last chapter was. _  
><em><strong>IrukaAsato: <strong>They are such silly boys XD They need swift boots to the head!_  
><em><strong>Girru: <strong>Well I'm glad it's not too OOC. It's hard to work with this kinda development and not screw it up. :D I'm on the right track from what everyone's tellin meh. _  
><em><strong>Lotus Seed: <strong>Thank you~! I'm glad you enjoyed it!_  
><em><strong>sayo-chan64: <strong>I suppose being a homosexual myself makes this a little easier XD I've been writing for like 15 years, that helps too. I'm glad I can brighten your day c:_**  
><em>Kayce Hurd: <em>**_Thanks!_  
><em><strong>kawaiiprods: <strong>Why thank you. even if this thing is riddled with typos galore XD_  
><em><strong>EXO718: <strong>I can't tell you, but this is all a set up to the scene I've been writing in my head since this started. So It'll be worth all of Kanda's frustrating stupidity. _

_**And Finally, to my muse, Eurythmic: **I tease you so hard because I lav yew. However, I will break you with my future chapters and you will be panting like a puppy with joy. Prepare your body._


	19. Damned

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Nineteen<em>

"Innocence activate!"

"Take it easy Kanda, you're going to stress yourself too much," Komui's voice warned, attempting to keep the amount of damage created on his body to a minimum. Pain flickered throughout his body and twisted harshly through his spine. Relatively, the pain was weak; at least in comparison to the pain he'd first experienced. That was insufferably harsh. He'd felt the loose nerve endings shuddering torturously for hours. This was nothing compared to...that, but it wasn't pleasant.

"Mugen is mine. I should be able to use it, right?" He huffed and dragged the sword's tip on the ground, trying to move with it. He honestly felt like his entire body was being electrocuted in small doses every time he tried to perform any actual attacks with it. What was keeping him from working with it? Komui had the nurse do a full work up on him and he'd gone back to see Hevlaska once his body stopped going through spasms from the first invocation. Both were completely inconclusive to whatever the hell was holding him back.

_Have I lost connection with my innocence? _

"Kanda?"

That was beansprout's voice. He numbly glanced over at Allen, whose eyes held that deep, unwavering concern that made his insides twist strangely. He hated that feeling so much and yet, it wasn't unpleasant. It was foreign and confusing and he wasn't supposed to care about things like this. He was there to do one thing, fight Akuma and find a person that haunted his hazy memories. This wasn't something he was prepared for.

"Kanda!"

That voice rang again in his ears…closer than before. Blinking slowly, he realized he was no longer in a vertical position. Under his neck—supporting him—was the beansprout's arm. Allen was leaned over the older man, inspecting the details of his face. Kanda had no idea how he'd ended up nearly laid out on the floor and it showed in the way his brows furrowed and his mouth gaped slightly when his eyes came to focus and glanced around. The sword he'd been trying to reacquaint with lay next to him, just out of his fingers' reach. He'd dropped it and he didn't know when or why. It was like he'd blinked and the whole scene changed.

"Are you okay? You just dropped like you lost control of your body. Maybe you should take a break for now?"

Kanda simply nodded. He didn't seem to have the energy to fight it, even if he wanted nothing more than to sit there and practice with that damn sword until it worked like it was supposed to. There was no reason for this disconnection with Mugen…unless his emotional state was causing it to react against him. If that was the case…then Mugen would take a long time before it worked properly for him again.

"Komui, we'll try again tomorrow?"

"Yes, he should rest for the night. He'd already pushed it more than I would have liked."

The subject of the conversation was a bit surprised and almost let out a startled "what the hell!" when his body was lifted from the ground. For being such a shrimp, Allen had a tendency to prove that he was quite strong. A momentary flair of embarrassment invaded his face—however—when he noted that the beansprout was carrying him in his arms and he could do next to nothing about it because he'd stupidly fried his nerves. If he'd been in his right mind, he'd have bit the kid or something for putting him in such a ridiculous situation. He was almost tempted to just because.

His mean streak hadn't dissolved, it seemed.

Perhaps he had changed in the process to re-growing his damn brain; but ultimately, he was the same cold person he'd realized he hated. He was serious about the amount of harm he'd inflict on Lavi if he told on him. He'd looked these people straight in the face and lied without faltering. He never pinned himself a liar, but apparently he was somewhat good at it. The twitch returned to his arm, much to his distain.

"I'm tired," he admitted against his inward desire.

"Well, you've been training…to some degree since early. I'm sure what happened this morning didn't help you. Really, I should have stopped you after that, but you've made tons of progress."

"Have I, though?"

"Huh?" Allen's eyes cast down and he stopped momentarily to gauge Kanda's tone and expression. Those dark eyes were hidden behind feathered hair and shadowed by the fabric of Allen's shirt.

"I can't even hold that sword without it trying to hurt me."

"Well, you kind of had a lot happen, you know? Nothing was scarier than bringing you back with an empty head—emptier than usual anyway," Allen laughed and it was infectious. If Kanda thought he could laugh without feeling like it was some kind of crime to his own face, he might have chuckled a little.

Kanda hadn't been paying much attention to where they were going. His face remained pressed into the white shirt. It kept the guilt from practically dancing in his eyes. Not that he thought it would be that easy to read guilt from a look, but he felt exposed. Thankfully, Lavi had gone to the library for a while and left him to Allen and Komui for a while. Komui was there to take notes on his responses and from what he'd seen; it didn't appear like there were anymore physical issues.

The lack of causes somewhat worried Allen. If there were no physical problems, then what was stopping him from picking up Mugen and owning it? Was it because he lacked proper memories to resonate with it the same as before? He sure didn't know. He had a parasitic type, not an equipment type.

Shaking his head, he leaned carefully to open the door to his room. Timcanpy floated in first and he entered it with Kanda still slack in his arms. The lack of movement by the taller man also seemed too strange. It gave him a docile air that contradicted the usual stubborn storm that raged around him. He liked Kanda either way, he found. He enjoyed the gentle company of the other body, but he also enjoyed the rough conflict they brewed when fists started flying.

He wondered when he'd see the full extent of that brutish anger come back. It was already peeking through when Lavi was around.

"You should rest for a little bit and then we can go get something for dinner. Jerry seems to miss seeing you come in for your 'usual'. Tiedoll leaves again tomorrow, so he said something about seeing you before he goes."

"If he gives me another sweater, I'll bite him," Kanda put on an exasperated face.

Allen chuckled heartily and set him down gently on his bed. Looking down, he couldn't help but feel warmth spread in his chest. That defiant spark just made him happy. He couldn't deny the desire to lean down and kiss that masculine, yet gorgeous man. Restraint was harder after what they'd shared before.

And that retrained gaze didn't go unnoticed at all. Kanda shifted uncomfortably, trying to keep his face from reflecting just how bothered Allen's desire filled gaze made him. He was lying in Allen's bed and for the first time, it occurred to him just how personal that really was. This was beansprout's personal retreat he had been living in.

"I'm sorry," the words fell out before he could even attempt to catch himself. At first, he didn't even realize he'd spoken them at all. It wasn't until the sound hit it own ears that he understood what he'd done. He'd apologized—honestly apologized—and from his true self. The bastard that never gave a thought to the things he did to others. It didn't wound his pride as much as he thought it would, but he didn't know if that was because Allen wasn't looking at _him_, but rather the person that Allen thought was turning into him.

A gentle, yet calloused hand, brushed his hair from his face. "For what?"

"For doing this to you." There was no elaboration to follow. If he started, he didn't know if he could stop himself from coming clean right there. Guilt had never been something he was good at dealing with. If his past was any comparison the amount of daggers he'd imbedded into his soul. At least he could truly apologize for the person he was hurting this time.

"You've done nothing wrong. Well, aside from being a jerk in the past. That's just how you are though."

_Just how I am, huh? _

"Do you like that?"

Confused silver eyes blinked owlishly, "Hm?"

"Do you like that I'm insufferable? I've been nothing but hateful to you…according to what I've gathered."

Allen pulled up the chair in his room and took a seat, leaning his elbows on the bed so that he could comfortably continue the discussion. "I don't think you're hateful. Not intentionally anyway. Then again, I'm used to my Master being a real ass. Some people show their emotions that way. I know you care in your way. If you didn't, then you wouldn't have stayed behind by yourself to fight that Noah."

The swordsman wanted to tear his eyes away from Allen's, but he remained fixed on that gaze. Ten different things to say ran through his mind, but for some reason…he settled on the one he was least likely to want to say. "You're asking to be hurt."

"Am I? Yeah, probably."

"Then why?"

"Because you won't pull your punches. You won't lie to me like that. I trust if you wanted me to leave you alone forever, you'd come out and either say it, or knock my block off. And I'm perfectly okay with either."

Weighing his options, after a moment of silence Kanda finally replied. "You're either hopelessly smitten or extremely stupid."

"Perhaps a little of each. You don't make it easy on me now, let alone how you'll be later, when you remember this conversation amongst everything else."

"How do you know that you won't have changed me?"

"I'm not naive enough to delude myself into believing things like that. I've seen too many people leave me to give myself hope."

"You really have lost everything precious to you…if you're clinging to me."

Silver eyes widened and he wondered if that was any sort of hint that Kanda was remembering events they'd been through together. During their first mission, Allen had told him that he had lost everything that was important. He lived for the moment and tried to right what was wrong as long at it was in front of him.

He knew better; if Kanda had remembered much at all of how they were, he would have closed up and stopped speaking to him or he would have spit the venom that his words tended to be. "I guess that makes me a masochist. You're the only person, aside from Master, that didn't treat me like a child or a fragile doll."

"How many times can you break before you become a fragile doll, though?"

"What?"

A hand pressed into the left side of Allen's chest. He could feel the pulsing blood through that body and the warmth that seeped between his fingers. "If I don't personally hurt you, then I will hurt you when my body can no longer support me."

"W…what do you mean?"

He was about to dispel information that he'd only told very few about—so few, in fact, that he could count them on one hand and most of them were on another continent. "The mark on my chest isn't decoration. It's a seal. When the seal spreads and the black covers the symbol, then my body will stop healing and I will die. You're setting yourself up to have another person disappear."

_I'm pushing him away. _

_I'm pushing him away. _

_Why. _

_WHY. _

_This feels wrong. Like I'm lying, but I'm not. _

Glossy eyes hovered very close to his. He could clearly see the pain behind them. Information like that wasn't easy to bear for anyone. It was like being told your most precious person had tuberculosis. "I'll support you anyway. Every day is a gamble to survive. I'm pretty good at gambling. Even if I cheat a little."

"…even still. Even being told that. You still… You are an idiot!" Kanda's voice rose a bit and he was just short of shouting at Allen. It wasn't exactly anger, but frustration. He was trying to make this easier on both, but they were too tangled in it now.

"Haha, yeah. I've been told that a few times. You've let me know a handful of times yourself."

_Open your mouth._

_Tell him you remember._

_Make this stop now. _

_You're damned if you don't. _

_Damned eternally. _

His inner voice was painfully ignored. His sense of reason followed it. No words came from him, but his arms moved up. He was watching his own movements as though he was in third person. Nothing seemed to shake the strange out of body experience he'd started. When his fingers brushed the scar on Allen's face, he couldn't stop it. When he pulled Allen down towards him, to be met with the same intent, his arms wrapped around that warm body and he embraced the stupid fool like he was the last person left.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Time restraints prevent me from personally thanking everyone, but thank you for all the compliments guys! I'm excited to be getting this far with it. I've already planned a sequel and a subsequent prequel as well as I'll be participating on Yullen Week coming up. The support has been motivating to say the least!_

_This chapter was necessary for the next chapters, so be expecting more in the future chapters as I move this beast along. _


	20. Desire

**Brain Damage**_  
>Part Twenty<em>

A subtle rustling in the sheets stirred the occupant to a state of consciousness. The movement was small and centered somewhere near his neck. After a moment of confusion, he realized it was just the golem that stalked him daily. Exhaling a breath, he turned in the bed and found the golem fluttering almost in his face. "Timcanpy…what are you doing?" He groaned through his extreme grogginess. He couldn't actually remember when sleep overtook him; just that at some point it obviously had.

He put his hand over Timcanpy and made the golem still. Black hair spilled all along the bed and he groaned. Brushing that would be a nightmare. Normally, he had it tied back, braided, or at least pulled out from under him so as to avoid rolling all over it. Slipping off into the world of sleep had prevented him from doing any of those things.

Eyes trailed up the long snaking locks and found another pair of eyes that were watching him. It almost startled him to see the way he was being watched. His movements must have woken his bedmate—though he wasn't sure when they'd rolled into their usual nighttime sleeping positions, "Allen?"

A hand reached out to brush the side of his face and a shudder moved down his spine. Something wasn't right about the way it felt and the strange glint in the beansprout's eyes was unsettling. Even in the dim room, he could see changes in Allen's visage. His eyes were half-lidded and the way his lips turned up at the corner on one side was simply…eerie. "Did you sleep well?"

Words hung, stick in his throat. A thread of fear crept into his mind when his brain rolled over the memories he'd not paid any attention to. There was a Noah lurking in Allen Walker. The subtle glint of gold flecked in those silver eyes and the hand touching his face was darker than he'd remembered Allen's skin to be. Still, he had no ready response.

"Did I disturb you?" The bed sunk and rose with the change of position of Allen's body. That lithe body moved closer—over him—peering down at him with that unnatural grin. It didn't belong on Allen. It wasn't Allen.

Kanda finally found his voice, "who are you?"

"Who am I? I'm Allen, of course," he mused, his face moving down against Kanda's—lips pressing into the soft flesh and moving down to the paralyzed man's neck.

"Liar," spilled from a hitched voice, moving his face away from Allen's in what protest he could give. His last encounter with a Noah had left him in a very bad position; he didn't want that to happen again when it was Allen who would suffer for it.

"I'm the liar?" Dark chuckles vibrated against his exposed skin. "That makes two of us, darling."

Swallowing uncomfortably, Kanda assessed his situation. It was clear that the Noah had taken over Allen in his state of unconsciousness. He was trapped beneath him—both of those arms were spread on each side of his head and he could feel the pressure of those legs on each side of his hips—holding him in place by a force he didn't think existed in that lithe form. Timcanpy flailed once more. The Noah's gold-glittered eyes turned toward the golem. "What's wrong, Timcanpy? Do I upset you?"

Timcanpy's wings flattened at the hand that pulled it closer. Tim was placed right between them, flush against the naked skin of Kanda's collarbone. He nestled there and seemed to stick to him like he was protecting something. Even Timcanpy was acting strange.

"He's taken so well to you," the silky voice went on, whispering hotly into his ear; fingers running along his neck, leaving lines from how his nails lightly dug into his flesh. His teeth pressed down, biting into the upper part of his neck that met his jaw. Kanda bit his lip to keep his breath from escaping him and leaving any sounds that would incriminate him. He had no idea what to do in that situation. It wasn't Allen, but the touches were so familiar that he almost itched to return every brush of those finger tips.

"What's wrong, darling? Do my touches not…excite you?" Another bite into his skin made him jump. His head was turned back forward by Allen's calloused Innocence hand. "Do you not want this body?" The Noah brushed lips against Kanda's, speaking in tantalizing octaves, "It desires you. He longs for you. Kan-da~."

Through half-closed eyes, the dark haired man moved his face just free of the other. "Does he or do you, Noah? I can play games with you all day."

A slightly crazed look flickered across Allen's face and he forced the man below into a bruising kiss. Open mouth and crushing, he dominated the protesting swordsman. His tanned fingers tangled in the dark hair and brushed along his scalp hotly. The flickers of delight that spread between them were almost more than he could bear. It was with great effort that he didn't simply force that familiar body below into more. "Can you? You have so much conflict," he breathed nearly erotically, "it's delightful. It's simply prurient…" His wet tongue lavishly trailed over parted lips.

"Give Allen back."

"Is that a demand?" The smile could almost been seen in his eyes, breathing hot air over the adjacent mouth.

"It's a polite request, Noah. I have nothing you desire. If your goal is to take over Allen's body to harm me, then save yourself the trouble, because he's not going to break over that."

"Harm you? I don't wish to harm you. I wish to tease you." He nipped at his ear. "I wish to pleasure you." His tongue flickered against the cartilage. "I wish to make you shudder with the delight you've been missing. Don't you want that?" Looking down through dark curled hair, the Noah found enjoyment in the hazy, unfocused eyes that bored into him from below. "Don't you want that?" His voice was husky and sex-laced with intent. Their eyes were locked in a trance of desire.

The Noah's fingers drug down that neck, lines trailing down the chest he exposed with every freed button. His attention returned to those bruised lips, his tongue sliding against the other's—battling for the lead. The gold splashed eyes that looked up at him filled him with something more than lust. "Remember, my precious..."

The long-haired victim of the Noah fisted the sheets, trying to retain what little control and focus he could. He felt like his control was being unwired and he was being forced to simply watch the Noah take advantage of him. Despite his boasts, Allen _would_ lose his mind if the Noah succeeded. He didn't want to see Allen pained because he couldn't fight back against the dark skinned bastard.

His body wanted to respond in kind, as if by instinct…but his mind wanted to choke the shit out of him until Allen resurfaced. He wanted that innocent embrace back. Not the hot hands of a being that showed no remorse.

"Allen…"

"He's asleep, darling. It's just you and I, once more. Don't you remember?"

"Allen…" He shuddered, gritting his teeth as their bodies pressed closer together. He sucked for air, his lungs screaming for relief. He didn't know when he started holding his breath, but he started to feel his heart thumping hard in his chest too. Focus became harder and harder the more those lips teased him.

_I feel like I've felt this before. _

"Stop."

"Why? You want it just as much…" Hands caressed Kanda's body in ways he didn't want from that person. Those fingers were like sparks of magic trailing over his muscles, pressing into his body, into his soul and touching on things deep within him that screamed to be let loose. His own hands moved from their knuckle busting grip on the sheets.

_Fuck. _

_Stop. _

"You think you can satisfy me?" The whisper tore through his throat before he was aware he'd even thought of the words. Everything felt searing hot. Electric need whispered through his body and he was moments from giving in. The only thing keeping him within his own control was his refusal to back down to a Noah. The Noah bastards had already taken too much from him. His life—a few times with regeneration taken into consideration—his mental stability, and people he cared about in some way or another. He would not bow before the supposed destroyer of time. He didn't care if the Noah had the ability to fold him in half; he wasn't a tool to be used by a crazed personality living within his beansprout.

That hot mouth crashed over his once more and he melted against it. The feel of the slick tongue on his was foreign yet familiar. The warmth of the very human body was intoxicating yet repulsive. If he wanted this, then he wanted it from the body as it was meant to be. Allen's body. The Noah pulled back to breathe, licking the edges of his mouth. That was Allen's mouth and that would be how he wanted it.

"Beansprout," he whispered softly, against the lips brushing his.

He got the desired result when he saw the golden eyes flicker and blink rather heatedly. Somewhere inside that head, Allen was reawakening. Allen wanted to hear that word from him; he knew it was the one way to pull him back. "Beansprout," he repeated and the Noah's head dropped into the pillow just beside his head—their faces pressed cheek to cheek. Kanda could hear his erratic pants as he was losing control. "Come back."

Long moments passed and the erratic breathing became steadier until it fell into rhythm with Kanda's. The heartbeat that was evening out and flushed skin moved against his. It came as a slight surprise to him when pale hands reached to caress his face. Soft eyes returned to him and he reveled in the lack of gold. His beansprout was back in his own mind.

"Kanda…I…" Allen started, suddenly aware of just how close they were and in a position that didn't look or feel too innocent. Somehow, in the midst of their sleep, his dream had played into reality. The flushed feel of Kanda's face attested to the fact that he hadn't _just_ moved over him like that. The bruised lip and apparent bite marks in the older man's skin had told the whole story and he felt so much embarrassment that he was afraid he might die while looking down at him. Dreaming of Kanda calling him _beansprout_ had woken him up from his sleep induced near-molestation act. "I…didn't mean to—"

A finger pressed his lips and he silenced extremely quickly. "I could have stopped you, but I didn't."

Allen panted slightly, his mind wrapping around the position they were still in. He was straddling Kanda's hips, leaned over him rather provocatively. He felt disgustingly like one of the whores he'd seen fawning on his master. "…Why? Why didn't you?"

"Because…I don't know," he lied through his teeth. He couldn't tell Allen that the Noah bastard inside him had practically attempted rape on him. Not that he would have ever gotten that far before Kanda truly did fight back, but the concept was there. The intention was stirring inside the monster lurking within the angel that was Allen Walker.

"I'm sorry…" The younger exorcist's mind lingered over the single fact that Kanda would bludgeon him to death when his memories filtered back in. "I'm…I didn't mean to…"

"Stop apologizing."

Allen realized very awkwardly that Kanda's hands were clasped tightly around his wrists, holding him in place. Another wave of uncertain panic trickled through his system. "If…you'll let me go, I'll…I can get off you."

"If I let you go, you'll run out, won't you?"

The look on his face spelled "guilty as charged". It was actually cruel of him to deny Allen his chance to run. He'd run away just the same and Allen allowed it, but this was a slightly different situation and he wanted to keep Allen in his clutches until he was certain the Noah bastard was safely tucked deep inside the recesses of the beansprout's mind.

His face was an interesting shade of pink; flushed from the 'unconscious' actions and flushed from embarrassment, Kanda could assume. Some part of him didn't want Allen to feel so humiliated. It really was not his fault. He had looked so guilty when he came back into his mind. His eyes had grazed over the marks he was sure were there. They would be gone shortly, anyway. He'd shifted uncomfortably, light of breath and skin hot to the touch.

He looked tantalizing like that, for some reason beyond the older man's ability to explain to himself.

Absently he pulled Allen back down to him, guiding the younger man's mouth right to his. It wasn't the cruel brutality the Noah delivered, but something more sensual and sweet. Capturing each other's mouth, they breathed together. Lip-locked and oblivious to anything outside of sizzling touches, they forgot the reasons they held back. Fingers anxiously pulled at clothing and bodies shifted together heatedly.

_Allen, stop this. He'll never forgive you. _A voice trickled into Allen's mind, but those digits pressed seductively into his skin and he lost his train of thought. He needed to stop. He needed fresh air, a cold shower…something. Anything. Anything but what his body…and mind were screaming for. If he took advantage of this now, then he would ruin everything.

But even as he begged his mind to stop, his mouth played kisses along sensitive skin at the exposed neck—covering the bite marks he'd created previous. Kanda's fingernails grazed lightly down his back, leaving no broken skin, but soft marks that he was sure would leave faint hints in the morning. It was intoxicating. He fondled the long dark locks of hair that splashed between them. He loved Kanda's hair so much. It was a perfect frame to the handsome, strong face that he was entranced with. He couldn't stop from kissing that mouth, over and over.

Allen moved to lie comfortably over him, the length of their forms flush against each other. Dominance seemed a foreign concept right then. They kissed, nipped, touched and blended together in a perfect unity that didn't need lines to be drawn. Bare chest to bare chest, they simply reveled in the sensation of each other. It wasn't mindless lust, but something else entirely.

They didn't need to lose their pants to feel like they had touched each other beyond intimately. Regret, guilt and all of those pesky emotions that both of them were purposefully ignoring could wait until morning.

Timcanpy flittered lightly from the side of Kanda's neck that had been ignored. The golem hopped and relocated, hiding himself under one of the discarded shirts. The emotions and feelings leeching off of the two created a sense that this was one of those things that Timcanpy did not need to record. Golem or no, the desires of his master—or perhaps, masters—were readable enough to shoo the golden ball away.

Quiet pants and kissing noises filtered the stagnant air of the room, dying as they wore out. Their fingers laced each others and Allen face rested against Kanda, his nose pressed softly into the neck he'd left marks on.

Breathing softly, both of them drifted into a different kind of oblivion.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Let's place some bets now. How many minds did I blow? And how much did my muse, Eurythmiic squeal? I bet: all of you, and way too much. XD _

_I gave you guys so much angst for so long, that this was intended to pull plot and make you go "omgyay"._

_Some review responses from the last two chapters: _

_**Sunalove, Serens, and Sugahlei:** I'm glad you guys decided to give it a chance :) It makes me happy I have not failed expectations. I'm trying to keep it interesting and realistically slow. Don't be afraid to let me know if I stray!_  
><strong>PeachTeaKT:<strong> _I don't think Lavi's thinking of Allen like that, he's just observant, and cares about Allen. Of course, that will be explored soon.**  
>EXO718:<strong> I feel for Lavi, he's kinda in the middle now. Poor guy will have his plate full.  
><strong>WakeToSanity:<strong> I should be shamed of enjoying your frustration :'D But I do. It means I'm doing something right.I hope I'm not updating too fast for people to keep up XD. I love Allen's almost absent happiness he has in some chapters, so I applied that here. He's a fun character too. _

_Also thanks to: **Kayce Hurd, Kawaiiprods, Lotus Seed, Marufu-chan Darker Than Black12.**_

_ Last but bestest ever, **Eurythmiic. **You know you lav'd it. Now give meh smooches.  
><em>


	21. Wreck

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-One<em>

"**Lavi! Lavi! Open up!**" Allen's voice trailed through the wooden door to Lavi's room. His fists pounded on the coarse material and his mind was reeling with every second he had to wait for the redhead to make it to the door.

"Whoa, Allen, whoa, calm down," the voice behind the door cut into his mind and he stopped himself from pounding the door again. The door opened slowly and a familiar green eye peered out—looking half asleep. His red hair fell around his face in a bed-head mess. "What's goin on there, beansprout?"

Without another word, Allen pushed the door the rest of the way in, startling Lavi. He stepped into the room and slammed the door behind him, locking it and breathing hard to gather his wits. "Oh god…Lavi, I…"

"Okay…whoa, Allen? Are you okay?" Lavi placed a hand on the boy's shoulder to try to calm him down a bit. Something was way off about Allen's behavior. He in full panic mode and that didn't spell good things at all. The last person he'd been seen with was a certain bitchy swordsman, so that only left him to assume the worst. "Talk to me."

"I think I screwed up…" He admitted, sliding down the door and sitting on the floor in a panicked heap.

"Describe 'screwed up'," Lavi asked softly, kneeling in front of Allen, both hands on his shoulders, trying to keep him steady for long enough to tell him what the hell had made Allen lose it.

"I w…woke up and I was on top of him…" Allen started with trepidation, "I had a dream and…it bled into reality. I…I left marks on him and we…"

The redhead's visible eye widen as the information sank in and did laps around his mind. "Wait, what kind of marks are we talking about here?"

"Marks in his skin, from teeth... from my…my fingernails. Oh god," he groaned, burying his head in his hands. "I'm a dead man if he remembers this."

"Calm down, Allen. Are…you saying that you…" He shook his head and tried to clear his mind of making any jumped conclusions. "You…didn't…forgive me for…you didn't rape him did you?"

Allen's eyes widened and shot up to look at Lavi, a horrified expression etched into his features. "**No!** I would…I would never! He'd kill me even now. I just…woke up and I was…over him…I felt hot…he felt hot…I could taste him…I can still smell the soap he uses in his hair… still on me…god…"

"Is that why you came running to me? Did this just happen?"

White hair shimmered in the dim light of Lavi's room as the head that owned it shook. "It must have been a few hours ago. We fell back asleep. He's still in there, sleeping with Timcanpy. I needed to get out of that room for a moment. I needed to talk…I'm sorry for waking you up."

A spot of annoyance directed in Yuu's direction made itself present in Lavi's mind. This kind of game was cruel if it left Allen in this state. "No, it's fine. I'm worried about you. Was he awake when you realized what you were doing?"

The boy nodded numbly, "he was. He held me in place…to keep me from running out on him…I thought he was going to kill me right then."

"And what did he do?"

Fingers coiled in the white locks and Allen curled in on himself, frustration and confusion pressing on his chest like an iron weight. "He kissed me back…He …we…It felt so good, but…I know better than this. Damn it…"

"I'm not trying to be nosy, or rude here…but…did you guys…erm…like…go the whole way?"

"The whole…" Allen's face flushed pink at the thought and he shook his head, "No. No…We got as far as losing…shirts…I feel sick…" He wrapped his arms around himself and he let out a heavy breath. He had no idea what to do. Telling Lavi hadn't actually been on the top of his list of things he wanted, but he needed to talk. He needed someone who wouldn't absently judge him and someone who knew how he felt for the man he nearly molested.

Inklings of discomfort came to him when he thought back on the dream. He remembered—vividly—biting him, licking his flesh…kissing him roughly, to the point of bruising. There was something strange in the way the man in his dream looked back up at him. It was hazy, full of want, and in the dark bleariness of the dream, he almost thought those eyes were glittered with gold. It was Kanda, but it wasn't and he was so confused. Returning to reality brought the man he wanted back to him—or rather brought him back to that man.

"He didn't push you away, then…you're trying to say?"

"No…He…He pulled me back to him…and we must have just…" He closed his eyes embarrassedly, "just…kissed…and touched…for…a while. God…" His face returned to his hands. He was hiding from something, he wasn't sure if it was his own horrific guilt or the idea that he didn't want to regret it at all. "Lavi, what if he really doesn't forgive me when this all becomes clear to him?" Allen was on the edge of trembling he was so terrified of that concept.

Lavi's eye softened for Allen. He wanted to deck Yuu in the face for letting the younger boy get like this. Actually, he wanted to simply spill the beans and get it over with; but he also valued his life and knew that Yuu would make with his promises of bodily harm. "Hey Allen, I'm no expert on brain science, but I don't think Yuu's going to forget the way you two have been as he'd recovered. I hardly think he'll remember everything, and poof! Just up and slice you in two."

"You think?" Allen's eyes pleaded Lavi to be telling him some kind of truth; something that would make it a little easier to bear with the fact that he'd molested Kanda into what could only be described as a prelude to the sex they probably would have had if they hadn't both been as tired as they had been.

"I'm extremely confident that you've had a positive impact on him. Extremely. I've known the cold brute for a long time, so trust me on it," Lavi grinned as innocently as he could, without giving away that he knew more than he was letting on. If he could temporarily ease Allen's mind until he was able to get a hold of Yuu and throttle him a bit, then it would be worth it. "Just, don't let it get to you, beansprout. Go back to your room and just relax. He's obviously not upset by it, so don't worry so much yet. In the morning, we'll talk a little more, okay? I'm a bit tired and you look even more tired."

Allen looked up at him a bit exhaustedly. Lavi was right. He'd woken up again and everything kind of hit him and he panicked. He wasn't used to this sort of thing. He wasn't used to dealing with people on these kinds of levels—Kanda no less. He was hopeless. He needed a deep breath and sleep. More then likely, Kanda wouldn't kill him before morning. "I'm sorry, Lavi. I didn't mean to bother you."

"Hey, hey, you already apologized for that one. It's alright. Though, I'm a little surprised. I mean, I didn't know you were so forward, beansprout~"

The younger boy's face lit up pink and he turned his face from Lavi's grinning face, "I…er…Like I said…it…just…happened."

"Was that the first time you guys kissed?"

"Y…yes."

"Liar~"

The pink progressed to a deeper tone, more like red and Allen felt like he was being prodded with a hot stick. Lavi knew how to do that so well. It wasn't something he was ashamed of; it was just something that seemed like he should be shy about. Even if he'd lost his shyness with the actual man in question, telling someone else seemed so…personal. "O…once before that…"

"That didn't happen be that night that you got busted by Yuu?"

"I wasn't busted…he just, has terrible timing…It didn't scare him away."

"Well obviously. I think that's a good sign. He remembers most everything else and he was a pretty anti-social thing before you. That he even let you smoochy smooch him is actually kind of a miracle~. Was it good?"

"Lavi!"

"What? It's a legitimate question! I'm not gonna try to steal Yuu from you, don't get me wrong. I like ladies, thank you. I'm just nosy and you're adorable in pink!"

"You're teasing me and I'm an emotional wreck…"

"It's brotherly love, beansprout. Now come on. Go back and cuddle your little lover boy til morning."

Allen groaned and stood up with help from the redhead, "Laaaviiii. He's not…my….don't say that."

"You kissed~ that means something~. Now, go on~. Timcanpy probably misses you too. And I'm sure Yuu will not be happy if he notices you gone." Lavi waved and shooed him as he opened the door for the younger boy. He almost felt bad pushing him out so hastily, but he needed to press Allen to go back to the room so he could just sleep next to the bitchy man and Lavi could think of how to approach it without getting killed by a pissed off swordsman.

"Again…thank you Lavi. I didn't mean to bother you. I just needed to calm down…and think. I'm just torn up, is all."

"No, I understand. Really. Perhaps at some point, you should actually talk to Yuu about it."

"I don't want to make it worse…you know?"

"It might not be as bad as you think. Have some faith in him."

"Easier said than done," Allen sighed and began his trek back towards his room, feeling a lot more calmed than he had when he darted out in search of his friend. Perhaps he should have taken a second to think before freaking out, but he did feel better now that he'd gotten it out of his system.

He waved to Lavi, feeling a little…silly. Holding back yet another apology he made his way back. Feet shuffling against the marble, he walked rather slowly. There was an anxiousness building in him again and all he could do was try to take Lavi's advice and simply bear with it until he was able to get it all out or at least talk to Kanda a little more and see where exactly he was with his memories.

It seemed like he was getting very familiar with everything to the point where he was right around the corner from being fully healed. It somewhat terrified Allen. Uncertainty was never something he enjoyed having hung over him like that. On top of that, he'd stupidly gotten comfortable with it.

He sighed, catching his reflection in a stained glass panel as he passed it. The shadowed face that grinned eerily seemed to fade in and out and he wondered how on earth it felt like he hadn't noticed it in a while. "I guess I was busy enough to forget about you," he said dryly before the thought went blank again.

Blinking forlornly, he wondered what he was standing there for. He shook his head and continued back to his room.

"You don't think I hurt his feelings, do you Timcanpy?" Allen's hand hovered over the door knob, hearing the voice just beyond the barrier to his room. It was Kanda's voice. So he was awake, after all. A growl followed that and Kanda snarled, "would you quit poking my face. It was a rhetorical question, I don't need a reply."

A small smile passed over Allen's face and he pressed his fingers back on the knob and turned it to go in. He was greeted with the image of Timcanpy pressed against the older man's cheek and Kanda laying back on the bed, looking like he was about to toss the poor golem through the window. "Oh boy, I didn't miss the fun did I?"

Kanda gave him a deadpan look, "your golem loves testing my patience."

"Well, if there's one thing he learned from my Master…It's how to get under people's skin." Sitting on the edge of the bed, he looked back at Kanda. He looked nothing short of ethereal. His pale skin contrasted his midnight hair and suddenly, Allen felt gifted just to get to see this side of the man at all. "You didn't hurt my feelings at all, by the way. I was more worried about you."

That pale face turned, pushing Tim over, so he could hide the embarrassment on his face. "You heard that…"

"I was just coming back from the bathroom."

"You left so suddenly."

The younger boy chuckled, hating the lie he was pressing, "It was kind of urgent."

"Hmph."

That familiar noise left butterflies—pleasant ones—in Allen's stomach. He sighed and changed his position, curling under the blanket with the man who shared his bed. It was testing his luck, really; but he moved closer and curled his arm over the body facing away. Kanda moved, shifting under his arm until those dark eyes were watching him.

Lying face to face, Kanda hesitantly wrapped his arms around Allen, letting the light haired boy mold into him. His cursed face nuzzled right into his neck and he felt like he could sleep again.

It felt like a haven for the younger exorcist. Something he'd wanted and got in the most…unusual form. Even if he had to lose it, he wanted to have it while he could. He wanted to feel that warmth and not just skin deep. "You can kill me for all of this… whenever you're ready…but …when it's just us…alone…can I pretend there's something more between us? Just for a little while…I've never…had this," Allen's lips trembled as the words fell uncontrolled from his mouth.

A long moment of silence settled over the room and nothing but the sound of breathing was heard until a slight shifting. Allen looked up, hoping to god he hadn't offended the man or overstepped his boundaries. He was already unwired and emotionally torn. He supposed after talking to Lavi, he was tossing it out there on a hopeful risk that he could at least play make-believe for a little while longer.

"I don't mind. If you don't want it to be… pretend…I don't mind that either."

Silver eyes widened, wondering exactly what the depth of that implication was. It sounded like an open invitation to something more serious than he was expecting. When Kanda's memories returned, he knew he would have to have a long discussion about the consequences of these actions on both of their parts. Until he had the opportunity to do just that, he was going to take Lavi's advice and trust the man who was holding him and his heart.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: I'm building up to something spectacular here. *evil glint*._

_**Kayce Hurd**: xD I've teased so much, I needed to get something in there.**  
>EXO718:<strong> Neah's one of those nighttime creepers. Gotta watchout for him. Allen knows, but he doesn't. He's being manipulated by Neah currently. This is somewhat important for what I'll use it for later. And yes! You're right, a woman may be needed. It just may come from an unexpected source!**  
>WakeToSanity<strong>: LOL. Poor Neah's teeth. He just wanted a little Yuu Hay Hay, in the middle of the night. Can you blame the guy :'D And Kanda is quite a trooper. So far he's been molested by Cross, Allen, Neah and…Timcanpy.**  
>Latechocox3:<strong> I don't really issue seme and uke positions. I believe in shared romance, which shall become obvious later on. In other words, both of them are both!**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> Tim is such a gentleman, isn't he?**  
>Nuriko Kurosaki:<strong> I've been intrigued by Neah since he showed up and Kanda has so much unexplored past to play with, :D I couldn't resist really. Kanda and Allen are simply fun to play with. _

_Thank you for the support everyone! It feeds me :3_


	22. Emotions

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Two<em>

He sat awkwardly down next to the shorter, dark haired woman—with a mission in mind. As a person with no people skills, he shifted uncomfortably. Starting the conversation he was intending was the hard part and it didn't help that he hadn't really been all that nice to...well, anyone. He was sure at some point that ugliness of his had reared itself to the shy woman occupying the same bench he was. She never seemed to have any ill feelings toward even the worst of manners, though. And her feelings and 'relationship' with a certain companion of his promised to perhaps help his own issues if he went about it right.

It was getting the conversation rolling without ducking out and running, that was the hard part. He'd already had a _fun _enough time wishing Tiedoll a fair trip out. As much as he could appreciate—to a certain extent—that man's eccentricities, he found himself often incredibly annoyed by the quirkiness of his Master. It wasn't certain, but he thought he'd have an easier time starting up a discussion with the bashful girl that was less than three feet from him. After Tiedoll, he didn't seem to have the energy to be angry enough to botch it up as horrifically as he could have.

This wasn't his strong point. His idea of comforting Lenalee was to tell her she was strong…followed by a swift "shut up". This was the example he conjured up first in his mind…and it looked extremely pathetic on a personal level. Life had been easier when all he had to do was kill whatever got in his way.

She seemed to notice his glance and quiet nod. That nod was about the same as saying hello in his book. Actually, that was more than he ever gave. He was feeling extremely juvenile. _This is called regression. _He mulled.

"Oh...hi...Kanda." She smiled, after taking note of him. Her dark eyes seemed permanently shadowed by a sleepless hollowness. "Are you doing...better?" She asked softly, but even he could tell she was trembling inside from being the first to speak and to him no less.

"I am..." He debated on attaching 'thank you' to the end of it. But somehow, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Or rather, he felt like 'thank you' was a hit to his pride.

"I hope I'm not b...bothering you."

He blinked. "You were here first."

"Yes...but...but this is your garden...right?"

Kanda shook his head and cast a glance at her. He wasn't very good at showcasing his emotions and thus really had no idea what kind of expression she was interpreting from him. He tried to keep his expression passive, but there was without a doubt a hint of his instilled annoyance. He even felt a little annoyed that he'd even conjured up this stupid idea. Annoyance was simply built into the fabric of his existence. "It's everyone's garden. I just tend it when I'm frustrated."

"Does it make you happier?"

He wasn't expecting that question. Her time with Marie must have opened her up a bit more...for her to be so much less awkward toward him. Though he was sure she was still as discomfited around strangers. The thought never occurred to him that he wasn't actually a stranger anymore. They didn't know each other, really at all; but they weren't utter strangers. She was friends with his Beansprout and a romantic interest to Marie, who he would call his older brother if he had to use silly family terms. "It makes me less tense."

"Well, that's good. Everyone needs hobbies."

"...what's yours?" Why he asked, he really didn't know. He just did. Perhaps his time with that beansprout had taught him that it's easier to get things out of people if you don't cram your fist down their throat. It could also be the fact that he was too tired for fist cramming and Marie would have a fit if he was being mean to Miranda without any real reason.

"I like to fix things. Like…like sewing and things like that." She smiled. Her smile was still a bit awkward and he noted how she was brutalizing her hands in the way she nervously wrung them.

"A useful skill."

"Haha. Only if I can do it right. I'm not very good at much."

"Marie thinks otherwise."

"O...oh." She nearly blushed outright. "He's a very...very...sweet man."

"I can tell he really likes you and you feel the same, I assume." He really only had any idea about this because Marie told him...but he was not going to let her know that.

She shifted and turned her face away, almost steaming from the heat of embarrassment. "I...er...well...Yes! He...was the first...man who showed me that kind of care." Her hands were turning white from her fidgeting.

"Can I ask you a question?"

She blinked, looking over at him. The seriousness of his tone seemed to suggest what he was going to ask was significantly life changing. It made her very nervous to think he was asking her! Her of all people! "G...go ahead..."

"How do you tell someone that you care about them?"

"I…ah…well…why…pleasedon'tbeoffended….why would you ask me?"

His eyes shifted away and he tried to pass it off as simply watching the wind take off with a few of the petals from his flowers. "You and Marie…" Fishing for words, he tried to think of a way to say it without…saying it. "I….am not sociably inclined."

"Oh…I see." Her expression softened. It didn't take any kind of genius to see what the boy was getting at. He was comparing himself to her and she understood that completely. She was sociably inept herself for the most part. That she had taken up with Marie was a step in a positive direction for her. This boy and Marie were close, so it wasn't unlikely to think that Marie had talked to him about it in some degree. In his strange way, he was reaching out to someone who could understand him a little better than perhaps, Miss Lenalee—who had no issues declaring her feelings. "Well…How does this person feel about you? Do you know?"

He toyed with the idea of actually continuing, before his resolve kicked in and told him he'd already gotten as far with it as he had. "They said they loved me."

Miranda bit her lip for a moment. She understood his feelings, because she had them for Marie. As shy as she was, she was still rather outwardly emotional to some extent. Kanda appeared to have locked himself in a special bubble of cannot express emotions. She took a gamble in assuming it was because of the same reasons she felt uneasy before. She lacked self esteem and didn't think she was worth much. She didn't exactly turn into her own cheerleader, but she thought she was a bit better. "Then the problem is how you feel about it."

"But I do….I…care…I mean." He fell flat on ways to define his feelings. He really didn't know this woman…but it kind of made it easier in a way. If it were Lenalee, she'd have been squealing from the beginning about "love" and "happiness" and things he didn't believe in…much.

"But do you care about yourself?"

His concentration shattered. "Huh?"

"If you don't care…or love yourself. It's harder to accept other people doing it. I think I learned that the hard way." She looked out at the garden shyly. "I was so ashamed of my failures at everything…that I didn't think anyone else could ever appreciate me. Allen thanked me…and it changed my perspective a little. Then I met Marie. Only you….only you and Allen know about that, but one day…I want to be able to openly tell everyone that I care very much about him and that he makes me feel like I can have something. That I can be loved. Oh god…I spoke too m…much. I'm sorry."

"_The one who despises you the most, is the one looking back at you in the mirror."_

_Damn. _

"It's…fine. I just…." He shook his head, unable to even bring out the words to tell her. He didn't feel comfortable enough to expose that sort of information about himself. It was bad enough he was fully aware that the mirror was the person he disliked seeing most. He was painfully aware that most of the reason he was angry was because he couldn't get away from himself. "I think I understand." Shifting a little bit, he moved to stand. It was hard enough to get that little bit out…he didn't think he could tolerate another moment with a person other than Allen, discussing matters so personal.

"I'm sorry…I offended you…didn't I…I didn't mea…"

"You didn't offend me."

She looked up at him, wondering what he was thinking. She knew quite a bit about him from Marie, but she'd never seen any of his personality aside from bitter. Perhaps it was because his memories were still—as she'd heard—a little broken, but she knew she saw a caring person in him…even if she'd heard all the horror stories from the Finders. "I don't think they're all right about you. I think you're a good person, Kanda."

"I don't."

"Sometimes…" A little tinge of nervousness pressed at her mind, "Sometimes we simply can't see….the good in us."

"I made certain no good existed in me."

"Allen sees otherwise…He's been caring for you with everything he has. He misses you. Marie says…he says you and Allen are so alike….it's why you clash so much. He says there's a darkness that hangs over you both… And I can see that."

"You're not usually so talkative."

"I…I'm sorry. I just…see a bit of me…in you…And…I wish…someone had talked to me…"

"There's none of you in me…If there was…" He dropped his gaze and let the wind carry his hair with it. "I'd be a better person, probably."

_I hate this feeling. _

_I hate emotions. _

_I hate talking to people._

_Something is wrong with me still. _

"I wish you the best with this person…If they love you and you care about them, then I know everything will work out for you. You shouldn't give up on being happy, just because you have a duty to the innocence…or you don't trust yourself. Allen taught me that."

_Always Allen. _

_It always goes back to Allen. _

_How does that brat have so much heart?_

"…Thank you." Even the sound of it was foreign and bitter. But he'd said it anyway. That woman was the first person he'd recalled saying it to and meaning it. He spotted a glint of gold and straightened his posture. "I better go find beansprout before he thinks I've fallen to my death somewhere."

Kanda had been too distracted to notice Timcanpy floating near him before then. Tim hovered close until he settled somewhere on the man's shoulder, protectively flapping his wings. Dark eyes turned toward him and poked the golden golem. He wondered where Tim had been all morning. With one last nod, he sent Miranda a parting glance and decidedly left to find Allen.

He didn't know that he didn't have to go very far at all to find Allen. The younger man had been not too far from them before he rescinded back—quietly—out of ear shot. Allen had crossed paths with Tiedoll on his way back and was a little surprised to see Kanda not with him. He had no other idea of where he could be, so naturally he checked the garden, sending Tim ahead of him to "protect" him.

His heart skipped a beat when he heard the familiar _beansprout_ slip from that mouth—very kissable mouth, he thought after. Did Kanda remember him as "beansprout" or had it slipped on accident? Suddenly, he wasn't sure he knew. He shook himself free of the thought and decided to make his "sudden appearance" as the man came closer.

"Oh there you are!" His voice stretched it more than he would have liked and it felt utterly false to his own ears, but it didn't seem to be noticed as such.

"Timcanpy found me first."

"I see that. I couldn't think of any other place that you'd be. So I sent Tim first."

"Well, at least he didn't get _lost_." A momentary flicker of regret passed Kanda's mind, but he let is pass. He knew—he as in normal Kanda—that Allen had a penchant for getting lost. His 'lacking memories' self…would not. But it was worded ambiguously enough, he hoped, that Allen wouldn't think of it as a slip, but rather a coincidence.

"Hey…I didn't either."

"I wasn't saying you would." Innocent looks didn't work for him, so he chose a passive expression in its place.

"You implied."

"Are you saying you're likely to get lost?"

"…N….no."

"Tch."

That response caused Allen's mind to drift back to what he overheard of the conversation Kanda had been having with Miranda. Somewhere in the conversation he'd heard Miranda wishing him well…and that—in some sense—Kanda cared about _someone _and that someone loved him. That left Allen to piece together some things. It was obvious Kanda was talking about him…well, he hoped in that context…but why would he hide if he cared like that? He called him a beansprout.

That was his…petname for Allen, essentially.

"Allen?"

He snapped his gaze back up. "Yeah, let's go get something to eat, okay?"

That nickname hadn't come before then…or apparently after then. Was it a slip…or was he hiding? Suddenly, Allen felt terrible for eavesdropping. The same kind of terrible he was sure Kanda felt when he'd accidentally stumbled in on more than he bargained for. It was easier when he didn't know. It was easier when he didn't have to have horrible doubts. He cared so much for Kanda. They'd gotten…close. Was Kanda playing him?

Was he that cruel?

Would that explain why Lavi was avoiding them when they were together?

No, Lavi had nothing to do with it. Lavi believed in Kanda too, from what Allen had gathered from their discussion the night before. Maybe Lavi misjudged him too. Or maybe the reason behind all of this was that Kanda was hiding still. Maybe his memories really weren't back…but who knew. If anyone had mastered being able to shy away from people emotionally…

…it was Kanda.

"_I made certain no good existed in me"_

For some reason, that statement never left his mind.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: I think I post too fucking much. LOL  
><em>

_ This chapter was hard omg. I'm not sure how well I did on it. Miranda's personality seems to expand as the manga goes, so I drew on it a little. And I really do think Miranda and Marie look precious together. It _was_ a bit out of character, but it was necessary. Kanda-dawlin has all his memories, but his emotions are still out of control. _

_**Fallen Angel Of The Forgotten:** xD If Tim's not carefully, he'll trigger Jealous!Allen.**  
>Lotus Seed<strong>: I hope I can keep producing chapters you enjoy!**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> : ) Thank you!**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> Panicked Allen was fun. So much…Almost as much as breaking Kanda in between my sadistic fingers. I'll definitely be playing up that Allen more.**  
>EXO718:<strong> It may have been obvious, but yeah. It was Miranda. In a strange way—socially—I see them having a bit in common. Both social tard-muffins to an extent.**  
>Kayce Hurd:<strong> I need to stock up on cookies again!**  
>Iruka Asato<strong>: But but but but, I bully Kanda so much that I need to share the torture!**  
>Book Thief101:<strong> You know, it hadn't occurred to me that I was pushing the rating boundaries, because I tried to keep it minimal, but I will probably have to change that in the sequel. The sequel is obviously going to be a much bigger span. This was sort of a build up to that and the relationship between them. We'll see if I botch it up before it's over. Haha.**  
>Kawaiiprods:<strong> I like Lavi, but I just can't ever see him looking at Kanda that way…could be because he goes googly eyes over pretty girls.**  
>Nuriko Kurosaki:<strong> I think I've blended the idea together well enough to give most people what they want from this. I won't spoil anything though. As for what I'm thinking you're worried about…I'm not imagining many people will actually nail what I plan. It's rather…complex…haha. Anyone's free to take shots guessing though.**  
>Eurythmiic:<strong> Yes, I am dominant, don't play with me Moyashi, I will break you. Sexually._

_See ya next chapter. [Lol since you guys have to wait so long all the time].  
><em>


	23. Mirror

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Three<em>

"_Innocence…Activate!" _A voice split the silence of the training room, followed by heavy pants and signs of struggling. His feet parted a bit and he held his body rigid while he tried not to crumble from the way his innocence was attempting to overpower him. He could hold out for much longer than previously, even if his movements were slower. Several hours, however, had him breathing harder and sweating a bit.

"Looks like you're finally gettin' the hang of things again, Yuu."

The sword wielder snapped his head to the other occupant of the room, "Don't call me that."

"Why not? It's your name! And it's cute~!" Lavi grinned, hiding his desire to choke Kanda until he was unconscious.

"It's annoying."

"Not as annoying as you're being." Despite the pleasant tone of his voice, Kanda was easily able to pick up what he was getting at. He wasn't stupid enough to think there was no reason why Lavi had almost pushed Allen out of the training room. Well, Allen needed to go to see Komui, but he was originally going to drag him right along…Lavi had other ideas it seemed.

"I'm training, leave me alone."

"Stop playing dumb, Yuu."

"I'm not playing dumb. I'm trying to concentrate, and you're pissing me the fuck off," the dark haired man growled and pointed Mugen directly at Lavi, face level.

"You can threaten me all you want, but it's not going to change anything. What you're doing to Allen is messed up beyond belief."

Kanda's face twisted into one of distaste and a hint of anger, "I told you. I'm not playing games with him. It's none of your business anyway. Or did you forget me telling you to stay the fuck out of it?"

"I would stay out of it, if I didn't have Allen coming to my room at ridiculous early in the morning, freaking out because he was afraid he'd overstepped his boundaries with you. Then he tells me that you initiated the response, and I don't exactly know what to think of you anymore."

"I don't care what your opinion of me is," snapped the swordsman. He lowered the sword and stared down at it as it was deactivated. He could see his reflection in the blade and he glared at it, taking Lavi's words in. He honestly didn't know how to explain his response to Allen's near molestation act. He didn't know how exactly he could tell anyone else about the Noah's appearance without something catastrophic happening. Allen himself didn't even notice it. In fact, he seemed to be absolutely unconcerned with anything relating to the Noah and he wasn't about to bring it up to complicate things worse. "You don't understand, anyway."

"I understand Allen's feelings."

"How can you? You're a bookman. You're not supposed to fuck with events anyway."

Lavi bit his lip at that retort. Kanda had him at that, sadly; but Lavi had a tendency to let his human side affect him more than he should have as a bookman. Even if he was supposed to be perfectly neutral, it didn't completely negate him from having the human responses when it came to those he considered his pals. "Be that as it may, I know what I saw in Allen when he came to me. He's afraid you're going to lose it when your memories 'return'. He's so deep in love with you that it's almost painful to watch. He's biding his time until you finally tell him you hate his guts."

"I don't plan to."

"Don't plan to what?"

"Tell him to fuck off."

"Then why don't you just come clean and give Allen a little relief? It's not like he's going to suddenly reject you, if that's what you're so worried about. I honestly think that kid would give up his life to the Earl if he thought it would save you."

"You really are clueless, aren't you? The minute it comes out that I'm _fine_, is the minute everything stops."

Furrowing his brow, Lavi blinked his single green eye at Kanda. He had no idea what the man meant by "everything stops", but he was getting the impression that Allen wasn't the only hopelessly fallen one. "What do you mean by _stops_?"

A sigh escaped the man, before he unceremoniously dropped the sword on the floor—officially sick of his own reflection. "You wouldn't understand, as I keep trying to fuckin tell you."

"You're not giving me a chance to understand you."

"You don't need to understand me, you idiot. You just need to shut up and stay out of my business."

"Are you that afraid?"

Kanda snapped his gaze back to Lavi, whose expression was nothing short of serious—for a change. "What did you just say?"

"I asked you if you're really that afraid. I nosed around and asked Marie about you." That earned a twitch from his listener, but at that point, he didn't care if he was making him mad. "Marie said you've got a serious problem with your self-worth." He held up his hand to silence the impending protest. "You know I'm right. I can gather information and put together a painfully detailed report on every aspect of your existence in the span of a week. Don't take me for a complete fool."

Suddenly, Kanda felt uncomfortably exposed. He let a deep breath escape and took to sitting on the platform by the window, where he usually meditated. His eyes intentionally averted Lavi's general vicinity, closing them as a dull aching started.

"You're having trouble accepting that you as _you _can be cared about by Allen. He cares no matter what. If nothing else. Tell Allen. No one else has to know, if you're worried about everything changing. Komui will keep you with Allen as long as he can possibly get away with it. And this show you're making with your innocence, you can stop."

"I'm not making a show of that," Kanda cut in, tossing a brief glance.

"You're telling me that you really can't properly invoke?"

"It's fighting me, clearly. I'm not that good of an actor, you said so yourself."

"But…why?"

"The hell if I know. If I knew, this wouldn't be a problem." He pulled his legs up and rested his elbows against his knees, cradling his head as he felt a splitting migraine start. "You're making my head really fucking hurt. Go away."

"You're the one who is—wait. Your head _hurts_?"

"Are you deaf suddenly, I just fucking said it hurt."

"Yuu…uh, don't you find something wrong with that?"

He was about ready to hurt Lavi. The brat wasn't getting to the point and he was borderline seeing stars from the way his head was pounding mercilessly. "What the fuck are you getting at, already?"

"Your healing ability…shouldn't _let_ you hurt like that. You can't even get a hangover, if I remember a certain Christmas party. Something is wrong with you." He got up from his sitting position and moved toward the other man.

"I had brain matter coming out of my ear it's only natural to think I'd be feeling it for a wh—Let me go you, bas—" His words were cut off. Lavi's hands wrapped around his wrists and pulled them away from his head. Splotches of red tossed between them and both men stared for a moment.

Kanda's eyes settled on the droplets of red now drizzled down the redhead's white shirt and Lavi was focused on the source of the blood. "Yuu…you're bleeding...This isn't…this isn't nothing!"

Wrenching his hands away from Lavi, he hissed, "I'll be fine. I'll just sleep it off."

"No. I'm taking you to Komui."

"Let me go, you fuckass. I don't need your help," Kanda growled, swatting at Lavi, who was overpowering him simply because of condition. Lavi's eye could pick up how Kanda's response was slower. He could see how those eyes seemed like they were somewhat unfocused and getting even more so. He could hear the tiredness in his voice.

"You can't even fight back, damn it. Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"It's your fault…"

Lavi pressed his hands against the man's cheeks and checked the pulse at his temple. He didn't give him a chance to really put him off and he lifted the Japanese man up, hooking his arm under his and around his back. The hand that pressed into his side didn't concern him, because it didn't appear that it would be pushing him away. "You're warm."

"Shut up."

They shuffled through the room, with Kanda giving faint hints of a struggle. The redhead's hand reached for the door knob as they approached the exit to the training room. Surprisingly finding the door escaping from his grasp, he looked up to see Komui standing just there, with Allen right behind him and Timcanpy floating around in circles. He blinked, somewhat surprised. "Uh…good…timing?"

"Timcanpy came to get me."

"Oh." Lavi cast a glance and smile at Timcanpy, "Go Tim!"

"Set him down, I'll check to see if moving him is actually a good idea," Komui instructed, assisting Lavi in setting Kanda down on the floor, with Allen hovering over—concern written clearly on his face.

Absently, Kanda's hands swatted at Komui, who was trying to clean the red splotches from his ears enough to see if the blood was still flowing. "Kanda, I'll need to check to see if your eyes are dilated or not. Please stop fighting me. I'm not going to hurt you."

"I'm fine. Go away."

"Yes, you're clearly fine, Yuu." Lavi rolled his eyes and glanced up at Allen. "He's been yakking about being fine since he told me his head was hurting."

"I saw, Timcanpy showed me."

"I didn't even notice Timcanpy was still in here…" With that thought, Lavi paled a bit. He quickly smoothed over his sudden conversation had been pretty incriminating if Timcanpy caught that… "How far did Tim show you?"

"He showed me right at the point where the blood started. We rushed out right after." Allen's hand rested absently over one of Kanda's twitching ones and the man calmed nearly immediately, letting Komui's flashlight invade his sense of sight. It perplexed Lavi just a little bit. It wasn't that he didn't believe Kanda was serious, but seeing the actual natural interaction was a little different.

"It looks like he's going to be fine. The blood seems to have already stopped," Komui broke the conversation before it could continue. "It looks like a minor hemorrhage, probably a sign that he's almost fully back to normal. He's healing it up already."

"You think it could have been a side effect from his innocence?" Allen asked, not realizing he'd actually taken full hold of Kanda's hand.

"It's very possible. He's been progressing quite well. He'll be fine by morning, with certainty. If he is, I still want you to do as we discussed tomorrow. I think it would be in his best interest."

Lavi looked from Komui to Allen and then back, "clue me in too?"

"I was telling Allen, that I'd like him to go into town tomorrow and take Kanda with him. He hasn't really left here and he needs to be away from this place for a bit. While he's in town, I'll tend to Mugen and try to see if there's something I can do with it."

"Can I go too?" The redhead gave a big goofy grin and a "pretty please" bat of the eyelashes for good measure.

"Lenalee is going with them, so I don't see why not."

From beneath all of them a low grumble erupted, "Hnnng, does he have to come…?" Allen peered down and almost chuckled at the half-lidded face of annoyance that Kanda had perfected.

"I think it'll be good for you, Kanda." Komui smiled down at him and annoyingly continued to clean the dried blood from his ear.

"Knock that off!" The free hand swatted at Komui.

"Looks like he's fine again!" Komui clapped and stood, gathering his things with a smile. "I hope you were listening to everything. Tomorrow will be a chance for you to get away from here for a while, while I try to fix your innocence up a bit. After that, we'll see about getting you back on missions so Central doesn't suspect something wrong with you too."

"Tch."

"Well, until then. Go get some rest and leave Mugen with me. You've already bled out of your skull enough for one day. Remember, your brain can only take so much of your abu—"

Lavi and Allen jumped on Kanda before the man would put his foot into Komui's face, "**Like hell you can have my Mugen! I'm not leaving here without it!**"

"Calm down Kanda! He's not going do anything to it, other than try to see why it's not working for you! Okay? He'd never compromise your innocence!"

"TCH!" Kanda panted and put his leg back down and leaned against Allen, face contorted in an expression of displeasure. He didn't like the idea of being without his innocence for any period of time; but begrudgingly, he had to concede. He did want his innocence fixed if it was at all possible. "I'm going to sleep," he grumbled and made to storm out; Allen latching on to him in his flurry.

"ThanksKomuitalktoyoulater," Allen yelped before disappearing from their view. He waited for Kanda to slow down before he skipped a few steps to walk evenly with him. "Hey, it'll only be for a day."

"I know. I'm just…augh. I'm tired." He stopped and held his head in his hands to quell the dizziness.

"Come on, I'll take you back to the room. You can lie down while I go talk to Lenalee, then we can go get something to eat."

Kanda passed a glance over to Allen as they walked. It was an effort to keep from falling right back into his more irritable personality—in fact, he'd failed pretty magically just moments before, when he'd almost taken Komui's head off with his foot. Allen's constant concern drove him just as mad as it made him feel slightly…elated. He wanted to shake Allen for always being so loving. "You have such a big heart, I'm not sure if you have room for any other organs," he mumbled.

Allen blinked and chuckled. "I just care. Is that so bad?"

Timcanpy dropped from the air, right into Kanda's shoulder—having finally learned that the man would simply remove him from his hair if he nested there. The golem inched close to his neck and Kanda glanced over to it, his face passive as he watched its little arm appendages press into his skin. "I think Timcanpy is mimicking you."

"I think he's mocking me." Allen gave a deadpan face when Timcanpy fluttered its wings. He opened the door with a snort and poked Tim as they walked in. "I wonder if he likes you more than me sometimes."

"Tch. He's just doing what you asked him to," the swordsman replied, reaching his hand up to pull the rope from his hair and let it down. The black locks fell behind him and over Timcanpy, who fluttered a bit to get out of the tangles. "Well, don't sit there then, you damn golem." He muttered while pulling the black strands out of Tim's wings, standing in front the window using the glass as a mirror. "There, are you happy now?"

Timcanpy flapped its wings and curled back into the crook of his neck, amongst the curtain of black hair. This elicited a sigh from the exorcist, who had—unfortunately—gotten used to Tim's apparent ownership of his shoulder. "Fine, whatever. See if I care."

He straightened out the rest of his long hair, leaning closer to the window to catch glimpses of red still tracing the rim of his ear. He didn't even care. He wasn't about to bring it up to Allen, because he didn't want to have to deal with it. Cleaning his ears out could come later. "Are you going to come back here right after you talk to Lenalee?" He asked, not paying much attention until the arms unexpectedly snaked from behind him and wrapped his torso. He paused his preening and got very quiet, his gaze stuck in the mirror-like window.

"I wouldn't dare leave you alone for too long, my darling."

"Noah." He could feel the breath against his ear and it made him shudder involuntarily. The golden eyes that stared back at him—over his shoulder—in the glass held him in place as if by a trance.

"You seem like you don't appreciate my presence, _Yuu_."

A quiet snarl passed grit teeth, "don't call me that."

"Why not? It's your name, is it not?" His tongue extended to the ridges of his ear, teasing him with hot breath. "You should be more careful. You smell of blood."

"You should get the fuck out of his body and leave me alone."

"So testy," that obnoxiously enticing tongue trailed down along his jaw, before a grin passed the Noah's—Allen's—face and he rested his chin into Kanda's shoulder. "I'm just worried about you~."

Kanda shifted stiffly, "Like hell you are. You're fucking toying with me. And Allen."

The Noah trailed a hand up his torso; fingers pressing against his chest, against the skin of his collar bone, his neck and to his face. The tips of his fingers trailed light touches all the way to the edges of the man's eyes. "If I was toying with you, you'd be face down in that bed. If I was toying with Allen, I'd have suffocated you and left him to find you."

"Like Cross did?" Kanda challenged.

"Oh so you do remember."

"I'm not entirely stupid, Noah."

"No. You're not stupid at all." An eerily pleasant smile painted across his face as he exchanged dark glances with the other man. Kanda's eyes took in every detail that he could from the reflective window. Golden eyes seemed to haunt him and he found himself unable to look away, feeling suddenly nauseous and uncomfortable. The arms that held him in place felt like chains and—though he wasn't claustrophobic—he was suddenly feeling like he was horrifically enclosed. "Look at you darling." The Noah grinned into his neck, seeing those dark eyes glance to the side at him. "You're simply breathtaking."

The dark haired man sucked in a breath, trying to figure out how to get the damn Noah to tell him what he wanted, absently trailing his eyes back to where the Noah's were focused.

If he ever wanted to vomit in his life, that had been the moment. Staring back at him in the glass was a reflection that wasn't his at all. The Noah's face pressed into his pale skin, framed by what he could only assume to be mid-brown hair. All he knew for sure was that it wasn't the black he always saw reflecting back at him. The reflection's hair wasn't as long either, it was straight, feathered and crowding his very Asian face. A second pair of golden eyes watched back at him, not reflecting the sudden horror he felt crawling in his skin.

"You're beautiful, you see," the Noah crooned, pressing his lips languidly to his neck.

He tore his gaze away from the window and shut his eyes to block out the images in his mind. His fist closed, his natural self defense mechanism kicking in and causing him to lash out.

The sound of glass shattering snapped Allen back into his mind and his eyes began to regain focus, feeling hazy. "Wha…" Blinking his eyes, he recoiled from his grasp on Kanda and took in the shattered glass. "Kanda?"

"I…It…was…I…" Hearing Allen's softer voice, he breathed and fought to come up with an excuse for why he'd shattered the window without mentioning Noah. "I couldn't look at my face anymore."

It wasn't a lie.

"It's…It's okay. You've had a lot going on. It's an easy fix…" Allen stammered. He felt strange. He couldn't explain why he felt like he missed something. "I'll talk to Komui…when I go see Lenalee." He was trying to pass off a pleasant tone, despite being still shaken up by the sudden shattering of the glass. "Just rest for a bit…okay?"

Kanda nodded numbly.

Suddenly he felt the weight of the Lotus blossoms crowding his vision again.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: What you all are waiting on is coming soon. How soon? Oh, well, you'll just have to stay tuned as I torture you to death with more plot, angst and Kanda being a little booger. This chapter was a bit longer than my usual. I suppose it's in forgiveness of this being the longest I've taken to update [I know, three whole days, what the hell, David!]. You can thank my fever and busted foot for that one._

_**Marufu-chan:** Thanks dear!**  
>SunaLove:<strong> I love Miranda, because she's shown such great character growth. I'd be sad to not include her in some way. She's practically be Kanda's sister in law as I see it.**  
>KayceHurd:<strong> Many thanks, darlin~!**  
>Lotus seed<strong>: Miranda and Kanda were so hard to write, but I felt it was worth it.**  
>Kawaiiprods:<strong> I have a plan for how Allen really gets aware of it. You'll just have to wait and see!**  
>Mychemicalbitchbot<strong>: Ahah, I dunno about that, but thanks!**  
>WakeToSanity<strong>: It was hard for me to wrap around Miranda and Kanda talking, but the only other options there were for females seemed even less likely. I just see a lot of things strangely in common with those too. As for Allen speaking out, he's very extroverted and good hearted to the point of it impeding the poor guy's personal happiness. And Kanda is just so withdrawn, it makes getting to the fuckin' point with these two like pulling teeth with a spoon.**  
>Sunfeil:<strong> I hope you enjoyed this one too!_

_And to my moyashi, **Eurythmiic,** I lav yew. I'm so proud of your progress reading. KEEP DOING IT SO I CAN'T WRITE THE SEQUEL._


	24. Fire

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Four<em>

"Tch," the sound trickled into the quiet room. Flicking away the golem nested into his long hair, Kanda sat up in the bed. He stretched and groaned at the way his spine seemed to pop all the way down. His head turned toward the strange breeze in the room and his eyes fell on the wide open window. Several blinks passed before he reconnected the events. After the window breaking incident, he'd rested in the bed—his head still throbbing annoyingly.

He didn't remember exactly when the light from the sun changed position in the sky…

After long silent contemplation, he finally uttered "…Is it morning?"

Shifting in the bed beside him told him situation. If Allen was sleeping next to him and the sun wasn't where it was supposed to be…he had actually slept the rest of the previous day and that night away. He sent a glare to the golem floating next to him, "You should have woken me." Tim responded by bopping Kanda in the forehead twice. "You little fucker."

Allen smiled, unbeknownst to Kanda. The mattress moved as the swordsman pushed Tim out of his face and younger man simply listened to the quiet actions. After the previous night, any non-horrified countenance was welcome in the older man. He wasn't sure of what exactly made him freak out so hard, but he'd picked up the glass and gotten the man in the bed as soon as he was capable of it.

He didn't know what to make of anything anymore. The Kanda he knew before would have never let himself react to something like his own reflection, but the words from that conversation kept creeping back into his mind. He wouldn't…would he?

A thwack against his skull made Allen let out a groan. He quickly identified this attack as Timcanpy's wake up call. "Tim…"

"Hnn, you're awake?" Kanda looked over, with his hair tousled and actually quite mellow in appearance. From Allen's perspective, he looked quite charming. He still wore the deadpan, straight expression that wasn't a frown, but also wasn't any positive expression either. He actually loved that expression of his. It fit him so well. It wasn't antagonistic at all. It was just…Kanda.

"Yeah. It's hard to sleep with Tim bashing my skull in."

"He lives in my hair," Kanda made a face that elicited a chuckle from his bed mate. He let out a breath and flopped back against the pillows and cool sheet. His head still ached a little bit and from what he could tell by the sun's position just below the horizon, it couldn't have been much later than dawn. Too early for him to be up if he wasn't training or meditating, which he was planning neither—though he wouldn't lie that he didn't miss doing those things.

Allen's gentle voice combed the air between them, "are you feeling better? You gave yourself quite a strain."

"Hmm." That was his "affirmative" response. Allen learned that from his many missions and general dealings with the man. He shuffled in the sheets, clamping his fist down on Timcanpy to keep him from dive bombing them again. Rolling toward Allen, Kanda muttered tiredly and planted the golem in the center of Allen's chest, where it nestled. The dark haired man closed his eyes and pressed his face against Allen's shoulder, causing the younger to be surprised.

"Kanda?"

His heart pounded in his chest, hearing beansprout's concern filled voice. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing, but he did it anyway. To hell with opinions and to hell with consequences. He'd had enough shit going through his mind with that Noah and the visions that kept swarming his brain, that all he wanted was the comfort of the other body. His interaction with the Noah had made him realize something catastrophic. He didn't want to lose this. Not to that molesting bastard hiding in Allen's head. He didn't even care if his past self was the damn bastard's _betrothed_; he wasn't going to give Allen over to him without a fight.

The fabric of Allen's sleep shirt covered his vision as it sank in as hard as the glass shattering had.

_Oh fucking god. _

_I…_

_No. _

His fingers clung to the fabric under them, Timcanpy's tail pressed into the back of his hand. His chest seized and he hid his face entirely. His head was starting to hurt again for a different reason. The gentle breeze making the sheets flutter softly reminded him of the events that led to it. It reminded him of the face…what he could only assume was his original face and the misery that was etched into the reflection carved next to the Noah. Allen didn't deserve that Noah.

And he didn't deserve the callous face in the mirror's portrait next to him.

"Kanda? Are you sure you're okay? You're shaking?" Allen placed his hand on Kanda's shoulder and a swell of concern hit him when he realized the man was mumbling and Timcanpy had all but flattened himself against Kanda's hand in a comforting sort of gesture—if a golem could manage such.

"I don't…" The voice, muffled by fabric, paused. "Deserve…"

White hair brushed against his face as the owner of it sat up a little, peering over him and checking to see if he was actually okay. He hadn't meant to worry the boy, but he was having a personal crisis that went against everything he'd ever experienced. He'd internally confessed to something he didn't want to and he was man enough to admit it scared the shit out of him. "Hey…Do I need to get Komui?"

Staying close to Allen as he moved, he shook his head against the boy's hip; his face pressed into the muscles of his abdomen that no one would have expected that beansprout to really have. He was stronger than he looked. Physically and emotionally.

Especially emotionally.

Allen was hurt so much by people he cared about…and yet he was willing to toss his love to someone who could break him with a handful of words and an ugly expression. He'd unknowingly empowered Kanda to shatter him again.

_You're too soft. _

_You care too much. _

_You…_

_I…_

…_Fuck…_

"I love you."

Everything stopped for a moment, especially Kanda's heart when he realized he hadn't been properly using his powers of internal dialogue. He was more than appreciative that his face was still close against Allen's body and he was able to hide from Allen's stunned gaze.

Oh and he was stunned.

It could be felt in the muscles below his fingertips and the way the cursed boy hadn't let a breath out in a while since the words spilled out. He wasn't the only one holding his breath in painfully. Both bodies existed for a moment like statues—too afraid to move for the harmony that would splinter like the window. The longer the silence stretched, the more the guilty party wondered if he'd actually said it clearly. Suddenly, he couldn't tell if he was talking to himself in his head, dreaming, or if he'd actually just told Allen that he…

"…K…Kanda. You don't know what you're saying," a trembling voice confirmed Kanda's fears.

He pulled back from Allen, head hung just enough to trail his hair between Allen's eyes and his face—curtaining his expression from the other. "…I do…"

"No…you don't. You…" Part of Allen wanted to let him. Part of him wanted to embrace it and run with it, but the other part wanted to curl up and cry. He couldn't take advantage of this now. He couldn't… No matter how much he wanted to accept this. Not when he was just steps from being who he was supposed to be. "You're not you…"

A dejected whisper followed, "I don't have to be…"

"Wha…"

"…I don't have to be him again…I can be someone else. If I go back to him, I'll just…go right back to being that bastard." Words were slipping like his sense of self. His emotions settled and he could feel himself detaching from everything…everything but Allen. Allen was the only thing withstanding his cold personality, sneaking into his heart before his emotional walls coiled back up around him, impenetrable and barbed.

"But that's you, Kanda. It's who you are. We care about Kanda as Kanda is. I care about you as you were and as you are now and always."

"I don't get you."

Allen blinked, his hand stretched out instinctively to brush the hair back from the man's face, fingers grazing warm skin. "What don't you get?"

"You love me. You said it. You said you…you said you…But…Goddamnit," eyes averted once they'd been exposed. He wore a grit face, hot from frustration at his inability to express things he wasn't even familiar with.

_I hate this. _

_I HATE THIS. _

_This isn't right. _

_I…_

…_can't…_

…_do…_

…_this…_

He shut his mind off.

Hair cascaded between them as he closed the space. He had no more words. His brain couldn't function in commands beyond what he could express with his body. It was out of his reach, because thinking was never his strong point. In battle, he sliced first and asked questions later. In conversations, he screamed and barked before talking it out. In this…he had to trust himself to get out of whatever he'd fuckin done to himself. He had to just act and hope he didn't damage himself beyond repair, not to mention his partner in crime there. When his lips grazed Allen's, he had to convince himself he wasn't falling and that there had to be a bottom somewhere if he was.

When would he hit the bottom and how broken would it make him?

How long to heal from this grave he was digging himself into?

He didn't even contemplate it. He simply took Allen in a suffocating kiss, straddling the boy's lap like a lover and not even making an indication that he was embarrassed by it. This was Allen. Not the Noah. This was the mouth his subconscious was screaming for. When he came back breathless, he knew he was lost. _What have I done…_

Allen's face was flushed. His pale hair made the tinge of scarlet stand out and something in Kanda wanted nothing more than to just devour him. The feverish need spread between them like an infection and Allen's arms curled around his torso, pressing him closer. The soft touches between them were nothing like this. This was white hot.

Like fire.

Tongues clashed like waves and Allen shifted, moving his body into Kanda's. If he ever felt complete…well, he was feeling it. He wanted everything about it. His brain screamed all the logic in the world at him, but what good would logic do when he was already setting himself up for failure? This man in his arms was Kanda. Even if he was a little different, everything about him was the same man. He loved this fool. If the words that fool spoke were true now, then he wouldn't regret the actions later.

Even if Kanda killed him.

Even if Kanda scorned and hated him in the end.

He had his real love right then. It was real. It was hot. It was consuming his will to protest and bringing him a rapture his heart needed. Relief was flooding his aching soul and for a moment in time, neither of them had silly pride to block them off.

Neither of them thought about the consequences.

Mismatched fingers unbuttoned the white shirt hugging Kanda's body while the older man's fingers pressed into his back, lifting his shirt in its path. Quiet pants littered the air between them and clothing dropped to the floor beside the bed.

_Don't think. _

_Just feel. _

_Words aren't needed. _

Allen pressed kisses into his jaw, trailing to his neck; taking in everything about him. The way he breathed…the way his heart pounded in rhythm to his own pounding heart. They were both riddled with anxious nervousness. They were clouded with emotions of want, fear, love, and everything else they could put a name to.

"Are you sure?" The younger exorcist asked, basking in the early morning light from the window that changed everything.

A needy kiss took over his mouth, breathing into him and seemingly burrowing into his soul. "Life is too short, for regret."

Whether regret would follow, was something they would deal with later.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Yeah, I should have mature rated it, if you think I need to, let me know and I'll up it to M. I tried to keep it out of that rating. _

_And yeah, they went there. Haw haw, bet you didn't see that coming. _

_I know it seemed mighty sudden, but trust me. This isn't even the climax…well, for the story anyway. It was the best choice for optimal drama! I LIVE FOR DRAMA. _

_**Kayce Hurd:** I'll try!**  
>YukiaSmith01<strong>: I hope that's not a bad thing.**  
>Sunfeil<strong>: I've been writing for a while, I guess I learned something!**  
>EXO718:<strong> Weeeeell. The direction I'm going isn't going to be that easy to determine yet. I can't really say anything, but you'll see. There are only 14 Noah! Just remember that.**  
>Fallen Angel Of The Forgotten<strong>: I always listen to music. Mostly boyband crap from the 90s XD and Whitney Houston. Haha!**  
>Marufu-chan<strong>: I'm much better now! Thank ya~**  
>Ceraculbort<strong>: You'll see! I can't spoil anything for you just yet!_

_And Moyashi-darling,** Eurythmiic**: This was for you, cause I love you. To death. Forever. Hold me._

_~ Merry Christmas.  
>And Happy Birthday to Allen~!<em>


	25. Aftermath

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Five<em>

_Thunk. _

_Thunk._

_Thunk!_

"Augh, Timcanpy…stop it. My head doesn't need to be smashed in. Knock it off." A hand reached out to defend from the golem's abuse. His mis-colored hand shooed him away and he rolled back over against the body that had taken the space next to him. Allen sighed contently and nuzzled his face against the man's temple. The warm sun and the cool breeze made his room feel like a haven. He was in a place between sleepy bliss and comfortable consciousness.

_Thunk. Thunk. Thunk! _

"Hnnn. Tim, go away."

Movement next to him made him open his eyes again and he almost let a subconscious mewl sound slip out when lips found his and nibbled softly at his own. For the man who was like a stone—with a ten foot thick aura of ice around him—Kanda sure had soft lips. He reveled in it. The warm limbs that tangled with his own felt surreal. The arms that curled around him and embraced them flush together brought a tingling sensation of delight to his core. "I don't think that was Timcanpy that time."

"Hnn?"

"We fell back to sleep," the older man spoke quietly. "Must have been for a few hours at least."

_Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!_

"Heeeey! You guys overslept! Come on!"

Allen and Kanda's eyes snapped wider and they stared at each other, sudden realization hitting them both, causing them to simultaneously sit up. Allen stared at the door, "Oh god, Lavi."

"Hnnn. Shut up, idiot. We'll be right out," Kanda called, trying to collect his wits. Thank god the door was locked. It would have been incredibly hard to explain why they were naked and wrapped up in each other—not to mention why their clothes were scattered where they'd been haphazardly tossed. On top of everything else, Kanda was certain they needed to change the sheets. They'd tired themselves out rather thoroughly—before they could really pick up the mess they'd made.

Kanda's mind drifted momentarily as he crawled out of the bed. He never imagined it would…feel that good. Not with Allen especially; but then, he supposed he never really even imagined going that far with any person. Probably ever. His skin crawled when Lenalee hugged him. He shirked out of every bit of contact Lavi had forced upon him—whether it be annoying buddy hugs or his teasing prodding. Yet…that beansprout waltzed in, showed him his dedicated affection and ended up unfurling him completely.

It didn't feel wrong to be pressed that close. It didn't feel wrong to be kissed by him. It didn't feel wrong to give him everything. Nothing personal was left. They'd experienced each other in ways they hadn't with anyone else. As he collected his discarded shirt, he felt a tingling sensation pooling in him again. Even thinking about it made him…want it again. A flicker of concern pressed through his mind…hoping that this wasn't an early sign to nymphomania.

He could vividly recall the way those hands touched him. Gentle reminisces of his tongue seemed to be tattooed into brain. The way they moved together was hasty and full of unsuppressed need, but it was mind shatteringly pleasurable. Biting his lip, he conceded to pull his white shirt on and begin buttoning it; trying to ignore how feverish his face felt suddenly.

A cool hand brushed over his cheek and he jumped a little. "Are you okay, Kanda? We weren't that prepared…and you hadn't been feeling too well…you could have gotten sick…"

Dark eyes closed, shadowed by slight embarrassment. "No. I'm fine. Just…thinking."

"Thinking? What about?" Allen followed his lead and moved out of the bed. He picked up his black slacks and Kanda's too, passing them over to him.

Kanda froze. The swell of embarrassment crawled back in and he felt like his face was boiling under his skin. How does one simply tell the other person, _'let's do it again…and again. And once more…_

_...for good measure.'_

"…Kanda, there's blood in the…are you sure you're okay?" The concerned voice flooded into the older man's ears and he wasn't sure if he was lucky the other question got overridden, or if he felt on the spot again for not telling him about the little bit of pain he'd pretended hadn't happened.

"It's fine."

"You didn't tell me—"

A long finger pressed against Allen's lips and the boy shut up rather quickly. "It's fine, damn it. The pain lasted very, _very _briefly."

"I could hav—"

"We didn't have much to work with. I heal quickly," he stated factually, before a grin trickled across his face. "You'd be limping if it were you in my place."

"Bu…but your face is hot, feveri—"

That didn't help quell the heat in his face or the pit of his stomach. In fact, it brought him right back to what started the conversation. Allen was so much more innocent than he was if he wasn't mentally replaying their…sizzling union. He glanced over at Allen, unknowing of just how erotic his expression came off as, "you know what I'm thinking."

Allen flushed at the implication and he turned his gaze, giving off a distinct impression that his mind was flickering over the same exact thoughts. It was a little late to be shy, but Allen couldn't help but feel a little hot around the ears. All his brain could think of was the way that man had huskily whispered his name in his ear…

"Now look who's feverish."

"…S…shut up. BaKanda," Allen turned his head and bit his lip. "Either way…next time…let's be more prepared? I don't like the idea of you bleeding because of me."

_Next time?_ An anticipating warmth spread through his body. "I recall being half responsible for it."

"Yeah…wel—"

_Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!_

"Beeeaaaaansprout! Yuuuuuuu! Come on already! Quit making out and let's go!"

"Will you shut up out there?" Kanda growled and threw Tim at the door on a whim, letting the sound of the golem hitting the wood deter him. "We're picking up left over glass from the window, now back the fuck off."

A whisper came from his left, "good save. If even slightly possible…he really…doesn't need to know about…"

Long fingers worked through black hair and Kanda tied the locks back into their usual place. "He'll never leave you alone, if he happens to catch wind of it."

"Never leave _me_ alone? Why not you?" Allen questioned, lacing his belt through his reacquired pants, his shirt hanging loosely.

"Because I'll kill him." He moved to collect his boots and surveyed the state of the room. Most of the clothing had been put neatly aside or worn. The bed was still a bit of a mess, but Lavi wouldn't notice the difference in that with as swiftly as they planned to exit the scene.

"He's not threatened by me at all." Allen sighed momentarily before a brow lifted and his expression changed. "Also, I was surprised that you don't wear anything under the slacks."

A small cough escaped Kanda, who was poking at the returned Timcanpy as a distraction. "…Tch." All he could come up with was a sound effect. He'd never been called out on that, but it wasn't entirely his fault that he didn't find the uniforms entirely too comfortable when worn the 'usual' way.

"Hahaha! That's cute."

"Shut up, it is not."

Allen adjusted his neck tie and stood in front of the window for a moment. He didn't mind the hole in the wall all too much. It might be a bit of a pain when it got unbearably cold, but for now he wanted to leave it as it was. It was almost a kind of symbolism to him now. The glass had been a good metaphor to the walls of restraint he'd had left. And apparently the restraint his partner in crime had been clinging to. When he picked up the glass, he'd picked up some pieces of himself in it without knowing. They were soldiers, but that didn't mean they couldn't be allowed some sort of reprieve. Of course, they couldn't exactly share it with everyone. ... What with sodomy being unaccepted by the church and neither of them were keen on being persecuted for showing affection.

"Come on or I'm coming in there!"

"Lavi, shut up! We're coming out. Stop being impatient." Allen snapped, getting annoyed by the goofy man's persistence.

"Walk quickly and shut the door. Before he notices anything."

"You're the one with the most evidence BaKanda."

"That's your fault." He flushed in response, gathering Tim in a hand and pushing Allen toward the door. "If we hadn't fallen asleep, then we could have gone to bathe."

"That's both our faults..." Allen groused quietly, turning the door knob and quickly brushing passed Lavi; Kanda following right behind, shutting the door swiftly. The older man threw Tim at Lavi, taking a small enjoyment at the grunt that came from the man's throat when the golem connected with his shoulder.

The redhead whined, "Finally! Took you guys long enough. And why is your window broken?"

"That's none of your business, idiot." Kanda snapped, standing just behind Allen with his hands in his pockets. He wasn't sure how to act around Lavi, knowing full well that the obnoxious brat could pick up changes in the smallest of details. That was a troublesome little skill, when he was trying not to make it obvious that something had happened. Somehow, he suspected he'd failed before he'd even tried. Especially with the way Lavi was looking him over.

"Well it's almost ten in the morning!"

"Yes, Lavi, forbid if we actually sleep a little."

"Hmm…You two were up to something."

The two in question exchanged brief looks; look which did not miss Lavi's gaze. What the looks meant was up for debate; but the bookman-in-training wasn't a fool. It shouldn't have taken them that long to exit the room. They would never sleep that late. They also left the room and shut the door behind them in a hurry. Allen's expression looked brighter and there was a relaxed aura around the other man, who was horrible at masking those kinds of things. Not to mention, they were obviously trying to hide something from him. _They really did think they could pull it off, didn't they_. Lavi smiled. It was almost cute.

"Why would you say that, Lavi?"

"Oh come on. You two are acting weird." Lavi smiled mischievously. He wasn't precisely sure what happened, but if his assumption was correct; then he might actually be pleased with this development. "I'm sure Lenalee will agree with me too."

Allen jumped on the potential topic change, "Where is she?"

"She just went to the washrooms. We were with her brother this morning with our Innocence. Small adjustments. She sent me to retrieve you, so we can make our excursion into town. Komui gave me the list of things we need to pick up."

"Wait, do you mean I have time to get a bath?" Kanda perked.

"I don't see why not. Beansprout and I can go get breakfast, yeah~!" Lavi jumped on the chance to wrap his arm around the boy's shoulder and sent Kanda the biggest shit eating grin he could muster, knowing exactly what he was accomplishing with it. The twitch he'd easily detected proved his success.

The victim of Lavi's antagonizing was almost breaking his teeth with how hard he was grinding them. He didn't care for Lavi hanging on Allen, but that he could tolerate. Lavi just…did that. But beansprout was _his_ name for Allen. "…Stop calling him that."

"But it's cute, Yuu~!"

The way he looked at Kanda was nothing short of challenging. He was daring Kanda to do something…which, he couldn't…due to the hole he'd dug himself into. He was planning to tell Allen everything, just…on his own time and not at Lavi's leisure. Letting out a brief snarl, he turned away. "I'm going to catch a bath real quick."

"Okay. We'll be in the dining hall then. I'm sure I won't be done before you. I managed to work up an appetite."

Kanda flushed a little at his word choice. _Worked up and appetite. Hn… _"Tch." He answered and stalked off, plucking Timcanpy out of the air to bring with him. He found himself doing that more frequently. Perhaps he was getting that used to the annoying little golem.

The two watched him go before they turned for their destination. Allen was blissfully unaware of the way Lavi was all but inspecting him. Everything from the way he blinked to the way he walked; the bookman junior was taking it in. Now, Lavi didn't like to seem cliché—even in his own head—but Allen Walker was glowing. He was smiling real smiles, walking with a bounce in his step and everything seemed cheery. _Oh Allen, if you thought you could keep __**that**__ from me~. _

"So…how was it?"

Those cheery eyes cast over his way, "was what?"

"Well, the sex of course~!"

Lavi almost barked a laughed at the "guilty as charged" expression of horrific embarrassment that passed Allen's features. The poor kid couldn't recover from that. Even if he'd been blind guessing, that would have given it away. "I…don't know…what you mean."

"Come on Allen~ You tried, but neither of you are good enough to slip by me~ Even your cute poker face just isn't enough~" He poked Allen's cheek. "So~. Spill it! Was it good~?"

Allen could have died from heart failure right then. Kanda was right. Lavi wasn't going to let him get out of this one.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Trust me. I know what I'm doing here. Just enjoy :3 _

_200 reviews! Wow guys, thanks :3  
><em>

_**Lotus Seed:** I'm being nice to them for a few chapters. Until I break them some how in the future. xD Poor Darlings.**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> I won't go into any details that wouldn't be appropriate. I don't think anyway.**  
>Kayce Hurd:<strong> Yeaaah, if only I hadn't rated it T right? XD?**  
>YukiaSmith01:<strong> Mwahaha. I shattered everyone's expectations. But I have a reason!**  
>Ceraculbort:<strong> You'll see c: The Noah has importance, but I can't tell what yet~ That would give away the surprise.**  
>EXO718:<strong> Kanda is definitely not a thinker xD Though Allen totally benefited from it.**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> Allen totally scored XD These two with reason is like Komui without a sister complex. It doesn't exist XD_

_And my **Moyashi,** You know you tingled in your special places. Merry Christmas, lav. I DOET ALL FOR YOU!_


	26. Torture

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Six<em>

Allen sat uncomfortably as he ever had, across from Lavi. The food set before him was the only distraction he had offered to him and it didn't seem like enough when he took his sudden nervousness into consideration. His appetite was fighting with his discomfort. And it really wasn't his fault on this one. He was suddenly jealous of Kanda managing to get out of such a…situation. At the same time, Kanda didn't know that Lavi was aware of what they did. It could be more beneficial that way; at least that was Allen's thought process.

"So...give me details."

Allen choked on the very first thing he took a bite of. Coughing uncomfortably, he looked around and surveyed the population. He was hoping that there would be enough people to justify using them as an excuse. But no one could overhear them when they were sitting—in a corner, ten tables away from the closest people to them. "L...Lavi...I can't...give details!"

"Sure ya can, beansprout. Just tell me all the delicious things you did!"

"Oh my god... Lavi..." The younger man thought he was going to die if Lavi didn't stop. He didn't even think he would be capable of speaking what they did without his face lighting on fire.

"Okay, okay. I'll go easy on you. So... Who started it~?"

"How is this going easy on me!" He shook his head and tried very hard to focus on any of the food before him.

"Come on, beansprout. You came to me at stupid o'clock in the morning freaking out because you were all up on him _then_. Now out with it~. I'll start tellin' everyone our lil beansprout got laid, if you hold out on me."

"You wouldn't..."

"Oh but would I~?" Lavi's grin was sickeningly convincing. It was almost a catlike smirk, pressing his lips together to give off an air of innocence tainted with malice. Lavi was evil.

_Evil. _

Allen turned his head away, unable to look him in the eyes, "W… well... He… uhm… kissed me first," he squeaked out quietly. _Oh my god. I can't believe I'm telling him this. _

"Yuu started it? Who knew he was so forward!" A chuckle escaped the redhead and he had to make an effort to just imagine Kanda Yuu making advances. It was…kind of _hilarious._ "Okay, who topped?"

"T…topped…Laviiii…." Allen whined, drawing the name out as discomfort seemed to repeatedly nail him in the throat.

"Come on beansprout. Out with it~"

Placing his head on a table, Allen groaned and hid his eyes in his arm. "T….technically…he…erm…gaah."

"Hm…he was then? Interesting…You healed pretty quickly overnight, beansprout. If you're not even limping from it…"

The poor boy had to take deep breaths to keep from fainting from sheer horror. This conversation was painfully personal and somehow, he wasn't surprised that Lavi would show him **no mercy**. "W…well, it wasn't…last night."

"Wasn't?" The green eye blinked, confused. "When exactly…?"

"…This morning."

"This morning!"

A mumble slipped out from within the fabric of the sleeve Allen was hiding in, "a ...couple hours before you came banging on my door."

"Really?"

Lavi leaned in closer to Allen, and the younger man could feel just how close he was. It wasn't helping make him feel less cornered. The bookman junior was too excited about this. Sure, he'd gone to Lavi…shared his feelings and fears…but he didn't think the price was disclosing his personal business—much less his personal business about his first actual experience with…that. It wasn't easy to control his physical response. He could feel the heat in his face and almost fanned himself off. "Yes…Lavi."

"Like…wait…that was your first time, right?"

"…Yes," he couldn't help the little whimper that slipped out after.

"You said he…topped, but you walked in here just fine…"

"He was…oh god…I hate you, Lavi…" Allen cried, lifting his head from the table and placing his hands over his face, propping himself on his elbows.

"Out with it~"

"He was…on top…physically."

The bookman sat back and tried to make sense of what little jumbled information Allen was actually giving him. Poor thing was having a hard time and he almost felt bad. Almost. "Waaaait. So, he topped, but he didn't…he," the redhead let out a chuckle that almost resembled a disgustingly wicked giggle, "he rode you?"

A sudden and loud smack noise actually startled Lavi and he jumped back before he realized it was Allen's face colliding with the table. He hesitantly prodded at the boy, "…Allen?"

"Augh…I'm sorry," Allen grumbled, not moving from his position. If he gave himself a concussion, he didn't have to think about what the hell Lavi had just said. If he didn't think about it, he didn't risk his body's natural reaction to it. It didn't need to recall those details right then. "You just have the worst word choice ever."

"My bad. But it's accurate, ain't it?" No need to be embarrassed. Shoot, that sounds like an awesome first time, buddy. I mean, Yuu's pretty hot, eh? With how icy he is all the time, I bet when he unwinds he's absolutely crazy in the sac—"

"STOP! Please just…" Allen flushed, lifting his face to look at Lavi. "Please just stop…My brain can't handle it right now…It happened just a few hours ago and I'm gonna have a problem if you don't shut your mouth."

"Alright, alright…But I'm so proud of you beansprout. Yuu made you a man."

Allen's eyes widened and he snapped, "**hey!** Keep that down will you? We don't need the whole Order knowing about it. You're not even supposed to know!"

"Like you two could hide it from me, you cute things, you. Deflowering each other like that~."

More pitiful cries came from the younger exorcist. He couldn't stand it and almost risked Lavi's horrible rumor spreading to run off, but he refrained…sitting there rigidly. If Kanda had been there, Lavi would be in pieces across the dining room—that is if he didn't die of embarrassment too. Of course, Kanda's level of embarrassment was directly proportional to the amount of violence he acted out.

"So…how long did you last?"

"LAVI!" He screamed involuntarily, before clamping his hand over his mouth to prevent another shout. He'd already gained attention of those people several tables away who'd just heard him.

"Shh, Allen, they'll hear you."

"No _kidding_!" Shaking his head, he conceded to simply rubbing his temple. "Look… Lavi, I told you enough, didn't I? That was more than I wanted to share…really. It was a special moment…" He looked off—slightly embarrassed, but not ashamed in the least. It was a special moment. In fact, it was probably the best moment of his life that he could remember.

"The following moments are even more special, you know. Can you imagine it now. You come back from a particularly tiring mission and find him sleeping in your bed…looking all sorts of delicious…Then you crawl into bed and realize he's total nake—"

Lavi ducked at the attempt Allen made to swat him upside the head. It was just too easy to get under the kid's skin. He was a little wiser to the ways of interacting with people than the beansprout, so those things never really bothered him. He could see how Yuu and Allen had clicked so well, once Yuu was forced to actually be human for a change. The bookman would definitely admit that he didn't see any of that coming though. Not the fact that they actually went through with it—let alone the fact that Allen wasn't walking with a limp.

Though, it did make sense the other way. Allen couldn't hide it as well as someone who could heal being nearly cleaved in two and walk away looking immaculate afterwards. Really, from a logical perspective, Yuu would be the one best suited to take it… Of course, that thought just made Lavi cackle to himself.

"Alright, I'm done. I'm done. I promise. I think it's damn adorable though. You two are like blushing kids. It's like watching you grow up!" He clapped his hands together with a pseudo-sniffle.

"You're just amused by my suffering. You're cruel."

"Oh come on. I'm not trying to make you suffer. You don't regret it do you?"

"No. Not at all."

"Then there's nothing wrong with it. What goes on in your private sanctuaries is no one's business—except mine. It's my business of course~"

"It is not." Allen frowned and took a bite out of a piece of bread that could have gone stale with how long he had ignored it up to that point. "I'm not telling you every time, so don't get your hopes up."

"Every time? Ohoho? Are you planning another sexy rendezvous?"

"I didn't say that, Lavi! I just said that I'm not disclosing anything else, should it come to pass."

"Do you want it to 'come to pass' again?"

"Yes—I mean…I..."

A brow lifted and the owner gave the young man a questioning look, "That was a pretty quick response, beansprout~. You were having such doubts before. It seems like you flipped the coin here. What happened?"

Letting a sigh pass his lips, Allen calmed his heart and let himself settle from his nearly brain shattering discussion with Lavi. "He told me he loved me. It just…cracked me. I guess."

If Lavi had ever been surprised in his life, it was right then. He couldn't think of any other situation that had shocked him more, really. Kanda Yuu was notoriously anti-social. He was notoriously cold and dispassionate. He was possibly the most unloving person he'd ever met. And he admitted loving Allen? What ever the kid had done to break down the stubborn swordsman, he deserved some kind of award. "Whoa…he…really?"

"Yeah. Underneath all his armor, he's just like the rest of us. He's just as insecure. He's just as warm as the next person, surprisingly."

"Well," Lavi smiled, "I'm glad for you. I'm glad you guys figured your mess out. Though, I never would have predicted you two like that, but stranger things have happened, right?"

"I suppose so. At least I don't have to worry about a psychotic older brother who would filet me if I even touched him. Not like someone else."

Lavi blinked and opened his mouth before he closed it again, taking a moment to think as a grin trailed across his face, "I see what you did there, Allen. But there's nothing between Lenalee and I."

"Yet."

"You can't play that game better than me, beansprout~. I can make you squirm if I want."

"I wouldn't want to make Lenalee jealous," Allen said passively, taking a gulp from his glass of water.

"So…Allen…~ What kinda sex faces does Yuu make?"

As predicted, Allen violently reacted. Lavi, however, hadn't planned on being sprayed with the water the boy had just decided to attempt to drink. He made a face and shook his hands, wiping the water spray from his face. "I win." He announced.

"I dislike you a lot," Allen coughed and wiped his mouth, setting his drink down.

"Oh come on! I'm harmless~" He grinned smugly, despite being covered in a combination of Allen's saliva and water. "Regardless. I'm glad you guys got passed this little thing you had. It's good he finally told you he got all his memories back."

The look that passed over Allen's face did not match what he was expecting. Not at all. In fact, it was the complete opposite and he felt a pool of dread well up in the pit of his stomach. He watched Allen's countenance to a complete inversion from what it had been moments before. From the way Allen's eyes darkened and his jaw tensed, he was suddenly getting the feeling that Yuu hadn't actually mentioned that…He was under the impression that Allen would never…go that far otherwise.

Those silver eyes stared into nothingness for a long moment. The way the silence seemed to creep between them sent chills through him. He knew that familiar chill… It was eerily calm, yet it was suffocatingly powerful.

Allen was quickly dissolving into a state of furiousness.

"He didn't tell me anything…" His voice sounded numb. Allen felt numb. His brain wrapped around the words that Lavi had unknowingly broken his mind with. "Nothing at all."

"Allen…Are you okay?"

The angry boy stood up, fists clenching and his chest hurting a little. The happy feeling he'd woken up to was a little deflated now. He shouldn't have been entirely too surprised…he'd even brushed his mind with the thought, but after what they did…He was beyond reason. Lavi's voice went ignored and he paid no attention to the redhead who was now following him as he stormed out of the dining hall to track down the bastard who had lied directly to his face.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: You may think otherwise, but I really do love these two. _

_**WakeToSanity**: Haha, if you thought last chapter was bad. Poor Allen's getting all his emotions tried on now.**  
>Rae2009<strong>: You broke my inbox, you slut.**  
>Book Thief101:<strong> I have so many plans to act out. Much Neah is involved, so I really do hope you love him haha. And I originally posted it on Christmas for a Christmas present for everyone. Allen has a lucky birthday!**  
>KayceHurd:<strong> Haha, I don't wanna change this one. But the sequel is probably gonna have to be.**  
>EXO718:<strong> Haha, technically Kanda controlled it XD Allen is just a lucky boy.**  
>YukiaSmith01<strong>: I like doing that. I like drama too XD**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> Thank you, dear~**  
>Lotus Seed<strong>: These poor kids can't get passed the Lavi!**  
>Soaha<strong>: Lavi sure did, omg.**  
>IrukaAsato:<strong> I wanted to get the ball rolling, but not to fast, that's why it's taken like…24 chapters for shit to happen. Haha. _

_And **Moyashi, **I love teasing you so hard. Don't kill me for this chapter, plz. I promises I'll give you all the lovin's. Just don't snap me like a twig. _


	27. Lies

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Seven<em>

Timcanpy flapped spastically next to his long haired companion. His strange little mouth opened and pulled on the end of the man's hair only to be swatted at after they exited the wash rooms. "Tim, stop it. I just washed my hair."

"Kanda?" A soft voice trickled into the hall from behind him.

He turned to see the pleasant face of Lenalee as she exited a room on the other side of the hall—undoubtedly the women's washroom. She was toweling off her shorter hair and dressed in what he assumed was her town clothes. She could have worn her uniform and still looked town ready, though. She had the most inviting face of them. "Hn."

"Good morning to you too," she chuckled and walked closer to him. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes."

"That's great." She stood just in front of him, her pleasant aura threatening to infect him like a happy plague that he almost wanted to flee from. "Brother is working on Mugen now. He told me to tell you that he won't do anything wrong to it. So you can rest easy while we're in town."

"I can't rest easy without Mugen."

"Fair enough…" She chuckled and took to petting Timcanpy, who had settled by her shoulder. If there was one thing that could be said for Timcanpy, it was that he liked girls. Lenalee was even more special, because no one disliked her.

"I don't really want to leave…"

"I know, but my brother thinks it'll be good for you. You've been cooped up here for two months, Kanda. You need to get out."

"Tch."

Lenalee sighed a bit, but expected that sort of response out of him. He wasn't one to change his ways even at the cost of his mentality. It was ingrained in him. All she could do was push him along and give him a little support. "So where are Lavi and Allen? Allen is usually with you."

"He went with the idiot to get breakfast."

"Well, shall we go meet with them?" She asked, watching Timcanpy flail about at her shoulder. "Tim? Is something wrong?"

"He started acting like that when we walked out," Kanda rolled his eyes and pulled the towel from his shoulder, draping it over his arm. It wasn't normal for Tim to act spastic for no reason and it unsettled him a little bit.

Lenalee reached out to hold Timcanpy and the golem calmed, but continued to flap its wings restlessly. She cast a glance to Kanda, who didn't seem very interested in the way the golem was acting. It was just a golem after all…but Timcanpy was somewhat special. "Maybe Tim needs to get out too."

"It's a golem." Kanda let out a little 'tch' and started off in the direction of the dining hall, pausing briefly to wordlessly signal Lenalee. Before he could get very far, however, he heard a voice—loud and obnoxious—travelling up the hall. It sounded suspiciously like Lavi…Lavi didn't usually sound that panicked, though.

As if Lenalee was reading his mind, she stepped forward and listened, "Is that…Lavi?"

"_Allen! Calm down! Step back and think for a minute!_"

Timcanpy flapped again in Lenalee's hands until she could no longer hold the golem. It lifted away from her and zipped straight over to Kanda, bouncing against his head—much to the dismay of the dark haired man. Timcanpy fluttered frantically and pressed against Kanda's neck, hiding behind the long hair that was trailing down his back. "Timcanpy? What is your problem?"

Kanda stepped forward to turn the corner, trying to get Timcanpy out of his hair. He wanted to know what was going on and the beansprout's golem was getting in the way of it. What the thing was trying to accomplish, he didn't know; but he worked to flick the critter off him and ran smack into another body in the process.

"Allen?"

Lenalee's voice told him who the body belonged to. He looked down to the younger man and saw anger filled eyes that made him feel more uncomfortable than he'd ever felt in his life and he could feel that anger directed right at him. His eyes couldn't leave those silver ones that felt like they were blackened with something darker than should be in those eyes. He didn't like these eyes. They were worse than his empty ones.

"You bastard."

Those words from the beansprout's mouth felt like acid. It didn't take any amount of genius to figure out why he was angry, especially when glancing over his shoulder showed Lavi's mortified expression—like he knew he did something wrong. "Allen…what did I…?" He resigned to try, before placing his foot in his mouth if it was for something other than what his instincts were telling him.

"You know exactly what the hell you did, **BAKANDA**. And **stop** calling me **Allen.** I don't want to hear it off your lying mouth." Allen took a heavy breath, trying not to just scream at him until he couldn't. He was a mix of emotions. He felt…knew…that Kanda did care to some extend, but he felt like he was jerked around at the same time. That man had full knowledge of everything that Allen was trying desperately to get back to him. That man had allowed what they'd done that morning to take place without even opening his damn mouth to tell the truth.

He'd braced himself for the possibility that Kanda was playing dumb. Now that conversation with Miranda he'd overheard made a lot of sense, but he really never thought the one who said he loved him would continue to keep a secret like that. Could he only care about Allen, if he didn't have all of himself?

"You don't really give a shit do you?" Allen clenched his jaw, feeling bruising words slip into his mind and out his mouth.

"What?" The question honestly surprised Kanda. Possibly from the word choice; possibly from the cold dispassion that had leaked into his tone.

"If you cared…you'd have told me. Instead, you let me be a fool. Lavi knew. Lavi's the one who let it slip out, because even he thought you'd have the decency to tell me before fucking me." Allen dropped his head and covered his mouth to steady himself to try to keep himself from letting any tears even start in his eyes. He didn't want to _feel_ while he was letting his heart bleed out. He could feel all the disappointment and heartache later when he was tucked away quietly in his room.

_If he loved me, he'd have told me. _

"You don't understand…"

"What the hell don't I understand, Kanda? You realize everything between us was a lie, because I was just happy enough to have what I had of you? I wasn't even allowed to have the _you_ that you were keeping hidden. I wasn't even allowed to know you were back in your right mind. Then again, you'd have to be out of your mind to even think I'd never find out!"

"I didn't keep it from you to spite you, damnit." Kanda growled back. He didn't want to fight with Allen, but Allen was a hothead just like he was. It was his instincts to bark back when he was cornered and he felt extremely cornered. _I brought this on myself. _

"Then what? What made you think this would be a good idea? You idiot!"

"What do you want me to say to you, Allen! That I did it to make a mockery of you? You think I'd sleep with someone for some fucking stupid vengeance trick! I never hated you enough to stoop to those levels!"

The smaller exorcist's arm shot out before he could even control himself. His fingers curled around the man's neck, pulling him closer until he was putting painful pressure on the bones of man's jaw. Kanda's eyes closed tight at the sudden jerking motion and he found he couldn't form the words due to the pressure in his throat and jawbones. Allen wasn't one to resort to violence as a solution, but Kanda was a different story entirely. Kanda wasn't breakable like that.

"You didn't _like_ me enough to be straight forward with me, though. Even though you told me you _loved _me. You looked at me and told me to my face. **To my face!**"

Kanda struggled against his grip and curled his own fingers around Allen's wrist, trying to loosen the pressure enough to grumble something back. "I…**meant** it…you moron."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"I never **lied to you.** I just never **told you.**"

Kanda would never admit it aloud, but his heart was thumping almost painfully. Every anxiety he thought he could feel was attacking him all at once and he almost felt dizzy from it. Emotions were those pesky things that he tossed in a corner to be forgotten throughout his whole life and now those unused emotions were eating him alive and making him almost sick to his own stomach. He wanted to close his eyes and have the whole thing be over, but he knew that wasn't how this worked.

"Is that really much better! Do you know how much I worried and stressed over you! Over the idea that you could snap out of your memory loss and **hate me**? And then you told me all of that garbage about not wanting to be 'that person you were'. You were all along! You were lying to me then."

"**No I wasn't.**" Sucking in a deep breath and forcing himself to wrench free of Allen's grip, Kanda sunk to the floor. The dizziness invaded his senses and he felt an uncomfortable tightening in his chest. "I didn't…don't…goddamnit." He choked, trying to breathe. Expression had never worked for him before and it was failing him now. The price of cutting off all ties to humanity.

"I'm hurt, Kanda. I'm hurt that you'd let me fall hopelessly and then hold this over me. You know what the worst part is?" Allen stepped back, feeling a bit numb. "I don't regret any part of it. But I feel like I've been left outside of some unfair joke. That you told Lavi…that makes it even worse."

"I didn't tell Lavi…" He shook his head, staring at the floor. He didn't have the willpower to see Allen's face. "He found out on his own. I told him not to tell you. So it's not his fault."

"You…you intentionally told him not to…Goddamnit Kanda..." Emotional turmoil flickered over Allen's face as clear as day to both people who had been there since it started. Neither Lenalee nor Lavi could step into it. Lenalee didn't even know what to think about it all; she'd been much more clueless unlike Lavi.

"Again, what do you want me to say to you…That I'm sorry and I want to beg you to forgive me? I don't deserve forgiveness and I won't ask for it." He felt like folding in on himself. He felt so vulnerable that he couldn't stand it. "But I don't do shit for no reason, _beansprout._"

Some part of Allen finally did crack, hearing that word out of his mouth and fully directed at him. His heart couldn't take the conflicting feelings and he simply relieved his anxiety by dropped to his knees on the floor with Kanda, giving the man the swiftest slap to the face he could manage with his muddled mind. "I wish I could hate you."

"If you did, then I wouldn't have anything to live for anymore."

Allen's eyes widened and his gaze trailed up to the face that was angled away from him, cheek still red from the force of his slap. The man refused to meet gazes with him and he felt a wave of discomfort pass over him. He was angry. He was furious that Kanda had hid something so important. He was hurt that the trust was much shakier than he wanted to believe.

But he loved that stupid man.

He had no idea what to do. He needed time to think. He needed something. All he wanted was to turn back the hours and not get out of bed when Lavi pounded on the door. Blissful ignorance was better than the mesh of emotions that were shredding the harmonic peace they had. Could they just look over it? Or had it changed something? Kanda's secret changed a lot…but was it enough to stop this in its tracks? The younger man had been eating himself alive fretting over how this would turn out. Now that he was facing it, he didn't want to. He wanted to ignore it and turn back the clock.

He wanted a life that all he had to worry about was waking up next to Kanda. It was stupid to want for something like that when they were in the middle of a holy war, but even soldiers could dream.

"Why would you say something like that?" He whispered finally, tired and lacking the energy to even raise his voice.

"Because it's true. You just don't get it…You brain damaged me worse than the Teez, Allen." His voice was low and he missed the watery silver eyes that studied hard on him. His face was still turned away and he had no intention of looking at him. He couldn't…he just couldn't. "Before you. Before your stupid fucking _heart_ got involved, I didn't have this problem. I could push you away and not give a shit if I hurt your feelings….You broke me and I don't know what to do."

Kanda collected his wits and moved to stand again, trying hard not to shake in the process. He just wanted to crawl in a bed and sleep and pretend it hadn't happened. He kept his gaze from everyone else, especially Allen's.

"What I feel doesn't matter. I'll give you your space. Tell Komui I went to my room. That I don't feel good." The murmur was barely heard, but it made Allen's blood pressure rise. He wanted to reach out and tell him not to go, but he was still angry. There was something painful in the way Kanda's words had been since he'd told him he wished he could hate him—words he regretted saying at all.

Allen finally opened his mouth and spoke softly to the man facing away from him, "How long…have your memories been back?"

"…Since I walked in on your confession."

"Since…then…"

"Yeah." No more words came and Kanda started walking, leaving Allen there with the other two.

_Give me space…he said. He's not shutting me out…but he's leaving this on me…what a bastard. _

Yet Allen was appreciative.

Once his anger and hurt faded, he could try to fix it. He had something to cling to. Even if it was his reaction that had exploded their fight and Kanda's deception that caused that, there was still some thread of hope to clutch.

Because Kanda hadn't been the only one with nothing left to live for without the other. If he lost that man to something like this…He'd have lost another precious person. His only truly precious person.

He could be mad.

Furious.

And justifiably so. Kanda was in the wrong for hiding such a thing.

But this furious reaction of his was because he loved him. He loved him enough that something like that had seriously screwed with his mind, clouding his judgment. Allen wasn't any less impulsive than Kanda.

_I just need to breathe. _

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: You didn't think I'd go easy on you did you? IT'S THE WAY OF DRAMA. I started writing and I realized that I couldn't just open Kanda up yet like that. He's not the type to just slip everything out all at once. So I need to torture him for a while. _

_And holy shit, the response to this chapter XD_

_**WakeToSanity**: I love breaking characters and their damned happiness! But I give them rewards for their suffering!**  
>Marufu-chan<strong>: The cliff hangers will probably only get worse!**  
>Fallen Angel Of The Forgotten: <strong>Lavi is such a booger, yes. And no deaths yet. Here's hopin for the best!**  
>IrukaAsato: <strong>At least the last big obstacle is out of the way!**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>I really need to go back and beta this story XD Hopefully I'll be better planned for that in the sequel.**  
>Lotus Seed: <strong>Lavi's probably been on the end of a spit take a few times, with how crazy he is.**  
>YukiaSmith01: <strong>They won't break over that c: But that doesn't mean I won't put them through hell!**  
>SunaLove: <strong>You're like me c: Their suffering brings you joy.**  
>Ceraculbort: <strong>I definitely love them XD That's why I hurt them!**  
>Sugahlei: <strong>All my brain could think of when you said "piano" was "well, that's convenient, but someone needs to tell Neah to keep his shit away from windows." XD**  
>Soaha<strong>: Just a lil D: but they're tough boys.**  
>Book Thief101<strong>: He sure is!**  
>EXO718: <strong>That's just Lavi for you!**  
>TWI-hard kristine101: <strong>XD Allen probably prefers Beansprout from him now. _

_And finally, **Moyashi** , HAWHAW you failed the review system, but I lav yew. Lavi is a stitch, I felt so bad for what I was doing to poor Allen XD but he's just so precious. And bitch plz, everyone knows that Kanda isn't a submissive receiver. Don't try to bs me, damn you. _


	28. Talk

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Eight<em>

A sigh escape the boy seated in between his two friends. Both of them had given him time to himself to let him think—if nothing else because they were afraid of his fury at the particular moment everything went down. Allen was a strange combination of furious and depressed and so they simply walked him to his room and let him think it out. Lenalee hadn't wanted to leave; but ultimately, Allen himself had asked them to just go away.

He'd spent the entire night and most of the morning thinking and with the lack of sleep catching up, he was sick of thinking. There were too many thoughts and doubts running through his mind at the moment and he was starving. Though, he didn't really feel like eating. Perhaps it was his lack of motivation to do anything other than exist or the fact that his mind was still centered on the one thing that had become his world.

The hurt feeling faded a bit and Allen tried to put together the pieces of Kanda's broken reasoning. If he'd been less hasty—less angry—they might have been able to simply talk and Allen could have found out right then what Kanda's problem was. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to him, simply because it was Kanda! That man wasn't an easy puzzle and he'd put a lot on him by simply loving him. He was certain that his dark haired partner wasn't used to feeling any of the things he'd managed to force into him.

He just wanted to go into the man's room and drag him back out, curl into his own bed with him and sleep. Sleep wasn't easy anymore without the body pressed into him. His warm bed felt cold and lonely and it was the primary reason he'd finally dragged himself out of his room. Well…that and food. Unlike others, he needed food badly. Without some nourishment, he wasn't going to be saving himself—let alone any world.

Lenalee ran into him in the hall first and they walked to the dining hall, where Lavi slipped into their collection. He did feel better with people around him, but there was an empty seat that he couldn't stop glancing over at.

"Allen?"

Breaking his gaze, he cast a look at Lenalee. He knew exactly what she wanted to ask and he was going to concede to answer her. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"No. I'm not really," he admitted against everything in him that told him to lie through his teeth and pretend he was perfectly fine. If he did that, then he really couldn't chide Kanda for his deceptions. It was a little bit of that concept that also, perhaps, contributed to the reason why his anger toward Kanda depleted a little. Allen was known for his masterful poker face. They really weren't all too different in those aspects. Though, the younger exorcist wasn't used to being on the receiving end of that.

"Is there anything we can do to help you?" Lavi added before Lenalee could voice the same words. Allen knew he felt guilty for being the cause of their falling out, but it wasn't Lavi's fault at all. He was just the unfortunate middle man.

"Just talk to me," he answered softly. Most things about Allen's life were kept in the tight enclosures of his mind, but these were people who knew about the situation. These were people who weren't exactly stupid to the relationship between him and Kanda.

He groaned a bit as the thought suddenly leaked back in…he'd blurted out that he'd had sex with Kanda. Well, Lavi already knew…but Lenalee hadn't exactly been following the situation. This was probably a bit of a surprise to her.

"What do you want to talk about Allen? I don't want to upset you anymore than already…"

"I know you're curious," he mumbled idly, head rested on his folded arms. "I'm okay with talking about it. I made a big enough show out of it. I probably should have pulled him aside instead of being…an idiot about it."

"It was understandable, Allen," Lavi said softly, "I didn't like what he was doing either. To be honest, I thought he was just messing with you…but I've never seen him like that. It may not mean much now, but I think he's really serious."

Allen glanced at Lavi. He needed to hear those words; whether he'd known he needed them before then, he couldn't be sure. But it did bring a sense of relief to him. "I just don't understand why he'd hide from me."

"You might have scared him a bit when he found out you loved him. I know that seems weird, but Yuu's weird."

"I guess…But…he said it back. If he could…say that, then…why? Just…I just want him, not an image of him he thinks I have."

"Maybe that's the problem here," Lenalee offered, staring down at her fingers as they laced together. She'd gathered that Lavi had been on it from the beginning and she knew much less than he did, but she did know how close the two of them were in regards to being near one another so much and she wasn't exactly blind. "Maybe he doesn't understand why you care about him."

"You think?"

"There's a good chance. I think you should talk to him."

Allen's eyes dropped back down and fell to the empty space at the table again. "I don't even know what to say to him. I told him I wished I could hate him and it wasn't true…but…I can tell he didn't take that so well."

"I don't think he believes you want to hate him, beansprout." Lavi stated confidently, leaning back in the chair and giving him an earnest smile to enforce his belief. "Yuu doesn't give his affection away easily and if he didn't firmly believe that you were just angry at the time, then he'd have shut you out harder than ever. His door is unlocked you know."

"It's unlocked?"

"Yup. I went there to check on him. He threw Timcanpy at me and demanded I leave him alone, but that door is open. And not open for me or Lenalee. He left it open for you, I imagine."

"I guess I'll go talk to him soon then…I just…I don't know. He's such a jerk, but he's…he's…my jerk." He hid his face back in his arms and let another breath escape.

"He cares, after all…even he said he doesn't just sleep with anyone~"

"Lavi! Keep that down!" Allen jabbed him with his elbow. He wasn't ashamed of the thing they had, but he didn't want the entire world to know about it. He didn't consider himself _gay_ and he didn't consider Kanda _gay_ either, but they just happened to find their hearts in another of the same sex. It happened, but it wasn't acceptable in accordance with the religion. Not that he believed the religious garbage as much as he tried to or at least tried to make others think he believed, but as long as he was in the order, he had to comply.

"Sorry, beansprout~"

"So…" Lenalee started before wringing her fingers again, "You and Kanda….really…?" Her voice trailed off to an embarrassed whisper—as if saying it was going to set her face aflame. "_Had sex?_" She finally squeaked the final part of the question in such a mousy voice that it almost made Allen snort.

"Yes. I wasn't just saying it." He turned his head in his folded up arms and gave Lavi the glare he knew he'd have to. He predicted Lavi's expression and he wasn't denied it. "And you know, Lenalee," he went on absently—still crossing gazes with Lavi, who looked ready to start prodding at any given second, "…it was _damn_ _good_."

Lenalee's embarrassed laughter was secondary evidence that his choice of response was effective; Lavi's expression was the first. Lavi stuck out his tongue and turned his face away with a different kind of look plastered on his face.

"You're imagining it now, aren't you? You pervert."

"I am not! I'm just…okay, just a little."

Allen couldn't help the heat that trickled to his face, but he pushed it down—not willing to give Lavi the satisfaction of making him feel uncomfortable again. "Creeper."

Another soft chuckle came from his left, followed by a feminine throat clearing, "But seriously…I asked you that…personal question for a reason. Do you feel any regret for it at all?"

Allen let his thoughts carry him and bring him back to that moment when Kanda had pressed his lips against his and brought them to the brink of insanity before bringing them to a place he didn't want to ever leave. In that moment, all he'd felt was them. Everything else was unimportant—ignorable. It wasn't just a shadow of the dark haired man either, it was him. It was them. Did he regret it? Did he regret pressing the limits they should have set, knowing that Kanda's mind _could_ have really still been screwed up?

Somehow, Allen felt like even if it wasn't Kanda's mind—which now he knew it was—it was still Kanda's heart and body. Instincts knew what they were doing between them. He didn't know about the other man, but he knew he'd never felt that sort of tension for another person in his life. Sex and the like never really had a place in his life. Even thoughts of it as he travelled with his mentor through the red-light districts didn't make him react like Kanda's kiss.

"No…I don't. Because ultimately it was Kanda. I thought about it all last night and he didn't hate me afterwards, like I feared. Lavi is right; he did say he didn't sleep with someone for no reason. So he doesn't regret it either."

"You just need to sort out your thoughts. I'm sure he does too. He's not good at people. That's all there is to that."

"Yeah… Thank you, guys. I feel better now." Allen leaned back and groaned at the small pops and cracks in his spine. "I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm a bit tired."

"Okay. Oh, and Allen," Lenalee placed a hand on his arm to stop him from getting up just yet. "I think the two of you need each other. Don't let it slip away."

Allen smiled warmly at her. It was a real smile, even if tainted with a little of melancholy and anxiousness. "Thank you. I'll do my best."

He stood and stretched, turning from them to leave alone. It wasn't that he was skirting off from them because he didn't want to be around them. He really did appreciate their encouragement. It was just that now he had new things to think about. The love he had was for Kanda, not the image of Kanda that had grown along with his mind's return. That Kanda was just placing pieces until the full picture was clear. He found himself wanting Kanda's fists as much as his kisses. It was a strange paradox and maybe he had a little sliver of masochism in him after all.

The term _rage-sex _ came to mind and he found himself making an uncomfortable face at remembering that particular phrase being explained to him by Cross. He wasn't sure if it was uncomfortable because of the idea of Cross explaining it like he had or that he wondered what it would be like for them to fight until they ended up on the floor doing other things.

_My mind is in the gutter. I should be contemplating other things. _He scoffed to himself; but truthfully, it was a way to think about his current situation with Kanda in a light better than anger and guilt between them.

He moved down the hall toward his room. Sleeping wasn't really going to happen, it was silly to think he could even try. He'd gotten too used to Kanda's presence. The warmth of his bed mate had created an environment that he'd gotten too used to and desperately needed.

_When Link comes back, what will I do?_

The thought passed his mind and he stopped dead in the hall. _Wait, Link? _It felt like pieces were missing and he was focusing very hard to try and understand why his thoughts were slipping. _What… _

Shaking his head, he continued on his way, ignoring the strange inkling in the back of his mind and not noticing the shadow that was slowly reappearing in his reflection.

_**To Be Continued…**_

* * *

><p><em>AN: Hilarious story, I've already written 29. I accidentally wrote it before 28. How about that. So I guess an update is due for tomorrow! Unless I decide to be an asshole and hold out til the 1st of January._

_**YukiaSmith01: **I am actually that evil that I would do that on purpose. Yes.**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>I'm glad you enjoyed. Sometimes it feels hard to top previous chapters.**  
>EXO718: <strong>Oh yeah, he was furious. Poor thing.**  
>SenpaiNoSasuke: <strong>Every new chapter leaves me happyface. Kanda was ALL over him XD**  
>Bookthief101: <strong>That's a good summary, actually. Haha!**  
>Ceraculbort: <strong>Neah's not done yet. He's just taking a nap!**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>I dun mean to make ya cry. I just like torturing Allen. I write chapters too fast and post too frequently for a proper beta tester, haha. Normally I write them the same day I post them.**  
>WakeToSanity<strong>: I swear when I was writing it, it all just flowed out of its own accord and I went back, read it and went "whoa, Allen just said that" XD Allen was upset, needless to say. These stories kill me sometimes, because I put myself in their positions so I end up all furious and punching pillows 'n shit.**  
>SunaLove<strong>: I'm a sadist, this relationship will work out. XD. I love Neah and I love Allen, so I have a plan that ends just a way that pleases me.**  
>Baka: <strong>Lenalee knew they were close, but maybe not THAT close!_

_**To my Moyashi,** Tch, Allen is too cute and polite to be the one to start it. And you fuckin know that, you lovable hor.  
>I feel for Baka and beansprout, because I'm being mean on purpose, because I'm a masochist [now hit me master~]. The chapters to come will be everything your soul desires. And clean them britches of yours that you messed, that's just uncouth.<br>_


	29. Possession

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Twenty-Nine<em>

"You kids never learn." A deep voice snaked into the dark room, followed by a hazy trail of smoke. The figure moved to stand casually in front of the stained glass window, where he was met by Timcanpy—fluttering about until he landed on the man's arm.

"Get out of my room."

"You left the door unlocked."

"That's not permission to enter my personal space, Cross Marian."

All that gained was a chuckle. Cross wasn't intimidated by kids and certainly not emotional wrecks of teenagers that had no concept of boundaries. Timcanpy hadn't been the most thorough 'camera' for a lot of the events that had taken place, but he'd gathered everything he'd needed to know. It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened between the time the two boys woke up in the bed and left the bed. He was pretty familiar with that setting himself. "I don't really need permission."

"I suppose not. So do you plan to strangle me before leaving again?"

The red haired man took a long drag from his cigarette, leaving the ashes to his trusty golem companion to devour. "Ah, so you do remember. And here I was afraid you'd be as useless as that apprentice of mine."

"Cut the shit, why are you here?"

"It's not obvious?"

"You're an ally of the 14th. I know that much. That doesn't explain why you've come to my room." The man's voice was tired. He hadn't really even looked up at the figure from his position sitting in his beat, leaned against the wall with his head leaned on the folded arms propped on his knees. He was tired; dreadfully tired, but sleep wouldn't come and he knew why.

All he wanted to do was let the silence of his room continue to antagonize him. All his mind could concentrate on was Allen anyway. It was all he could do to simply walk away from the boy two days before. Since then, he'd holed himself up in his room. The sheer guilt of his actions had been almost too much. He never regretted his actions, not until then. Everything crashed around him, including his own common sense. Suddenly he didn't understand his own thought processes behind not telling Allen. It was a fear he couldn't really comprehend. Allen loved him. No matter what. So why did he really feel the need to hide?

It was a constricting manner of being unable to let his pride down to admit he was _human_, with _feelings._ He'd always considered himself above that, above being soft like the rest of them. So when faced with it, he couldn't stand the idea of conceding what he was so familiar with. Which, once again rolled right back around to wishing he could wipe his current state of being from him completely. If he could pretend he wasn't that person, he could change himself and it would be bearable.

He determined long ago, that he was still making excuses. There was something wrong with him and it had something to do with his messed up personality. Why someone would love that…he just couldn't understand. He couldn't stand to be himself…So he had a hard time believing anyone else could.

Lifting his head, he cast an annoyed glance at the older man. "Well? What the hell do you want?"

"I came back to give a message to Neah, but it seems he's rather unavailable."

"Neah?" Dark eyes cast a questioning glance before the focus settled on Timcanpy. He sighed and held his hand out, making a gesture to the golem and was minimally pleased that Tim moved away from the general and landed on his outstretched arm.

This didn't go unnoticed by Cross. His single available eye took in every motion between the golem of the 14th's and the supposed lover of his idiotic student. Timcanpy had the same closeness to this young man that he'd remembered seeing from the one before.

The face was the same and the personality left as little to be desired as the brown haired double agent that lost his life to a higher level Akuma in a field of lotus blossoms. He could definitely see why Neah was taken with him, but this was getting a bit ridiculous, it was painfully clear that this boy knew nothing about the past.

"That's the 14th's name. Neah Walker."

"He's the one who keeps molesting me?"

A burgundy brow raised and Cross's expression was one of interest and amusement. "Molesting you?"

"Worse than you did, which I haven't forgiven you yet. You said you had a message for him? I suppose you want me to pass the message? Tell me, if you are comfortable enough having me pass a message to _him_ without Allen knowing, you'd have to know that I've had contact with the Noah bastard. Twice at that. So stop playing bullshit games with me."

"Shrewd." He took another drag, "However, I think my indiscretions are easy to overlook, when you consider you took my student's virginity." If there ever was a man who could look so smug in his statement, Cross Marian was that man. The look he passed on to the man mulling against the wall was almost cruel.

"S…Shut up and get the fuck out."

"You're not ashamed are you? You kids these days are insufferable. Consequences are an afterthought."

"I really dislike you. Now get the fuck out or I'll tell everyone you were here."

"You won't."

Kanda leaned forward, his hair spilled over his bare torso and he gave Cross a dark look that glinted against the faint light that poured over him from the faint candle in his otherwise dark room. The golden light that reflected off those eyes and back to the older man made him drop his smug look for one of curious surprise. An image of that man was crystal clear in his mind and he shook his head with a chuckle. He could see why Neah was locked. The presence of that man was very strong.

"Is that so? What makes you think I won't?"

"Because you have questions and want answers that I can disclose," he answered with certainty.

"Well, start talking."

"I will, when the time is appropriate. I need you to pass a message to Neah for me, if you'd be so kin—"

"That's not necessary, Marian."

The voice caused both of them to stare stupidly at each other. There were only two of them in the room and neither of them had been at opportunity to speak those words. Kanda's eyes first moved to the door, followed by Cross's gaze. Timcanpy began to flutter when the door cracked open.

"Are you out of your mind? If the Order caught you, you'd have compromised everything," Cross spoke more calmly than his words would have suggested and was fluidly dismissed by the man who'd stepped into the room—dressed in just sleep pants and an open shirt.

"You had a message for me, I just happened to be walking in at the time of hearing."

"What do you mean 'happened to be walking in'?" Kanda interrupted, getting more aggravated by the moment at the intrusion of his privacy, on top of that being tired and emotionally broken. He wanted to sleep, but couldn't. He wanted privacy, but was denied. He wanted Allen, but got the Noah instead.

"My host has been uneasy for days. Timcanpy was kind enough to suggest I come here."

"You expect me to believe a golem lead you in here? If you have business with Cross, take it to Allen's room. Not mine. I'm not in a personable mood now or ever really, so get the fuck out, for the **last** time."

"Marian, you had a message?"

Kanda ground his teeth at being directly ignored. He wasn't fond of being overlooked and he was even less fond when it involved people he didn't like to begin with. His distaste for Cross stemmed from multiple things, but largely influence by the fact that the man licked the side of his face. His distaste for the Noah stemmed from the fact that he was using Allen's body to attempt inappropriate actions on him.

"Inspector Link will return in a week. I can no longer distract Central without them putting their brains into action and flushing me out," he blew smoke into Kanda's room. "I would suggest you get whatever it is you're attempting to accomplish before then."

"Hm. You kept him away longer than I thought. I hadn't anticipated this all happening. So I thank you for your efforts, Marian. For such a brash personality you're trying to force, you're quite a nice man."

"Don't flatter yourself, Neah," the man in question snorted and flicked the cigarette into an empty glass on Kanda's desk—yet another reason that Kanda wanted to plant the hard end of his fist into the man's face. "We have common goals and interests."

"You're free to leave now, Marian." Neah passed him an almost eerie smile. It wasn't pleasant, but it had a pleasant air to it. It looked predatory and Cross had a distinct impression that he shouldn't leave Neah alone with Kanda, but he knew he had no choice—since he had nothing to really fight Neah with it if came down to it. He just hoped that the Noah hadn't lost his mind and still knew what he was doing.

"Whatever you're doing, Neah, don't forget what your purposes are."

"I know what I'm doing, Marian. You will see."

No more words were exchanged between the two and the actual owner of the room felt incredibly uncomfortable. In as much as he disliked Cross, at least Cross provided some degree of shield from direct contact with the Noah. What the Noah was doing in his room left him feeling uncomfortably questioning. It didn't help the way the two of them had exchanged words. He felt like he was missing some important detail that neither was disclosing.

He watched Cross exit his room, but he knew there was some other way he was really leaving. There was no possible way that he just _walked_ in. Both of them were dancing around behind the Order's back it made him wonder exactly how much was hiding under the face of the organization.

Once they were alone, the long haired man pressed his back against the wall and questioned the intruder. "What do you want?"

"What do I want? Hm…My host is terribly upset. It's unfortunate for him, because his tiredness gives me more strength in his body. I haven't been in this much control before, I don't recall." His smile would have been pleasant and even endearing on Allen, but it wasn't right with the accents of the Noah. "His heart is all sorts of torn up about you. You're a regular heartbreaker."

"You're a Noah, you don't know shit about this. Now make like Cross and get the fuck out."

"You seem to be dead set on repeating that. But I wonder if I hit a nerve. You haven't made any attempt to rekindle with my host." The Noah traced a finger over the red colors in the stained glass of the window. "I hope you didn't get bored already."

A pained expression flickered across the Kanda's face and it caused the Noah to turn and lick his bottom lip, showing his teeth with his grin. Neah knew exactly what he was doing by screwing with Kanda's fragile mind and Neah knew what he was doing by pressing this against both of them.

Perhaps there was also that lingering infatuation that Cross had mentioned. Some deeper part of himself couldn't deny the intense desire and attraction that this man caused in him. He had tendencies to awaken and desire nothing but to ravage the body of the man that he ravaged years before when he played both sides and built his loyalties. This version of his loyal double agent was more slender, more sensual and it _was_ a bit maddening in combination with his host's desire for him as well.

Multiple times more hard to resist, when his host's memories pulsed through his mind as well and recalled that morning that bonded them.

"What do you want?" A whisper came from the swordsman.

"I want you, darling," the smooth reply came, followed by his movements. He leaned forward, hands pressing into the mattress of Kanda's bed. Cornering Kanda was all to easy when the man was already pressed into a wall and his only method of escape would involve fighting him. He couldn't fight him too hard if he wanted to keep Allen's current state a secret. Not to mention, the 14th had a proposition that would ensure his success. This man was crucial to everything and if he could ensnare him _body _and _soul_, then he was certain to walk away the winner.

Kanda shrunk back and turned his head away from the Noah, not finding this situation to look very good. "I'm not interested."

"You haven't even listened to what I have to say. The perpetual liar doesn't have much going for him at this point. Allen may know about your memories, but he doesn't know that you know me or Cross. I wonder how he'll feel about that one?"

"You bastard."

"He's been moping about you for days. He's so smitten. But he's also very easily hurt…I'm not." Neah leaned forward, coming in contact with Kanda's face—his lips grazing his cheek. "I don't need your emotions or complications. When Allen's taken over, I'll want a second hand."

"So you're proposing to me and you have the nerve to not even present me a ring, tch. Typical Noah. I don't give a fuck what you want, leave beansprout out of it. If you take him over, you're taking away the reason I haven't hugged your neck with my hands."

"What if I made a promise to you."

"I don't care."

"What if I could grant something you wanted."

"_I don't care_."

"If I said that I would preserve Allen in this body as long as you were my cohort."

This caught Kanda's attention and somehow he felt like this was akin to make a contract with the devil. The idea of Allen's self being preserved at the simple cost of being the Noah's associate wasn't entirely too horrific when he considered how much he truly did hate the Black Order and everything they claimed to stand for. "What's the catch?"

"No catch. You're extremely useful, possibly the most useful one of them and I happened to enjoy you and I could enjoy you in ways Allen wouldn't even begin to show you."

Kanda flushed against those lips that breathed into his skin; his mind trying hard to forget that it _was_ Allen's body. "Stop. If you're promising to not completely take over Allen, then fine. I'll sign the devil's contract with my blood if need be. But if you're tricking me…so help me."

That eerie yet pleasant smile turned into something knowing, something wise and Kanda didn't know what to make of it. "I would be signing my death warrant again if I did that, darling."

"I don't know what the hell you're going on about, but I don't like you, Noah."

"I do not expect you to like me yet," he breathed, his tongue grazing the man's skin. The heat this closeness was giving off made Kanda extremely uncomfortable. It _was_ Allen's body after all and that body was hovering extremely close, touching him extremely personally.

"Stop. This body isn't yours, don't touch me like it is."

"Oh? So you'd let the owner of this body do these things? Would you let him do anything to you?"

"I'm not having a discussion with you."

The Noah was all but straddling his thighs, his shirt opened and his bare chest pressed to Kanda's. Those mismatched arms were draped on each side of the man's head, teasing the soft strands of hair that flowed wherever they decided. "Well, since our discussion is apparently over, I shall give Allen back to you. You've given me an answer that I am satisfied with, so you may have a reward."

The tousle of white hair pressed against his jaw and he realized that the body the Noah had taken control of has gone limb against him. The boy's face was nestled against his neck and his body relaxed against his in an almost sleeplike state. He did stir against him and Kanda suddenly filled with uncomfortable panic. Allen wouldn't remember even walking in his room because of Neah. He wouldn't even have a clue how he was in that position.

"Hnn…" Allen's head lifted once, before he repositioned and sank back into his shoulder. They stayed that way for several more minutes before Allen seemed to come to some kind of awareness. "Huuhn?" His head pulled back and those silver eyes inched their way up, hazily to make contact with the darker ones. "K…Kanda?" Recognition hit him like a brick and Allen moved back in a snap. He took a deep breath and had to force himself to figure out how he was in Kanda's room, all over him like he was. "H…how…"

"You were sleepwalking. You haven't slept in a few days either, have you?"

Allen shook his head silently. He remembered feeling like he was falling asleep, but he was sure he'd remember moving out of his room and into Kanda's…unless he really was _that_ tired. "I…I'm sorry…I'll…" He stopped at the feel of cool fingers on his cheek. Silver eyes softened and his stance relaxed a bit.

"Let's talk."

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p>AN: I'm sorry if there are typos and sentence fucks. I'm sliiiightly drunk and incapable of full cognizance, so the proof reading went fucked.

**Marufu-chan: **I'm glad you think so!**  
>YukiaSmith01: <strong>I honest to go tried to update yesterday, but somewhere I got side tracked with another project. I'm terrible I know D:**  
>WakeToSanity: <strong> I have too much time to think at work XD And Kanda and Allen are such good abuse toys. Neah is just sexy, and I can't let him get away unscathed XD I kinda can't wait until I get to the sequel, the prequel too actually. I'm too excited.**  
>SunaLove: <strong>You should be very scared. So very.**  
>Book Thief101: <strong>Good, because I'm great at delivering torture!**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>I have everything prewritten in my head, I just need to put it on paper. I have a lot of extra space for shit like this in my head I guess.**  
>Ceraculbort: <strong>I didn't mean to be an asshole, but it was a little late XD

**To Mah Moyashi, **You've already read this, so if there's typos, it's all your fault and I love you anyway~ unf. I lavlavlav.


	30. Admit

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>

The two of them sat in silence, despite the invitation to speak. They were leaned against the wall that Kanda's bed was pressed to; simply existing together in the darkness. Neither knew what words to start the conversation with and neither was pressing to break the quiet moment. Allen had leaned back against Kanda's chest, seated in the empty space between the man's knees. The older man's arms were casually rested around his sides, those hands covered by his own. Allen could feel the man's silky hair against his cheek and he felt a combination of content and anxious. He knew his partner felt the same. The steady drumming of Kanda's heart complemented his own.

"I didn't mean to lie to you." Kanda finally started, with a low husky whisper that Allen had heard with clarity; due to his face being so close to his ear. Silence returned and Kanda's didn't know where to go from there. He wasn't familiar with this sort of situation and he was laying his hopes on Allen keeping it going and giving him the courage to actually say what he needed to.

"I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me. But then," Allen paused. "I can't truly stay upset with you. Because if you hadn't walked in, I would never have told you how I felt about you anyway. And because you did find out, I put you in an awkward situation…which, even still, you didn't turn away or outright reject me. And looking at it now…if that was you with all of your memories, then I really did have _you_ all along."

There was a moment of silence that followed Allen's words and Kanda finally responded with a, "tch." He cleared his throat once more and continued, "I fucking hate it when you do that bullshit."

"Wha…what?" Allen blinked, staring at the darkness as a little itch of annoyance trickled into him at Kanda's crudeness.

"You'd let me kill your best friend if you could excuse it and a find a way to take the blame yourself. You're always doing that. You're always accepting other's faults. Knock that shit off, you walking Martyr Complex."

"BaKanda! I was trying to connect with you and let you know I don't blame you for—"

"Exactly." Kanda interrupted him briskly, "you don't blame me; which is fucking shit and you know it." He spoke softly, despite the intensity of his language. He didn't want to start a screaming match, but he wasn't going to let that beansprout just let all of his indiscretions go like that. His pride would not allow it.

"I blame you for not telling me. Yes. I do…You **ass**. But I don't know the reasons why you would. I don't know your thoughts or your feelings. I can't be angry when I wear a mask just the same. What you did for that time, was no different than what I do everyday."

"You're too forgiving, beansprout. I'd have at least hit me if I were in your place." He let out a breath and felt his chest moving in time with Allen's. Like they were breathing together as one.

"I almost did. I almost choked you to death too, but you moved out of my grip. I was so mad at you. I've never felt that way before and I honestly couldn't stand it….But….I felt like you were just playing games with me. In hindsight, it makes sense why Lavi told me to trust you, but I wasn't exactly thinking with my head on right. All I know was how much you'd expressed hating me and I didn't know if that hatred would make you resort to such low tactics. Especially when you considered how much of the vulnerable you I saw. And let's face it, you're known for playing dirty."

"You talk too much." Kanda replied to the boy's long speech, seemingly dismissing the words as they were—though he took every single one in very carefully. His apparent nonchalance almost earned him an elbow to the rib from the boy captive in his arms.

"I'm trying to open up and you're fighting me, stupid!"

"You're still essentially apologizing to _me_, when I was the one in the wrong. So…" There was a pause as he shifted, pulling Allen to lean his head back against his shoulder so he could comfortably talk and see those silver eyes. "You're going to shut the fuck up and listen. Because I don't do this. I can't…just spill my heart all over you easily. But for ten fucking minutes, I'm going to try. So pay attention."

"Kanda…"

"No. Shut up. I could blame you for everything so very easily and I almost want to. It's your fault for caring enough to make me feel. I spent a long time making myself as inhuman as possible because being human hurts when you're just a weapon bound to lose everything anyway. So I don't know how to communicate with people. I don't know what half of my own thought processes mean. You took care of me, when anyone else would have stuck me in a hospital bed in an induced coma and hoped it turned out okay. When my first memories came back, I almost wished they'd just done that. I killed myself a few times while you were gone." He could feel the tension in Allen's form as those words came out.

Despite his discomfort at speaking so personally, he went on. "It obviously did nothing, since death is inconsequential for me currently. But I tried anyway. Because you weren't there. When you were there, it was bearable. You took baby steps with me when I'd have probably kicked the shit out of you before. How was I supposed to know what to think of it?"

It took another moment to collect his rampant thoughts. Long bouts of speech weren't in his practices and his heart was almost hurting his chest with how hard it was thumping. He absently acknowledged Timcanpy, who perched on Allen's head, just at eye to…face level, if that could be called Tim's face.

"I got used to this annoyance," he gestured to Timcanpy. "I had to fight him to keep him out of my hair, but I gained a little patience for it. I had felt like it was you watching over me when you couldn't. That sounded fucking lame, but no one ever cared whether I was safe or not. Then you had to go and get me used to sleeping in the same bed as you. I didn't have to sleep so guarded with you and I actually rested peacefully. Of course, that was partially a side effect of having my brain Swiss-cheesed, but I remember it nonetheless.

—Then you kissed me. You fucking kissed me. And thought I was sleeping at that. I wasn't sleeping at all, though. I was curious and trying to figure out _why_. And I kissed back because I wanted to and didn't have to deal with the repercussions that came with being _Kanda Yu._"

At that, Allen turned his head to glance up at Kanda. The questions in his eyes were probably readable as a book, but he wasn't going to actually ask. This wasn't his time to talk and he didn't want to risk shutting Kanda off when he knew this would probably never happen again. This was going to be Kanda's way of apologizing without saying the words "I'm sorry", and Allen appreciated that a whole lot more. He wanted to know this man's feelings above all else.

Both of Kanda's hands wrapped around him and came together in front of the boy, fingers pressing against each other in a contemplating position. He wanted to say a lot of everything, but his brain didn't quite understand the concept behind that. He wasn't used to saying much of anything.

"If I'm not who I'm supposed to be, then I don't have to deal with comes with being me. Maybe that's why my Innocence is rejecting me…If I don't return to the way it was, Mugen may never let me use it properly. Then I'd have to leave, but…part of me wants to leave this god forsaken hell hole…The other part wouldn't have anything left to live for if I did. It's not like I can just shotgun my head off, we've learned I manage to come back from shit like that."

"Don't say that," Allen whispered to the still air of the dark room.

"I'm not going to do it, beansprout. Death is annoying when you've been through it half a dozen times."

"That's not the point…you idiot," a short grunt followed. "If you killed yourself I'd lose my mind."

"But…why? Are you masochistic? Stupid? Insane? Have you actually _met_ me?"

"Yeah, I've met you. You're a fuckin jerk."

Kanda's mouth slacked a little and he looked down at Allen, who was giving him a strange combination of pout and glare. Allen was the polite one, his words were chosen with care and he never let the harsher end slip out—even in his most violent fights with him. The older man was the one who was good for that. He was good for the scathing, harsh and unpleasant choice of words. Not beansprout. Hearing that F bomb drop from Allen's mouth was almost captivating in itself.

"You're a jerk…But I don't care. Because I get you. You get me. We fight; but it's okay, because I like it."

"You are insane," Kanda muttered, leaning his head back against Allen's. "Ridiculously so."

"Says the fool who did this to me."

"And he blames me… It's your fault."

"_My_ fault? You could have tried harder to make me hate you." Allen pouted and poked Timcanpy, who was wedged between them, flapping happy as could be.

"I _did_. You—on the other hand—did the opposite. You're like a parasite. Infecting me, but not having the decency to kill me."

Despite the clipped tone of his words and the scowl on his face, Allen knew that it was his way of saying he was just as "insane" and "masochistic" as he was. The fact that he was even trying to explain himself spoke volumes all on its own. That erased the hurt Allen had felt when he thought Kanda was just screwing with him. Emotions were complicated for both of them and it was bound to give them hell, anyway. Perhaps that was where the masochism came in.

"..You're also the only one who ever bothered to try."

"Kanda…I.."

"Shut up and let me talk. I pushed everyone else out efficiently and you still managed to get under my skin. You little creep. I can't be buckets of sunshine for you. If that thought even crossed your mind, then get out. But…I can be something." He pressed his face into Allen's neck, his arms curling tight around him. He felt exposed, uncomfortably so; but it was Allen—the one person who wasn't going to judge him for it.

"I'm okay with that. If I didn't like your already _sparkling_ personality, then I wouldn't have been angry that you hid from me in the first place. You were, after all, much easier to deal with when you weren't all in there. But I prefer the challenge. I like you as you are."

"Tch. You sound like you need counseling."

"You can hate yourself all you want, but did you ever stop to think that not everyone else hates you? You can pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, but Lenalee thinks of you like a brother, Lavi…like a really good friend, Marie sees you like his little brother, and Tiedoll thinks you're practically his son. These people here are your family, whether you like it or not."

"What does that make you?"

Allen turned his head and smiled at him, "do you need to ask? That makes me your lover."

"I…" He paused, feeling a bit taken back by how easily the brat had let those words flow out. It was like he didn't have any doubts or questions in his mind…and knowing that beansprout, he didn't. He just followed his heart and believed in the people around him; the people he cared the most for. "I'm not…bothered by that." A short pause passed between them before he slipped out words his brain hadn't yet fully thought through, "but you're going to have to confirm that."

A silver brow lifted and his eyes sparkled with flickers of something fiery, "Oh?"

Kanda tilted his head and made a passive face, almost pondering, "If you can, I mean." He didn't even know what he was saying anymore, but he didn't care.

"This is sounding more and more like you'd like me to put you in your place, BaKanda," Allen stated, just above a whisper. He turned more to face Kanda, kneeling and looking down at him. Kanda's arms wrapped about his waist, pulling them flush together.

"No one is knocking on my door and the sun won't come up for hours." Craning his neck up, Kanda met Allen half way for a searing kiss. It felt more electric than his mind wanted to admit. Cliché thoughts like that made him feel like a teenaged girl, but he wasn't sure he actually cared that much.

"If this is how you apologize for being stupid, then I don't mind at all." Allen breathed against his lips. "I'm feeling a little insatiable," he murmured, licking his bottom lip. "I don't know what you just did, but I'm feeling hot as hell."

Nipping at his tongue, Kanda gave him a smug little smirk, "I think the normal people call this 'make up sex'."

Allen pressed himself over Kanda, moving them off the wall and leaning over him. "You're already half naked, that makes this easy."

"Just for that, you're going to have to fight to get these pants off." A hand pushed into the toned chest and pressed him back, until he fell back into the mattress. He didn't care that his hair was everywhere and would be a nightmare in the morning. He also didn't care that Allen was hover above; dominating him. He'd have his chance to put that beansprout in his position later on. And he would.

Nips, licks and kisses along his throat elicited a light pleased sigh, "I'll make you throw them at me, if you want to be like that."

"Please do try, _beansprout._" he draped an arm over the younger man's shoulder, challenging him as they do best with each other.

"I don't need to **try**, _BaKanda._"

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: This chapter is a gift to my **Moyashi, **for being the perfect muse and tolerating my silly shit, terrible grammar fails and everything that comes with having to put up with my shit on a daily basis. I will finish painting that Kanda for you, Moyashi, then you can slobber all over it like I know you want to. _

_**A little note: **__Thanks to the handful of you who reviewed __Counting Minutes__, I can't reply there, obviously, since it was a one shot. But fun fact about that one, was _that was the original plan for ending this series_, until I figured out the real perfect ending. Also, I didn't mean to break hearts or make people cry on that XD I argued with my Moyashi about it, but I thought it was a happy ending. Loooool. _

_**YukiaSmith01**: I hope the actual conversation was satisfying!**  
>EXO718: <strong>Kanda's former self is gonna be a complicated mess, haha! It'll be fun, I promise!**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>4 days late on my part, but happy new year to you too! Hope it was a good one!**  
>Lotus seed: <strong>I love writing this story, so much. Sometimes, I wanna beat them upside the head myself. Then I remember I'm the author here, I totally can XD**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>Now I just need to remember to have that much dedication for the rest of my life XD**  
>Kai-Chan94: <strong>xD I'm totally evil, and I won't deny it. I'm a terrible sadist.**  
>SunaLove: <strong>lol! Well, you got your wish XD**  
>Soaha: <strong>Kanda's not very lucky with this secret business, is he?**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>Why thank you. I guess blowing minds is my niche, people keep telling me so!_


	31. Deal

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_One_

Stirring in the bed brought a disgruntled whine from Allen's throat. The peaceful haze he was resting in didn't need to go away yet. He curled against the body that was repositioning against him. With a little mental effort, he determined that the pressure against his chest was his companion's head rested over his heart. He didn't mind it at all—in fact—the sleep induced nuzzling against his skin made him nearly slip back out of his half awake state. He curled his arms around the body blanketing him; fingers running through silky hair absently.

He could feel the cool fingers against his chest; pressing into his skin almost unknowingly. That he had this man in such a way brought a spark of happiness he didn't think he was capable of feeling. Against his better judgment, he'd allowed himself to open his heart enough for this one to slip right in. He didn't mean to, but it happened. For the moment, he was okay with that. Kanda was one of the strongest people he'd ever known next to Cross, so he knew he didn't have to fret about his physical safety as much as anyone else.

Not that he wouldn't anyway.

It was one of those things he'd do no matter what. Well. Something he'd do later. They were too comfortable for worrying just yet.

A quiet murmur left Kanda and Allen almost laughed. Whether he knew it or not, Kanda made some of the cutest noises in his sleep. He wasn't about to tell the man that. It was more than obvious that it would probably embarrass the hell out of him and be a bit of a hit to his pride. It could be his little personal enjoyment. So when more murmurs were let free every time he brushed his fingers through his hair, he didn't find a need to stop.

Eventually the murmurs died, however and he knew it was because his partner was waking up just as he was. This was just fine too, because he was greeted with that body inching up his and planting a kiss right on his lips. Black hair curtained them both from the morning rays that crept through the stained glass of the window. Allen found himself unable to stop himself from tangling his fingers in it.

"If you ever cut your hair, I'll kill you," he whispered gently against the man's lips, reveling in the soft vibrations of sound.

Kanda's eyes finally slipped open. No one else would notice that his eyes were slightly blue. Only Allen seemed to—possibly because no one else could get that close to him without being gutted. That was fine by him. He loved seeing the blue that no one else noticed among the dark lashes. There was a strange kind of elegance about him, even in his lethargic return to the conscious world.

"Hn. I kiss you and you threaten my life."

Allen added, "With love."

"You'll love me to death?" Kanda quirked a brow, leaning up on one elbow and watching the silver eyes watching him. "I can think of worse ways to die."

"I think I could probably torture you, somehow." His fingers kept trailing through the dark locks. They were so soft, so silky, that is felt almost unreal on the man who was anything but soft and silk.

"Is that so?" He questioned, kissing him again. Admittedly, he liked the feel of those lips on his.

"One day I will make you as sore as I am right now."

Kanda scoffed, but it was laced with a smugness that Allen couldn't miss if he was deaf _and_ blind, "I went easy on you."

"That's going easy?"

"Hey, don't bitch at me. You got three to my one."

"Technically two," the younger man corrected.

"Oh please. That counted."

"We _fell asleep _half way through!"

"So? It still counts! And I'll have you know I am sore. A little."

"For what? The next ten minutes? You can heal quicker." Allen pouted, despite the passive way his fingers caressed the man's face.

"Well if you hadn't fallen asleep—"

"—You did too!"

"After you did!"

"BaKanda!" A grunt followed, but it was light and airy, full of a strange kind of pleasant joy that hadn't been felt in a while. They were arguing over who took who and if falling asleep still counted. If that was the worst he could wake up to, then he was pretty content with the worst at the moment. Soft lips on his own were a perfect touch to it all. They seemed molded together, carelessly tender.

"Next time, I will wreck you, beansprout. I will have you begging me."

"Not on your life! Especially not after you really made me fight to get those pants off you."

"I recall telling you I wouldn't make it easy."

"You just like being manhandled, don't you? And you call _me _the masochist."

Kanda leaned forward and pressed his tongue to the red mark over Allen's eye, casually licking down the length of his face and breathing into his cheek, "watch it there, _beansprout._ I'm on top right now."

"That sounds awfully close to a threat."

"It's more akin to predicting the future, if you don't behave like a good _moyashi_."

"_Moyashi_?" The word slipped from Allen's tongue with a foreign tickle. He continued to lightly trail his digits over the man's features, captivated by the blanket of dark, contrasting the porcelain white of his skin.

"It's my native tongue. For _beansprout._"

Allen puffed his cheeks and whined again, "jerk." He tugged the black hair between them, though gently. He didn't want to pull any out, but he wanted to express his pouty disposition.

"Maybe just a little," Kanda replied with a smirk. That smirk unknowingly sent butterflies through the younger man and it caused Allen to smile right back at him. For a moment they just watched each other—Kanda's smirk shifting into something less haughty. Lips pressed together again and they both fell silent to each other; just breathing, embracing and being less than hard assed warriors. They'd go back to being callous and put their masks back up later.

They shifted together and Allen bent his knee, pressing them flusher together. His hands caressed both sides of Kanda's face, kissing him with a lost passion. A little thread of anticipation passed through the younger man, before the loud banging at the door startled them both right out of the moment.

"What in the—"

"**Hey Yuu! Have you seen Allen?**"

Kanda muttered with a snarl built into his expression. "Fuckin, Lavi…" Lavi was fast becoming the bane of his existence; as he came out of no where and usually brought some kind of mental trauma with him. He opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off; but about the time he heard the door handle move, a thought occurred to him. "Oh my—shit, I don't think you locked the—"

The door swung open, revealing a certain redhead who seemed to not quite register what he'd walked in on just yet. As the moment passed, his single eye took in all the details needed to see that Allen and Kanda were just moments prior to what Lavi would have referred to an _awesome wake up call_. Both of them looked flushed and perhaps even a little "_drunk_". His mind had subconsciously pictured the two of them together—in a way that wasn't via fists—since Allen confessed what they did, but actually catching them was a little more eye opening than the words of them being that close. "Holy shit, you guys were serious."

"Well no shit, you dumbass," Kanda growled, feeling a little embarrassed at Lavi's continued gaze. He was covering Allen and himself by wrapping the blanket more surely over them. "Shut the fucking door."

Lavi leaned back and closed the door behind him, still a little shocked by the sight. Not much really got him by the tongue, but he'd also never seen Kanda touching another person that didn't involve some kind of harm being given. "I take it you guys made up, then?"

"A few times," Allen blurted before he realized and he bit his lip after the fact.

"_Beansprout_…"

He flushed, hiding his face in Kanda's hair. "Sorry! It just slipped."

"The hell did you need, you moron?" He growled at Lavi, severely annoyed that they'd been interrupted as such. Granted, he should know better than to exist in any room that wasn't locked, but that wasn't entirely _his_ fault. Lavi shouldn't go barging into people's rooms either.

"It's _noon_. And no one saw Allen at breakfast. There was a little bit of concern. This was the only place I hadn't looked, but I didn't think you'd be in here gettin' all sexy with each other! Honest!"

Allen squirmed, face turning red—much like his companion's. "Lavi, we're…we were…talking…not…"

"That's what parents tell their kids when they walk in on that stuff. Come on, I'm not that stupid."

"Lavi," Kanda warned, actually using the man's name properly, "let every god ever to be thought up help you if I have to get out of this bed to _fix_ you. Get out."

"You won't get up, you're naked."

The bookman in training was testing Kanda's patience, but he did have a point. Not that he was ashamed or embarrassed by being unclothed, but it wasn't just that factor. It was the evidence they'd put on each other over the night that he didn't want to divulge to the redhead. He wasn't ashamed of that either, but it wasn't for everyone else to lay witness to. That was between him and his bedmate. "Get out or I will end you."

Silver eyes scanned over Lavi and he placed a hand to Kanda's chest to calm him. The growly face remained, but he quieted—still hugging the blanket possessively over them. "Lavi, you can tell everyone that I'm just fine. Tell them I was sleeping or something and please keep this a secret. We don't really need confirmed blasphemy tossed on to our pile of things we've done."

He raised his hands in a surrendering motion, "Hey, I've been privy to this thing from the beginning. Take it away, you two. Go at it like bunnies. I won't tell. Just be careful, we don't need any little Allen's or Yuu's running around if you catch my—" Lavi had to jump back to avoid getting nailed with the boot that sailed his way. "Did you just throw a shoe at me?"

"It was all I could reach, now get the fuck out or I'll throw something sharper at you and I won't _miss._"

That was enough to encourage the bookman to take his leave as quickly as he'd come in; but as he stepped out into the hall, he couldn't help the little grin that came to his face. It was a terrible thought, but getting his brain fucked over side ways was the best thing that had happened to the angry Japanese man—and for Allen too. He certainly wasn't going to be responsible for ruining that—even if he'd been ready to tear into Kanda for the rocky start.

Flushed and somewhat embarrassed, Allen let out the breath he didn't know he was holding; listening for sounds of Lavi's boots growing quieter. "That was discomforting."

"That was the idiot for you…" Kanda grunted, "Timcanpy, wherever you shuffled off to…can you lock the damn door?"

From somewhere under the bed came a shuffling sound and a light fluttering followed after. A little flash of yellow peeked from below and he lifted into the air, casually floating over to the door to prod and hop on the lock until it turned into the locked position. Allen and Kanda both watched it with some degree of amusement; Allen, because Timcanpy had taken that order like the dark haired man was his own master and Kanda because Timcanpy could actually lock doors.

Leaning up on his arm, he watched Timcanpy flutter back and nest atop Allen's discarded shirt. "At least he was kind enough not to watch." He snorted at the uncomfortable thought of Timcanpy being able to replay that for others. Not that he would, but someone like Cross…That thought didn't please him. "He's not gonna tell all our secrets if anyone asks is he?" He paused again and there was no response from the boy below, just his fingers caressing his face. Allen's silence didn't please him either and he cast a glance down, "beanspr…"

"Good morning~"

"….I'm starting to get the impression that you have an obsession with me, Neah," Kanda glared down at the golden eyes and the smile that came up at him.

"If I did?"

"Then you'd better be content to take a backseat. Because I have no interest in you."

The hands that belonged to Allen traced up his face and brought him down, nose to nose with the Noah. "Your choice was to preserve Allen, was it not? I can change my mind rather quickly."

"That's blackmail." Kanda spit through grit teeth.

"It's effective. There's something very unique about you," he whispered. His thumb traced over one of the man's eyes, feeling the lashes against his skin. "You can't see it yet, but I will be happy to bring it out of you. Perhaps you may not even desire Allen once all is said and done~"

"Go to hell, Neah. I agree only on the condition that Allen is kept intact and you keep the fuck away from him."

"I plan to. Don't worry about that. I'm not stupid enough to waste a perfect opportunity. I've been putting this plot together for years upon years and if I manage to let you slip through my fingers again, then I may not be able to construct another backup plan."

"Why do you keep showing yourself to me?" The question came out with a hint of distain behind the words. Kanda leaned over him with a heated look, "I want answers, Neah. You're playing with me."

"I already told you what would happen if I decided to toy with you." He pulled the man's long black hair and brought him down enough to plant a searing kiss against his mouth. The forcefulness of his actions kept the other man from pulling back and eventually forced him to submit against him. Breathing against his him, Neah opened his mouth to speak between them. "Do I have your word that I have you as my ally?"

"I thought we already made the agreement."

"You skirted around the issue, or did you forget? I was distracting you, I suppose. That was wrong of me, but you weren't in your right mind. Now that you are, do I have your assurance?"

"I hate the fuck out of you. I just want you to know that. I think this is complete bullshit and you know it. But I'm not going to lose Allen to you if I can do something to stop it. So fine, fuck you. I'll play your game. Now go away and give me beansprout back."

"You can't breathe a word of our deal to him, _Kanda_."

"**Fine**." He shifted uncomfortably, waiting to see the visible signs of Allen's return. He wasn't going to speak another word until the Noah was gone. He already had a bitter taste in his mouth that he was resorting to conspiring with the son of a bitch.

The Noah closed his eyes and receded back into Allen's mind, leaving the boy to open his eyes, confused for the momentary blackout. He didn't have too much time to be confused, when he found his face being attacked with feathery kisses. A small snort trickled out of him and he unknowingly let a giggle fly out.

"Oh? Is my _moyashi_ ticklish?"

"N…no!" He yelped when Kanda's fingers trailed to his ribs and pressed lightly into his skin. Another repressed chuckle came out in the form of a snort. "D…damn you!...BaKanda!" Laughter leaked out of him more fluidly as the merciless attack continued. He was pinned beneath the bigger body and unable to escape the teasing jabs and touches. All he could do was laugh until tears came to his eyes and plead for mercy. "I…I surrender! Mercy!"

"Mercy? Why should I~?"

"You're being playful! That's creepy!" Allen squeaked and pawed his hands from his ribs, begging for more air amidst his laughter.

"I think that's the least offensive thing I've done to you in this room."

Allen flushed a bit and turned his head, though appreciative that the older man was laying up on his poor sensitive spots, "…erm…Well…You're right and I hate when you're right."

"I'm always right, fool. Now…I think a bath is in order."

"Hnnnnnm, I don't want to get upppp." Allen protested by hugging his arms around Kanda's torso, leaving the older man to make a quiet "tch".

"I don't either, but I need a bath. And don't give me that fuckin pout, it's your fault I need it as _badly _as I do."

"You prompted round two."

"_You_ prompted round three."

"You started round fo—"

"HA. So it _does_ count then."

"..N…no…er…" Silver eyes held a look of contempt at being played into that corner. He frowned, but it was a rather childish one and it signified that he had to give in at that point. "Fine, let's go bathe. But after, I need food."

"Yeah, yeah. But I'm not kissing that mouth again until you brush your teeth after you eat." Kanda moved off Allen and sat on the edge of the bed, ignoring that Timcanpy had dropped down on his head. Paying attention to Timcanpy would require he notice just how messy his hair was.

"Wait," Allen sat up with a puzzled look on his face, "You won't kiss me after I eat a meal, but you'll kiss me after I s—"Allen found Timcanpy tossed haphazardly into his face.

"At least I _know_ what's in your mouth then. The shit you shove into your mouth when you eat is enough to induce vomiting."

"I didn't know you were such a prude in regards to eating habits."

"Prude is not a word you're ever allowed to associate with me after what _we _did." Kanda cast him an almost obscene look and proceeded to slip into his pants, tossing Allen his own. "Now hurry the hell up, the faster we get shit done, the faster we go back to not having to do shit. We probably won't have many more days left of this."

"I know. I know. I'd tell you not to get your panties in a twist, but you're not wearing them," he chided as he buttoned up his shirt.

The way the older man turned his head and cast him a flushed glare, made it worth the uncharacteristic chiding that Allen let slip out. Timcanpy perched in the boy's white hair and flapped happily. The banter between them was as it should be.

"Just, shut up and let's go, _moyashi._"

"Are you gonna keep calling me _moyashi_ now?"

"If I feel like it. Now get the fuck out of my room. I want a bath."

"Come on Tim," Allen snorted. "BaKanda's being pissy, because I made him _unclean_."

Kanda grunted and pushed Allen toward the door, leaving behind him and ignoring the itching feeling in the back of his mind that didn't stop being concerned about Neah's presence

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: I'm almost painfully excited to start on the sequel. But there is a bit more to go on here. I hope you guys won't mind having to jump over to another listed story. But I really dislike the idea of this thing having like 75 chapters on it. I'd rather split it. Besides, rating change will happen in part 2. **  
><strong>_

_**marufu-chan:** Awesome! Here's to a great year!**  
>Red Clown<strong>: My biggest fear was mucking up Kanda's personality beyond recognizable. Despite having the same pissed off countenance as he does, I have a more bubbly undertone, it's I've been tip toeing around hoping I'm not putting too much of my own personality into him. Haha, so I'm glad that it still reads well when going straight through. Since I'm writing it over a period of time, the time passing seems longer to me than the reader. It's hard to gauge sometimes, if that makes sense. I update about every other day! So don't worry, you'll see more soon!**  
>WakeToSanity<strong>: I'm evil incarnate to these boys. But it's because I love them. I even reward them occasionally. Dialogue, mostly of the comedy variety is my specialty. xD So I intend to mix a lot of that among them. Can't be all srs bsns.**  
>Lotus seed<strong>: It was so hard to get him to talk coherently, yet not pour so much out it looked stupid :'D Oh Kanda, why are you such a pain in the posterior.**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>Writer's block never hits me when I really get started. It's getting started that gives me trouble.  
><strong>EXO718: <strong>They have a lil more time, but they'll be tip toeing around at some point. You'll see what I intend to do though.**  
>Soaha: <strong>A teddy bear with one hell of a potty mouth XD_

_And **Moyashi**, once again I have serviced you in this one. Not like that…mind you…Okay, maybe a lil like that. But it's because I love you and wish to please you constantly. Love me. o3o Oh and my sister about killed me to death. I topped the word count of her longest story. She feels so crunchy. _


	32. Crush

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Two_

He stared at the shadow in the mirror passively. The repressed sigh eventually creeped out and he continued to brush his teeth. That shadow has disappeared for a while…or at least he hadn't noticed it since the whole thing with Kanda started. Now, it was creeping right back in and haunting him mercilessly. Somehow, he wasn't as upset as he used to be when he saw it. It was just…there. That stupid grin plastered across the hazy face. Fortunately for Allen, his mind was more focused on the dark haired man standing next to him.

Kanda was towel drying his hair, shirtless and looking as casual as he could imagine him. He couldn't help himself to watch him through the mirror. The focus that was etched into the man's face was almost amusing. Those dark locks got very much care from him. He brushed from the ends and worked his way up—not even noticing Allen's persistent gaze.

A grunt or two followed when he had to break from brushing to collect the strands that had fallen out. That was the plight of having long hair; the long strands came out and could be extremely annoying when they ended up wrapped around his arms and clinging to his chest. Nothing drove him up a wall more than feeling a stray hair and not being able to pinpoint and remove it; so he made a conscious effort to comb as many of those strands out as possible.

Glancing up by chance, Kanda noticed Allen's gaze. "You're staring, _moyashi._"

"Was I?" The light haired boy feigned innocence.

"You most certainly were," the deeper voice supplied affirmation before he went back to combing his hair.

"Why do you keep your hair long?"

The sudden question made Kanda look up again. He had to think about that one. It wasn't as if long hair was a useful thing to have on the battle field and he could remember a few training battles that had ended with Daisya's life being threatened for pulling his hair. The fingers of the comb trailed through the silky strands once more and he focused his gaze on Allen. "I don't really know."

"It doesn't get…hot or annoying?"

"It does."

"Then why?"

"Do you want me to cut my hair?" He tossed the collection of brushed hair over his shoulder and picked up Mugen, unsheathing it—mainly for show.

"You wouldn't," Allen snorted.

An elegant hand collected the dark locks once more, holding them at the base of his neck and he closed the space between himself and Allen. Without a word he twisted his hair into a long tight "rope", pressing the blade firmly against it. His hand inched down the hilt, leaving room for another hand. "If you think it should be short; then pull Mugen from me."

"You're being dramatic," the shorter boy rolled his eyes and took the handle, preparing to be decked or yelled at. To his surprise, Kanda didn't move at all. Their eyes locked for a moment and Allen's hand loosened, "you're serious."

"No shit."

He dropped his hand and turned back to look at the mirror, "you would cut your hair, because I asked you to?"

"It's not like I have an emotional attachment to it. Besides, I know damn well you love my hair. You did threaten my life first thing upon waking, if I ever decided to cut it." The smug grin reflected across the mirror to Allen and the younger man shot him a look.

"You just played me, didn't you?"

"Like a piano."

_Piano…Huh?_ His thoughts drifted unknowingly back to the music from the ark. His mind had been clouded with the 14th, the ark and Cross since he'd first caught his reflection in the glass of Kanda's window that morning. He kept it locked back as tight as possible, though. "You're not a nice person," he pouted.

"I was going to let you hack most of my hair off if you had the inclination to do it. That's plenty _nice_. I just happened to know that you wouldn't."

"If you don't really care about it, then why do you take such good care of it?" Allen turned and hopped up on the counter, no longer letting the mirror stay within his vision.

"Because people look at me and they see a _pretty_ person, when I'm really not."

Allen cast him a glance. That was more than what he'd expected him to say. Actually, it was a bit disturbing the way he'd said it—as if it should be obvious. "What do you mean _you're really not_?"

"When people look at you, they think of a happy person; because you have a happy expression tattooed on your stupid face. But are you really happy?"

"Right now I am."

"I don't mean right now, you fuckin moron. I mean all the time. When your face is stretched into grins so obnoxious that I'd like to smack it right off you, yet your eyes are _dead_. Ignorant people still see you as happy. It's a perfect mask." He passively stepped back and bent forward, letting the long hair flip forward so he could brush out the loose strands hiding under the other ones.

"Are you saying your appearance isn't much different?"

"I'm saying, dipshit, that people take what they see and they run with it. They look at me and see a beautiful person and thus accept my shitty personality because I'm not unpleasant to the eyes. Humans are shallow little fucks and I am abusing that."

"I don't think that's abusing it, so much as hiding behind it." Allen shifted uncomfortably, wanting to say more; but at the same time, not wanting Kanda's foot in his already sore backside.

"If I were hiding behind it, then I would doll myself up like a Geisha until I couldn't even recognize my own face." The tall man straightened back up and let the nearly dried curtain of black fall around him.

Drifting back to the previous discussion they'd had, Allen seemingly connected Kanda's distaste for being himself with his revealed need to keep up appearances. It was somewhat crushing to him. Kanda's words were carefully hiding away the real reason, but it wasn't hard to infer from what he did manage to get the man to say. "So…you're hiding behind appearances, to make people think you don't hate what you see."

Dark eyes turned hard on him and he almost buckled against the intensity. Judging by the reaction the older man had shot his way, he'd hit the nail right on the head. He couldn't look at him anymore without fearing Kanda spitting venom into his eyes, so he turned his gaze back to the wall opposite the mirror.

"I didn't mean to pry. I've just seen a lot of you that no one else has. I don't know your past at all. I imagine it wasn't a good one for you to be the way you are. I can't tell you I feel the same, I just don't know. But I can tell you that you can confide in me if you ever need it."

Kanda turned his entire body to face him, hair swaying with the movement, "well, I fuckin hope so. Because you did this to me." He jabbed him in the chest with the end of the hair brush.

"Did what?" Owlish eyes blinked at the offending item.

"You made me _feel_."

"Is that so bad?"

"When you have the power to _crush me_ completely…yes."

"You know I would never do that to you."

"That's beside the point. This... This thing isn't easy. Even two months of putting up with you every day hasn't erased the feeling of needing to stay away from you soft hearts as much as possible. It just so happens that my damaged brain has taken to ignoring my instincts."

"If it's any consolation, you weren't the only damaged one."

"You were soft to begin with."

Allen frowned and folded his arms across his chest, "I'm not as soft as you think, you know. I dealt with my fair share of hard times. I just have hope left."

"Yet, you claimed that you lost everything precious to you."

"That doesn't mean I don't have hope. And I do have precious people now," he held his hand out for Timcanpy to rest upon it.

"What makes you think I don't have any hope?"

"You were just telling me that I can smile and yet have dead eyes. What does that make your eyes, Kanda? They're full of passion and strength, but they're no less dead than mine. Like you had nothing to live for. You don't smile and you don't even try to hide your misery."

"No one cares about the person who doesn't smile, beansprout."

"You don't want people to care about you?"

Kanda's eyes met with the silver ones and he felt like he was being placed on an examining table under the beansprout's knife. The conversation was getting heavier than he liked, but he couldn't just tell the boy to shut the fuck up and go away. Some part of him was pulled into the conversation beyond his own desires. "There are some people that don't need to be cared for. I can take care of myself. I do not need others' feelings to drive me."

"What about me?" Allen slid off the counter, letting Timcanpy flutter back to the counter, and he padded across the tiled floor, moving nearly chest to chest with him. He casually brushed at the ends of the dark hair draped over his shoulder. "Am I an unnecessary person who cares for you?"

"If I didn't think of you differently, you wouldn't be standing this close to me or touching me and you certainly wouldn't have been in my bed naked with me, either." He stood casually, his posture more relaxed and his eyes cast just slightly down to Allen's. Internally, he scoffed. The beansprout was catching up to him in height.

"People do change, you know. This could just be a beginning for you," he whispered, pressing his cursed side of his face against Kanda's neck—relishing in the warmth. "And you smell good."

"I just bathed, of course I do," he leaned into the boy's half embrace—even if only just a little.

"I won't pry anymore, Kanda. I promise. I just…I don't think you're as horrible of a person as you're set on believing. Granted, you did nearly lie to me, but there was a reason and I understand it."

A little tinge of guilt trickled back through Kanda and his mind flickered to Neah for a moment before he tried to jar himself out of it. He was right back to lying to Allen…well, not lying as much as not telling the whole truth. He hated that feeling. Guilt was never one of the feelings he was good with anyway and it seemed like he was hell bent on stacking it up higher and higher the longer he was around the beansprout. He looked down, his head resting on the other shoulder until they really were simply embracing.

He let one arm snake around Allen and he breathed deeply, matching the breaths of the other. From the corner of his eye, he caught their reflection in the mirror. They contrasted so deeply. Allen was like a halo of purity and he felt like a monster hiding behind a maintained façade. Maybe he could fix that. Not likely. As long as shadows of the past hung over him, he would always see the monster in the mirror. He closed his eyes and breathed in the clean, warm body. "You don't smell too bad either."

"That was a terrible compliment," Allen whispered.

"It was the best you'll get."

Allen squeezed him a bit tighter, relishing in the affection while it still lasted. He knew he was abusing it for all it was worth, but Kanda had said he wasn't a "bucket of sunshine". He also wasn't the cuddly type and truthfully, Allen missed the good ol' fist fight communication they were pretty good at. So for the moment, Kanda could deal with Allen's touchy feely. "I guess it'll do."

"Baka Moyashi," the taller man whispered his accent making the foreign words simply glide out. He opened his eyes and let the glass reflect back at him again. For a moment he felt like his heart stopped. Glaring back at him in the mirror was a flash of something that wasn't actually there at all. Instead of Allen's bleached locks, he was met with the deep rich color of Neah's hair and his mocha toned skin. The image of the Noah was wrapped up in the image of someone else, a face he didn't recognize. A man with deep honey colored eyes and long brown hair that danced around his face. The image flickered for only a second, but it burned into his mind.

The one in his arms was unmistakably Neah. But the other man, he had no fucking clue who he was looking at. It was the same image he'd seen flash in the glass of Allen's window…

"Kanda?"

The sound of Allen's voice jarred him from his momentary haze, "Hm?"

"You went rigid there for a minute, you okay?"

"Yes, fool. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Big loving silver eyes bore into him and he felt like he was going to suffocate if Allen didn't put those dangerous things away, "Yes. I'm sure. Now stop looking at me like that." Pressing his forehead to Allen's he brought his mouth just shy of the other's. "You're going to kill me with those eyes."

"You're such a bastard," the shorter boy whispered, moving his face up at an angle just enough to bring them to a kiss. It wasn't especially deep and it wasn't a very long kiss either, but it was just enough.

A shuffling sound trickled into the room and Timcanpy helplessly flailed around on the counter.

"A..Allen? K…Kanda?"

A voice that wasn't Lavi's—and obviously not Lenalee's, as they were in the men's washrooms—brought both of them out of the little world they created for that moment. It shattered with just two names and both of them turned their heads slowly, nearly cracking their spines from the desire to pretend they heard nothing and nothing was there.

Allen was the first to find his voice, tiny as it was; "K…Komui…"

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Yeah, I went there. I figured I'd be better for him to walk in on that one, than pry it out of Lenalee. Or Lavi's exceptional mouth. _

_This totally should have been done yesterday, but Tumblr…I finally caved and set one up. Same name as here, I'm pleased to know my name isn't taken, like…anywhere. Haha. _

_It's only like 4:30am. OTL_

_**Marufu-chan**: It's gonna be a long ride with this story XD**  
>Kuroya-hime: <strong>Cross'll give'em hell, I can assure you that much! And I read Walker Family, it was cute, but I can help but feel Kanda looks very odd in it.**  
>Lazy Gaga<strong>: I do like hugs :3 I'm cuddly.**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>That'll teach Kanda that he should wear underbritches if he doesn't wanna be at the tail end of Allen's chiding XD**  
>Lotus seed: <strong>LOL, so much hatred for Neah. Poor guy. So sexy and so hated.**  
>SunaLove: <strong>Well, I dunno about genius, but I like to think my skills lie in comedy :'D This whole story is an experiment in trying anything else.**  
>EXO718: <strong>All the make up sex! And trust me :'D Falling asleep—as embarrassing as it is—can happen when you're running on no sleep and going on multiple rounds. And I can't tell you :I No hints for you.**  
>Book Thief101: <strong>HAH, of all those quote, I actually use "Have you actually met me?" in my daily speech. :'D My dry sense of humor apparently goes over people's heads at work.**  
>WakeToSanity: <strong>You are skyrocketing my ego above Kanda's. I still need to be able to fit my head through doors you know XD But oh boy, if you thought you hated Neah now, you may either learn to like him or rageface at him all the time for what I will do.**  
>Styrie: <strong>Heh, this is only part one of 3 planned parts of this monster of a story. I'm a little under 2 months for how long this one has taken. So if I keep up the pace, by the time summer comes around, it should be complete. [you know, another 5 million chapters later].**  
>Chibi-Dears XD<strong>: Link'll be fun, honestly. Jealous Kanda anyone~?**  
>Soaha: <strong>I try not to shatter hearts, but this story seems to be good at it. _

_**And to Moyashi, ** I give you fluff, but you know what that usually is followed up by~~~ I DO IT FOR LOVES. REMEMBER THAT WHEN I'M BREAKING YOUR HEART~!_


	33. Mark

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Three_

Allen backed away from Kanda and the two of them stared at the intruder like they'd been struck by lightening. It was hard to stare down Komui's look of complete shock. It wasn't like when Lavi walked in on them and played it off like it was no big deal. Lavi pretty much saw their bond forming as they went…Komui was completely oblivious to the fact that they were even "friends". This made an uncomfortable cramp form in Allen's gut. He didn't know about Kanda, but he was feeling a little but scared by the look on Komui's face.

"What is going on here?" The scientist finally questioned, looking between them carefully. When his gaze turned on Kanda, the man turned his head away, avoiding contact.

"Uh…It's too late to say it's not what it looks like, isn't it?"

"It was what it looked like anyway," Kanda added after.

"BaKanda!"

"What? It's not like they'll do anything to us if they find out. Exorcists are tools of the Order. We'll just be shunned and looked at like we're monsters." A sneer made itself present on Kanda's face. His mood had been quickly shattered by Komui's presence—no, more by the man's expression. "Which isn't unusual, so who the fuck cares anyway?"

Both boys watched Komui for a reaction and both of them stopped breathing when they noted the change in the man's countenance. His serious, chiseled expression softened and it almost looked like he was showing signs of relief. This had Allen confused and Kanda growing furious.

"What the fuck is with that look, Komui?"

"BaKanda, calm down. Let him talk."

The Chinese man stepped back a little to pull the door to the washrooms shut—so there would be no one to overhear their discussion. He closed his eyes and gave himself a second to collect his words before he reopened them and focused them on Allen. "I'm sorry. I was concerned when I walked in…But it appears that Kanda's memories are back, so the worry I had was gone."

"Worry you…had?"

"Tch. Komui, do you really think this beansprout would take advantage of any situation involving someone he could accidentally hurt? Even me. He's a bleeding heart."

Allen's expression formed to one of half-lidded annoyance, "you are such a jerk."

"I don't think Allen would go to that level, but you must understand my concern. I wasn't told properly that you had your memories all back. Is everything okay with you? You appear to have your sparkling personality in check. Are you experiencing any pain, fever, hallucinations?"

The images of the brown-haired man in the mirror came back to him and he glanced off to the glass to check and make sure it was his own reflection. Sure enough, it was just his usual self-loathing face coming back at him. There were only two instances where he'd seen that altered reflection anyway…and both times had involved Allen's body actually touching his. Perhaps… "…No. I haven't."

Before he could defensively jump back, Komui had already come into his personal bubble and the man's hands were pressing his head back. An uncomfortable tick pulled at his face and made him grind his teeth, but he let Komui inspect him. He was checking the flush of his skin, the dilation of his eyes and his general response time. His response already wasn't what it should have been, but the swordsman was chalking that up to being a bit tired. He and Allen didn't exactly _sleep_ during most of their time in bed.

"You do appear to be in better condition than before. You're not warm to the touch. I take it you haven't had bleeding from the ears for a while…but your eyes aren't evenly dilated. When you're ready, I'd like to examine you in a proper setting."

"Komui…" Kanda gritted, giving him evil eyes while his face was dangerously close to his.

"Yes?"

"Cut. Your. Bullshit."

"Pardon?"

"You just walked in on that and you're pretending to ignore it and it's pissing me off, because I can tell it's racing through your obnoxious skull in circles."

The man stood back and adjusted his glasses on his face with a pondering expression etched into his matured features. "I wouldn't pass any judgment on you, though I'm a bit surprised to catch you in a public location. My concern proved to be unnecessary, so I'm more relieved than anything else. If it had turned out that Allen was taking advantage of your current state, then I would have had to do something about it. At this point, all I saw could have been harmless and just a misunderstanding from my end. Ask no questions, tell no answers and I don't have to divulge any information over to my superiors."

"You're putting your ass on the line if someone finds out."

"I'm here to protect the exorcists, Kanda. Not to adhere to the religion that uses you kids like tools."

The silver haired boy wrung his hands quietly. Kanda was doing all the talking and while he was doing that…Allen was doing the thinking. That Komui had to go out of his way to pretend he saw nothing…that as far as he knew, it didn't exist…disturbed him a little. Was the church that cold and rule bound that it would cause problems because the two of them were male? Or was it simply because two exorcists had somehow found solace in each other?

"Why is it such a big deal, Komui?"

The man sighed and glanced away from both of them. He wasn't comfortable with this sort of situation. The more he spoke to them, the more he'd find out and the less he'd be able to pretend. "The Order as per Central wishes to maintain a veil of purity for the outsiders….Also… I'm not making assumptions on what I walked in on, but the Order has a rule about people being…close like that while within the same division, regardless of gender."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you see...Years ago, there was a man and a woman who were on the same team and they were lovers. She was killed in battle and he lost it. I'm not sure what happened, there are little to no records of the incident…for some reason, but ever since that, they've forbidden close relationships between exorcists. I try to look the other way in some cases, but both of you are very high profile and I've already had a hard enough time making up reasons why both of you have been held back from missions."

"Komui…" Allen started, "I don't want to get you in trouble…but I don't want you to think wrong of us either."

The scientist gave Allen a bit of a smile, "I saw it coming from a kilometer away, Allen."

This statement caused the shorter teen to stare at him, like he'd been smacked in the forehead with a giant hammer of 'duuuuuh'. "What do you mean?"

"Don't think Lenalee hasn't expressed to me how you two are strangely complementing. If you're worried that I would shun both of you, you should know better. This just means I have two less people to be concerned about getting too friendly with my dear sweet Lenalee." The man's smile was eerily pleasant as he glanced off to the side, seemingly in his own world for a moment.

"Figures…" Allen felt a little relieved, but still very uncomfortable with Komui having seen anything at all.

"We could always invite Lenalee in the middle, beansprout."

Allen's face lost all color and feeling at the very thought and the very fact that those words had dropped out of Kanda's mouth. He could see the "I'm kidding" reflecting in Kanda's eyes, but he had a scary feeling that Komui wouldn't notice that once his brain connected the meaning of Kanda's words. "…W…what are you saying…" He choked.

"What I'm saying is—"

Before he could even try to speak any further, Komui was dangerously in his face and blathering something about his "dear sweet Lenalee" and how Kanda and Allen were fiends…something to that sort. Kanda couldn't tell really tell, he'd tuned the man out before he'd even begun.

"He wasn't serious Komui!" Allen cried, trying to defend Kanda's stupidly spoken—and very intentional—taunting.

"Would you calm your shit, I'm not interested in your sister. Obviously." Kanda folded his arms and leaned back against he counter, sliding up and casually taking a seat by the sink, not caring that he'd invaded Timcanpy's resting place. The golem simply relocated by hopping up on the man's lap and snuggling into his thigh. "I'd like to know if you found anything with Mugen."

After a moment of flailing and shaking himself free of his silly antics, the scientist shook his head. "No. Nothing was unusual about it. It was touched up. The blade sharpened and the hilt adjusted, but it should be perfectly suited for you. Perhaps you could try it later, after I've properly taken a look at you."

"I'm obviously fine. You don't need to examine me."

"Your left pupil is twice the size of your right. I need to make certain there's no underlying reason for that."

"That could just be because I slept with the sun peering into my face on the one side."

"It should have adjusted by now."

"I'm _fine_."

Allen put a hand on Kanda's arm and the man silenced, "We'll come by later, Komui. He's just being pissy because…well…because he's Kanda. That's what he does."

"Shut up, _moyashi_."

"Make me, BaKanda."

"You're asking for it…"

"Anyway," he coughed and set to ignore Kanda's heated glare, "…you're really not going to say anything?"

"I saw nothing Allen. I just came in and found the two of you brushing your teeth and talking and that's all."

"…Thank you."

"Certainly." Komui suddenly clapped is fist in his open hand, "Oh…right. The reason why I came here to find you two in the first place. Allen, Inspector Link will be back within a few days. I'm sorry to say, but he'll be back to observing you. This mean's we'll have to hurry up and integrate Kanda back in and I'll have to gather as much as I can to make it look like nothing happened in his absence."

"I see…I don't dislike him, but I really don't like being hovered over. I haven't done anything wrong," Allen sighed, staring down at the floor—his heart suddenly clenching at the realization that Kanda wouldn't be sleeping in his room anymore, instead, the blonde shadow would be. That was perhaps the worst part of it…In the time he'd been gone, Allen had gotten so used to a different lifestyle that everything would be collapsing around him the moment Link set foot in his presence. To top that off, he knew Kanda wouldn't react very well.

Because, even though Kanda said he was fine, Allen could still see remnants of the unrestrained emotions flickering over him. His memories, habits, general personality was restored, but he wasn't completely balanced. But…Allen wondered, was that actually the brain damage showing still or had his time with Kanda opened the man up a little?

It was too early to try and guess.

"I wish it didn't come down to this Allen, but it's out of my hands." Komui could only apologize to Allen. Everything was going on above his position to help the boy. He trusted Allen, but the Order wasn't as personable with the exorcists as he was. "I have a few other errands to run, I'll see both of your shortly?"

"No."

"**Yes.**" Allen corrected Kanda's snappy response with his own affirmative one. He gave the older man a half hearted glare. "We'll be there in a little bit."

"Excellent, try not to _kill_ each other too publically now."

Allen coughed and turned his head, not looking Komui in the eye. He knew what that really meant and that mistake wouldn't be made that openly again…especially not with Link coming back.

Beside him, Kanda simply rolled his eyes. He didn't like being treated like he was too stupid to realize the error they had made. They'd been in their own little world for days…well, possibly the whole two months Kanda had been subjected to reliving his own life. Luckily their "wake up call" was Komui and not someone else. He looked down in mid-thought, realizing he was absently petting Timcanpy. He stared for a second and made a face at how ridiculous that was. He was _petting_ a golem. Voices, background to the thoughts in his mind, told him that Allen was still busy speaking with Komui—so luckily, neither of them noticed him treating Timcanpy like it was a cat or something.

He shooed Tim from his lap and his eyes followed the creature that hopped over to Komui, resting in the man's hat for a moment.

The reflection of his own motion caused him to turn and he saw that image in the mirror…again. Allen's hand was connected to his body and lo and behold, the image had come back. This time, it didn't take him by surprise and it didn't flicker away either. His brain finally kicked into gear and connected a few of the surrounding facts.

_And there's a number I'd like you to tuck away in that broken head of yours…..Fourteen. That's all you need to know, brat._

Cross's words leaked back into his mind. They were hazy and he questioned the accuracy of his memory surrounding everything else that was there, but he remembered that particular part of Cross's visit with crystal clarity.

Everyone knew about the 14th, so why would he purposefully place value in that? Possibly, Kanda concluded, because that little motherfucker was the source of his hallucinations. He was triggering _something_. Fucking Neah.

He glared at the golden eyes that were mimicking his glare back. He hated gold. Turning his head, he then noticed a mark on the reflections neck that he hadn't noticed before when the image had startled away due to his own surprise. It looked like it was carved into the skin and perhaps was dabbed with ink to keep the color…or perhaps it was just a fresh and healing wound. Obviously he couldn't check, due to lack of being anything more than a damn reflection. It was a cross. Going from just below the ear, down the neck, and stopping just above the collar bone. At the base of the cross, instead of his usual seal mark, there was…

He stared full on by this point, unhearing the voices that were asking him what was wrong. Fingers touched the mirror when he traced the shape, his heart pounding uncomfortably.

That could not be a coincidence.

He was too tied to the _lotus _for it to be a fucking coincidence.

Allen's hand left his arm and the image jarred back into his usual face, framed by black instead of brown, with no traces of a mark on his neck. The voices came back to him at about that time and he turned his head up numbly to look at Komui who was talking and he was hearing, but not comprehending. He just found himself staring stupidly, like his brain wasn't capable of responding. Komui moved his head up this time and was staring his eyes down like something was seriously wrong.

Nothing was wrong.

So why in the hell was the room moving.

"Kanda? Kanda!" Allen leaned forward to help Komui keep him steady. He suddenly just went limp against Allen's touch and he had the strangest look on his face. It was like he was seeing something or something entered his mind that took him out of awareness.

The black haired man suddenly snapped to alertness, instinctively pushing Komui away from his face and shaking his head like it was pulling him back from some distant place. He tried to focus his eyes and ears on the direct surroundings and get the thoughts that were screwing with him to go away long enough to think.

He needed to talk to Neah.

That bastard.

"I'm fine," he muttered, placing his hand to his head. "Just dizzy. Now go away."

"Kanda, I want you to come to the infirmary now. That was not _fine_, your eyes are abnormally dilated and they're miscolored. I'm seriously worried about it."

"Mis…colored…" Absently he pawed Komui away from his face long enough to turn back to the fucking reflection that was set on haunting him lately. Leaning in closer, he nearly lost his breath at the slight haze of gold that was leaking into his irises.

_What in the hell is going on?_

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: As I get closer to the current timeline, it bothers me to have to say it will dramatically veer from the canon line. I hate that so much, but that's the price of getting into an unfinished series and having a long term fanfiction that goes with it. I hate that one day I'll have to say "OH YEAH, AND NONE OF THE SHIT BEYOND X POINT WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING EVER." _

_Oh well. Hopefully I finish this whole thing before it gets to the point where I'm deeply diverted from it. I mean, in three months I can probably finish part 2. By then, Hoshino will only have like…3 more chapters out anyway. SO BOO. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO. _

_**Someone commented before: **About Kanda having the capacity of a "two year old" in the early part of the fic. Yes, I'm fully aware of the fact that our earliest years are actually are most productive learning years. I've taken my share of psych classes[college and all that jazz], but what I need you to remember, is that Kanda isn't learning new things. He was rekindling what he already knew. Think of it like trying to shove a quarter in a dime slot. It's not going to work. So shoving 9 years worth of knowledge into a two year old's capacity, just not going to work. As far as Komui saying "better than nothing". A two year old's cognitive skills, sense of self and awareness aren't too much above a baby's. So it really was better than nothing. Considering his brain was swiss cheesed. _

_**In order to keep this short, I thank everyone for your awesome reviews! It drives me and lets me know when I'm doing something right and what I should focus on more. Your theories are fun to read too. /lol apparently this story doesn't know what genre it wants to be also.**_

_**Eurythmiic: I LAV YOU. YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS. AND YOU ARE THE MOYASHI TO MY BAKANDA.**_


	34. Dream

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Four_

"Get out of my face."

"Kanda, I'm trying to help you. Fighting me is not going to benefit you."

The younger man struggled and pulled his head away from the Chinese man, feeling suddenly more self conscious than he really should have. He'd been guided to the infirmary against his will by two people who had managed to overpower his bewildered state. The bright lights and sterile smell of the place caused his irritation level to increase by a lot more than it had been. His head was throbbing uncomfortably and all he wanted to do was curl up under a dark sheet and sleep it off. "Get the hell off me."

"BaKanda, something's wrong with you. Let us help."

He shook his head, despite the pain and tried to slip off the white upholstered medical bed. One foot touched the ground and the world started spinning. Everything blurred and his head seemed like it was being crushed. Blindly, he reached his hands out—touching a hard surface that he eventually realized was the floor and that he was now on it. With the two people hovering over him, voices full of sickening concern, he felt like the floor was the least of his worries.

With an unholy grunt, he lifted his leg and placed his foot on Allen's chest to keep him at a distance—he was, after all, the person fawning more insistently over him. Allen only leaned closer, trying to overpower Kanda's foot hold. He was clearly concerned, but the older man was having none of that. The beansprout seemed to forget just how flexible he was. "Back off, shortshit, I'm fine."

"You're not fine! Unless being fine means sprawled all over the floor with your eyes rolled back in your head!"

"Yes, that's what I call fine, now fuck off and let me breathe."

"Not breathing didn't bother you about eight hours ago!"

"That was a different kind of _breathless_, you little shit!" Kanda made a face and turned his head to avoid Allen's gaze. If the golden color was still seeping into his eyes, he really didn't want Allen to see it. At the same time, he was struggling with wanting to just grab Allen and disappear into a dark room, curl under some blankets and sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

It was sounding more and more pleasant by the minute and the floor was beginning to feel comfortable.

"Kanda!"

The beansprout's voice jarred him back into focus and he stared up—his foot still planted in Allen's chest. Though, by this point, Allen had managed to get close enough to reach his face, pressing Kanda's leg back until the older man's knee was touching his own chest. The only space between them was the length from his knee to his foot and he lost the energy to force his leg straight. Damn those big silver eyes. He turned his head just enough to whisper to Allen, "you know, the last time you had me in this position…"

As he expected, Allen's face changed colors and the boy almost jumped back. He could practically feel Allen's blood racing from just that comment. It left him wondering what would happen if he forced a suggestive look to his visage. If he hadn't been so concerned about the color leaking into his irises, he could have tested the beansprout's resolve.

"Stop being difficult."

"Stop being a _beansprout._"

"My name is _Allen…._Or do I have to remind you what you were groaning in my ear," Allen leaned forward and uttered these words through his teeth, close to Kanda's ear.

This time is was Kanda's turn to make a flustered face, growling indignantly. "Stupid shortshit."

"Stubborn _ass_."

An intentional cough reminded them that they were not actually alone. Allen's head turned up to Komui—who was purposefully looking in any other direction. It reminded Allen of the very fact that the man was trying hard _not_ to know too much. With that in mind, he compromised to move away from Kanda enough to make it look less…suggestive and he grabbed the front of the man's shirt and forcibly pulled Kanda into a sitting position.

"Hng," the Japanese man groaned briefly at the sudden change in orientation. He had been nice and content being horizontal.

"Kanda…I know you don't think it's a big deal. But something is clearly wrong with you," Komui began, putting on his serious face. He stood over Allen and Kanda, looking down at the two boys who were still sitting dangerously close, with Allen just between Kanda's knees. "Your eyes aren't dilated right and earlier, I could have sworn I saw signs of jaundice."

…_Jaun….dice? _"Yeah. Jaundice…because my body can _definitely_ show those symptoms."

"I'm being serious."

"So am I. Komui, I'm just tired. I haven't slept in a few days and if this **fuckin** beansprout wasn't doing just _that_, we both would have gotten more rest."

"Hey, hey, _hey_. Don't you blame me, BaKanda."

"Okay, okay…I get the picture. Really…stop talking." Komui shook his head, trying not to let the words and implications set in. These kids weren't very good at discretion…or rather; Kanda was about the worst at it ever. "Look, I'm ordering sleep for both of you. For Kanda, because I want to see you in my office immediately in the morning and Allen, because I want you to ensure that he _sleeps._ And when I say sleep…I mean **sleep**."

"Goddamnit, okay. I said I'm fine and I'm fuckin fine, but if it'll untwist your panties then **okay**."

Allen leaned a little closer and looked off to the side while casually leaving his own mark on the topic, "at least _he'_s wearing them."

Kanda's glare was nearly deadly in itself and he reached out and hugged Allen's neck with his hands—not really squeezing hard, but making the show of his irritation and slight embarrassment on being publically called on it. "I take back everything I said. You are a pain in my fuckin ass."

"I bet."

If Allen ever had a moment he wished he could take a picture, it was at the man's rage-faced flustered reaction. "**See if I ever let you fuc—"**

A loud clap of hands disrupted Kanda's crude statement, "Alright! Both of you get on that mission now!" _And for the love of god, get out of my ear shot._ Komui massaged his temples. He was trying very hard not to make inferences, but it was pretty much too late. It led him to worry about the two of them when the Central hounds returned. He would be making certain that they did not slip up like they had with him.

He couldn't lie though…watching both of them—growly faced as Kanda was and smug as Allen's grin came off as—he was a little bit elated by the short moment of youthful bliss they got. They were still kids, after all. Even if he knew it wasn't going to last and they may never get the chance to fully enjoy the life he would have wanted for them.

Only when the door shut behind their departure, did he take a step back to collect his observations. Jaundice was just something he threw out there to avoid making it seem like it was bigger than it might actually be, but Komui knew for certain he had never seen someone's eye color bleeding into a different color and scientifically it wasn't normal. Neither was Kanda, though. The odd thing about it hadn't been the changing color, but the fact that it vanished by the time they got him to the infirmary.

Komui wasn't crazy. He knew he didn't imagine that.

"I'll have to talk to him alone…" He muttered to himself, before he noticed Timcanpy on a desk, fluttering under a book. Stopping before the desk, he lifted the book and Tim rolled out from under it and hopped around. In the clutches of Tim's teeth was Kanda's golem. "Where did you get that, Tim?"

Timcanpy hopped around and inched toward the end of the desk before lifting into the air, flitting around Komui's head for a moment before stopping right in front of him at eye level.

"Well, I don't suppose you'll take it to him then?" Tim flapped and flew around before darting out of the room with the golem tight in his jaws. He left Komui to shake his head and resign to return to his office and pretend to be working. The little golden ball caught up to the two boys rather quickly, flying around both of them, who noticed him spastically flying between them.

"Tim?"

He landed square in the middle of Kanda's head and the man growled instinctively. His hand moved up on impulse and picked Tim out of his hair and held the golem in front of him. "What did I tell you about my hai—is that my…golem?"

"Where'd you get that, Timcanpy?"

Before either of them could reach to pull the golem from Tim, his jaws opened wide and he swallowed the black mechanical golem whole; flapping his wings once the deed was done. Both Allen and Kanda stared at him in silence for a minute and didn't make a single sound when he rolled over in Kanda's hand, looking satisfied if he ever could. The older man poked Tim and was rewarded with a little flutter of both wings.

"He…ate my fucking golem."

"Oh Tim," Allen groaned and pressed his palm to his face. "Why on earth would you do that?"

"You little shit," Kanda snorted and threw Tim over to Allen. "Your pet is now stealing my things."

"It's how he shows he cares, I guess."

"First your _dog _metaphorically eats my socks and next you'll be stealing my shirts, is that how this works?"

"Can I?"

Kanda shot him a glare and stopped in front of his room. He placed his hand over the door knob, before he remembered how they left everything disheveled. Letting his hand slide off, he turned to Allen and pointed in the direction of the younger man's room. "Your room. My room isn't clean, thanks to you."

"Thanks to me? You helped."

"Shut up and move it, beansprout," he nudged the shorter boy and followed right behind him. It was no lie that he was in a hurry to get into that room. A momentary flicker of concern passed through him at the possibility of actually passing out half way back. The migraine he'd gained—since the mirror—had gone away, but lingered just enough to cause him grief. At the same time…he really wanted to beat that mother fucking Noah out of Allen and grind him for information.

That's where the problem lied. Neah made a good habit of showing up whenever he wanted, but how would he go about actually asking him to come out without Allen finding out he was conspiring with the son of a bitch?

Without realizing he did it, he reached out and grabbed Allen's hand. He stared at his own hand like he had just lit himself on fire. That was not something he intended to do at all and he silently cursed his momentary display of vulnerability. He waited for Allen to turn his gaze back on him and question his strange behavior, but that silver haired head never turned. Those fingers simply entwined with his own and he slacked his rigid stance a little. Allen wasn't judging him and he wouldn't. It would take a while to get that inborn tick out of his brain. It seemed like the anti-social thought processes were coming back to him.

"I put a curtain over the window, so it's a little dark. I guess it won't matter, since we'll be sleeping anyway," the beansprout spoke with a smile ingrained into the very tone of his voice. How the hell he managed to sound like he was smiling, Kanda would never know. Allen was weird and good for that sort of thing. "And I got a bigger blanket, so you'll stop hogging all the covers."

"I do not."

Allen snorted and glanced back at him, opening the door and leading him in. "You do too. Ask Tim. He knows!"

"Tch, you're delusional," he leaned against Allen once the door was shut and closed his eyes. He pressed his face into the side of Allen's head, breathing in his clean hair.

"Kanda?"

"I'm so tired, I'm losing my mind."

The mismatched arms wrapped around the taller form and Allen smiled a bit, accepting this excuse. He couldn't blame his partner; he was pretty tired himself. They weren't exactly known for thinking first and hadn't helped their days of no sleep with romping around in Kanda's bed the majority of the night before. Not that Allen regretted that…because he certainly didn't. There was something incredibly powerful about knowing he was the only one to have that icy man like that. "Well, how about we get into the bed _before_ we sleep?"

Kanda grunted an agreement and he parted from Allen long enough to crawl into the bed. The cool sheets against his skin made him nearly fall asleep before he got all the way in. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually felt that tired. The warm body that moved against him pretty much sealed the deal and he felt reality dissolving. He could barely feel Timcanpy hopping up on him and nestling against his neck and the last thing he saw before the embrace of sleep took him was Allen's white hair.

He rarely ever dreamed. When he did, it was usually clouded in lotus blossoms anyway and he had gotten so good at ignoring the god forsaken plants that it seemed like normal to him. The distinct lack of the velvety pink petals should have been the first clue something was different in the way he drifted in his sleep hazed mind.

It was a range vision of black, yet he could see everything. The endless expanse of nothingness and looking up, he saw nothing but pure white. Somehow, however, the white and black didn't touch at all and he didn't even know how his mind could think that possible. There was no gray…and yet…the black and white didn't come in contact. Or did it…he didn't know…he couldn't tell. Everything was twisting his brain all at once, so he walked.

Walking seemed like a great idea until he realized that walking toward nothingness…coming from nothingness…wasn't going to get him anywhere. _What kind of hell did I dream up?_ He turned and took in the sights of the blankness around him and found that he had no idea what was up or down or what direction he'd even come in. The white above him was gone and the black below was as well…There was no color and there was no gray. Yet the black and white were…

Gone?

_What in the HELL!_

He closed his eyes and pressed his fingers against his temple, trying to quell the uncomfortable pain that was surfacing beyond what he'd experienced before. Things that didn't make sense didn't blend well with him and this was just too much, even for a dream.

_God Damn it. _

Legs moved of their own accord and he opened his eyes to see himself moving again. But the emptiness was gone—well, it was different at least. He wasn't even sure what this was now. It looked like a desolate wasteland. Buildings shattered and sunk into the water. There was absolutely no sound aside from his own foot falls. Pressing on, he came into view of a familiar person.

_Lenalee?_

_The hell…why am I dreaming about Lenalee? _

"_Kanda…" _

Her voice drifted in the emptiness and he moved closer, climbing up the broken rafters of what was once a building. She came into his view fully. Tears were marking her tender face and she was kneeling in front of faceless bodies. They looked like fresh corpses…but they were immaculate. Not a single splash of red…not a single tear in their exorcist coats.

"_Lenalee?" _Despite the intended whisper, it was so loud to his own ears that his own voice hurt. Her eyes fixed on his form and her tears seemed to drop like diamonds. Falling one after the other, harder than ever.

"_Kanda…Why did you…"_ Her voice was shatteringly fearful. What had he done that could ever make her like that? _"Please don't…"_ She was all but shrieking and his head pounded again.

"_Stop yelling woma—" _The sight of red stopped him. At his feet, the water had jarred the nearly colorless wasteland. His eyes fell to the bodies that couldn't be identified, but he realized the red was only under him and he looked down at his own body.

There was an empty hole through his chest where his heart should be.

He was coloring the dream world with the red that was dissolving into the water. Eyes shot back up to the fearful ones of Lenalee. She looked ready to scream again and he couldn't even form the words to tell her to shut up. Momentarily, he forgot he was in a dream. He forgot that the empty world of painful silence was in his own head. It felt painfully real. It felt like a post apocalyptic foreshadowing and he suddenly felt a small fraction of guilt for not taking Lenalee seriously when she had cried to him about her dream when they were younger.

It was frighteningly real. Frightening. That was a feeling he wasn't used to; even felt foreign to him. Death didn't scare him. He'd actually been there and done that a few times; but this empty nothingness wasn't the same and the idea of Lenalee watching him die didn't exactly appeal to him either.

"_Please…" _Her voice pleaded in his brain. _"Oh god please…don't do this!" _

The intensity of her plea startled him awake; eyes snapping open like he's been struck. The breathing that was invading his hearing was his own and he tried to stifle the urge to groan at the sharp needles that seemed to be poking into his brain.

"Are you alright, darling?"

If he had been concerned about air in his lungs, for the moment he put it aside and held his breath. He knew that particular tone. It brought a flurry of displeasure to the forefront of his emotional range. "What did you fucking do to me?"

"What did I do to you? That's a bold question to ask."

"What the fuck did you do?" Kanda repeated with a hiss. Before his encounter with the Noah bastard, he hadn't had any of these strange things invading his mind. He didn't have eyes bleeding gold and he never once had dreams that apocalyptically vivid. The Noah's arm was draped over his shoulder and he didn't move. The fact that his body was pressed to him—almost protectively—brought a wave of discomfort to him. He wasn't a fool to think that any of the Noah were to be taken lightly and there he was…in the arms of possibly the most dangerous one aside from the Earl.

"I did nothing to you, actually. Your own body chose to respond to me," he spoke like silk; haunting yet calm. "Your eyes are much more charming in gold," he whispered, pressing his face into the space next to where Tim was sleeping. The golem didn't respond except to move a little wing to affectionately rest over Kanda's cheek.

"…Why?"

"Why what?"

Freshly golden eyes crossed with Neah's; full of confusion, rage, and fear all at once. It was a delicious look and it brought back the deeper memories that had been hazy in the Noah's varied consciousness for some time. "Why are they gold? Why? You know what's going on. You want me for something. You've said it, but you've told me nothing. How am I supposed to respond when I don't know what you're doing to me?"

"That sort of panic doesn't look good on you, you know." A dark hand comfortingly ran down Kanda's back, pressing into the muscles and soothing him against the swordsman's wishes. "You can't pretend to not have any idea. I know you're not stupid, for your nine years of being Kanda Yuu."

Kanda stiffened against the implications. The past was a horrible thing to be dredged up, but Neah wasn't wrong. It wasn't like he hadn't considered the events of the past in relation to what he was currently seeing in the mirror nearly every time Allen's body was touching his own. The hidden horrors of his past were locked away tightly for a reason. Only Marie and a select few in the Asian branch even knew. The failed project of the Second Exorcists wasn't something to flash around when he was the only survivor of it. But how could Neah possibly know such a thing?

"Those pretty golden eyes that keep returning to you were from your original body; as I'm sure you've guessed."

"How…can you know this?"

"My ally, Cross Marian is more informed than you'd think. He collected information on you when my suspicions first arose."

"What suspicions? That I'm this person from before?"

"You are, with certainty. What's funny though," Neah went on idly, stroking the man's back right over his spine, "is that there are no records of your prior self. An exorcist of the caliber you were and yet…no one knows. Not even the man who initiated the project. No one even remembers your original name.

"…What is it you want from me, Neah. While you're dishing out answers to questions I haven't even asked, why don't you answer the one mother fucking question I did have. I'm sick of this game. If you want my cooperation, you'd better tell me _why._"

"That's awful brave of you, considering I have your precious lover at my mercy."

"You need me bad enough to risk being caught. You want me bad enough to risk Cross's involvement. You want me bad enough to research my existence to verify I'm some supposed to be dead exorcist you may or may not have been involved with. What do you need _me_ for?"

"Hm, very daft assumption…however, it's very true. I do need you. I told you there was something very special in you and that was what drew me to the you in the body you possessed before. It's been engraved into your soul. You see my darling…" He drawled out, taking pleasure in putting the man on edge.

Kanda's breathing stopped without him even realizing.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: The amount of joy I just gained out of the probable screaming all of you are doing is immense to the proportions of how much Tyki loves murdering people. _

_**Kawaiiprods: **I post so often that I don't expect people to keep up all the time! Haha.**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>I hope this one was as good!**  
>IrukaAsato: <strong>I'm keeping Kanda's canon past in there, so it'll be interesting weaving what I plan through that. So much complication! Ha!**  
>Lazy Gaga<strong>: haha, I dunno if I'm that awesome XD By the end of this, some people will be cursing me for terrible cliff hangers.**  
>Styrie: <strong>I've been slackin lately, I usually update every other day, truthfully, I should not be up right now. I go to work in like…lol 5 hours and haven't been to bed yet.**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>haha, poor Kanda. I'm abusing him all the way down to eye color.**  
>Fridayyythe13th<strong>: HAHAHA. I'm sorry. I just gave you another cliff hanger!**  
>Zelix<strong>: I'll try!**  
>Chibi-Dears XD: <strong>hehe, you'll find out next chapter, neh?**  
>WakeToSanity: <strong>I love Komui, and it's kinda fun writing him being his two toned self. I consulted my muse, and I can assure you I will leave this story with an ending that won't leave me being hunted down for my head XD**  
>YukiaSmith01: <strong>No one tells Neah No XD**  
>Book Thief101: <strong> I think Komui is dramatic about Lenalee for the purpose of shrugging off how serious his job is. He goes a little far sometimes, but I think it's genuine care that he feels for many. So I like to portray him as such. Or try to anyway. Amusingly enough, as the plot iceburg hits the titanic, it will sink this story and I'll start part two. It's not too far off on the horizon now!_

_**Moyash, Moyashi, Moyashi, **I expect my swift foot up my ass as soon as you read this. Because I know I will be punished severely. And I love it, because I lav yew. _

_Thank you again everyone! Feel free to textual bash my head in for leaving you hanging!_


	35. Accommodate

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Five_

He sat there in silence. Suddenly the world felt a little heavier and he didn't want to acknowledge it just yet. The words that had bled from those lips had left him feeling numb. The urge to punch the mother fucker in the face for even suggesting such a thing took a backseat to the disgustingly eerie feeling that the Noah wasn't lying. What was the reason to lie, after going through all the effort to corner him like that? He made it nearly impossible to turn down Neah's "offer". Why would he do all that, if he was just playing games? Especially when Cross was involved still.

"Why should…I believe you…" It was meant to sound like a question, but it came out like a dull statement.

"Hmm, your memories aren't very clear. Mine aren't either yet, if it makes you feel better, but I do remember enough. All you know is what constitutes a Second Exorcist. There was an original body and that's the extent, isn't it?"

_Aside from this feeling of needing to find someone…_ "I guess so."

"Your original innocence was destroyed when you died. That much information Marian was able to deliver before you had an unfortunate encounter with Teez." He paused and casually brushed a hand through Kanda's hair. The man was rested against him, back pressed to his chest and he wasn't making any effort to fight him off. Perhaps, due to finally receiving answers. "Yet…despite your original innocence being destroyed, you have full control over the one used to make your Mugen. One soul that has managed to fully accommodate two entirely different pieces of Innocence…That's something that Cross Marian has been trying to accomplish for years upon years and you did it with a child's body and a troubled soul."

"That could be because my body is different…And…Alma…" A shudder passed through him at the recollection of Alma. He'd relived it briefly when his memories had been wiped and it still didn't set well with him. Guilt wasn't a feeling he'd ever get used to.

"Alma? Oh the other exorcist. The Innocence that that one used was the same Innocence used during his actual life. Cross did confirm that one to me. It apparently took a different shape when it was reawakened, but that's beside the point. Your soul is where the Innocence is bound to. But, which Innocence is actually yours? Mugen, or the parasitic type you had before?"

"Parasitic type?"

"Your Innocence before was emblazoned in your neck," he pressed his fingers along the same spot that Kanda had looked in the mirror. The man's cold fingers made him recoil from his touch. "The arms of the cross, right here, trailed the innocence to your shoulders, where you possessed the ability to use kinetic energy to control natural elemental metals. A frightening power when you consider you could easily kill someone with the iron in their own blood."

"Did _he_ do that?"

"I don't recall, if _you_ did that or not. Once I've fully awakened, I'll be able to tell you much more. I made certain to keep my memories of _you_ as clear as possible, but I only managed to walk away with the urgency of why I needed to find you."

Kanda's hand pressed over Tim and the golem snuggled into it and seemed to flatten happily against his new master. "You could have chosen any other time."

"Actually, because of Howard Link, I had no chance to do so. So I sent Marian to get him away for as long as I thought I would need. Then you ended up in a predicament. Before, I was going to play on your absolute hatred of the Black Order, but I found a more reliable method in the process of your recovery. Your recovery also loosened up your memories and relit enough mental candles to trickle in those ones the Black Order tried so desperate to kill off. They didn't want you to remember, did they?"

The black haired exorcist thought back to the number of times he was _killed _partianlly in order to keep the memories that kept returning from being clear. All he knew for certain was that he was trying to find someone and that he was killed by an Akuma in a Lotus field. That memory was clearer than he ever wanted. After all, he was walking in that field everyday, everywhere…He saw those fucking lotuses in everything but his apocalyptic nightmare. "No…they didn't."

"You can thank the Teez for your "hallucinations". That is not my doing, though I'm grateful for such a side effect. It's only proven to me with certainty that you are Ran-Yu Kaneda."

A sudden burst a pain shot through his skull and he curled against the Noah, trying to stifle the whimper that almost passed his lips. The familiarity of it hurt so much he didn't even know how to respond; he couldn't even focus through the intense fire that he felt in his brain.

"And I knew, with near certainty, that Ran-Yu was the Heart's Accommodator before I even had evidence of you being capable of using two different Innocence fragments."

"That…has to be bullshit, then why haven't I had any interactions with any other Innocence? I've held them in my hands and they were just fragments and I felt nothing." He gritted painfully, trying to clear the throbbing that was nearly drowning out his hearing.

"You've yet to be fully awakened. I have no reason to lie to you and do you think I would go through the trouble I have to confirm it? I need you for my plans to work and you will comply; because currently, I am in the body of the one you care so deeply for."

"You are a bastard."

"I'm efficient. Eventually, I you will remember more of what I need you to and eventually, I will tell you more of what you wanted to know. Until then, I need you to keep quiet. Timcanpy will stay near you. I've enchanted him as best I could in my condition. It should repress the hallucinations for a time and your eye color problem."

"I still don't trust you. You've been blocking beansprout's memories," Kanda gritted, moving his head and glaring down the Noah bastard. He hated to admit there was something familiar in the golden eyes of the 14th.

"I had no choice. In fact, I really can't continue to do so and truth be told, I shouldn't have told you a damn thing. I gave you this for your cooperation and the simple fact that I needed you to appear as normal as possible. If you can do that, I won't return until my true awakening. I've used up all my collected power just getting to this point. You caused me grief."

"I caused _you_ grief?" The taller man moved and sat up a bit, leaning over Neah and getting in his face with his eyes practically dancing with the fire that burned in his glare. "You have been the one causing grief. You pussyfooted around until I lost my shit, _then_ you decide to tell me."

"Didn't I say I had no plan to even tell you? I gifted this to you, because I'm a foolish apostle with an apparent death wish. You must keep in mind, I am a Noah cohering with the Accommodator of the Innocence the Earl himself fears most."

"That doesn't make me feel better. Especially when you're putting beansprout in danger," he spit in reply. His brain was still wrapping around what he'd been told and he'd yet to actually fully let it sink in. It was discomfiting that Neah even knew about the Second Exorcist Program, furthermore, that Cross Marian knew as well. Cross's involvement couldn't be good either.

"You care so much for him, it's really quite charming," Neah grinned and wrapped his arms around Kanda's shoulders, one hand moving to brush through his hair. He took a slight delight in the stiff posture that took over the form above him. Despite being told all he was told, he still held the appropriate fear one should hold when being one on one with a Noah.

A growl erupted from Kanda's throat, "cut that bull shit. Your games to upset me aren't working."

"Aren't they?" The grin he gave the swordsman was nearly feral and his ability to overpower that man was almost unfathomable; because before Kanda even realized, he'd been shoved half way across the bed and was pinned beneath the Noah. "I can see every emotion flickering in those once guarded eyes. Your brain is just fine, your memories too; but your emotions aren't in check. It makes it easy to manipulate you."

He ran his cold fingers along the skin of Kanda's torso and a smile teased along those lips at the way the man struggled. The gold flecked eyes raged behind the loose strands of hair plastered across his pale face. His cruel streak flared up and he bent forward to whisper hot words in his ear. "I should show you how I'd _toy_ with you, before I go."

Shifting uncomfortably, Kanda suddenly felt disgustingly trapped and didn't quite like the way the Noah's eyes glinted down at him. Every cell in his body felt like it was active and moving and yet, he couldn't move a muscle for anything. The mouth that was kissing at his skin, felt like pin needles and…a shameful mixture of repulsive and sinfully exhilarating at the same time. All his brain could think about was Allen, but all his body could feel was Neah.

And he meant _Neah_. Not Neah in Allen's body. It was like having an out of body experience or…like he'd felt this shit once before. He closed his eyes at every touch and every nip and lick against his flushed skin. The urge to protest was so high, yet the boiling reminisces of his body made him compliant. The more he felt, the more he thought…and the more he thought…the more he connected.

He was seeing with his eye closed. Instead of Allen, he saw someone looking frighteningly like Tyki. Shivers trickled up his spine as the man touched sensitive spots at his neck, like he knew what he was doing. Like he knew the way his muscles tightened with each seedy breath against his ear.

Because he did.

The motherfucker knew exactly what he was doing.

Opening his eyes, he reached a hand out and placed it over the slender wrist that belonged to Allen. "So, that's what this all is."

"Hm?"

"You were _fucking_ **him** back then."

Neah blinked almost…comically—if Kanda had been in the mood to find humor in anything. Once again, it reminded him of Tyki. Tyki wasn't on his list of people he was really happy with anyway, so that did nothing to un-sour his already boiling mad pissiness. "Well…that's a strange conclusion to draw…"

"It's fucking true, isn't it?" The growl returned with the aggressive ferocity that was trademarked to Kanda. "Well, motherfucker, I'm not _him._ I'm Kanda Yuu. Not whoever you said I was. He _died_."

"Then why are you still longing for things that were never part of Kanda Yuu?" The eerie grin again. The swordsman hated it so much that he almost wanted to punch that face it was tainting. "Allen's memories tell me that the words 'I can't die until I find that person' or something like that…slipped from your pretty face."

"I want closure. That's all."

"And so do I. Don't mistake it, I have no desire to get between you and your precious Allen. The one I want is Ran. He's somewhere in you. All I want is one last glimpse of him."

"You are unstable. Disgustingly so," he remarked, looking up at the entrancing golden eyes.

"I'm certainly not alone in that aspect. There's nothing stable about you. But it's certainly fine. I don't need you stable; I need you alive…Hn, I appear to have run out of time, darling," he drawled, leaning in to force a kiss over the protesting man's mouth. It was no trouble at all for him to simply overpower the man and take the breath right from his lungs. Trembling hands pressed at his shoulders, trying to force him back and a sense of power washed over him. Perhaps Kanda wasn't as afraid…as he was being riddled with the guilt that he was forcing on him.

What would little Allen think about the man's frequent meetings with the Noah living in his head? If lying about memories had been a soul shattering moment, could this top that? Neah didn't think so, somehow. Allen's silly feelings were unpredictable and this man he was breathing in time with was practically the cursed boy's soul. It would probably take more than a few blackmailed lies. At least Kanda would have an excuse this time.

Dark blue eyes closed and he slacked against the Noah's possessive hold. The bruising, biting kiss began to soften into something more docile. It became tender and almost apologetic. The cold fingers felt heated again and the smaller body pressed heart to heart with him, less aggressively.

Kanda knew instantly that Neah was gone again.

White hair glistened against dim light and Allen drew back, looking down at him with a drowsy expression. He blinked. He stared. He blinked again.

And then his whole face flushed pinker than Kanda had ever seen it. It was almost precious. "I…I…oh god…"

"Couldn't even wait until you _woke up_, beansprout? Good lord, and I though _I_ was turning into a nympho." With as steady of a voice as he could manage, he really did try to play it off like nothing happened; but the reality was, he was still somewhat shaken to the core. Remnants of that dream snaking back in, didn't help at all.

"S…sorry. I was dreaming, I guess."

"You dream about _that_ kind of thing?"

"N…no! I was just…dying in embarrassment, that's all," Allen choked and moved off him to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Come back over here and sleep, beansprout. I don't care if you molest me in your sleep. Just warning you, that you'll wake up sore if you do it again."

Allen shook his head, faced flushed and he felt arms around his torso, steadily dragging him back under the covers where Tim was waiting to plop right down on his chest.

At that moment, Kanda needed Allen curled up to him—it was his only link to sanity after the images and information that had been forced on him. All he wanted was a dreamless sleep and—if Neah wasn't full of shit—Timcanpy's temporary spell was supposed to stop those hallucinations for the time being.

Which was _great_, because Timcanpy never left him alone anyway.

…_And the little mother fucker ate his golem._

The last thought that passed through his mind before everything faded to black once more, was how exactly he was going to get the golem _out _of Tim.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: IT'S ONLY LIKE 4AM. I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FOR YOU PEOPLE. APPRICIATE ME. This is the last BIG bang Plot chapter before the sequel. This is supposed to be the Hook chapter that opens up for the continuation. _

_OTL ALL THIS FROM ONE LITTLE PLOT BUNNY THAT DIDN'T GO AWAY. HNG_

_**WakeToSanity: **I'm such a bad boy. Heehee. Making a drinking game out of sexual innuendos in this story is asking for alcohol poisoning… That's what happens when my boyfriend starves me of sex because he's working like a responsible motherfucker. It ends up in my story :D**  
>IrukaAsato: <strong>Komui deals with so much shit, haha!**  
>Marufu-chan:<strong> I keep looking back and going, "where did 30 something chapters come from? LOL" I don't feel like I've written this much.**  
>Kuroya-hime: <strong>I found it so weird that they had NO IDEA about even the man's NAME. That seems a little…off. I love the concept enough to abuse the hell out of it.**  
>Styrie: <strong>I'm a horrible mother fucker ain't I~? Moar cliffhangers in the future, for everyone!**  
>Collateral-Damage666: <strong>Hehehe, whatever did I do~?**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>You people are so lucky I always try to update quick after cliffhangers XD**  
>AkixYuseiGRL: <strong>lolI'msoterrible.**  
>Fridayyythe13th: <strong>HAWHAW. Well, at least I didn't make you wait long!**  
>EXO718: <strong>NOW YOU KNOW. And knowing is half the battle!...or well, maybe. You never know with me!_

_**Moyashi: **You may now take your foot out of my ass. It's starting to hurt. I love you. LAV. LAVLAVLAV. AND I HIT 100k BE HAPPY FOR ME._


	36. Hourglass

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Six_

Timcanpy's "face" stretched as Kanda pulled from both sides of his body. The little golem simply flailed there helplessly, taking the abuse like a champion. Despite the poking, prodding, general abuse delivered from the disgruntled swordsman; Timcanpy refused to spit the black golem back out. Kanda had even resorted to being nice and petting the fucking thing before. For some reason he was hoping that sweet talking the little monster would make it obey.

And of course, once Tim still played stupid, Kanda punted him right across the room anyway. It didn't matter too much, because Tim floated right back into his violent hands. "Little bastard isn't gonna give it back."

"I'm sure Komui will grant you another one if you tell him what happened. It's not like Tim hasn't made a habit of eating things he shouldn't before."

"Beansprout, that's not the damn point." He grunted, pulling Tim's face harder. "He brought it to me and then swallowed it like he was trying to provoke me. Until he spits it out, he's going to be abused."

Allen chuckled and walked back over toward the bed. It was later into the morning than he'd planned to be up for, but a little extra sleep hadn't hurt. Not to mention, he just hadn't been ready to untangle from Kanda right away. So they crawled out of the bed and dressed after they were good and ready to…even if Timcanpy had persistently harassed both of them.

The younger of the two stood right in front of the man seated at the edge of his bed. Looking down at him, he smiled and placed a hand on his hip. "Just admit that you kinda like Tim."

Kanda looked up at him with an eyebrow raised, "I said I tolerated him. I don't like this little fuckass."

"You're such a liar," Allen chuckled.

"I'm not lying. This little bastard is annoying."

"You say I'm annoying." The smile only got wider on the pale face.

"You are annoying."

"But you like me~"

"You're different."

"You like Tim~"

"Will you shut up," he reached out to grab Allen, but the beansprout moved out of his arm range—his tongue sticking out. However, he wasn't prepared for Kanda's second attempt and was caught by a longer pair of legs than his own. Two feet managed to snake around him just enough to pull the smaller boy right back. He teetered over him for a moment, before he had to cave and land over him, a hand on each side of the man's head.

"BaKanda, I could have crushed you," he puffed; but it wasn't a serious scolding.

"Yeah right, I wouldn't be crushed by a beansprout," he grinned up at Allen—sticking his tongue out to trace the curse mark on the left side.

Allen shivered and bit his lip, trying not to simply drop the metaphorical hammer down on that man and ravage him the rest of the morning. "Dangerous territory, you know."

Two dark eyes stared up at Allen with the most unintentional _come hither_ expression imaginable."Oh? And what would you do?"

"What would I do?" Allen asked in a breath, leaning down to kiss at the man's ear and whisper into it. "I'd start by fixing you of this …" His fingers folded into the fabric of his shirt, loosening the buttons one by one until his pale chest was exposed. He inched closer, pressing his knee into the mattress in the space between the man's thighs. Kisses peppered the side of Kanda's face and the victim closed his eyes at the assault, head pressing back. "Then I'd—"

_THUNK _

_THUNK_

_THUNK_

"_Heeeeeeey, you guys in there_?"

A small growl fell from Allen's throat and he lifted his head in a fluster. "Damn it Lavi! **I was doing something here!**" The crease between his eyes became more pronounced as he glared at the door intensely. Kanda'd already got him going and he was planning to see it through and then came _Lavi_ to spoil his heated mood.

"_Something, or __**someone**__?_"

"LAVI!"

Chuckling from below him jarred him out of his annoyed stance and he looked down at the dark haired man. It wasn't terribly obvious there was some degree of mirth to his countenance, but Allen saw it clear as day. To most people, this wasn't a big deal. To Allen, this was Kanda actually laughing. This was something special. He smiled back to him and ran his human-like fingers along the soft skin of his cheek.

"_Heeeeeey, stop ignoring meee_."

This time it was Kanda's mood shattered, "shut the fuck up, out there. And what the hell do you want!"

"_Do you want me to shut up or do you want me to answer the question, Yuu?_"

"**Call me that again and I will hang you from the ceiling with your spine.**"

"_Aww, come on, Yuu…Don't be such a downer. Hey, are you guys coming out some time today? We're finally going to town! Lenalee is waiting!_"

"Uh…we have to go see Komui first before we go, Lavi," Allen explained, stepping into the conversation again before Kanda broke his teeth yelling at Lavi over the repeated offense.

"_Well, hurry up! We'll be in the lounge! See ya guys soon!_"

"Lavi!...Lavi? Damn it Lavi! He didn't even give us time to answer," the younger exorcist grunted and sighed, letting up his hold so that he was lying over Kanda—chest to chest. "He ruined the mood."

"He's a cock block, if you hadn't noticed."

A snort erupted from Allen. The terminology was so Kanda and yet…it was still so strange to hear those particular words come out in that order from him. Maybe it was because it was still mind blowing that he heard the man speak in full sentences that didn't involve screams and insults. "I suppose we need to go see Komui about you."

"I don't want to."

"You have to."

"I don't."

"BaKanda, just let him poke at you for a few minutes. I'm sure he won't hold us for long, especially if we're making Lenalee wait. I want to make sure you're okay. And if you fight me…"

"You'll what?" Kanda challenged him darkly.

Allen gave him the most passive aggressive—yet some how pleasant—face he ever could and effortlessly invoked his Crown Clown to happily threaten bodily harm on Kanda if he even dared to protest. "Ready?" He smiled widely, sitting up.

Glaring dagger into the _beansprout_, Kanda grunted an affirmative. His mind was still busy damning Lavi to hell—and now he was being threatened. The different ways to kill Lavi for interrupting them—now _twice—_started queuing in his brain while he passively re-buttoned his shirt with the help of Timcanpy…who started hopping around on his chest, going after buttons. "Yeah, whatever."

"We'll make up for Lavi's interference," he affirmed, bending to place a sloppy kiss over the frowning mouth. The response to it told him that Kanda was getting over it.

"You are such a horny teenager."

"Look who's talking."

Timcanpy pounced all over Kanda's chest once the buttons were all in place and the Japanese man was just laying on the bed, not really wanting to get up. "Damn it Tim, stop. I'm moving." Sitting up, he took Tim into his hands and squeezed him again. "Little fucker."

"Subject change, much?" Allen teased and searched out his shoes in the mess on the floor.

"I figured it wouldn't be appropriate to go on and tell you how hard I'm going to fuck you into the bed. I wouldn't want you to get excited…like a horny teenager."

The pale face flushed at the words. "You can shut up now."

"See? I'm right."

"You know, Lavi said once…that once you have sex…it's all you think about," Allen stated, looking at anything other than Kanda and feeling somewhat embarrassed. It wasn't that untrue. It wasn't untrue at all. His brain had glimpses of Kanda in every waking moment. _I'm not just in love with him, I'm obsessed!_

"I was your first?" Kanda asked, not trying to make any implications that he thought otherwise; but at the same time, he didn't want to make the assumption.

"Yeah." Silver eyes trailed back to Kanda, accenting the smile that trailed to his lips. "So I can fully blame you for every time I think about it."

Half-lidded eyes returned with a bored expression. "Yes, while I'm blaming you for the same thing. You were my first too, you know."

"Lavi mentioned something about _deflowering each other._" He absently stared off into space, begging his mind to start forgetting things that Lavi was bound to slip out of his stupid mouth.

Kanda simply looked up at Allen. "I'm going to kill him," he declared and to Allen's horror, he adorned the declaration with something resembling a smile. _Oh Christ, he's serious._ _He's terrifying when he smiles…_

_He has a wonderful smile though._

"Hey, BaKanda…I have a question."

"That's nice," Kanda replied flatly, absently twisting his hand as Tim hopped around on it.

"Are you going to answer?"

"Is that the question?"

A glare radiated off Allen and he stood squarely in front of the seated man, "why do you have to be difficult?"

"Why do you have to be a beansprout?"

"Kanda…" The softer voice finally whined. All he wanted to do was ask a question that had resurfaced in his mind since they'd spent the night in the other man's room. He just didn't have a chance to ask it due to everything else…and the fact that he forgot it for a moment.

"Just ask, dipshit."

"…huh…Oh. Um…Why do you have an empty hour glass in your room?"

Dark eyes blinked at the question. It took a moment to remember that he was the only one who could actually see the lotus. Komui always humored him when he mentioned it, but no one saw anything but an incense burner with water in it. In a sense, it must have looked incredibly strange. The velvety pink petals that floated in it burned in his vision and it felt real to him sometimes. So real that he sometimes forgot to stop regarding it as a literal lotus in an hourglass.

"It's an illusion," he finally answered. "A reminder, you could say. It's there to remind me that I'm on borrowed time." His voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke the words. Telling him that was probably not a great mood lifter; but he wasn't going to delude him into forgetting that he wasn't going to have the long full life ahead of him.

Or…he didn't think he would. With the words trickling back into his brain—words spoken from the mouth of the Noah living in beansprout's head—he wasn't sure what the effect of his curse could have. He could drop dead and stay dead or it could have some other adverse effect having to do with the Innocence and this…thing about supposedly being the accommodator. If he did die, what would happen then? Neah didn't clarify anything, really…just left him with more questions than he ever had before.

"I see…I didn't mean to disturb you if I did, then. I was just curious. You had nothing in your room but basics and that. I figured it had to have some meaning."

"It's really just there to fill me with needless paranoia," he remarked dryly—and sadly…it was pretty much the truth.

"Kanda…"

The man stood, placing Tim on his shoulder so the damn thing would be happy and leave him alone to some extent. He didn't want to dwell on this topic, because it never made him comfortable. The itching, painful desire to find that something that he'd been living for just stung harder when he recalled the illusionary lotus in the hour glass. "Let's go see Komui now. I want to get that over with and then I can go rabbit hunting."

Rabbit hunting clearly meant Lavi and Allen laughed a little nervously. He didn't actually want to see his fiery haired friend murdered grotesquely across the 'front yard' of the black order headquarters building. At the same time…Lavi _did_ interrupt something that could have been amazing….

"Alright, you're sure you're alright though? You were having issues yesterday…"

"I'm fine now. Seriously, quit your fucking worrying and let's go."

"As classy as ever."

"If you want me to follow through on my threat of fucking you into your bed, you will shut up and get a move on."

Allen didn't want to seem so eager to cave to the man's stipulations, but it was very hard not to. Especially with _that_ look. _That_ look the older man gave him would be his damn undoing. Lavi was not wrong…Damn it. "Fine, fine. Whatever."

"_Thought_ so," he grunted, shooing Allen out of his own room. The beansprout didn't even protest all that much. Secretly, he was pleased to see Kanda moving about without showing any signs of distress and there was a lingering hope that it would stay that way. Seeing that pretty face scrunched up in pain was like a poison. It hurt him to be unable to help him in those situations.

They stepped out into the hall and Kanda shut the door behind them. The coast _appeared _to be clear, but they weren't really _hiding_ anything this time. It was no secret that Allen had Kanda with him at nearly all times. No one was really privy to any more than that. Well, except Lavi…who got all the juicy details he could…and Lenalee, who hear more than she needed to on accident…and Komui, who was trying to pretend there was nothing there at all. Allen frowned at the fact that three people knew. Three was entirely too many, but he did trust those three.

Even still…

"Good morning, Walker."

The boy whipped around like he'd been shot and his silver eyes fell over the voice that had spoken behind him. His vision was greeted with familiar blond and the rigid form that it belonged to. The man's arms held various packs of papers and folders and he looked ready for business as usual, but…he was early and suddenly Allen felt like he wanted to run. He didn't want Link back yet.

"…Uh…Good morning, Link. I'm surprised…to see you back so soon."

"Don't fret yourself too hard, I'm not assigned to you for another two days. I have some work to tend to. I'm just passing through. I trust nothing of concern will have to be reported in my absence?"

_Not that I would tell you. _"Nothing unusual, sorry. Tim ate Kanda's golem if that counts."

Kanda's glare returned to his face and his head snapped to stare at Tim, who was wide mouthed and ready to give him an affectionate lick at the mention of his name. "Little fucker," the man muttered.

"Excellent, please excuse me. Oh, and I'll also need to borrow Timcanpy for the time being. I'll need to review what he's seen."

An uncomfortable moment of silence passed between them. Allen had to trust Timcanpy to know what not to divulge to the Inspector, but that fear still somewhat remained in his mind. He didn't want them getting in trouble for the numerous amounts of things that they probably could get in trouble for. Kanda, on the other hand, was trying to keep his visage from improperly displaying his extreme level of distress at having to hand Timcanpy over. If Neah had actually enchanted Timcanpy, then separating from him could cause all of those things to return.

_Shit._ It would be painfully hard to hide that something was going on. Howard Link was already on his bad side. This and the fact that he was going to be invading his beansprout's life, wasn't going to make it any better.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: On the next episode of…_

_**WakeToSanity: **LOL, Neah will be so very complicated. Yes he will. I will miss him until I bring him back. He's fun to write for.  
><strong>Lotus seed: <strong>I'm trying to make Neah one of those characters you have no idea what the fuck to think about him yet. It's working :D**  
>Maiga Ryu: <strong>I lol'd like a motherfucker at that part. I think it was even funnier that no one noticed. Like, that poor Golem of Kanda's didn't even have a chance.**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>I try :D well, I've been getting slower, but I've been working more. Once I get more damn days off at work, then I'll be back to posting too much. Lol. Especially with how much shit will be going on in the sequel.**  
>Styrie: <strong>ALL the cliffhangers! And Tim just likes eating Kanda's belongings, I guess XD If Kanda ever wonders where his socks go… I fought with myself over the name, but for some reason, that one just resurfaced in my mind. So I went with it!**  
>AkixYuseiGRL:<strong> NeahxKanda is a guilty GUILTY pleasure of mine. Like whoa.**  
>Collateral-Damage666:<strong> That's right, you better :D**  
>EXO718: <strong>This story is painfully thought out to the end, because I choose to focus on THIS while I'm at work. My stupid brain. Trust me, this is the tip of the iceburg srs bsns goes down in part two.**  
>JewelRinoa: <strong>Hopefully it stays interesting!**  
>Marufu-chan<strong>: Thank ya darling!**  
>Fridayyythe13th:<strong> Lol Neah, he's such a confusing one. And I love the fuck out of him. _

_And Finally **Moyashi, **I really had to think about a name for him LOL. I was gonna go with Kanada, but….Taira FUBAR'D that one for me. Now I cannot unsee Canada. I honestly believe Neah has to be a little off his rocker, but at the same time, seriously cunning, if he managed to fuck 10 other Noah's days. And I live to rip out your heart 3 I LAV YOU. _

_Thanks a ton everyone 3 _


	37. Illusion

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Seven_

To say that Kanda Yuu was feeling a little self conscious was the understatement of the century. He didn't quite know why, but he did believe Neah's words when he said he'd used Timcanpy as a way to protect him from himself. Probably because it was beneficial to the Noah. Whatever Neah wanted to accomplish, he was needed for it, clearly. So, watching Link leave with Timcanpy had left him feeling uncomfortable. That and he found himself absently looking over at his shoulder—where Tim had usually been sitting. He was painfully used to the little shit.

"Kanda, are you paying attention?"

He snapped to attention, looking up at Komui—who was still poking and prodding at him. It was easy to just let the damn man do whatever and pay attention when he was done, but that wasn't what the Chinese man was expecting of him…apparently. "Yes."

"Because I asked you a question."

"Then, no."

Komui sighed and forcibly leaned his head back again, shining a light directly into one of his eyes—and it felt like directly into his brain. Like Komui was shoving the goddamned sun into his pupil. Despite the extreme desire to, Kanda didn't close his eye to the assault. "I asked you if the light hurt."

"So…you're _trying_ to hurt me."

"Kanda."

"Yes. It does. It's drilling right into my brain, now get the fuck off of me," he grunted and pushed him back. "Look, I had my brain pulled out of my ear; naturally, I'm going to be fucked up for a while. So can I just take Mugen so we can leave now?"

"Do you think you can activate your Innocence?" The Chinese man asked, perplexed by the sudden urgency in the young exorcist. Kanda was usually one to sit there, listen to the results of his examination and then casually see his way out. This was more forceful and almost appeared like he was trying to escape any further inspection.

"No shit." Dark eyes stared down Komui; secretly hoping that he really could invoke it. His Innocence had been rejecting him—he assumed—because of his emotional turmoil, the turmoil with Allen…which had been settled. But…there was now the turmoil of a completely different kind he had to fret about.

The raging, crashing, destructive emotions that kept freaking out deep in his mind whenever he even heard the word "Innocence". It was the dull reminder that Neah told him—without any restraint—that he was the supposed accommodator to the Heart. That…is not something to take without a little stress lumped in for free. Especially because, to his joy, he knew nothing about the person he was before. All he knew was that there was a person. That he had died already and was in a new body. Oh and that there was something he was desperately looking for.

If his Innocence rejected him still…then he had no idea what to fuckin do.

"Well, give it a shot, Kanda. I've adjusted Mugen to the best of our abilities. All that's left is the accommodator.

_Accommodator. _

"Tch. Just give me the damn thing," he grunted and held his arm out—waiting for Komui to unhand the sword he'd lifted from the shelf it had been stored on. Truthfully, part of him just wanted Mugen back. He'd lived by that sword for nearly ten years and that thing was practically an extension of his own body. Feeling the weight of it in his hand brought a certain relief to him that he didn't know he was waiting for.

He hopped off the hospital bed that he'd been forced on, holding the sword by its hilt. One hand pulled the sheath from the blade and he reveled in the sound of metal as it slid from its case. With a fluid motion, he ran the pads of his fingers along the blade. It shimmered to life and he whispered the words, hoping it would follow his command. "Innocence Activate."

It almost made him feel like a sword fetishist, but he was practically tingling with delight just holding it again. The metal took on a soft bluish glow and it wasn't sending uncomfortable waves of agony through his whole being. In fact, it felt lighter and he felt sharper with it than ever as he casually swung it—his wrist twisting so that it moved in a full circle. This perfect coexistence with the Innocence sword felt good; but at the same time, he knew it wasn't right. Mugen—the Innocence—didn't appear to be done tampering with him. He could feel it all the way down into his bones and he deactivated the invocation before it became obvious that there _was_ a difference—whether it was bad or good.

"Can I leave now? It seems to be _just fine_," he asked, slight urgency laced into his tone.

"I'm still _very _concerned about you, Kanda. You can go, but I want to see you when you return."

"Seriously…" The swordsman sheathed the weapon and pushed it through a loop near his belt, so that it would rest at his side.

"Kanda, you said it yourself. You had quite an experience. I'm just trying to make sure that you're—"

"It didn't seem to effect my lifespan enough for me to drop dead tomorrow, Komui. So shut up and let me go."

Komui sent a glance Allen's way and then turned his eyes back to Kanda, "I take it he knows then?"

"Well no shit. There's not much he doesn't know after I fu—"

"You can go now," the man jumped in, cutting Kanda off before he could finish saying anything that he really did not want to hear. It appeared that the Japanese teen was very shrewd, more than he gave him credit for. "Just…come back when you return. I believe Lavi and Lenalee are waiting on both of you anyway." He played it off casually, adjusting his glasses and trying desperate to ignore the single fact that Kanda's eyes flecked gold for that moment when his Innocence was fully activated.

He wasn't so concerned about the color or that it was strikingly similar to a Noah's eye color. There was the fact that he effortlessly activated an Innocence that attested that he couldn't possibly be a Noah. It was, however, extremely peculiar and it _worried him._ He could never distrust Kanda like that …he watched the man risk death to protect him. Komui was simply concerned. Those kids were all his younger siblings to him, not just Lenalee. He couldn't just _ignore_ if something was actually happening.

"Fine, whatever. I'm sick of being in this place. Come on, beansprout. Let's go," Kanda grunted and turned like liquid, grabbing Allen by the arm and moving out of the room with him. The discomfort disappeared the moment he heard the office door slide closed. The scientist being that close had made his blood pump harder than he wanted it to. There were some people that he could fool. There were others that were too observant. The way Komui was staring his eyes down had sent that chill up his spine. He couldn't tell when his own eyes decided to bleed gold, so he had no idea how exactly to _hide_ that.

"BaKanda? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, moron."

"You're not acting like you're fine," Allen lengthened his stride to match Kanda's until they were walking synced next to each other.

"I'm just sick of this place."

"Before, you didn't even want to leave."

"Before, I wasn't in my right mind."

"You never have been in your right mind."

"Go suck a dick, beansprout."

"I'm going to have to ask that you provide the required material," Allen shot back and Kanda stopped without warning. The exasperated, yet flushed, expression he had would have made a beautiful photo, Allen thought. "Everything okay?" He asked again, his innocent smile plastered on to his face.

"…Shut the hell up and get a move on," he fought back the desire to drag him off into a room and actually make him do it. He wasn't that bad. He wasn't the horny teenager he accused Allen of being. Unlike the little brat, he had some semblance of self restraint.

He snapped out of his sudden frozen pose and brushed passed Allen, making his way for the lounge, reaching his hand out to take the door handle. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough time to react to the door swishing open with the force Lavi usually put behind his hammer's swing. Colliding with it, he let out a slew of swears—getting a sudden déjà vu from the last time he failed a door. "God…fucking…." He clamped his hand over his face and cursed the stars that came to his vision.

"Huh, what was tha—? Oh, I didn't know you were there, Yuu. What are you doing behind the door?"

Kanda fought to keep himself from slipping Mugen from its sheath and taking it for a field trip into Lavi's insides. He didn't need to spill the bookman junior's life liquid all over the hall floor. "Call me that again and you will die," he glared heatedly, trying to will the impact out of his head—thankful his healing ability made it possible to just shake off concussions.

"Calm down, Yuu. That didn't hurt, did it?"

A twitch made itself present over Kanda's eye. It was a tick that he couldn't get rid of when his blood pressure sky rocketed from annoyance. "Tch."

"Are you feeling better, Kanda?" Another voice came from within the lounge. From within the room appeared Lenalee, with a gentle smile. The smile she usually reserved for Kanda and Kanda alone. It was sibling affection that the swordsman didn't know how to deal with sometimes.

"Yes." He grunted, quietly adding, "for god's sake."

"Sorry, he's a little grouchy because of Komui," Allen apologized softly to Lenalee, who chuckled at how polite Allen was.

"So you guys are better now?"

"Haha, yeah. I think so," he started, a little smile etching into his face. That, he couldn't help. Call it a silly love struck thing he had going, but thinking about Kanda made him happy. He wanted to enjoy that for as long as possible. Having someone that close to him…made everything worth it. Not that he would ever tell Kanda, but he wanted to protect what they had. No matter what.

"I'll admit, I was so happy when Lavi told me you two reconciled." she slid closer to Allen. With a pseudo-innocent smile, she leaned in toward his ear and whispered to him, "so is what Lavi said true?"

"What did Lavi say, Lenalee?" He did not like where this was going. Not at all. It was never a good thing when a statement had anything _Lavi said _in it. In fact, that was a reason to flee from the question entirely. Out of courtesy, he chuckled nervously and waited for clarification.

"Is Kanda really…" She started and the whispers faded until Kanda couldn't even hear what she was asking. All he was certain of was that Allen's face flushed hot and he looked like he caught a fever from her words alone. _The hell did she say to him._

"L….Lenalee…That's…That's. I can't…that's….Yes," he squeaked and turned away from her, not daring to look at her—knowing her reaction was probably a borderline squeal.

"Hey, what did she just ask you, beansprout?" He really didn't want to know the details. He really didn't. But he wanted to know why Allen looked like he was going to pass out from the blood rushing to his face.

"Don't…don't worry about it…Haha. Oh god… Really."

He folded his arms and looked away with a grunt. It was probably better that he didn't know what the context of that was. Allen knew that Kanda wasn't into spilling his personal business, so he had to trust the beansprout not to make it uncomfortable or awkward for him. Though…Lenalee had looked at him rather strangely.

"Hey, everyone ready to go?" Lavi grinned.

"Tch."

"Yup…" Allen chuckled, letting it die until it sounded like a half hearted nervous gesture.

Lavi grinned and darted between Lenalee and Allen, snatching Kanda's arm completely unexpectedly. He pulled the Japanese man along with him, taking the man by near complete surprise. Kanda didn't even have time to ball his fist up and cram it down Lavi's throat; he was being hauled nearly backwards down the hall—away from Allen and Lenalee. He could only foster a look of surprise for the sudden change in orientation.

Blinking, his brain knew it was Allen he was staring back to; but his eyes saw Neah. Allen's soft silver eyes didn't even break the illusion. He tried hard not to make any indication that he wasn't seeing Allen, but his mind just wasn't working with him like he wanted it to. Seeing the Noah fully was different than seeing him in Allen's body. This was a different kind of sight.

Golden eyes seemed to paralyze him and he stopped moving his feet, stopping them both in their tracks. He was oblivious to Lavi's curious gaze and oblivious to Lavi's voice. Something deep in him teetered on the edge of pain and discomfort, but he pushed it out as hard as he could when his vision filled with the glaring green of Lavi's bandana.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Without a word, Kanda recovered enough to grab Lavi by the arm and pull him hard enough to bodily swing and flip him over his shoulder, expertly throwing him—back flat—into the floor. "Perfectly fine," he sneered down at the redhead.

"Touché, Yuu. You got me there." _At least you think you did. Now what's wrong with you?_

"Let's just go. Before I put my foot in your ass."

"So kinky~" Lavi jumped up, as if the trouncing had done absolutely nothing to him at all. "I claim Yuu for this date!"

Allen and Kanda both turned their gazes on Lavi and with almost a seemly single shared breath they exhaled: "**What?**"

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Projected 3-5 more chapters after this. That's the plan. Knowing me, I may fuck up and change my mind. But that's the intent. Then the sequel Cacophony will begin. And I will explode all of your minds with how convoluted I made this thing that was originally supposed to be only ten chapters long LOL. _

_**WakeToSanity: **Unfortunately, Link won't get as much time as I wanted to give him, but his interactions with Kanda were never really noted at all. So that was kind of inevitable. But there will be something. I'm glad you seem to enjoy my writing so much. I look at it like "(╯°□°__）╯︵ ┻━┻ __Stop fucking up these words, David" and you're like "ILOVEIT". So I may be being too hard on myself again.**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>Many thanks dear!**  
>Sayo-chan64: <strong>Tim is possessive, the little nutter! But he did have a reason to do it. Haha!**  
>Kilala-hunters:<strong> You're a new reviewer, I believe. I'm glad you've enjoyed what you read so far!**  
>LePetitErik: <strong>Haha, I hope it'll be interesting. If not, I shall be flogged (╯°□°__）╯︵ ┻━┻**  
>Fridayyy13th<strong>: Because Hoshino is too pussy to kill a seriously main character. Which is why Kanda is still with us and Link is not.**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>I'll explode in the process of writing the sequel and everyone will have to wait until I pick my own pieces up and put myself back together. XD I'ma try to make it that huge.**  
>AkixYuseiGRL: <strong>Let's hope Tim has some filters in his little golem recording studio.**  
>JewelRinoa: <strong>Lavi is always doing that lol! He'll get his one day!**  
>EXO718:<strong> And this explains why Kanda is pissier than ever at this point in the timeline. Not only did Tim take his golem, but Link took his beansprout!**  
>Styrie: <strong>LOL. I think Kanda would be less mad at Canada than Yuu. Lavi's lucky he's alive.**  
>BunnySenpai: <strong>Timcanpy is the best ever. I love the damned thing and so does Kanda, he just doesn't want to admit it. : I'm glad you are enjoying!**  
>Collateral-Damage666: <strong>I wanna see, I wanna see.**  
>Kayce Hurd: <strong>Oh, I think Allen hopes more than anyone that Tim knows what not to show. Awwwwwwkward.**  
>ChiKazex: <strong>I shall write until it's complete! Thank you!_

_**Moyashi: **From what I gathered, Hoshino doesn't intend to reveal anything else about Kanda and Alma, so I think we're safe on the original name. It's a hazy timeline too, so it makes it easy to play with. I love drama fuckfests. And you shall too. For I shall shattered your heard with love, angst, violence and fluff. YOU SHALL SEE._


	38. Concern

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Eight_

"Lavi, please stop badgering Kanda, he's going to hit you again…" Lenalee pleaded, taking Lavi's arm as he redhead reached for the swordsman's arm again. Not like he would have actually succeeded in grabbing it. Those glaring eyes were already peering over the shoulder of man's target. Kanda was on guard now. It seemed like the chance was lost the moment Kanda socked him in the face after laying claim on him. He was only joking…but then, the Japanese man wasn't very good with those kinds of jokes.

…Allen didn't find it nearly as amusing as he thought he would. Actually, it was kind of adorable how Allen nearly gave him the dark "I will hurt you" eyes that he got when someone hurt his friends or stole his food—added with the creepy aura he got when Poker Allen came out. He had no choice but to back up and admit defeat before Allen strangled him with a pleasant smile. Kanda was Allen's.

"Aww, Yuu, stop being so stingy. There's plenty of you to go arou—" He shut his mouth and held his arms up again at Allen's threatening claws pressed dangerously close to his face. Despite being _scarier than shit_, Allen had the nicest expression imaginable.

"I told you to stop, Lavi…" Lenalee looked up at him with her trademark _please stop_ eyes and he shirked away from Allen.

"Oh fine, but they're just so damn cute," Lavi grinned, even as Kanda's gaze turned near deadly on him. The redhead was the master of being annoying and Kanda was certain he did it purposefully.

"Do you have the list, Lavi?" Allen asked, trying desperately to shake the man's probable mischief off. He just wanted a peaceful day before he was scheduled to be ripped from any pleasantness he'd gotten used to recently.

"I sure do. Komui's writing is terrible. But I have it memorized in here anyway," he pointed to his head. He passed the scrawled note over to Kanda, who snatched it with a curled lip that expressed his disdain for everything Lavi related.

"We'll split up," the dark haired man announced without any hesitance or room for question. He wasn't going to explain his desire to not see Lavi's face for an afternoon—he was certain that could be inferred if the bookman junior tried hard enough.

"Aw, we don't need to split up!" Lavi whined, but he was actually more disappointed by the probability of being separated. Something was up with Yuu and he wanted to observe. He'd already masterfully pissed Yuu off and gotten the sweeter end of the man's fist into his face. He'd been flipped over his shoulder too and threatened by Allen when he tried dragging Yuu off. Passing it off as jest, he got the chance to make a few observations. He wasn't blind to the single fact that Yuu was avoiding direct eye to eye contact with him. He kept his head perfectly angled to keep Lavi from really getting any clear view of his face.

The term "hiding" seemed to fit him at that moment. He hadn't been right for a while, but this wasn't the same kind of out of place as before. This was almost like he was holding himself very carefully and avoiding mirrors and reflective surfaces at all cost—which originally led Lavi to pay attention to his face. What was _he _seeing?

"Lavi. Let's go to the south end of the market. We can pick up the first few items there and meet back with Kanda and Allen later," Lenalee pulled at his sleeve and damn it all, he couldn't say no to such a pretty face.

"Well, alright. But you're not off the hook yet, Yuu. I'll have you leaping into my arms in no ti—okay, okay, okay! Don't hurt me!" He yelped very suddenly at both Allen's clawed finger at his neck and the tip of Mugen close to his nose. They were a terrifying pair when they mirrored their actions like that. It was like they were moving as one unit and not two extremely dysfunctional ones. "I was kidding, ha ha!"

Kanda's expression darkened, but he didn't look Lavi full on—just from the corner of his eye. "Watch what you say while we're in public, you fucking idiot. It would piss me off if you got us arrested for blasphemy." It would sincerely piss him off to the point of murder, if he got arrested for alleged public displays of homosexuality—commonly seen as betraying the word of God in that particular area.

"I get it, I get it. Come on Lenalee, let's go look around." _Damn._ _I lost my chance_.

He was sure he'd get another chance, but for the time being he would let Allen do all the worrying about Kanda. He seemed to be fairly good at that if the previous months had anything to show. Taking Lenalee's arm, Lavi did positively note in his mind that Kanda was acting more like himself.

Allen waved to Lavi, feeling a strange sense that Lavi's mind was going in places he wasn't quite sure he should be curious or worried about. It was Lavi, there was a probability that both were happening at the same time. "Well…I guess we'll be on our way too then."

"Exactly where do we go?"

"Uh…we just look around. Check out the town. The shops; see what everything has to offer," Allen answered with a smile. "We're in the market district, so there's tons of imports and local shop stuff. You can find all sorts of amazing food," he drooled happily at the very thought.

"Is that all people do here?" He questioned, but suddenly regretted it. The look on the beansprout's face made him feel a little…stupid. A feeling that sent little tremors of irritation through him. Feeling stupid pissed him off. Even if it was Allen, he didn't like feeling stupid in front of another living creature.

"Kanda, you've never been _shopping_ just to shop, have you?"

His face scrunched up in displeasure. "What of it?"

"I'm not making fun of you, BaKanda. Don't give me that look." Allen groused and shot him back a heated glare. "I never suspected you would really do anything that wasn't absolutely necessary anyway, but I'm a little surprised."

"Tch."

"Let's just go into a shop and look around."

"Just to look?"

"Just to look."

"What's the purpose?"

"To look, BaKanda!" He laughed and pushed Kanda toward a close by shop. "Not everything needs a reason. If everything needed a logical explanation, then we wouldn't be here at all."

"Tch," Kanda made a face and pushed the shop's door open before Allen smushed him against it. A bell on the door made a ding sound and his head turned in the direction of it with lightning speed. It really wasn't an intentional reaction, but all he could think about when he heard that sound was Daisya's bell. It made him stare at the bell for a moment. Some degree of camaraderie had existed between him and the soccer player, but he really hadn't had a chance to think on it. Ever since his refreshed memories, he hadn't thought about that. Now he was and it didn't upset him…but it made him feel the need to show at least that second of silent respect.

"Kanda? Something wrong?"

He moved his eyes from the bell and continued to move into the shop. "No, I'm fine. Just another memory resurfacing."

"Are you sure you're oka—Okay! No need to give me the evil eyes."

"You're worrying too much."

"Isn't that what I always do?" His voice was bland, but truthful. He always worried and he would always worry, especially about Kanda. He'd worry about Kanda even when there was nothing to worry about. That was the result of being mind shatteringly in love with the stubborn bastard.

"I suppose I can forgive you, then."

"So generous."

Allen's eyes wandered all over the little shop, different things catching his eye. To Kanda, Allen was like a kid in a candy shop. It was actually somewhat hard to believe that this little brat could be so…adult acting when he needed to be. When they were tangled up in the sheets, it didn't feel like Allen was only sixteen. But watching his eyes glitter at the shiny trinkets and estranged items from all over the world, it was somewhat…amusing.

Following the boy's lead, he wandered around the shop. He never really found a use for personal possessions, so he never even bothered. His "paychecks" from the Black Order either went to Lavi begging him for spare change all the time or he just saved it for long trips where he'd spend it on better hotel rooms than they would have normally been granted. He wasn't one for luxuries, but he'd rather not sleep in a lower classed bed that he had no idea what vagrants were probably having sex on it just before his arrival.

Despite having the money to buy any little thing in the shop, he really found no _need_. All he needed was his sword and possibly a hair tie to keep his hair from pissing him off. Other than those things, everything else was just a waste of time. Still, he looked around to humor the beansprout—poking at a thing here and there.

There were so many breakable things in there and for a split second he wondered if Allen should be even allowed in this place. Not that he was the lord of grace himself—when he was fired up he could be a walking disaster—but Allen wasn't graceful at all unless he was fighting. When he was engaged in a battle, he was like liquid; fluid in his motions and precise. Otherwise, Allen was an accident waiting to happen—only second in degree to Lavi.

Fingers traced over a glass and moved on to a mirror that was adorned in a silver frame with vines etched into it. It was a beautiful mirror…with exception to the reflection. Those golden eyes blinked back at him again and he wasn't sure if this was a hallucination or if his eyes really were turning gold again. It was especially confusing because of the brown locks and the mark over the reflection's neck. It was _that_ face again. _He says he had nothing to do with this, but this only started when Neah showed up._

He inspected the reflection, giving himself a chance to make mental comparisons. They did have the same face. The reflection and his own. Everything else was just a little bit different. It wasn't like with Allen and Neah, where the differences contrasted like night and day. Neah's hair appeared like a dark—deep—red, complimenting his dark skin and golden eyes. Neah seemed exotic and—despite some of the range of his disgustingly creepy behavior and questionable plans—he was some degree of charming when he needed to be.

Kanda blinked and realized he was actually staring at Neah's reflection and not just recapping things from his mind. Shaking himself out of his reverie he turned to look directly at Allen, seeing the white hair again and the soft silver eyes. Thankfully.

"Okay, that wasn't _normal._ I called your name like three times," Allen stated, his eyes showing his concern; but also showing a determined need to pry into any potential issues that could be dug out of Kanda.

"I'm just thinking."

"You're not on guard and you're distant."

"And you're annoying."

"If something is wrong, we _need_ to know. Your personality seems in check, your memories are returning and you have your innocence, but there could be something else going on. Please don—" He was cut off abruptly by a finger placed over his lips.

"Say another word and I will not only strangle you half to death, but I will not hesitate to deny you," he drawled, knowing that Allen would catch his drift. It was a cruel tactic, but he knew how to hit people when needed. "I'm fine. And I will be fine."

Allen pouted but dropped the topic. He wanted to press Kanda until the man opened up and spilled out every little issue that he could possibly have, but that wasn't like him at all. That he even got full sentences out of him was a miracle in itself. So, for the time being, Allen let it drop—choosing to simply give him a pouty face.

"Don't you even put your lip out like that. Your innocent face isn't fooling anyone."

"My concern," Allen frowned deeper, "you have all of it. The least you can do is acknowledge that."

Kanda made a face and simply resorted to cuffing Allen upside the head for being so mushy in public. "You mentioned food," he started and pointed to the door. "If I shove your face full of it, will you stop harassing me like you're my obnoxious wife?"

"…I'll deeply consider it."

"Good, now get out."

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: I'm experiencing what I like to call "This is almost finished" syndrome. And it causes me extreme bouts of self doubt and feeling like I've botched this entire thing up and that it's not good enough or that everyone is OOC and I suck. I hate ending things. Which, it's only half done technically, but this half is such a mile stone for me. as someone who hadn't written anything longer than 3 pages in almost 3 years that I have filled myself with uncomfortable feelings of "GOD I SUCK DICKS." _

_Sorry for not replying to everyone this chapter, I'm instead opting for getting a jump start on the next chapter. I didn't mean for it to take so long on this one, but I reached a block of that "it's almost finished" syndrome kind. Despite knowing every little thing I want to do, I hesitate because I'm a giant tardmuffin. _

_I've been writing little pages here and there on Persecution to get me back into the way I write Kanda here. It's…a bad idea to Write this story after I write Kiss Me, My Pretty. LOL because I tend to accidentally blend the styles. Anyway, thank you all for your patience and I shall see you next chapter. _


	39. Ring

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Thirty<em>-_Nine_

They browsed through another shop, littered with all sorts of exotic and local trinkets. After taking a break for food—enough to feed a small country, in the case of Allen—they resumed their little excursion. Kanda was certain that Allen was eager to get away from food for the moment. All the unusual and foreign things that collected into the area finally brought something that Allen found he really didn't like eating. It was actually somewhat amusing to the swordsman. He didn't like sweet things, but he rather enjoyed the chocolate covered treat that made Allen nearly crawl away. With a slightly bittersweet taste, he found chocolate covered crickets to be something he could try again.

…If only to watch Allen squirm.

Because that was more delicious than the delicacy.

The beansprout wouldn't be looking at crickets the same for a while, he mused to himself—looking through shelves upon shelves of imports. It was nice to see some authentic Asian goods. It reminded him of his roots. Though he was Japanese, he found he was a little culture mixed due to being essentially raised in China. He picked up a traditional Japanese fan. He didn't even have to open it to know that's what it was.

"Find something you like?" Allen asked, peering over nosily.

"It's just a fan," Kanda replied, handing him a similar one.

"How do you open it?"

"You've been to all those countries with Cross and you've never come across a simple Japanese fan?" He snorted and flicked it open with surprising elegance. The painted surface of the fan spread into a gorgeous picture of a cherry blossom tree.

Allen tried to flick it the same way, but after the first two failed attempts he simply opened it with both hands—looking at it. "I was too busy paying off debts to really get a chance to market hop. This thing is pretty though, wow. It's different than the one you have."

"They're hand painted. Some of them are constructed differently. I think yours is probably more durable than this one."

"That's really neat. They're not really usable though, are they?"

"Sure they are. They're just a bit ornate. The really ornate ones aren't recommended for use, naturally, if you want it to stay nice to preserve the paint—more for decoration and flash. They have just plain ones for casual use. Probably not sold here. It's not profitable to sell something _useful_ in a shop like this."

"You know a bit about fans."

"It's because it's art related." Kanda said his eyes casting off in the same way Allen imagined he himself did when someone mentioned Cross. "I hate art…" He muttered, "but I can tell you more about it than I'd ever want to."

"And you're telling me you never went simply window shopping like this with Tiedoll?"

"I waited around for that man a lot," he answered, clenching his fist and trying not to get irritated by the very reminders that his first trip through a town involved Tiedoll telling the Inn keepers that he was his kid and how those damned women wouldn't leave his cheeks alone for anything. He wasn't cute.

He just fucking wasn't.

"Is he really that wacky?" Allen questioned, picking up an ornate looking box—still holding on to the fan.

"He's…an artist. That goes without saying." He closed the fan and placed it back on the table, moving on to other trinkets and things that seemed to make Allen excited. He wasn't really sure what to do with himself in this situation. Really, he spent more time watching Allen's expressions to things than actually looking at stuff.

His disinterest in possessions might be part of that.

Allen moved ahead of him a few shelves, looking at stuff more enthusiastically than he could understand. Of course, anything was more enthusiastic than he could understand. The white haired brat seemed more interested in this particular section, however. Begrudgingly, he made his way over to him to see what those silver eyes were sparkling over. "What did you find now?"

"Well, I've been looking for something that I could give to you so that I could identify you in the case of someone trying to impersonate you."

"Impersonate me?"

"Yeah, like Lulu Bell. I mean, all I have to really do is talk to you for five minutes and that charming personality of yours would give it away, but on the off chance they could impersonate you like that, I think a personal token could wash that issue away." He explained, glancing over the selection in front of him.

"Tch," he grunted at the boy's_ positive_ review of his persona. It's not like he was wrong, but Kanda would never give Allen the benefit of knowing he was right. He chose, instead, to move behind the boy and peer over his shoulder—taking in the product that Allen was looking over. "…Beansprout, you know what those are right?"

"Rings, obviously."

"_Promise_ rings."

"O…oh. Why are they on chains then?" Allen asked, peering into the case. "They're not all that feminine either. I think these would be perfect. They match and no one else would even know about them. What exactly does a _promise_ ring mean?"

"A promise ring can mean a few things."

"Such as?" He pressed, picking up a small black ring that had a cross etched into it. It actually seemed to have a split all the way around it and he toyed with it for a moment—hoping he hadn't picked up a broken one.

"Well, it can refer to friendship, love, faith, or of a future marriage. Mostly it refers to a permanent promise between two people."

"How do you know this?" Silver eyes looked up to Kanda and his hands still fiddling with the ring until it split. Curiously, he turned his eyes down to see that the one ring had actually become two that interconnected at the crosses.

"I do less talking and more listening, _moyashi._"

"You talk to me plenty, you jerk. I mean, who was telling you about this kind of thing? You must have at least seen one if you can identify it so easily," he put the rings back together. They fit perfectly and returned to the single ring form. In his mind, it would be even better than the matching rings. This one was actually two parts of a whole…replicating it would be a whole lot harder than if they just had a plain token.

"A mission. A long time ago with Lenalee. She did the talking, I just waited for the fight."

"That sounds like you." He inspected the chains that were attached to the ring. Two chains, one for each half. He had to really ponder this, because somewhere in his mind he was thinking of how…cheesy this would look to Kanda. It really was meant as something he could use to identify Kanda. Something personal. Something that no one else would have any clue about.

"Can I help you today?" A voice interrupted his thoughts and Allen looked up to a pretty young woman who appeared to be the shop keeper—if he was to assume by her question.

"Uh…I'm just looking."

"Are you two looking for rings? You're such a cute pair. I saw you looking at them and I immediately though of a perfect ring for you. I just wanted to show you if you were interested."

"Well…" Allen took nervous glance at Kanda and the swordsman gaped a bit, not really sure what to do. _Thanks for the help, BaKanda._."Okay, I suppose. No harm in looking, right?" He gave a nervous chuckle.

"Excellent! I don't usually press certain styles on people, because everyone has a unique taste; but gosh, this one just screams the both of you." She said so cheerfully it almost gave Kanda a headache. She reached up, feeling around for a ring that had apparently been put aside. She brought it down and blew a little dust from the crevices of the ring and presented it to Allen. "Now, I know what you're thinking. It's a little dusty. But this is a special ring. It's one of a kind. Crafted from hematite and silver. Both are healing metals that provoke spiritual balance. Silver is seen as a symbol that coincides with the moon. Hematite is often a grounding, earthy symbol. Looking at both of you…it just seems like fate," she laughed and let Allen take the ring in his hand, letting it break into two rings the way the other one did.

"Wow, it is a gorgeous ring. Er…rings. How come this one wasn't displayed?"

"Because it was made by my grandfather. He said that I could never just sell the ring to anyone; that I had to know the ring was made for two people. When I saw you two, that's all I thought of. Because it's like you're the hematite and silver. A perfect Yin and Yang. You look gentle and full of light—like the moon. And she looks strong and steady as the earth, the shadow."

Kanda stared at the girl for a very long moment. He so badly wanted to open his mouth and let the words just fall out…but his brain was still wrapped around "_she". _Now, he knew he had a pretty face—according to others—but…come _on_. He was taller and had more build than Allen…Well, then again…he was covered all the way up to his neck. Allen had less fabric over his chest, making it harder for _him_ to be mistaken for a girl… But… _really?_

"Ahaha…" The younger man tried really hard to ignore the sinking aura of his companion. It was apparent that he wasn't handling the mistake too well. He casually placed a hand on Kanda's back to try and hint that he should just calm down. Using the other hand to hold the rings up in front of him, he really got a good look at them. The black part had a cross that was embedded into a cutout of the cross on the silver part and in some way, he could see exactly what she meant by the ring screamed both of them. The more he looked at the gorgeously crafted piece of jewelry, the more he wanted it. It was charming, in a perfectly gender neutral way.

"What do you think?" The shop girl asked, her happiness oozing from her.

"Would you mind if we talked it over a little first. We really just came to browse around a bit." Allen felt like a jerk, practically asking her to go away just so he could talk to Kanda; but he really didn't want her realizing Kanda wasn't the girl she mistook him for. That could cause unnecessary issues.

"Certainly, just let me know if you decide." She cast them another admiring, yet hopeful glance and turned back to do whatever task she had been doing before she'd come over to them.

"That was awkward."

"Tch!"

"Would you rather she have realized you were a man and then have her freaking out about us being sacrilegious? Besides, you make a beautiful woman, Kanda," Allen teased and turned his head to hide his massive grin.

"You're pushing your luck, beansprout," he growled and folded his arms, turning his back to Allen.

"Oh come on. Not many people are good enough looking to be a beautiful woman…" he lowered his voice, "and a drop dead sexy man at the same time."

"Is that a compliment or an insult!" Kanda quipped with a bark.

"Calm down, yeesh. Anyway…" He gave Kanda a heated look before glancing at the ring again. "I want it."

"You seriously want it?"

"Yes. She seemed eager for us to have it and I think it's perfect. It's one of a kind. Something no one would know we had and it'd be impossible to perfectly replicate either half. Especially since each half is different."

Kanda watched Allen go on, eyes glittering over the ring and he could have sworn he saw the boy sweating with how hard he was trying to make his reasoning not seem as…blatantly gay as it was sounding with every passing second. "Then get it."

Allen looked up to him, surprised by the lack of insistent protest.

"If you want it, then get the damn thing." He rolled his eyes and joked, "but you better get down on one knee if you plan to give me half of it."

His partner stared at him—stupefied—for a long while and he simply returned the stare until it almost became a comfortable silence that neither was sure how to break exactly. Allen was a little shocked by the man's compliance. There was no doubt that buying a _ring_ looked really commitment oriented or looked incredibly sappy; but Allen would swear on his life that it was really for a good reason. After all, how the hell was he supposed to know these things had such heavy meanings?

"Some how I don't get the impression I could get away with getting on one knee. Since we lack female parts between us, an action like that would get us in a lot of trouble."

Kanda blinked at him before opening his mouth, "are you saying that you'd actually _do _that if I wasn't male?" He tilted his head in a way that seemed to accent the elegance of his features and the exotic nature of his eyes. Allen suspected that Kanda had no idea he did this.

"Are you saying you wouldn't deny me?"

"…You are really that hopeless, aren't you?"

"I'm not alone here."

"Just shut up and get the fuckin' ring, beansprout. If you want it, then buy it. It's your choice."

A smile passed over Allen face and Kanda didn't know how to react to it. Allen was just so…happy. Part of him wanted to smile back, the other part of him felt his face would actually crack if he did it. _Emotions are so tiring_, he mulled and watched the silver haired boy go back to the woman who had come to them. Logically, Allen presented an unarguable reason for having something like that. On the other hand, he couldn't really deny the strange nature of having two _rings_. Symbolically, they were tokens of some kind of bond.

Whatever it was that they had, was he willing to put something tangible to it? Wearing it would be like a permanent admittance that they pretty much chose to belong to each other. Was it really that serious? Did he really _love_ him that muc—

He hung his head and groaned. _Stop asking yourself stupid questions. You hopeless bastard. You should just strangle him for this. It's _his_ fault. His. Fault. _

_Emotions, go the fuck away now. _

Putting aside his stupid thoughts, he went back to looking through the things on the table before him. There was nothing of real interest. The only thing that even slightly caught his attention was a short decorative dagger, but it was a passing fancy. He had an attachment to Mugen for a reason, not just because it was a pretty sharp weapon. It was there to save his life and anything he could kill with a dagger probably couldn't kill him anyway.

Absently, he poked at other assorted things before he felt a body press against his back. It was strange how he instinctively knew it was Allen. He didn't even look over his shoulder. It was like there was a signature to the boy's body that he knew like it was engrained into his brain. He didn't move—or even stop what he was doing—as those arms snaked around his neck. He caught glimpse of the silver chain that was being strung around his neck and when Allen's hands receded, his hair was pulled from his neck enough for him to fasten the clasp.

"There," Allen's voice was close to his ear. "The chain is thicker than the last ones we looked at, because I know how you enjoy losing the top half of everything you wear in battles. So I don't want you to lose it."

"I'll just put it in my pocket when I fight then, smartass," he quipped and lifted the chain to look at the silver half of the ring. It didn't take a brain scientist to determine why Allen had given him the silver half. Naturally, that was Allen giving him part of himself. If he didn't mean it that way, it was coming off that way and Kanda couldn't really argue. The beansprout had infiltrated a part of him that he couldn't exorcise the brat from. So why deny him the symbolism?

"If you lose it, I will kick your ass."

"Tch, I'd like to see you do it."

"I will if you lose that ring."

"I will not lose this ring. Okay? Now shut the fuck up and let's go before the idiot magically appears out of no where, comes in, sees you, and thinks you're proposing to me," he rolled his eyes and turned, pushing Allen toward the door.

"Oh…wait a minute," Allen mumbled and looked around for the shop girl. "Hey! Thank you! The ring is perfect," he smiled appreciatively to her.

"No problem dears. You two take care and I wish you gentlemen the best," she waved with mirth laced into her very aura.

Kanda's eyes whipped toward her and he stared, surprised by the plural form of "gentleman". She simply waved as if it were nothing. His brain kept replaying "she" over and over and it made him realize that she must have _heard_ them talking. Otherwise, she would never have called him by a feminine pronoun to begin with…Unless she was screwing with him. Regardless of whether she was screwing with him or not, she knew they were both men. Yet…she smiled and didn't even make a deal of it.

Suddenly, it made sense about the way she was talking about the rings. "Beansprout."

"Hmm?" Allen turned to look at him over his shoulder as they left the shop.

"I hope you know that was a Witch."

Allen's eyes widened and he glanced back to the girl just before the door shut again. "R…really?"

"Yes. Don't tell on her and she won't tell on us. That's the real reason why the ring was hidden. It's a spiritual ring. To her, this ring really was waiting for its match," he said idly, looking at his half, before tucking it into his jacket safely.

"You know, for someone who had no social life, you know a lot of stuff."

"I hate people. This doesn't mean I'm stupid, you little shit. Now, we probably should catch up to the idiot." He made a face, indicating just how much that excited him.

"Alright, I suppose I've had you all to myself long enough. Lavi did express interest in a piece of you," Allen cackled quietly to himself—even though he would beat the tar out of Lavi if he really tried. Allen wasn't going to be possessive over Kanda to an uncomfortable point, but…he claimed that.

"I'll fucking kill him."

The taller man made an annoyed face and Allen just laughed, his fist wrapped warmly around the hematite metal of the ring around his own neck.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: To see the ring mentioned in the chapter, take out the space for this: **http : / / www. biggerbids. com/ members/ images/ 7519/ public _ thumb/ 2482918 _ 400 _ 6 . jpg****  
><strong>_

_**WakeToSanity: **I am suck a dick LOL. It's because I love these characters so fuckin much though. Especially Kanda, because he's so easy to abuse. Unfortunately, I do like to break happy moments. You shall see in the sequel with that. Oh lawdy. And Persecution was originally an idea for this story, so if you're thinking off to that when they mention those possibilities, that's the similar out come. [obviously with different circumstances], but if it makes you think, it's a good thing! And I about **died** laughing. No one has ever turned tardmuffin around on me like that. I will cherish those sentences for ever :'D**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>Thank you dear!**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>I'm trying not to. Once I get to the sequel, the second guessing will vanish again lol!**  
>Lotus Seed: <strong>Kanda is a troll. I'm perfectly convinced with how he acts in recent chapters XD**  
>Collateral-Damage666: <strong> Awww! It's a sucky feeling isn't it :C**  
>ZaraZabuza: <strong>Thanks, I guess XD?**  
>Fridayyythe13th: <strong>shhhhh. It was only like a WEEK.**  
>Chibi-Dears XD: <strong>And another update! XD Not a week late!**  
>JewelRinoa: <strong>Thank you :_

_And **Moyashi: I love you. **Even if you're totally behind. You silly goose. I love you forever and ever. And when I complete this, I will smother you in all the love for making me actually do something. Actually. I shall smother you anyway!_


	40. Impenetrable

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Part Forty<em>

Allen yawned, sitting up as the light poured into his room. He looked over to the empty spot next to him and let out a breath. The spot next to him was supposed to have someone occupying it. Black hair was supposed to be overtaking the bed and the form that had become part of this ritual was supposed to be wearing nothing but a chain with a ring on it. This was not supposed to be an empty spot at all. For the previous three days, it had lacked the particular body that he was beginning to desperately need there. There were only so many days he could go without sleeping. Kanda had become his security blanket.

Instead, he was greeted by the blank stare of the inspector that had _kindly_ greeted him upon returning from the market. His mood had dropped into abysmal when he realized that Link wasn't giving him more time after all—as such, lost his last bit of personal contact with Kanda. This made for the most uncomfortable night of sleep in his entire life. He was extremely sour toward Link, due to the man giving him false hope. Jerk.

Three days didn't prove to make it much better, really. He still longed for Kanda. Sure, he got to see Kanda every single day in some fashion…but there was an annoying problem that went along with getting to see him. Howard Link; the man investigating him for having a Noah in his head. The man who was preventing him from hardly having a damn second of time without him in it and making him lose almost every chance to be around Kanda. Kanda's brain damage issue had never been officially reported, so everyone was simply pretending it did not happen on request of Komui. They couldn't be too obvious, so they didn't sit together to eat. As far as most people knew, they didn't often associate with each other outside of training, so they chose to do that as often as they could without being suspicious.

Allen just wanted to be close. Even in his head, he wondered if that was lame. To be that attached to someone like Kanda was dangerous. He knew it. Kanda was complicated and any time before Kanda's rehabilitation, Allen would have never even fancied the possibility of suggesting his affections for the man, let alone what they built.

What was it, exactly, that he loved so much about Kanda?

The "no bullshit" way he did things? The way his personality contrasted his own, yet some how complemented it like puzzle pieces. The way smashing their fists into each other's faces didn't mean they were having a fight—that their fights could be resolved with a handful of words followed by a tussle between sheets. Their interests were different and they didn't know everything about each other, but the comfort and trust was enough until they truly reached into each other.

All Allen really understood were the feelings he had. He knew that when he saw Kanda nearly dead, it made his chest constrict painfully to the point of feeling like he was cracking down to his very center. _Even more so now_, Allen imagined—poking Timcanpy, who also seemed a little down. _Timcanpy misses waking him up._

He leaned his head on his arms—draped over his bent knees. Replaying that last day of freedom was what he took to doing ever since his shadow returned. He toyed with the ring under the fabric of his sleep shirt. That was another thing that he did a lot. It kept him comforted for the lack of the black haired man that was supposed to be giving him a hard time at all times.

Lavi's attempts to _woo_ Kanda, when they met back up with them that day didn't even bother him as much as Link's presence. Not that Lavi actually _bothered_ him. Because he suspected Lavi knew that he would be brutally beaten to death by Kanda himself.

A mindless day was almost promised, following this awakening; like the days before it. It honestly felt like he was entering a comatose state where everything was laid out before him and all he had to do was move to each point. The only reprieve he did get were the little moments he managed to catch between points. He managed to sneak a heated kiss to the Japanese man while switching places in the washrooms—Link being out of sight just enough to keep the action hidden. He was promptly paid back by Kanda's hand copping a casual feel once the boy passed him in the hall later in the day. Another embrace here and there managed to filter through around Link's constant inspection.

The worst part of it still had to be the sleeping, though. They _both_ looked like shit and neither could hide it. So when Allen managed to get Kanda alone for a minute, they leaned against a wall, embraced near to the point of sleep. They probably looked pathetic.

It didn't matter to him. It apparently didn't matter to Kanda—even though he still dropped swears and heated insults like a fountain.

It wasn't until that third day that Allen noticed Timcanpy disappeared for random times in the day, only noticing the golden creature hovering around Kanda when he was in the dining hall. Timcanpy seemed to like to hover around the dark haired bastard. Allen couldn't blame him. Kanda could be such an asshole…oh but he could be so fun to tease and torment.

_Damn it. I miss him so damn much and I haven't even gone without him _that _long. Augh, I am beyond help. _

"Walker?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?" Link's voice gave off a very slight impression of real concern. Truthfully, before Kanda, Allen had been used to Link's constant presence. But now, it was a bit different. Now he didn't want to roll over and be greeted with Link sleeping on the floor next to him. He wanted to roll over and tangle his limbs up with Kanda's until they had to fight just to get out of bed.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"Are you not sleeping well?"

"Don't worry, I'm not turning into the destroyer of time in my sleep," he answered cheerfully. He didn't care if he sounded like he was being a bit of a smartass. He was tired of being interrogated on everything he did. "I don't suppose you'd let me get some sword practice in today? I got cut short yesterday due to Lavi's death wish." Allen groused, recalling distinctly how Lavi seemed to be creeping on Kanda a lot lately. Maybe he was subtly teasing Allen… or he had another motive. He didn't know and he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know.

"I don't see where that's a problem. From what I understand, there will be others training as well."

"That'll be nice. I'm getting a little bored without having any missions," Allen yawned and crawled out of the bed to dress, just a little hesitant to which direction his body was facing Link's. He didn't exactly want the man to see the lingering marks from Kanda's teeth.

Dressing, like everything else, became a partial blind activity. He just did it without much conscious thought and tried to let the annoyed feeling settle down. It wasn't that Link was a terrible guy, but he was stiff and scrutinizing him for any flaw. This made him seriously scared of his deep attachment to Kanda. Two months of building it a bond wasn't going to go away easily, if at all. Especially when that bond had escalated beyond just a caretaker and a brain damaged patient.

…And he really was trying to keep his thoughts innocent…

He was.

But it proved to be more difficult as he and Link approached the training area. Kanda was a cruel son of a bitch, wearing_ that_. That damnable skin tight sleeveless top, with the black pants that practically hugged his body like the fabric just worshipped him. _Teenage hormones, you can go away now!_

That preoccupation was even more proof hammered into him that he was ridiculously infatuated with Kanda. Because neither of them had experienced lust between them until the emotions set in. _How unstable we are_, Allen mused. Unlike normal young people, they actually had the nerve to feel emotions first. Why couldn't they be like everyone else and jump each other and move on?

Well, mainly because Allen didn't want to move on and it happened to work much better the abnormal way. He suspected Kanda wasn't the type to just fuck and run—to put it bluntly. He was a personal man—much like Allen himself was—and giving over his body like that was probably not just something done for a few moments of pleasure.

He still admitted to holding a small bit of guilt. Perhaps one could look at the situation as Allen taking advantage of it, but Kanda didn't wring his neck for doing so. And Allen liked to think he'd learned one thing travelling with Cross—how to be a great opportunist.

"Hey beansprout! Didja miss us~?" Lavi's voice carried directly to Allen and he didn't even bother to correct him. There didn't seem to be a point. Not that he would have had a great chance to…because Kanda's foot nearly collided with Lavi's skull. The object of his obsession was moving like an acrobat again and Allen loved watching it sometimes. Kanda's body could be twisted in ways only he really knew, but his fighting grace was something entirely different. It was elegant and unbridled and he had no problems dropped his sword during training to have a fist to fist go at his opponent.

Well…fist, foot, elbow, knee, and sometimes even his own skull…against any of the previous. He utilized all muscle and sometimes he was hard to keep up with. It was like training with Fou, only Fou was _less likely_ to actually beat the snot out of him. Allen wouldn't have it any other way and he chose to enter the training the only way he knew how.

"Hey BaKanda!" He cried, half way through the jump, his foot aimed right for the dark haired piece of sexy in the center of the training floor. Fighting with Kanda was a challenge to every aspect of himself. Kanda dodged and shifted his weight to slide a swift kick into his side and Allen could only think about how he could see the ring glinting from his neck. No one must have been willing to question him about it. The man's fist curled up and he blocked that one, grabbing his arm and throwing him down to the mat. All Allen could think was how his dark eyes were challenging him in ways his brain couldn't be dared to think of in public.

Kanda was talking to him. They were speaking with exchanged blows. He could feel Kanda's admissions of maybe, perhaps, just a little, missing him. When Kanda reached up and grappled him to gain enough leverage to pick himself up, he could feel the man's breath in his ear—even if it was immediately followed by another swift fist to the face.

"Walker, I thought you were supposed to be practicing swords," Link blinked, somewhat disinterested. He was there to observe, but he really didn't have any inherent desire to interfere beyond taking necessary notes.

"Ah, just let the boys fight it out. They're having a discussion~!" Lavi replied, hopping down next to Link. "So…whatcha doin?"

Link gave Lavi a look and chose _not _to encourage the redhead. Going back to his notebook, he kept a very casual eye on Allen.

"_He's really getting on my nerves, beansprout,_" Kanda whispered lowly in Allen's ear once he noted Link's disinterest.

Allen pulled from Kanda's arm hold and got him down on his knees by force of a neck hold, "_I know, he's getting on mine too. There's got to be some chance I can get away from him._"

"_We'll figure something out, moyashi,_" he hissed back before throwing his body forward and catapulting Allen right over his head and into the floor several feet away. Allen rolled for a moment, surprised by the strength behind the throw. Not that he was surprised by Kanda's strength; he just hadn't really sparred with him full on since he was really healed. Sure, they swung swords at each other; but this was simply brawling.

It felt good.

He hopped back up and gave him a challenging grin, "come on, BaKanda. Or are you getting soft."

"Fuckin beansprout, I will wreck you," the man returned with a growl, moving in like lightning.

Allen liked watching him fight…possibly too much. He moved out of the direct path of the man's foot just quick enough to avoid getting his head knocked off. They managed to create a perfect flow of movement. Neither were getting really hit, but parrying enough to keep the contact behind each punch and kick. It was like before when they fought, only now each bit of contact had a little spark of something that didn't exist before.

Before either could toss another punch, a voice halted both bodies, "you have a mission, guys."

They both turned to Lenalee, fists still poised for the next go. They registered the comment and nodded in accordance, before resuming that last bit of brawling that they could manage before someone decided they'd just had enough. It was probably in their best interest to stop anyway. Kanda didn't know about Allen, but he was beginning to get the urge to turn the brawl into something far less appropriate. He really was starting to despise Howard Link.

He didn't give a shit if Allen had Neah in his head. Then again, they didn't know what he did. No one _but_ him and Cross actually knew the current status of Allen's mind. Cross himself probably knew nothing about the Noah's _deal_. The fact that he promised not to overthrow Allen on the conditions given. As long as Allen remained, he would comply. Fuck it. He didn't care about the Order and Neah clearly didn't care for his fellow Noah.

_I'll destroy the Black Order with my own hands. _A voice echoed in his mind and it caused him enough distraction to receive Allen's fist square into his cheek. The force of the punch wasn't particularly strong, but it was enough to send Kanda back to the floor—where he stared, blinking up at the ceiling. He wasn't fully aware of the fact that he'd been knocked off his feet. His brain was still trying to filter the echo out.

Timcanpy landed on his chest and nestled there for a moment and Kanda started at it, finding the thick, suffocating—and now, incomprehensible—echo to fade away. So…Timcanpy really was staunching his flashes. _Huh._

A soft hand pressed over his forehead and he blinked at the wide eyes that stared down at him; concern pooling in them like she was ready to hug him all better. "Kanda? Hey, are you okay?"

"Tch," he grunted and sat up, not even aware that Allen was hovering over the other side of him. His skull realized it when his head cracked into Allen's and the boy let out a pained yelp. Colors floated in front of his eyes before he was able to register the pain flickering through his brain. Covering his face with his hand, he let a curse fly. "Goddamnit, beansprout, I've been smashed in the face with _doors_ softer than your fucking skull."

"I'm _sorry, _BaKanda! How was I supposed to know you'd jump up like that!"

"Idiot, you don't just stand over people like that!" He growled back and got closer in his face.

The look in the man's eyes was smoldering and Allen he no choice but to back off or risk it taking an entirely different turn. Damn that man for the sexy faces he made. Allen stood and frowned down at him, "stop taking a nap, and let's _go._" He didn't even have time to register Kanda's "tch" before his mind noted that the man was already up on his feet and looking ready to destroy him.

"Holy—" he yelped and took off running, once he caught on that Kanda was actually chasing him down.

"Hey you two!"

Allen heard Link's voice trying after them, but he was already too many long strides ahead of the man for him to catch up—Kanda, however, was right on his tail the entire time. Glancing over his shoulder, he yelped at just how close Kanda actually was.

He hooked a quick right, into what he assumed was a door to the stairwell leading to the supply room. The door slammed behind him and behind the other man. The chase suddenly stopped, his mad dash broke to a stand still and he turned to face Kanda—who was leaned against the closed door.

"Where did those two get off to?" They heard, followed by various footsteps that eventually faded as they passed.

"Good thinking, BaKanda."

"You're the one who ran."

"You had _that_look in your eyes," Allen retorted, moving chest to chest with him, just shy of touching his body.

"Oh? And what look is that, Mister Thick Skull?"

Silver eyes glared into the dark ones— defiance shining clear as day. How it was possible to pull off such a gaze and filter it with more affection than should be legal, Kanda couldn't explain. _Well, technically this is _not_ legal…_ Somewhere in the back of his mind there was another him shouting _don't care, don't care, hey, I do not give a shit if this is wrong! _It was another thing in the pile of things he'd blame Allen for later.

"That look that tells me that you want a piece of me. What piece? Well, I have to guess," he smirked up to the older man—face dangerously close to the other.

Letting out a quiet, amused sound, Kanda pulled the beansprout to him. The smaller body fit right against him, where they seemed to simply mold together. Allen's head moved to the crook of his neck and they breathed together. They simply existed for a few moments, knowing their time wouldn't last very long before they were tracked down. It was annoying…Howard Link was, but they could manage. They were at each other's throats before all the time, nothing would change. Kanda could _really_ be a prick and Allen would _really_ be annoying.

That worked just fine for them.

Lips grazed against the other's and they succumbed to same intimate—yet some how not sexual—embrace that had caught them to begin with.

_We're stupid people,_ Kanda thought to himself. _He's a stupid person for caring. I'm a stupid person for letting him. _

_Oh well. _

_Fuck it. _

An indefinite amount of time passed before a breathe let free."We should probably go back," the whisper passed unwanted between them, but Allen was right. "We have a mission to go do."

"Tch, it won't take us long." The confidence was becoming of Kanda. He'd been lacking it for a while, but Allen watched it slowly come back. He idly wondered if the man still held the same insecurities as he did while he was recalling all of his washed out memories. Even if he was, Allen would help him. No matter how much he bitched and moaned and tried to resist.

His cursed hand trailed over his cheek before he leaned in to kiss him again. It was just a short, soft peck—nothing more than a gesture that he just wanted. Truthfully, he wanted to be curled up in a bed with him, content and sleeping. Some might think that spending time together didn't include sleep, but Allen thought otherwise. It was something special, personal…there was a feeling about leaving himself vulnerable to the other body. It was like they were in their own personal bubble for those moments. He desperately missed that bubble that had been created.

Though, even as he watched Kanda open the door and they both jogged back down the hall; he felt like their "bubble" was impenetrable even if the space was widened between them.

They'd be alright.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: All that's left is the epilogue. I hope I haven't strayed off the path, and that the writing style hasn't flopped, or I've accidentally created a plot hole somewhere. I'll start editing on this once it's complete. And Cacophony is started. When I post the epilogue, I will also post the prologue of Cacophony at the same time. So look forward to an ending and a new beginning and thank you all for coming along. _

_It's like 5am, and I'm barely able to proof read, so I apologize for not replying! I do love you all!_


	41. Epilogue

**Brain Damaged**_  
>Epilogue<em>

"That's the eighth time the two of you have gotten into a fight today. Two of which turned into a full brawl. Can you two not behave for at least the duration of the mission?" Howard Link scolded, sitting between the two on the bench. He could feel the violent electricity jumping between them as they glared each other down, leaning forward to go around him.

"He fuckin' started it."

"I did not. That was your fault. It's not _my _fault you missed."

"It's your fucking fault for reminding me to kick your ass for being so goddamned slow. If you had actually been there on time, I might not have missed!"

"You missed because you suck!"

"I missed because I was flanked and no thanks to your stupid ass for getting _lost_."

"I wasn't _lost!_"

"**That's not what Timcanpy showed.**"

"Maybe you have comprehension problems, BaKanda!" Allen huffed, turning his head to overlook the sun light sparkling over the water.

Kanda jumped up and glared down over Link's head, fists curling and ready to toss the damn beansprout in the river. "Say that to my face, you _little_ fucker."

It wasn't long before Allen had hopped to his feet as well, his face turning red from the building annoyance. The dark haired bastard had a magical niche for crawling under his skin and poking him with sharp objects until he snapped. "You heard what I said, or are you deaf _and_ slow?"

"Both of you, stop this. This is the reason you were separated to begin with," Link groaned in between them—standing and folding his arms. He was promptly met with both men's glares. Despite this, he gave them both looks and continued, "this mission is more important than your childish bickering."

"Tch," Kanda's face contorted into that scowl he was so good at and he sat back down on the bench, giving Allen a glare. The silver eyes returned the same feeling back and he also sat down. They looked away in their irritation; both of them unknowingly mirrored each other's posture and aggravation.

Timcanpy fluttered about Allen's shoulder before hopping around and moving along the back of the bench, going straight for Kanda. The little golem poked around by Kanda's neck before it floated around his face and bounced its body against his target's cheek—also prodding him with his tail. Kanda's expression steadily soured until he snapped a glare at the golem.

The golden ball rolled off his shoulder and hopped back across the bench toward Allen, repeating the same actions for the other, until Timcanpy had then both looking silently in each other's direction again. Tim hopped to Link and bounced around on Link's shoulders, giving the younger boys a moment to pass the concerned expressions they were keeping bottled in.

Allen's silver eyes studied Kanda's and he took a breath. Kanda was still alive. He had taken a nasty claw to the back, but all that remained of that was the shreds in his uniform. The younger man was angry with Kanda for going ahead like that, but he was also angry with himself for not getting there quicker.

Kanda, on the other hand, was angry that Allen almost let himself be cleaved in two on an impulse. The swordsman missed his mark because of the fuckers that showed up behind him and Allen was nearly in the direct path of those sharp claws, because the little shit was a giant idiot and thought jumping in between would actually help anything. Kanda could heal. Allen wasn't as able to.

Their eyes reflected each other's for another moment before Kanda turned his head and scoffed, leaning back and resting his arms up on the metal back of the bench. They had their own way of showing they cared… Even if it had gotten them in several massive fist fights since the actual incident.

Dark eyes closed and he simply breathed. Calming down was important now, since it was done and in the past. As long as the stupid beansprout knew _not_ to jump in between an enemy attack on him, they would be fine. He could shrug that shit off, no problem. Allen didn't need to go thinking he needed to be saved like a damsel in distress.

His face contorted into annoyance at the thought of being that damsel in distress and the direction his thoughts took him ended up with him wondering what wearing a dress would be li—

—No.

_Unthink that._ He growled internally to himself, nearly choking his internal thoughts.

In the midst of pissing himself off again, he felt a hand brush his own behind the bench. He made no indication he felt it, but his fingers wound up with the course fingers that he knew belonged to Allen. No one could see the hands behind the bench and Link was being pestered by Timcanpy, so he closed his eyes and took the moment for what it was.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that every day slipped closer to the catastrophe that was being laid out for them. He wasn't a sentimental man, but it sent an unpleasant wind of anxiousness through him and he silently relished in every safe step they took on the cracking ice.

He and Allen would be walking down the path of disaster ultimately.

So, he didn't feel any shame in taking his hand.

The soft squeeze from the younger man's hand was all the reassurance needed.

**COMPLETE**

* * *

><p><strong>See the sequel! – prologue posted<br>Titled: Cacophony**

_A/N: Thank you, everyone, for following the long trek to this beast's completion. It's just the beginning for the next part. It's the first time I've finished something so huge in such a moderate amount of time. About 3 months. Go me! So I wanted some of your ending input, if you're up for it. _

What was your favorite part/scene?  
>What part did you least enjoy?<br>What part surprised you most?  
>What would you have liked to see, but wasn't [aside from between the sheets hay-hay]?<br>What do you expect of the sequel?

_Again, thank you guys. The sequel's prologue is posted now. _


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